Saturday, March 31

Iguana is Manic


My mania has reached a new height. Everyone is going on vacations, planning vacations, or is currently on a vacation.

Oh except me.

I do it to myself I suppose. I can't travel alone, I'm terrified. I can't even go to a bar by myself, how am I supposed to pack up and go on a trip all alone? I know it's a double edged sword, and I always think it's funny when I say that and people reply with, "Well sometimes going on vacation is fun." Do they not understand even if they had fun, I probably will not.

I spend enough time by myself alone that to go somewhere ELSE alone is not my idea of fun. I'm not the most social person in new settings, I rarely speak to anyone unless they come up to me. I have a fear of starting conversations or even initiating most things unless I'm absolutely sure. It's not fun.

So one of my friends is going for a week to the Caribbean, someone I sleep with is in Montreal for five days, a friend of mine is going to Germany this May, my ex who I am meeting up with soon is going to Spain or something. Where am I going?

To my parents in upstate NY for Easter. Yea, that's all I have planned. I have the hopefuly chance of China/India with Brooklyn College. The only qualm about that is I need to get my passport. Plus I'll be alone, but I really want to go. That's not until Christmas time of 2007/2008. It seems so distant.

Okay I need to stop, it doesn't help that I slept in until 11 am because I have to pay rent, so I'm going to the gym rather late. I just keep telling myself, "You have nothing planned, you have nothing planned."

What's the point of being on time when you have nothing planned?? Exactly!!

Excuse me but I have to go and catch my sanity...It's gone running wild down the Eastern Parkway.

Friday, March 30

Iguana Is High


I'll admit it. I'm a little high right now. Yea Eccentric Iguanas do indulge in some herbal refreshments some(lots of)times. It's partially being done so I don't feel like a loser staying in my room on a Friday night on Spring Break. But I can't help but feel it.

Moving along...

Now I'm an off again/on again fan of Marianne Faithfull, but damn that lady sings a fierce version of Don't Forget Me. I just read about her past and how filled with turmoil and struggle. I am don't to take back what I said about Marianne Faithfull, I am ALWAYS a fan of her. Seriously give this lady a hand.

"In the winter time, keep your feet warm. Keep you clothes on and don't forget me. In the summer, by the poolside. While the fireflies are all around me. I'll miss you when I'm lonely, I'll miss the alimony too. Don't forget me, please don't forget me. Make it easy on me, just for a little while. You know I think about you, let me know you think about me too."

Sorry lyrical rant there. I just think that's a terrific song, so sad and so deep. You can FEEL the emotion she puts into it. It's sad because not many people know about Marianne and when she says, "Don't forget me." You almost wonder if that's really a personal cry, cause when Marianne does pass, will she disappear into obscurity? I need to find a CD of her voice before it got all raspy and worn.

This weekend I have no plans, none at all! I think I may die. Well I will figure something out I am sure. No plays planned though, how the good news is I just got tickets to...

A Year of Magical Thinking, starring Vanessa Redgrave.

Now that should be good. A co-worker really wanted to go, so to inspire her I bought a ticket along with her. I'm giving that way.

It's a shame I did nothing fun tonight. I looked very cute. Oh what I would give for a flat stomach with abs though...oh I try and try. Sorry, I've been having some body image issues. I know I shouldn't but I am. It's difficult for me not to considering my past health issues. Blah.

Moving right along.

I told myself tomorrow I am not going to fully worry about homework for the rest of Spring 'Awakening' Break. I'm not going to completely forget about it, but I am going to put it aside, I will get it done. It's totally ruining the feel of my spring break, which is already starting off shitty enough, with no plans on Friday and working full time the whole week. Yea this one's going to be something for the memory book.

Okay, my attention can't follow this anymore.

Thursday, March 29

Iguana Spring Break Awakening

Spring break has come and it couldn't seem more awful. So the teachers of my wonderful place of learning have decided to give homework. Now I wouldn't mind because I can do this work surely. Unless it's drafting homework, where I do not have the room (nor the tools) to draft. So I need to make my way back to school at some point...this task is easier said than done.

More on part of "poor" planning, I guess one could call it that seeing as I need to MAKE MONEY TO LIVE. But foolish me to think that a week without classes would be a good time to work full time...I don't have the necessary time to go to school during the week to draft, as I normally would.

So in short I'm a fool to assume that during vacation I could work properly...silly silly Iguana.

I have no real plans for break, except working, then going home for Easter. I lead an exciting life. I suppose homework somewhere in between there.

Onto more exciting news. Insightful news. I've been trying to get in contact with my ex-boyfriend of yesteryear. I was a child when we dated a naive 17 year old who fell head over heels in love. Only to suddenly be awoken by the cruel ways love can fool with your mind. I spent almost every day for a year with him, at the time that's how I thought it was done. I am still wondering if that's the way it's done.

Funny how my two long term relationships have been so long ago it seems. I can no longer really say I am the monogamous type. Well I feel like I am, but I no longer have viable proof to back it up. What can I say, "I dated two guys for a year each in my late teens?"

I seem to have lost the thrill for it all. Lost the interest to stay interested it seems. I try but I never feel a connection. Is it for lack of trying?

Back to my ex-boyfriend. We've been trying to meet up to catch up. It's been so long and I have changed so much that it's impossible to harbor any resentment between us. Why am I trying to meet with him? I feel like I'm searching for some iota of the person I used to be. I want him to see me and after sometime reminiscing to say, "You're just as I remember you." To help me feel there is still something beneath all this...

The sad thing is I know that he won't say that. What we've already spoken about he told me he was in complete shock that I was telling him what I did. I took this life for better or for worse.
"When monster meets monster, one monster has to give way, AND IT WILL NEVER BE ME. I'm an older hand at it..." Alexandra DeLargo, Sweet Bird of Youth

A friend told me today that I'm to loyal sometimes...That comment really shook me up. I don't know what to make of it. I never thought of being loyal to be a bad thing, it would explain much though. I just can't quite digest it though.

Random Sexual Fact #2

My apologizes, this was meant for Monday, but I got very distracted. Nor am I used to doing something like this weekly. So I am sorry again. It's funny that I'm sorry for missing out a chance to tell you something about me in the sexual sense.

Sexual Fact #2:
I'm not one to hook up with a guy just because he is hot. Which sort of sucks sometimes. A guy who talks about theater or video games is more likely going to get me in bed than even a hot guy who is hitting on me. Which is funny sometimes because I don't even notice when a hot person hits on me cause I never REALLY play dumb when I flirt. As I said, it's probably the reason I often go home alone.
That's all, I'm saving all the really good facts for later, like the teens and twenties ;-)

Wednesday, March 28

Iguana Could Go On Singing


When I was sick, worry seemed easier. I worried about when I would get better. I worried if the pain would ever go away. I didn't necessarily worry about anything else.

Then you get better.

Then those other worries come back, no long do I care about how I breath, though I still have a small issue with it, I know I'll be okay at the end of the day.

Can you imagine that I'm not happy right now? I'm not happy with many things, maybe it's me being selfish. Since I'm back in normal health these issues resume and continue as ever.

First is trivial things, things that a couple months from now won't matter, but for the time they do. I've been applying to internships. I know I wrote an entry about my frustration, I think I did. At least I vocalized my frustrations in public though.

First off I was forced to be VERY picky about my internships. Since I work I had to rule out many because during the summer most theater companies want full-time Interns and I can't do that. So I had to narrow it down significantly. Then I had three chosen. One I sent my application to before March 15th, but I've yet to hear word back and probably won't. Then I sent another out on Friday. It's to soon to tell if they got my papers, but nonetheless I would be surprised if I got a call back. Then there is the last place, which I need to send out my information soon.

What is pissing me off isn't even my fault, it's my boss's. I asked her two weeks ago if she would write a letter of recommendation. Well it's two weeks later (the application due April 1st) and I'm without a letter still. Now it's the 11th hour and it's TOO late to find someone else. It just upsets me. Don't agree to it and then give me an excuse when I asked her last Friday she goes, "It's been very busy at work." I know I've been here, but I was sick, I had midterms and I was coming into work, I know it's been busy. But I'm asking for three paragraphs, that's all. Just say you recommend me and we can both be on our ways.

My plan is to just mail out what I have tonight and if she gets the letter, send it out too, if not see what happens. If they don't call me I can always wondering if it was the fact I sent it minus one letter. If they do call and ask I'll tell them it must've gotten lost in the mail.

UGH!

Then there is most permanent unhappiness. Like where I live, or school. I have two months of school left, I know I can handle it. Or can I? I'm not sure. I will finish this semester. I'm turning 22 in July and I have to ask out loud,

"Why do I feel like I'm already behind in life?"

I know it may sound ridiculous but it's true I do. I know I need to finish school, but what was going to happy in 2008 will not happen in 2009/2010. I'm going to be 23/24 and have a BA in theater. And yet I can't even get an internship now? What is wrong with me?

Everything in the city seems to just be one form of nepotism or the other. I want a connection, but it even pisses me off that while I'm a Brooklyn College Theater Major, because I'm an undergrad I can't even get an internship cause they cater to the Grad students more. Yet I need to have an internship to EVEN become a grad student in the first place? WHAT?! I really feel like my sanity is breaking ever so subtly.

I can't breath, I need to leave, I need to change. I may just fall apart soon if something doesn't happen.

Forget your troubles come on get happy. You better chase all your cares away...

I'm rereading A Streetcar Named Desire and it really makes me sad. Blanche's life was so difficult and it overtook her so quickly. It's amazing to read this play and learn so much about a woman. It's almost a character study. My favorite scene to read is when Mitch confronts Blanche for the last time and she says:"Yes, I had many intimacies with strangers...intimacies with strangers was all I seemed able to fill my empty heart with..."

It goes on, but it's so sad and so true sometimes. I hate the fact that I see myself in Blanche DuBois a little too much. My past, my future, the way I treat life and myself. I mean I've always been one for soft lighting in a room, but has it just been subconscious this whole time? When I think of the way I acted towards W...maybe Blanche is just so humanly written it's hard not to see why she is so easy to relate to.

I've grown tried, plus I have to work soon.

"Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky...stormy weather.
Since my man and I ain't together, keeps raining all the time.
Life is bare, gloom and misery everywhere...stormy weather.
Just can't get my poor self together, I'm weary all the time."

Tuesday, March 27

My friend sent me an article last night...

Anna Nicole Smith was taking the following drugs around the time
of her death:

Medicine Name (Drug) indication

_ Ativan (Lorazepam)_ anti-anxiety medication
_ Benadryl (Diphenhydramine): antihistamine, also used as an
over-the-counter sleep aid
_ Human Growth Hormone: touted as a longevity, muscle-building
weight reducing agent
_ Methadone _ strong pain killer, often used to suppress
withdrawal from heroin
_ Nicorette (nicotine polacrilex) _ used to quit smoking
_ Noctec (Chloral Hydrate): sedative and sleeping medication
_ Klonopin (Clonazepam)_ anti-seizure medicine also used to
treat anxiety
_ Robaxin (Methocarbamol) _ muscle relaxer
_ Soma (Meprobamate) _ muscle relaxer
_ Tamiflu (oseltamivir phosphate) _ anti-viral medicine
_ Topomax (topiramate) _ anti-seizure medication also used to
treat migraines
_ Tylenol (acetaminophen) _ pain reliever
_ Valium (Diazepam) _ anti-anxiety medication, also used as a
sedative and to treat seizures
_ Vitamin B12 _ helps formation of red blood cells

Source: Broward County Medical Examiner and the University of
Miami toxicology department


After reading it I sort of laughed thinking, how incredible to be on so many pills at one time...

Then when I woke this morning I opened six different pill bottles and took a pill from each. I realized I was taking half the number of what Anna Nicole was. So then I came to the conclusion that if I died in the near future *knock on wood* People might be surprised to find out what was in MY system...

Then again Kings County (of Brooklyn) Medical Examiner and the College of Brooklyn may not really care to publish the results in the newspaper...If only I were tragic and crazy.

In honor of Anna Nicole Smith, this youtube made me laugh a little too much. But I laughed in an ironic way, realizing the song reflects the situation much more than I would have anticipated. I have no respect for the dead.

Monday, March 26

Iguana Returns To the Gym...With Time to Spare

Feeling significantly better, I DID return to the gym.

I don't know why I'm frightened

I went to bed early so I could be up at 6 am bright and early, before the sun even!! Well not anymore with the time change.

I know my way around here

I woke up, fumbled out of bed and prepared myself.

Yes, a world to rediscover

I brushed my teeth, got dressed, got my gym items together.

But I'm not in any hurry

I sat down to check my mail and looked at what time it was...

And I need a moment.

The clock said it was 1:55, I was SO confused.

The atmosphere, as thrilling here, as always

I sat there for a moment wondering what happened. Utterly confused

Feel the early morning madness, feel the magic in the making

Then I realized it was only 2 am! Whoops

Why everything's as if we never said Goodbye.

So I crawled back into bed and woke at 6 am to REALLY go to the gym.

I've spent so many mornings just trying to resist you. I'm trembling now, you can't know how I've missed you!

This world's waited long enough, I've come home at last!!

I don't care what people say, Andrew Lloyd Webber created a handful of great shows! Sunset Blvd being one of the best, but I always loved the movie as well. But the musical is equally amazing.

I'm such a faggot sometimes it's nice.

Sunday, March 25

Iguana Reviews A Musical and Life


This Saturday was super busy for me. After I recouped from my situation several days. I woke at 4:30am due to lack of sleep and played a few video games and surfed the net. Then I got some more sleep. I'm happy to say my chest pain is going down, which means I can sleep better, so that's nice.

I went to the doctor, and I'm getting an X-Ray tomorrow. He thinks it's stomach acid, so I'm taking some pills twice a day. The X-Ray he says won't show anything, but just to see. So why not? Okay, now onto real items of business.

I saw two shows yesterday. The new (and final) musical by Kander and Ebb called Curtains. I paid full price for this ticket with my tax return cause I really wanted to see it. It had an amazing start studded cast. David Hyde Pierce, Deborah Monk, Karen Ziemba, Edward Hibbert and many more made up the suspects in this murder mystery musical.

The show opened on March 22, 2007 and got mixed reviews and suddenly one of the most waited for shows seemed to be a teetering commodity. the NY Times review by Ben Brantley was was to harsh. I expected to be bored to tears from the way he made the show sound.

Well upon seeing the show, I can happily say that I LOVED Curtains. It was a terrific show in my opinion. Now take into notice that I didn't go into this show expecting to be challenged, to find a new style of musical. I knew it would be a fun, talented and comical time. I was happily satisfied and much more. I enjoyed the cute dancing, the fun songs, which got stuck in my head and the corny jokes.

I think there is something appropo about Kander and Ebb's final musical (since Ebb died in 2004) being about a out of town show that needs help. What I found pleasing was even though this was a murder mystery, the show didn't focus on that aspect. The show is really just about a troubled musical that needs work, so while the cast and crew isn't allowed to leave the theater, they improve the show so it doesn't have to close. There are no scenes where the detective interviews the cast members, or they talk about why they hated the victim. They are focused on the show and it is interesting to see them try hard to make it grow.

Granted the fictional show they are fixing is rather campy and I sat there thinking, "Is it REALLY worth saving?" But it's the idea of that matters.

Since this is such a star filled show, they all probably demanded to have a song. Which with an idea like this, tends to lack a certain number that is the BIG number of the evening. I agree that none of the songs are really showstoppers, I can say each song has a special energy that makes it engaging to sit through. Two notables are Karen Zeimba's "Thataway!" A song for the show they are working on. This woman has got a great stage presence, a beautifully pleasing voice, and wonderful energy. I knew she was a great singer, but I loved her attitude on stage.

Second is, Deborah Monk's "It's A Business". Now in message boards people were saying how her number stopped the show and got a standing ovation. Now the song was great, amazingly sung and lyrics were hilarious because they were so true in their simple way. Plus Deb did an amazing job performing it. Though I was surprised that people said that number stopped the show. It never had a build up to even stop a show. I love Deb Monk like the next theater fag, so I'm gonna say regardless, I love her more after this number!!

When leaving this show I wondered why I was nervous and then I thought, what are critic's problems. Granted the show is far from perfect, but it's more entertaining than most shows on Broadway right now. It was a musical about musicals, without being as obnoxious as The Producers or Spamalot in my opinion. It was able to make fun of itself subtly and still maintain it's integrity. So yea I loved the show.

As for other parts of life. As I said, getting better! Hurrah to be able to sleep again!! I have been relaxing all day, which is nice. Tomorrow I definitely return to the gym, mark my words!! If i don't...

well then I guess that means I didn't.

So two older musicals I am in love with that I bought on whims. 1776 and Zorba. WOW. I mean I've listened to 1776 a couple times, and a the entire show is amazing. And the highlight of the show for me, a young Betty Buckley singing He Plays the Violin.

Zorba is probably the least known Kander and Ebb musical by most people (in my opinion) and I was always very cautious to buy it. Finally I threw discretion to the wind and picked it up.

Holy-Debbie-Shapiro-Minus-The-Gravitte

This show is beautiful musicall!!! I'm not 100% sure what the story of the show is, it's just fun on the ears. Nice to hear something different every now and then.

That's all for tonight.

Friday, March 23

Iguana's Breathing Issues and Possibly Botching Up Something

As I've said I have had problems breathing. Two days ago I slept a total of 3 hours, but not all at once. So yesterday when the guy I had gone on a couple of dates with invited me over to cocktails and a joint I agreed because it would take my mind off the hurting breath issue.

The thing that worried me and turned out to be true was this guy said, the only time he could have sex was when he got high. So I knew that was going to come, granted I know I shouldn't have gone over. Considering my life situation. But I did anyway. The bleeding hadn't been an issue and I knew if I got stoned the breath wouldn't hurt. As usual in these situations it was a matter of priorities.

Now I had gone on a couple of dates with this guy and here's what's not gone right, to make this night even more awkward and possibly I'll never get a call from him again. Which I am okay with I suppose.

In our two dates we hadn't even shared a kiss goodbye, or any REAL physical attempt at anything. So I can't even tell if he was generally interested in me. I also was never sure if he just wanted to meet up just to meet up or to date. What I mean is if he wanted to just chill out before we had sex (which I think this was the case). Last, he mentioned how enamoured he was by his last ex-boyfriend who he broke up with. I hate when people talk about that, because then it's suddenly like, "Okay so that means I'm just what?"

So we sat and drank and smoked pot. The stuff I smoke by myself must be so weak or I must do something wrong, because I always get so stoned when I smoke anything else. Granted I don't smoke much. But I become a total vegetable. Which is never conductive to a sexual environment.

Like clock work we ended up in his room and after no sleep in well over 24 hours, a joint that made me really high and all of the sudden I didn't feel my breathing pains, I knew this wasn't going to go well. All I wanted to do was sleep. I mean I am sexually attracted to him but in the list of priorities one rated higher than the other. Plus we were on his bed.

I felt awful cause I couldn't hide it.

Then comes the second terrible blow. When I get really stoned, I can't get hard. Plus this guy turns from no touching, whatever. To SUPER AGGRESSIVE, one of the attitudes that when I'm nervous makes me feel least comfortable in bed. So hard on? Um? I can barely focus on my words let alone where the blood flow in my body is going.

Perhaps it was the paranoia that made it seem worse for me. It often does. We shall see. If he never wants to meet again I'll have my answer.

Then it almost came as a shock for him when he asked, "So you're mainly a bottom?" And in my spaced out state I nod my head yea, I would say yes, but my mouth is so dry I can't speak. And here is the whipped topping that makes the night for me ALL the more uncomfortable...

He doesn't seem to be wearing a condom. I'm high out of my head, I can barely form a sentence and this guy wants to fuck me without protection, because he thinks we're both clean. I mean granted he may know he's clean, that's great. But to make the assumption that I am (I can't even make that guess until I get my HIV/STD results back Tuesday) clean really scares me. Cause even high as a kite I start to wonder how many other times he's thought of this with the first time with a guy before.

As I said I was high out of my head, so I let him fuck me. This is going to sound awful, but I don't remember for how long or if until he came. I'm a dirty bird. I'm sure it'll be okay, I just can't take this behavior in gay men sometimes.

You know it's funny when I woke up this morning I thought it was my fault the night went weird. I'm sorry but I think my tired composure closely relates to how I was handled last night. I just can't react well to that sort of behavior. I can't do drugs in sexual situations anymore.

Was I raped?

Wednesday, March 21

Iguana is Picking up where he left off

I have not been to the gym in a week! Now to some of you that may be like, "Oh I haven't been to the gym in three years." But for me that's phenomenal.

I am the guy who goes to the gym 6-7 days a week. Granted some may see it as unhealthy, usually ever other day I would just do cardio. Due to the recent illnesses I haven't been and it's been like a vacation, well a vacation in hell. I haven't minded not waking at 6 am to go, and sleeping in. But since most of those mornings were filled with night sweat, headaches and cramped muscles.

Starting tomorrow though I am returning at 6 am! At least I hope so. I feel about 95% better and even if I go and just sort of putz around and not really do my usual thing it'll get me used to it again.

Plus I finish all my midterms stuff, so I was able to actually clean and vacuum my carpet today and my room looks like a room again! While I was sick and gross feeling I was working on my costume design project for The Seagull. I had to draw 12 sketches and water color 9 of them. That may not sound like much, but when you don't draw and water color costumes normally, it's a task and a half!

Usually in good health I'll just clean up after each night of use, but due to wanting to sleep, my floor was a mess! Not like me at all, I like a little order in my life. Plus I hadn't vacuumed in forever so there were trail mix crumbs and dust collecting everywhere. I turn around from my laptop and don't recognize my room cause it's so open!

Good sign's people. I still have a little pain in my back but I can deal with that I think.

I know it won't happen, but I hope work is slow tonight so I can have an actual interesting entry to write about. This one is just my excitement in reclaiming my life.

Believe it or not I've been dating again and seeing movies. Yea, that's right, even when I'm a sick mess I STILL got my shit together.

Tuesday, March 20

Iguana Says Try To Remember

Before I go to sleep tonight, just want to say, remember that time I didn't bitch about my health? Well I think it's time to go back there. Try to remember the kind of September when life was slow and oh so mellow. That's all I ask. When grass was green and grain was yellow. And I wrote about theater and sex and other fun stuff. Well I think those times are back. Follow, follow, follow, follow.

When no one wept except the willow. And dreams were kept beside your pillow. Try to remember and if you remember, then follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow



I'm BACK!

Monday, March 19

Random Sexual Fact #1

In honor of good health and a better future and a better existence I've decided that everyone Monday I will share a random sexual fact about myself. Be it a fantasy, a kink, an experience or really anything that's sexual and fun to read.

So they will be random and maybe offend a few people, but you'll have to get over it.

Away we go:

Sexual Fact #1:

I would prefer to get fucked while classical music (something like Canon in D) is playing rather than the music choices of most of the people I know would want to fuck to. Usually this never happens, so I settle for dance or house mixes. A boy can dream. And when classical music plays, I am very turned on.



A little mild, but we shall see what becomes of this.

Saturday, March 17

Iguana is Sick or dying, you be the judge.

My head hurts, I can't stay up and my head it spinning. I have a fever and everything aches. Looks like I'm sick.

I woke up multiple times today only to go back to slee. It's 530 now...something wrong. I hope it's only a 24 hour thing, cause I AM going to Edward Scissorhands tomorrow!!

I wrote that around 5:30 last night, but fell asleep before I was able to post. Does it sound like I was sick? Around 11pm last night my fever broke and I feel much better, but I hate life because I lost an entire day to sleep. No homework, no gym, no nothing. Just sleep. I'm trying to get caught, but I may have to go buy some food soon (something I planned on yesterday) because I have none and I am promptly hungry.

I don't know what exactly happened to me yesterday. It's like yesterday never even happened. How strange and curious. Maybe it was the soaking feet I had from all the snow, that's probably it.

On the good note, two days ago I started to get other health issues in order and all that. Okay I don't have much more time I need to FOCUS on homework. I figured if I keep working and working, I'll get caught up as opposed to most homework days where I don't focus as much...ugh.

Wednesday, March 14

Iguana Reveals His Face

So my friend Britt and I went out to dinner to catch up on old times. And she's an art student so she brought along her digital camera and we took pictures with them...

So for those of you who don't know what I look like I'm showing you now! And no I am not actually an Iguana in real life...though I wish I was sometimes...An eccentric one no less.

Note: If you think I'm ugly, please keep it to yourself.

Britt titled this: "my dog got lost and i just found him but noticed at the same time that his front right leg has been severed off by oncoming traffic" face .


Britt says, this is my happy face...This is my "Oh" Face:

Lastly, this is MY MYSPACE MAKE OUT PHOTO!!!

You can view the rest of our goofy and pointless camera session here.

Monday, March 12

Iguana Sees Sweet Bird of Youth

Yesterday afternoon (into evening) I accomplished one of my theatrical goals in life (believe it or not I have quite the list), in seeing a production of Sweet Bird of Youth. In reading and seeing almost 20 of Tennessee William's I can safely say this is one of my top Five favorites (probably number 2 or 3). So I was a little nervous that I would be disappointed to see it performed by an smaller venue.

I can happily say, I was not.

Written in 1959, before (or in the beginning) of what Tennessee called his Stoned Age. Which is a time where 10 received most of his harshest criticism. Though he turned out some of his most interesting insightful work like, Period of Adjustment (1960), In the Bar of a Tokyo Hotel (1969), The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore (1963) and my namesakes, The Eccentricities of a Nightingale (1964) and The Night of the Iguana (1961).

It's fun to have a passion. I digress though.

What I love so about this play is the tragedy of it all. Not to sound horribly pessimistic (in comparison of the last post). It's a tale of two people who are both past their prime and have no where else to go. One has admitted it to herself, while the other refuses to believe it. I would hate to say that it's possible for someone to no longer be useful to the human race, but sometimes it's true. Of course these two characters were people who based their lives on their youth and beauty, and as it's well known, that's not going to last forever.

What is also so interesting about this production is the way it's so modern. In 1959, a show that involves, alcohol abuse, pill popping, male prostitution, abortions gone wrong, racism and pot smoking. It doesn't seem surprising why this show isn't labeled amongst one of the most well known Tennessee Williams shows.

It would be hard to justify in a high school that your kids weren't reading SMUT with that list of topics. I mean that's because all things dealing with controversial issues is SMUT...right??

At least with The Glass Menagerie, we can say, "No! Tom's not gay!! He is just a wayward soul who wants to travel!" Or in A Streetcar Named Desire, "Blanche was a loose woman, she got what was coming to her."

In Sweet Bird, it's not unbelievable as to why these characters are trying to forget or convince themselves of a past that never happened. Life is difficult at times and people drown those thoughts out. I mean isn't not like nowadays people don't use drugs and liquor to forget their woes...right?

Saturday, March 10

Iguana Is Not About Nightingales

The following post may come off as bitchy or annoying, but since I'm writing this in free association I can't really predict if it really will end up that way.

"I'd like to propose a toast" ~ Elaine Stritch, Company

I live in fear it seems, well nowadays. Now not a fear as in I walk down the street and everyone I see scares the shit out of me, in fact I'm very brave. I live in more of perpetual fear. I can't wake up in the morning now and scratch my body and wonder, "Have they returned?" Did all that cream, all that sleeping on the floor, all those days/afternoons/nights of constant itching to think it was all for naught. All it takes is one moment of itching for you to suddenly remember that perhaps things still aren't okay. Even though I know they are, I'm VERY sure of it. I think this is what rape victims go through. And to say that what I've gone through is not even close to a rape victim...Get scabies and then TELL me what you think.

"For when you're living on your own, without a girlfriend or a home, people speculate. But I'm much stronger than them. I want to be something special." Straight Dave, Closer to Heaven

It dawned upon me yesterday, and perhaps this is the depression talking, that my life means nothing. I may be transforming into a nihilist and not even realize it. I haven't done anything and it upsets me. It all goes back to many other issues I've discussed before. The cause of this appropriately enough was my perusing myspace.com last night.

I mean nothing to anyone, perhaps I'm overstating that. I make people laugh, in fact two days ago a girl complimented my well maintained pectorals. She told me she loved when I wore tight shirts, and I'll admit I smiled a little. But other than that I feel I have no real worth in this world. It's very hard to explain. But I digress, back to Myspace.com.

"Love me, not your idea of me!" Jonelle Allen, Two Gentlemen of Verona

The site annoys me in general. It's more of a way of life now than a social directory. It's like there are two sides to it. Those that seem amazing from the way their pictures and sites (at least textually) are laid out. And those that seem immensely boring. It's where I have to keep telling myself, "Don't worry even though they may look interesting I'm sure they are not that great in real life, after all they have all this time to hang out on myspace.com, right?"

Then there are those that post picture of them with their boyfriends of the time. When I say "those" of course I am talking about gay men. I could careless about straight women, they do what they want and I don't mind. And it's when I see younger 20-somethings like myself posting pictures with their boyfriends. Maybe jealousy is the word that you would figure would come to my mind. For me the word that comes to my mind is confusion. I wonderment at how they do it.

How does one connect with someone nowadays? Enough to feel verified that you can take pictures of your "relationship" and post them consciously on myspace.com! It may be the nihilist speaking again, but the reason I didn't go so far as to break out the digital camera, cuddle up with W and take those pictures is I knew it wouldn't last that long, let alone be worth the energy.

"Tell me is love just a popular suggestion, or merely an obsolete art? Forgive me for asking this simple question, I'm unfamiliar with his heart, I'm a stranger here myself." Mary Martin, One Touch of Venus

The other night...Sit down kids I've got a tale to tell. The other night...

At W's birthday party, I met this guy. I'll call him Chess since his favorite musical is CHESS, he knows more about it than I. Which is saying almost TOO much. I knew we were meant to be soul mates from the moment I met him. Then I learned he lived in New Jersey, so it only affirmed that God is swift and unjust when he wishes to be. But we chatted the entire night and I thought he was a great guy. Nothing happened just feel in love...in that internal sense of it.

"I don't see myself as taking part at all..." Judy Kuhn, Chess

Hey, you can tell me you want to fuck me all night long and I'll smirk. But you tell me that you went to the one night Chess benefit concert in 2003, starring Sutton Foster, Julia Murney, Josh Groban and Adam Pascal, and I'll not only let you fuck me all night long, we can go into the wee hours of the morning as well.

So surprisingly this Thursday he invited me out to a bar. It was almost a shock, but very flattering. We met, we drank (but not much), we danced and made out almost more than we danced and drank together. So naturally I invited him back to my place to stay. Yes I actually had someone over.

Now we would all guess this story ends happily ever after, right?

Cut to the NYU dorm room. He has friends over many ages, young and old. These friends were younger, technically freshmen in college. In NYU no less. This would be my second time in an NYU dorm with actual NYU students and incidentally this would be my second time I returned home and found I had blood in my urine...strange huh?

Now before I go one, not to say all NYU students are this way I know that.

But continuing on, here I am sitting here with some 19 year old who live in an dorm room, go to an expensive college, are FINE ART majors and then try to prove to me that they are unique. Perhaps I intimidated them, perhaps they felt they had to prove something, but in short I wasn't amused.

I've done drugs, I've slept my way to the top, I've done all the things you have. There's no reason to try and play this game. It only reaffirmed why hanging out with kids my age makes me upset about life. Then one starts to talk about how he's saving up money for his trip to Berlin. Woe is you dear, woe is you.

What really made me laugh/cringe is when these 18 and 19 year olds asked me if I had coke and then OFFERED me Crystal Meth...

Sometimes I wonder about my generation and where we shall end up. That or NYU students who live lives like that. It makes me laugh to see a student who can't keep up with their work, especially in those circumstances. Almost enough to make me want to SPIT in their face while I chuckle.

"I can be cruel, I don't know why." Tori Amos

I've grown tired, that's all for now.

Wednesday, March 7

Iguana Reflects

I've got those "hey-you-say-you-want-me-but-don't-want-to-touch-me-cause-I-had-scabies-once-but-now-they-are-gone-but-still-it-bothers-you" Blues.

But I'm almost certain it's official, I am bug free! It's been a week, well a little more since I applied the cream and well I've been itch free (I mean the occasional dry skin itch, or the morning just woke up itch) but if you could have seen me itching a month ago, you'd know what a mess I was. So now I ask, what's next? Nothing I hope.

I almost had a small coronary this morning when I return back to my apartment from the gym. I don't know if it was an old person who roomed here or someone who comes to visit, but there was a paper declaring that someone needs to appear in court (not me though). At first glance though I immediately thought, "Well the jig on this sketchy place is up, and three months on the dot, time to move out." NOT a thought I wanted to have. I don't know what the letter is, but it's not addressed to me so I don't really care.

I've been reading some good plays the last few weeks. I read Arcadia by Tom Stoppard, The Seagull by Chekov, Equus by Schaffer (I think), and I started reading another Tennessee Williams play. One of his earlier called Spring Storm. Though written when he was very young (26 I am pretty sure), it still has that wonderful Williams style. I am addicted to that man and nothing will let me stop loving him.

It's midterm time and I'm feel underwhelmed. I know I have things to study for, but it's not hitting home. Life is sort of disjointed nowadays. I am always working, always doing something, but I feel nothing is getting done. It perplexes me.

I ate a pot cookie last night, left over from this weekend and it lead me to hookup with this man from the gym. Well the cookie didn't but it created a very "Dreamlike" scenario. I sort of just jabbered on and on, then the sexual stuff started and I could not hold one thought down, it was very different, but fun. I kept thinking I was hallucinating the entire thing.

He said he had fun, I did too, I think. My mind is going.

I had to leave shortly after that and I returned home. Floating through space is fun sometimes, if not disheartening.

I'm seeing The Pirate Queen this weekend, it's supposed to be a giant mess, I can NOT wait!!

As well as a small bit of my life will become complete when I see Sweet Bird of Youth this Sunday also. Praise Tennessee Williams!! This play is fantastic if not ultimately tragic. What I adore about it is how today it could SO easily be adapted into a gay situation. I think I may rewrite it someday.

Sunday, March 4

Iguana Makes a 15 Min Long Post

This weekend marks a very significant (though not necessarily good) event.

I didn't see any sort of theater.

I know! Shock and scandal. Unless you count Thursday where I saw my College's production of June Moon. Can anyone say dated? It was cute, but that's all it REALLY was. Some of the actors really captured that 1920s style. While others just played the same old game. It's funny seeing shows in a small theater department cause the BFA/MFA Acting Majors are basically in repertory. Since it's the new semester the ones I saw last semester are now playing new roles, but one has to ask, have they improved? Some have, some haven't. Simple as that.

So what did I do this weekend without theater? Good question. I sort of went to parties and drank and socialized. I did read Equus, which was psychologically brilliant. I think I'm the only person hoping for the Harry Potter version of this show to come to Broadway for the show's sake and not just cause I want to see his penis...I could care less. I've seen many wands in my short time on earth, even Harry Potter's won't impress me more than others.

What else happened? I went out to Harlem for a friend's birthday party. It was fun. But it happened again. I'm slightly drunk and I say something that dates myself. Last night it was, "I came out when I was 15." And someone is like, "15? How old are you now?"

And I answer them and they make a big scene because I'm young. Granted he was an improv actor so he's ALL about being dramatic and being the center of attention. He informs me, "You do REALIZE we're here for J's 30th birthday?"

Yea I was aware. I don't think he spoke to me for the rest of the night. Alcohol and youth do not make older people happy.

Someone tried to improve my surprise by his reaction in saying, "Well you definitely have an older soul." To which I laughed.

I just always want to say look at it from my perspective! I'm friends with NO one my age. Not that it's awful, it really isn't. But to know you've actually lived life, traveled and so what you're 33 and an improv actor? Or 32 and a bike messenger. It's the life you've lived and you're still here. I don't know if I'll ever amount to anything and always feel a heavy urge to catch up to my older friends.

Even though I know it'll come with experience and life, it's hard to watch them all take vacations, live in their decent/great apartments and have enough time to go out late on weekdays, and just hang out with friends.

While I can't really meet up because I have class until 6pm, and then I have to do my homework that day because with my work and class schedule it's the only time that is allotted to me. Plus I need to work late nights so I can never make it to happy hour cause I don't get off work until 9 or 1030 most nights.

It's things like that, that are tough. I know they sound contrived, but they do bother me slightly.

OR the fact that all my friends have been friends for many years, they met when they were 21/22 and are now entering their 30s and still friends. I haven't a friend that I've known that long that I can name off hand. And that's friends who are here with me now! Not people I do still communicate with.

It was REALLY difficult to lose my identity when I transfered colleges, but I did. I don't have a friend from there really that is willing to go that extra step to say hello.

I shouldn't be complaining, my weekend wasn't bad, it was very fun actually.

I didn't get home until 5 am this morning...so I'm tired...

Post time is up!

Thursday, March 1

Iguana Has 9 mins

I have 9 minutes left on the computer to make a quick journal update.

I've been flighty I admit, not really posting. The reason is it's hard to live life and actually keep a blog about it.

Not to say people with blogs don't have lives...okay I'm sort of saying that. But then again I have a blog so that makes no REAL sense, since I'm doing lots of stuff.

Saw The Vertical Hour with Julianne Moore, who I loved. The play wasn't bad, it made some really interesting points about America in general. A little draggy. The thing was that it kept bringing up new points of conversation. The War in Iraq, fidelity, Liberals with conservative opinions, obesity.

It was just very nice to see Julianne Moore in person, she's VERY pretty. She wasn't as bad as they made her sound in reviews. I guess critics tend to confuse movies with theater. Her character was convincing. Bill Neigh (sp, 5 minutes doesn't allow me to look up the proper spelling) was a funny and interesting character. The way he held the character was a little distracting. I figured he was supposed to be a little eccentric in a way, so he wasn't THAT awful.

I'm healing well. Itching has been reduced immensely. W caught it too, which I feel awful about, I guess that makes me Typhoid Mary...literally. We both used the cream and well while my itching has gone down, he's found new spots and is freaking out. He bought a second does. I tell him when you destroy and entire population, not everything dies at once. When we bombed Hiroshima did EVERYONE die? No. So when you use a cream on your body to kill Scabies, there may be a few who survive. I don't know. They'll die eventually though...I just don't know. OY. It's making me think I should buy a second does as well...

Post is finished due to time constraints.