Iguanas Social Life Ends

The final month of school, May will prove to be the most annoying one of my entire year. Why?

Well first, I started Wardrobe Crew for Comedy of Errors. Which means the next two weekends are WASTED on running this show. No REAL going out Friday-Sunday. The good news about it is I have to take a week off of work, so I get a chance to do ALL the homework I'm behind on. Cause I don't have to rush from school and all that.

I just need to plan wisely. That's all. Laundry, final projects, etc.

The ending of Chess is SOOOOOO sad. It's literally just Judy Kuhn crying on stage when she realizes she's lost EVERYTHING. It's a side note, I know, but I love this show SO much. I just didn't know it ended this sadly! Cry, Judy, Cry! You feel the pain of the world!

Then after these two weekends are finished I go into finals. OY! I'll do it, I know I can!! Got to stay focused this week is all! And I shall!! OH and what's even more funny is the third weekend in May I have to go back upstate (no I won't be getting a tattoo), for my grandparents 50th anniversary.

My mother called me to inform me that they party was set for May 19th (a Saturday).

"But mom, I have finals that coming week!"

"Craig I'm not telling you to come home, I'm not telling you not too. But it's their 50th Anniversary, it's a VERY Big thing."

And with that the DEAL was SEALED. She didn't demand it, but just placed some nice guilt and I will run home! It's going to be a VERY quick trip though. Literally leaving EARLY Saturday morning and returning Early Sunday. No REAL rest in there.

OY.

Then the week of finals and I'll be done done done! For the summer at least!

Iguana Doesn't Know Why

I know this is a stupid question, and in reality I DO know the answer, but for humor's sake I shall continue:

Question: Your mouth and nose are connected correct?
Reason: When I went to blow my nose I found a green piece of gummy worm in my snot, so it sort of dyed my boogers green. So unless I'm mutating, I just wanted to make sure.
Thank you.

Iguana Is Scandalous

I'm officially a paid model.

With that out of the way...

I just took part in my first porn shoot ever.

It was VERY amateur and low key. It wasn't REALLY even porn. It was just me jerking off. I mean if that's porn, then I'm a certified porn star ever in my own bedroom/room that I live in.

I had met the guy before and he offered for me to do it. It was hilarious because we had slept together before this. So technically the photographer took advantage of me during the shoot. Apparently I really turned him on. Which was very sweet in it's own perverse way. So I got some fun play out of it too.

Wow. I am dirty tonight.

He's going to send me the pictures so I can see them and keep them. I'm nervous. Who knows. Now not to sound really immodest but since we knew each other he really was into me and didn't take many pictures and more movie.

Dirty girl!

So I did my think, I almost made the camera man cum before I did. I found that funny. Then he asked to have sex with me and I looked him in the face and said very business like. "I didn't come here to do that. You'll have to schedule another day." He was a very sweet guy though. It was fun. I just hope the pictures look decent.

Yea, blah blah blah, I'll regret it someday. Or it'll come back to haunt me. Just like my tattoos. Well when it does I'll have to laugh it off. I mean who doesn't jerk off?

Wanna get dirty?

P.S. My drafting class LOVES me. Like four of the kids said that even if they were behind they wouldn't miss a Thursday class because of the funniness I bring to it! I was so flattered. One of my classmates said, verbatim, "When you enter the room the silence ends and the sunshine starts to come out." How sweet. If only they could see me now!

Iguana's Letter to his Gentleman Caller

A letter that will never be sent and written for my own sanity:

Dear Gentleman Caller,

It was a wonderful Saturday that I spent with you. You were very fun and sweet to hang out with. I was glad that you suggested we have a day where we do "nothing" even though we did do several things. We had Vietnamese food in China town, we walked around Soho, we went to a movie in Chelsea, we watched HD TV and we had a slice of pizza outside of your apartment.

I am glad we are friends and I truly enjoyed myself. It grieves me though that I have to bring up the next topic, it will make me seem vain and foolish to bring up such an issue on such a wonderful time.

My issue being: Why didn't we have sex? Now before you react I know there are several possible answers to this question that I actually milled about in my mind while I slept next to you. First, would be that we agreed to have a day of just relaxing (as we had), just to unwind. As that is the probable answer, but because I am a Cancer, I must worry because the answer wasn't presented that way.

Second, could be since you mentioned at lunch how there is a man you are interested in. You also mentioned though how you were fooling around with others a couple times during the week. Now unless I misunderstood you and that was the man you are interested in (which I don't think I did), why wasn't I one of them?

The last option, and though I will doubt this is the reason, it is still a possible reason. That you no longer find me attractive/find any sexual attraction to me. Of course of all three reasons, as you fell asleep around 11 o'clock this immediately was the reason that went through my head.

There I sat on your bed, in my tight underwear completely in your hands. It's been four months since we've had sex, you remember that crazy sex we used to have. That fun memorable sex. I openly told you I miss good sex. You were so happy I said that to you, you felt prouder than a Rooster. You even told a co-worker. But, since you put these thoughts in my head, I'll be honest. I have found good sex since you, I told the little white lie, you were great sex, but it's not like I haven't found replacements. It's nothing against you, but I do still miss your good sex.

You also refer to me as one of the top 3 sexual experiences in your life. That touches me to, but as you know I'm not as vocal as you are about your sexuality. Unless of course you were lying and that was only to make me feel better, which I highly doubt. You remember Thanksgiving, CERTAINLY as well as I remember Thanksgiving. There's no way that I can't be slightly memorable.

I found it funny how you never asked me about my life, if I was seeing anyone? Do you not care that much? You just pretend? If you do, your game is wearing a little thin. I know you have always kept me at arms length from getting close to you. It became painfully obvious when you told me about this new man in your life and how you were going to see a show with him soon. If it had been a orchestra or ballet I would've been fine. But to tell me you're breaking down and seeing a Broadway show with this man. Why didn't you just spit in my face there. Of course I smiled and feigned a surprised look mixed with a tone of, "But you hate Broadway theater?!" When inside I was screaming, "You CHEAP FUCK!!"

Then you add onto this pain inside by refusing me carnal pleasure. You're a sly one GC, very sly.

I write this to you because I am still weak. I know I am human and worth more than sex, and our friendship should be enough. But to be denied that still hurts me. When I know the times we had, the way you still hint that it could happen. You don't know how long I laid awake just thinking about it. Almost crying. Yes, the movie didn't make me cry, but your actions almost did.

The joke is on your though, I am stronger than that. I won't let you make me feel this way, so you'll have to try harder next time. Tell me how your Broadway show goes and I will smile and tell you I've already seen it, probably ask your opinion, but I won't care in the least. Who cares what you did with your older lover after the show...I won't care.

Regardless, I still value your friendship and the kindness. I will forgive you for your friendly torment that you bring into my mind and body. As a way to make up even, I won't pay for you the lunch, the pizza, the movie and anything else you paid for me on Saturday. I know we discussed it, but I think the mental angst you put me through it payment enough. Until we can do this again...

Love and Faithfully Yours,
Your Blue Eyes

P.S.Know that it's men like you that keep me in my prim shape and body status. While you know what drives me wild I also know what makes you crazy too.

Iguana Discusses His REAL Life

"If you took all that energy you put into sex, and focused it on other things, imagine what you could do."

Yes, that sentence was told to me this Saturday/Sunday by a man that I spent a while having sex with. A gorgeous older man who had the energy of a boy of 19 apparently. Oh me and the older gentlemen, it's just not right sometimes. We did things that probably would make even the easiest of women blush.

I'm not on to brag so I'll stop there. I know what you're thinking, "She complains about it and yet always goes back to being so easy." I know, but the thing about the comment that man made is that, I get more opportunities for sex than for other things in life. Besides, I need one weakness don't I? If I was without distraction I would be utterly unstoppable.

I need sex to keep me in place.

Why not? I don't have time to fall in love it seems, and it always seems like the moment I try to get involved those men just HURT me anyway.

Another little sex issue that I'm VERY proud of is that I'm discovering the Top inside of me. Usually, I play the role of bottom, which I enjoy VERY much, but this older man took advantage of my obvious LARGE endowments and though he loves to top...apparently he could resist. O_0.

I know that may be a little too much information, but I think it's very flattering and totally blew my mind. I was so shocked and surprised! But I did it a couple times, so I think I'm doing pretty good for myself.

I promise that more will be revealed years down the road in my Tell All Expose , whenever that is written.

In other news, is there really any other news?

I had a date tonight, a REAL date. I know. It's funny that I'm shifting gears from my slutty ways to my dating life, but I am. Once again an older man.

I have some SERIOUS issues with older men. I'm talking mid to late 30s (perhaps early 40s, but they REALLY need to be cute). I see them and I think such weird/sexual things. This summer I am going to try to seek therapy, and I know that's probably something that will come up once or twice.

I do find it funny that many of the men I've enjoyed sleeping with literally could sit down with my parents and discuss "their" era and childhood, than they can with me. Yet in the end, I get along well enough with them. Maybe it's my older soul, or maybe it's the fact they don't care, they just want to have sex with me.

So the date was nice, this guy in crazy but in a good way. He admits he has the personality of a 12 year old, so he's not all stuffy and actually very funny. We had a nice dinner, that he paid for...it was 125 for the two of us! Then we went back to his place and watched Casino Royale, which was long, but fun and a little confusing. I love that they are TOTALLY changing the James Bond plot lines from years before.

Then I slept with him in his bed. Literally, we did fool around, but slept more than fooled around. I'm just taking it as it comes. If I take time to think about it I think I may FUCK it up again.

I'm like an Iguana sometimes, just pulling at the end of my rope.

Iguana Hates Lovemusik

Today I give you a personal and indepth look into my mind and what happens when a piece of theatre that I feel SO strongly about does to my mind. This is an email* I sent to a friend telling him about my reaction to Lovemusik. Something I have mentioned several times...

Love-Mother-Fucking-Musik. It had all the write properties but often in those situations it was ruined. I understand you dislike for Hal Princes staging techniques...OY. OY!! As far as story goes on. In that little video they talk about how they based the novel Speak Low (which I found yesterday at Strand book store cause it's out of print). The entire novel is all about the personal letters sent between Weill and Lenya their entire life together. I was VERY excited to read this book, and hoped that the musical wouldn't spoil anything from it.

Well I'm still excited to read the book because as far as I can tell it has nothing to do with the musical outside of what you can read in the introduction. It's a bio-musical (abridged VERY much) of Weill's life. Disguised as a "love" story between Lenya and Weill. Who for the 1920-1950s their marriage was something VERY strange for the time. It was basically an open relationship. Lenya took lovers and made it well known to Weill. But she was insanely jealous, etc. It's very interesting to know something like that existed during those years long ago.

Too bad this interesting relationship wasn't REALLY even the main point of this "love" musical. It was all about Weill's career. The other book I read about Weill this summer, basically was what they used. Discussing all his major successes. The thing that intruiges me is how Cruel Lenya acted towards Weill the entire show, and YET (this was in the introduction of the Speak Low, so if Alfred Uhry REALLY read it he's want to look into this too...but apparently not) when Lenya died they found 100s of letters that Weill sent her kept basically in perfect condition. She CHERISHED Weill and yet the entire musical Donna played Lenya as this sassy bitch towards him.

As for the actors. Well Michael was good as Weill and basically got ALL The best solo numbers. But in his monotone Weill-ian voice I felt it was wasted. Donna played a good Lenya in my opinion, lots of people in the theater were saying how she came across as annoying. What annoyed me about these people is A LOT of people in our generation know Lenya as the old woman who played a spy in James Bond, with a deep raspy voice. Young Lenya had a VERY nasally voice and was SASSY and rude, etc. Plus her singing voice wasn't trained and was somewhat annoying.

And it's funny how when Leyna came to America she couldn't start a REAL career (thus living in the shadow of Weill until his death and the creation of the American ThreePenny) because of these reasons. She didn't have a typical singing voice and she wasn't the typical 1940s female in looks or manners. So in my opinion Donna did a superb job (because we all know Murphy has an amazing voice so she totally toned it down).

However, she was given no numbers to STAND out. None of her numbers were long enough or given enough emotion to allow her to shine. Her two most powerful numbers were "Alabama Song" and "Surabaya Johnny." I read how her Surabuya Johnny got a standing O the first preview...ummm where? I have heard probably a 1000 versions of that song sung by Patti Lupone, Betty Buckley, Marianne Faithfull, Audra and Lenya herself. And the version written for this show was NOT moving as those versions. I'd have to listen to it again to see if they had cut out whole verse.

The actor who played Brecht (I forget his name, he was in Coast of Utopia) was given WAY to much stage time for a show about Weill and Lenya. He had MORE solos and bigger production numbers than Leyna did! If you can say this poorly funded musical could afford big production numbers. Cause it hardly did! Someone said how Hal used Cabaret like sequences...ummmmm chances are Kander and Ebb used Weill like melodies for Cabaret and that's why it seemed similar. Also they said there was a love land sequence. This sequence was hardly loveland-esque. Well it was, but without any special effects. Once again Weill invented the Concept musical with the musical Love Life. Hal Prince admits to that. So chances are Sondheim STOLE that sequence from Weill in the first place.

Moving alone. Costumes were blah, scenes were loud flats on wheels that made SO much noise moving around stage. It was just one disappointment after the next. What annoyed me about people in the audience is I kept hearing people bringing up, "I saw the ThreePenny Revival last year...it was awful." Like this show had any connection to that show, other than the fact that it was Weill's masterpiece. Just cause you know Threepenny Opera, DOESN'T mean you know Weill!! That's what I wanted to yell at people, but since the show had so many other weaknesses it wasn't worth defending.

So I'll stop now because I'll pass out. I just needed to get that all out lol. Cause that's how I felt about the musical. It's hard when something you love so much is ruined so easily.

*Please excuse the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, I was SO worked up I didn't care.

Iguana in in Faggot Heaven

Upon returning home from my uninspired viewing of Deuce, an acquaintance offered to send me several of his rare Soundboard recordings of different musicals that sent me into a fit of pleasure.

Soundboard recordings are live recordings of shows, usually mediocre quality, but some are pretty good. For someone like me this is like telling a car fanatic that you have a garage filled with antique cars. I go into fits of laughter and love! He sent me the following Gems, plus more are to come:

1. A Chorus Line (1983) — The one night performance in which Michael Bennett changed the entire show and invited all the different cast members from around the country to perform in the show. The reason being that it was the night A Chorus Line became the longest running show on Broadway. Beating out Grease for that title.
   
2. Little Fish — A lesser known show by Michael John LaChiusa, it's a little confusing because some of the tracks are out of order, but it sounds interesting and weird, like most of his shows.
3. Anyone Can Whistle (Ravina performance) — One of Sondheim's lesser known shows, which is very interesting. Plus it's starring Patti LuPone and Audra McDonald! Surprisingly, they work together much more than I ever thought.
   
4. Patti LuPone Live! — A Concert she did in the 80s (this one is an actual CD) and I listened to some of it and DAMN! She's amazing and the lady was VERY into Weill, but then again who wouldn't be?
5. The Last Five Years (Concert Performance) — It's starring Laura Kennedy and Jason Roberts Brown himself (the man who wrote the music). It's nice to hear the dialogue to the show. It has quite a history behind it. Apparently, JRB wrote the show based on his actual marriage to his wife. She got pissed and sued him when she realized the story of the show is about how the husband becomes successful while the wife never does.
   

And lastly my personal favorite:

Soundboard recording of Chess in 1988, opening night!! This one is a big one for me. I LOVE Chess more than I can say, though it was a flop. It's quality is rather shotty (but it was 1988) but to hear the speaking parts and to realize how much of the show (musically) they cut out is SO surprising! Judy Kuhn, David Carroll (may he rest in peace) and Philip Casnoff are all amazing (they are posted above), even in the shitty quality!

Plus Marcia Mitzman, who has a small part, is wonderful. I wish she hadn't stopped after The Who's Tommy and kept making musicals. She's got a stunning voice.

"I think 21's gonna be a good year." I really do Marcia.

Oh and in other good news, theatre related (as usual). I got an interview with a theatre company I applied to for my internship! It's probably too good to be true, and I don't want to jinx anything, so I won't speak of it too much until I actually get it. It's just nice to know I got a call back.

I'm filled with anticipation for this Sunday. Almost like I am going to pop. Why do you ask? Well this Sunday is going to be rather big for my nerves. It's the day I see LoveMusik, which I am just nervous and antsy about. I saw the song list and that thrills me!!

Iguana Sees a Legend

Tonight I saw Deuce, the new Broadway show starring two living Theater legends. Angela Lansbury and Marion Seldes. When someone like Lansbury takes to the stage you can say several things. They are as follows:

"I saw her in her first ever Broadway musical." — Most of these people have passed away.

"I have seen her when she played in ________ and she won her Tony." — These people are still living, depending on which show you refer to.

Lastly, and this is the case I fall into:

"I saw her final show."

It's slightly unfortunate that I probably saw Angela Lansbury on stage live in perhaps one of the most mundane plays ever. I am MORE than grateful I saw the two on stage, in their twilight years they still have amazing stage presence! It was the second preview so I turned a blind eye to the obvious forgetting of lines and such.

But when the entire show is just watching them talk, you can't help but notice when they forget lines. But Angela is 81 years old and hasn't been on a Broadway stage in 24 years, so once again it's forgivable!

Terrance McNally is to blame in my opinion. Granted he is a great writer. I love Masterclass more than I can say, plus Love! Valor! Compassion! has a character my life is based off apparently...minus the HIV. But nowadays he's sort of Blah, but he has such renown he can write anything and a theater will put it on. Aren't we learning our lesson? In a couple weeks I'm seeing his other Off-Broadway show titled Some Men. It's about gay marriage and we shall see. If that is also awful I'll be able to fight more. Since I've only seen a couple of his shows I can't judge.

Chita Rivera's The Dancer's Life doesn't count as a legitimate show of his. It was Chita's story!

It's just upsetting. Here you are giving these two amazing theater actresses their last hurrahs. I mean we don't want to believe that this is their last time on the stage, but honestly...I'll be honest. I mean McNally was honest.

Throughout the show a minor character keeps saying, "Look at these women...they are the real thing. Look at them now...look at them...LOOK AT THEM!!"

He might as well just say, "Look at these women, you might as well because they'll be DEAD soon!!"

It was nice to see two great names up close and doing what they can do. I just wish the play content was severely different.

Iguana's Quest for Health

I will be healthy again! I will figure out why I am slowly going mad by way of itchiness! I am going to survive this thing!!

Well with that out of the way, I have decided a couple things. My mother pointed out that when W first claimed that I had scabies and gave it to him, she asked, "Did you ever see his bite marks?" And I mean I may have seen one or two, but really nothing significant. It's like locking someone in a room and telling them there is a war, but all they can do is hear the war, but they never SEE it. You know something is going on, but you're not sure what to believe.

Doing my laundry always makes me aware of where I live. Appropriately titled, I live in Skid Row. My gentleman caller did his usual comparison when I told him this, "I remember when I used to live in the ghetto..."

Well GC you don't live in the ghetto anymore, you live on the East side is a trendy part of Manhattan now! Before that you lived in a beautiful part of Brooklyn I would give my left hand for and before that you lived in the West Village.

So really if you don't mind GC, I love you and all that, but kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP!

"Someone show me a way to get out of here, cause I constantly pray I'll get out of here. Please won't somebody say I'll get out of here. Somebody give me my shot or I'll rot here! Show me how and I will, I'll get out of here. I'll start climbing up hill and get out of here. Someone tell lady luck that I'm stuck here! Bid the gutter farewell and get out of here. I'd move heaven and hell to get out of here!"

Really that sums up my feelings about how I feel about living. When I was little watching The Little Shop of Horrors and wondering what Skid Row was, I never knew I'd actually be living it some day. Granted it's not that bad, not THAT dangerous, but honestly it's not paradise.

I got my tattoo and it hurt slightly. It's drying out much quicker, but I'm glad I got it. Oh and if you were wondering this is the image I chose of Judy to have on my body for the rest of my life...So one of the most depressing things about my trip back home was a talk I had with my mother. Actually I had several great talks with my mother, but this one upset me and I think it made her nervous. It wasn't a long talk, but after telling her about the stresses and all that I've been through. She asked a simple question:

"But you're happy?"

And I stopped and responded awkwardly, "Well...you see...No I'm not. How can I possibly be happy when everything has been so bad? I've had health issue after health issue, I've been kicked out of apartments repeatedly and it's not let up once." It hurt to tell her this. I could tell she didn't wish to hear it either.

I continued, "Am I surviving is a better question, and I can say yes I am. I'm trying to stay strong and I live life on hope. I know that this can't be it. I can't keep living life this way. I often think of a day when I'll have a better place to live and my health will be improved and I'll be comfortable with where I am."

I know it sounds so melodramatic, but really that's my life nowadays. As I said, it is tempting sometimes to want to return to upstate NY (not where I LIVE, but somewhere like Saratoga or something) and have smaller worries. I felt such envy when my mother was getting stressed out about which pizza to order from Pizza Hut and if the coupons we had would cover the meal. It's not that I resent my mother or my family or anyone.

Just a wonderment at the different levels of stress we can have. I can't say my problems are anymore stressful than others. But I sometimes wonder when I see someone stress out about something so small, I think, "What would happen if they had to go through some of the things I go through? Would they handle it well or would it consume them?" Who knows. And hardly to say that I've lived a trying life, honestly, half of you don't even know what I'm talking about. It's hard when I do keep so much inside and seal it up with a smile.

I want to slap myself sometimes for how I can smile and laugh after some of the things I just did.

A small note: I REALLY am not complaining right now, more stream of consciousness right now. I'm not actually in a bad mood or anything.

I'm convinced my bed is EVIL. Sort of like the mattress in Hellraiser I & II. It's FULL of evil. And I have come to this obvious conclusion...

I am going to get a new bed either soon or when I move officially. Until this happens I will be sleeping on the floor from now on. It's very uncomfortable but for my sanity I must do this.

I did my laundry and in my quest of making myself sterile from every insect, parasite and germ that will touch my body, I destroyed my wool coat by throwing it into the wash and it came out COVERED in lint. It's irreparable, but it's also old so I threw it out.

Out with the old...

Last night I searched for a friend to come see The Grindhouse with me. My search was highly unsuccessful and I went alone. Something I don't like doing at the movies, for theater it is fine, purely cause I go for the show and to observe. The movies is different for me. Plus it was scary so I didn't want to go alone.

The whole movie was amazing! Gross yes, but not that bad, minus the tearing off of the face with tire wheels and the loss of a leg at one scene. Everything else was I able to handle and laugh at. I loved how all these horror directors worked together to make this movie. It shows that there is a comradery in that genre and they all know they have specific styles and such. It was VERY good.

Plus Rose McGowan has been reborn to me in my eyes. I have LOVED her since she was first in Scream and got crushed in the garage door. I never forgave the killer for doing that. But to see her in this film, I feel like she has taken a potion and must soon disappear (via Death Becomes Her) because people are going to soon catch on that she looked immaculate at her age!

Iguana has Turkey Dinner

It's about time they put the performance at the Tony's up. If anyone posts a comment (and you know who you are) saying that the Camp version was better...I will laugh at your ignorance. Michael Bennett did this way back before A Chorus Line, it's just amazing!

End of story

Iguana Follows the Universal Signs

So here I am, in upstate NY. The only place I feel I can relax (if by force because there is nothing to do) and I can't sleep! I have a pain in my neck, literally. So I'm up at 6:30 am, when I REALLY shouldn't be seeing as I was up until 2 am this morning, but I'll get there in time.

The trip went smoothly and as usual it takes approximately 3.5 hours for me to realize that I know why I can't live up here EVER. So it's a nice reminder for when I return to the city. It's almost ridiculous, I feel that if I were to move anywhere else, in the US at least, that I wouldn't be able to take the quiet. I can tell my life would just become, simple.

Problems like scabies, men and shitty living situations.
Would suddenly be replaced with issues like, should I go to the mall today with my friend even though I don't want to buy anything, accidentally taking my Hospital Certificate instead of my Birth Certificate when I applied for a passport and how when I went to the market they didn't have my favorite brand of crackers.

I mean who would ever want to leave the city? Honestly.

This Easter Sunday I am getting my sixth tattoo. I was going to save it until July when I came home to celebrate my birthday. However, due to life way of working I felt I deserved a little more ink on my skin.

It's like a sort of therapy to me. Absurd, I know. How do I justify that idea? This may make sense, or it may sound crazy. But, getting a tattoo of something I find aesthetically pleasing on my body is comforting. Granted I could resent it 35 years from now, when my body is sagging, which I don't believe. I'll always know that at one time I had a reason, even if I forget, for getting it. Or the memory of why I got it will still be there.

For example, yesterday, the Gentleman Caller and I were talking (yes I have reconnected with him) and he told me he had a slight confession to make. I asked what.

He said, "Remember in June/July when we met and had all that fun together, then in August I went to Europe with a friend? Then we didn't see each other for all of September? Then in October sometime we reconnected."

I told him yes, I already knew where this was going...call it a whore's intuition.

He continued, "And remember how I told you my ex-boyfriend and I had broken up in June. Well that wasn't true. He was in Europe for his Law School program and left a couple months early. I had already fallen out of love with him in my mind and I knew we would break up. The thing was his company was going to pay for my trip to Europe too. So in one last effort to make our relationship work, I went and it was [I'm paraphrasing in this part] awful. Then we came back and in September we gave it one last effort and broke up at the end of that month."

He continued on and I sat there and slowly, but surely I turned my head to my right arm and gazed down at Anita Morris, sitting on my shoulder. So after that confession was out of the way the only thing I asked him, and it was more for reassurance/clarification was:

"So let me get this straight, I was the other woman?"

Another wonderful memory added to my Anita tattoo that I'll always think of when I see her. I knew there was a reason she belonged on my shoulder.

The second reason tattoos are a form of therapy is for the pain. This next tattoo I plan on getting on my ribs, yes, imagine the pain for a moment. It's going to be brutal and I am ready to accept that. Why? When I look past the last couple of months, say since I got my tattoos in December. I have had many painful things come and go in my life. The only difference between these two types of pain is the physicality and emotions behind them.

When I sit there and feel the needle pierce my skin, over and over again I can only think two things. First is, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WHEN WILL THIS END?!" Of course I sit there and grimace, but I never let the pain show. Conditioning, how grand. Secondly what also passes through my mind every time during and after is, "This is what real pain feels like, 1000 piercing needles in your skin over and over again." This is only one small part of your body that is feeling this, you could feel this everywhere and all the time." It may sound insane (as I often am told I am anyway) but I realize that what happens in my life is manageable. Nothing is too much that is can get me THAT down because even if I feel pain at the time, there are much worse pains to feel out there.

So...

With my freaky reasons for getting a tattoo. I'm not going to reveal what it is until I get it (as to save you the excuse for critiquing it and talking me out of it.) I'll give one HUGE hint, however this isn't the image I am getting. Some of you may know already since the actual image I have shown before.

I told the tattoo parlor when I informed them it's probably the gayest tattoo ever, they said, "No, the lady on your shoulder is pretty gay.*" I burst out laughing and knew that I could go through with it.

*My Anita Morris tattoo and this new one are probably both equally gay, so I'm not saying that. But the thing about the Anita Morris one is that she is much lesser known and obscure, while this one new is just blatant. Eh, who cares.

Iguana Points Out Genius

Before I take the long bus ride upstate to see my family for Easter and spend 4 days bored out of my mind. I just wanted to let you ALL know a little fact that I learned while I was packing for my trip.

I love Kurt Weill and Lotte Lenya more than I can possibly say. I read a book all about Weill's transition from Berlin to Broadway this summer and I was captured. I had heard his music before. Threepenny Opera, Lady in the Dark, and Street Scene before. I also knew his German Ballet/Operetta The Seven Deadly Sins before I read this book. The moment I read this book though I was instantly in LOVE with Weill, Lotte Lenya and their complicated love that lasted MANY years.

Let's face it people, you write The Threepenny Opera in 1928 and it lasts to be revived (even though it was an awful revival, as most Threepenny Opera* productions are because it's a very percise show, but I digress) in 2006, it certainly means something amazing!

So moving along (before I have to leave on the bus), today is the day the first Tony Awards were presented in 1947. There were only 13 awards given out. Among those awards given was to Kurt Weill for Best Original Score of a musical for Street Scene!!

Please forgive me but I find that terrific!! I'm stunned and amazed and LOVING Weill more than ever right now.

I can't wait to see LoveMusik on April 15th. It's an iffy show and I've been waiting with baited breath for it to come out. It's got an amazing cast and crew though. Michael Cerveris as Weill, Donna Murphy as Lenya, directed by Hal Prince, and music all by Weill himself. It's the story of Weill and Lenya's life long partnership that lasted until Weill's death. Now it could be awful, because Prince is one of the greatest directors of all time, but also is 1000 years old (no offense at all to Prince fans, but he is getting up there). I am seeing it though and I can't wait!! Expect a full review when I see the show...and I am going to REALLY dig into that one...I think, it's difficult when I love Weill so much.

Okay, time to start heading out to the bus station. Expect lots of posts from upstate because I'll be so bored.

*Bertolt Bretcht also is to be given credit for Threepenny Opera because in Berlin Weill and him were partners through and through.

Iguana Gives a Real Entry

Sorry for that sudden discovery, but I had to make it known. It's hard having an idol like Anita Morris, because her appearances in things are just so rare. But it always keeps me looking...I never feel that I've seen her in everything, cause when I least expect it, there she is in something new...

Moving on.

Today was horrible. I am learning more and more everyday, to never set me heart on another man. Here is the long short of it...

I met a guy at W's birthday party, after we had broken up. He was sweet, funny and intelligent. I may have mentioned him before (my memory is not what it used to be). The catch was he lives in NJ. Then to my surprise one night we went out to a bar, on his invitation. He drank, talked and had a wonderful make out session. He stayed at my place and we slept in my bed together, nothing dirty happened. It was nice. I was really starting to like him. He was sweet and honest and sincere.

His mind worked differently from anyone I'd ever met. He thought outside of the box. It was refreshing and made me feel hopeful.

We had never really had a talk about where we stand, except that we were friends. Even though we had made out and slept next to each other. I had often alluded to the fact that I was attracted to him and liked him.

Maybe it was my coy behavior, who knows.

Moving on.

So I'm at work today and it's busy as it has been all week. He texts me at how I am doing. Which is sweet and a surprise. We text each other back and forth and he tells me how he was up very late last night. I proceed to ask him what he ended up doing. And his response...

"I went out to a bar with a friend and drank a lot. Then I went back to his place in Chelsea and lost my 'virginity' so to speak."

Excuse me please?

And like clockwork Judy Garland came onto my ipod and I felt my soul shatter a little more. I rarely in my inner recess of a place I call a soul...or an empty void if you will, make room for someone to stay in there. He was one of those rare exceptions.

I was bit by a bug that I thought couldn't bite me anymore. I was suffering from puppy love I guess you'd call it. Every time we'd chat I'd enjoy it, I would always like to make contact with him. It was just that old feeling I rarely ever feel.

"Love does funny things when hits you this way...I could keep on singing like a lark going strong..."

And in one brief block of text those young puppies are castrated before they can go into heat. So being so good at hiding my emotions even through text message I respond:

"This is a little to much for me to deal with right now, but I am glad you had fun."

WHAT?! Could my nervous breakdown have seemed more apparent? There I am sitting at a computer, my smile drops, my eyes grow wide and I stare off into space. As Judy Garland rings in my ears.

I sit there thinking, "Why, why? What possessed him to want to tell me this?" Was my telling him I found him very attractive off putting? Did he never feel the same way? Perhaps, it's a possibility? I'm trying not to be melodramatic here, but it's difficult...

"No more his eager call, the writings on the wall, the dreams you've dreamed have all gone astray."

Perhaps he didn't feel the same way, the making out was just a drunken fluke, it's all very possible. He just wanted to be friends, because he values friendship more than sex. He actually is that type of guy...

I'm upset because I let it happen to myself. I mean this technically means nothing to me. We didn't have anything to lose, well he didn't. But why did he feel it was okay to tell me that? Granted I'll admit I wasn't exactly staying loyal for him. But it wasn't like I text messaged him and said, "Guess what I did four times this week, without you there?"

"I'm sure that love's an overrated past time, it's the last time I'll ever be anything but fancy free. For love is just a junior-high diversion, one-way excursion. I am sure that I am old enough to fly alone! And I'll face the unknown, I'll build a world of my own...No one knows better than I myself, I'm by myself alone."

By this song on my Judy Garland playlist I'm usually bitter (or reassured), you pick which, enough to get on with my life.

That's it heart, you're done with, not allowed to get in the way anymore.

Which is worse: Having lots of meaningless sex? Or falling for someone just to have them step on your heart? I'm not sure but I can tell you:

The meaningless sex may hurt at times, but I can deal with it much easier than the latter.

Which is why this entry comes full circle. Anita Morris, the role I play so well, and can't seem to get out of...It's a gift and a curse.

I leave you with Dorothy Loudon (The Original Miss Hannigan) being AMAZING for 45 seconds...

Iguana Returns to the Hills We Call Burnt

Two days until I return back to my home town for Easter. It's like going back to a land, no a village where they still live in a different time. I can't often make heads or tales of it. Seeing friends, seeing my parents, driving in a car. What are all these thing supposed to mean?

I left them for a reason, and I often wonder why? Life was is so simple upstate, it's unfathomable sometimes.

We interrupt this entry to bring you a special youtube video... Watch from 1 minute and 5 seconds to 1 minute and 40 seconds and you'll see why I just passed out from amazingness! The whole thing is good, but that time segment is the BEST!!