Another Week

The weekend was good and full of little surprises. I saw a double rainbow. It's a rare occurrence and I saw it! I almost expected a gateway to open up and suddenly gay marriage would be passed in NY state.

Then it was Pride this weekend. I drank so much beer, I am home at a normal hour because I am hoping that my Temp Agency will call me tomorrow with work. I light a candle every night praying that work will come my way. The double rainbow is a sign of luck, of this I am sure.

I have no appointments this week, I am but a bore. I am running to Coney Island, but it's not as romantic as it sounds. I bothers me to walk by the Ringling Bros. Circus and to be heading to the unemployment office. Oh to run away to the circus and to actually run away.

Happy pride and double rainbows!

An Ending Drama

Today has been a strange, but mildly optimistic day. I started it off with another interview at a temp agency. This one was bustling with people and more than the place I went to. My coordinator/guru/giver-of-jobs looked at my resume and asked, "Well, the question is what do you wanna do with your life?" The man was round, shaped like a boulder and had a red face. He looked like he was filled with possibilities to the point of bursting.

He then proceeded to go through my resume and make changes. Move this here, take this out, the title of "financial printer" is a dead term to him. I was a project assistant. I then took tests for my skills at know Microsoft Office programs. I scored 28 out of 30s. I can only type 52 WPM, we call that speed typing in the business.

My round sage lead me around and introduced me to a woman who looked like Barbara Walsh in the revival of Company. A man out of a Mamet play and a woman who offered me a chance at working at the US Open in Queens some August. Just like that! I stuttered and asked her if she was an illusion.

My shoes, they give me pointed toes. I look like the devil come down to Georgia with them on.

From the Temp Agency I went to the GMHC to get my free lunch. I stripped off my work shirt and wore a tank top. I seem to be into this idea of being trashy, but I don't think I look ridiculous. A man then asked me if Anita Morris presided on my arm, the discussion began and I smiled. Piano music played in the background, something by Gershwin.

I went to a second job search and met the opposite of my round wizard! A small black lady, but with lots of sass. She seems to be new to social work and wants to do good for all. It's a positive match.

I moved on to the YMCA and saw the cute trainer naked in the locker room. It's the little things in life these days. I think that's a good sign too, I'm hoping at least. I went to therapy and spoke of something that I have been milling about in my mind. I'm not ready to open it up to the world yet.

Then I returned home and listened to some Barbara Cook and played some Dead Space. Those things don't necessarily go together.

The Quick Trip Home

The trip home has been quick and harmless. I am glad, I will not allow myself to get upset. The pills fix that. No one asks me about getting a job cause they understand this current situation. We had a family portrait that involved white shirt and jeans. My alcoholic aunt created a scene and was promptly pushed out of the picture, literally.

It was awkward to say the lease.

I chose to ride with my father to the party. I told him that he's become a good dad and my mother has become the antagonist. I spot it and I see, but I can do better than that. I face problems. I have to keep this optimistic outlook.

I don't know, I'm improving myself. Keeping an idea, realizing that I can do it. I know I can. I made a pretty penny on graduation money. So, I'm going to invest that into a future trip, but put away the rest for a bit. Hopefully someday the work will come rolling in. I can feel it in my bones, these legs will be dancing again!

Graduation Party

I'm upstate this weekend. I wish I felt more inclined to write anything these days. There just has been nothing much to write.

Unfortunately, I do not.

A Bought of Sadness

Oh what a night. I ran the gamut, it was my first quiet night at home for a while. It's a Friday night and Friday nights at home always ring my emotional ties. I felt like a Barbara Cook Medley. First, I was crying on the fire escape (which I'll get to in a moment) and then I lost my glasses [Where's my other shoe?] and I topped it off by eating ice cream [that one is obvious]

I feel better because I cried out my anger. My roommate is nowhere to be found, which is no fault of her own. It seemed that everyone was busy, except for Bradley, he's always there. I'm proud of myself though, for getting through this and not getting to upset. There was a moment that I did get upset. It's a good step in all directions.

There was a moment tonight. Where I sat out on the fire escape and saw my super and his friends drinking Whiskey and laughing. While above them I wept, and they had no idea. That is the strangeness of life. Someone is crying, while others are laughing, in the same building and the same night.

I will remember one moment that I can take with me forever. Before the tears, when it was closer to sunset, I sat there looking at those men below me. Like some benevolent God and I saw the purple of the sky meet against the green of the leaves. I heard the children running and screaming playfully down the street. It was so peaceful and real. So colorful and simple. . .

The above was written two nights ago. . .

This Is Life . . .

I've been lazy. I've been lethargic. I have been active, that much is true.

I have been looking into several job placement kind of agencies. Why not? Rather then madly looking around, I'll look into stuff that will bring the work to me.

I was walking home today when the strange realization came to me, "This is it. . ." There's no homework or projects. Just looking for a job, getting my hair cut, going to the gym, etc. Simple things, easy tasks that need to be completed.

I went to a Rooftop Potluck dinner last night. Saw a film, been going to the doctor and therapy. This is life. . .All there is to it. To realize that now. heh! I still try to maintain my schedule.

I have been lazy, but in my the way I know, which is not really lazy at all. This is life . . .

All These Blank and Tranquil Years . . .

Moving, moving, moving along.

After two breakdowns this week and endless discussing of my graduation. I am putting that one to rest. Done!

I have been going to therapy and enjoying this little adventure of exploding emotionally once a week. The support group is back too. I joined the GMHC and will soon be getting free lunches every time I am in Chelsea. Oh to be poor and in a system.

I'm getting over the fact that I feel like I'm using the system. I am poor and unemployed. The government has systems for me. I will use them. I am slowly applying to jobs, nothing serious yet. I have an interview.

This is a plus. A possible job so quickly. I know how to survive this jungle. Tra-la! So much to do and the Tony Awards are coming up. Oh hurrah, they have become more sad than ever.

On a Sweaty Night

Printing up resumes and getting my teeth cleaned. I'm being as productive as I can be.

Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. is hiring

I was told last night that I should take time to think about a bigger goal for five years in the future. A simple suggestion and I will gladly take it, but I just need to figure out what that thing is. Perhaps it's the Wardrobe thing, so until then I must look for a job.

American Apparel is hiring.

Temp work is in my cites, I would not mind being a receptionist either. Perhaps I'll work on getting that. Or lie a little and get a waiting job. Oh, Christ! I'm a college graduate! I should have more of a plan than this. I live day-to-day and I cannot foresee the future, I am trying.

This weekend I went to the country and saw the sun and leaves. I felt the green of the grass and opened my mind. I laughed and slept and danced. To have fun in such dire times! I find that a little difficult. I'm working through it all.

I had a splendid time, that much is true. Then real life begins and it's a slight shock. Suddenly there is nothing, endless hours really. To do nothing. It hit me today, I sat on my couch not moving. I have to find a job, that is true. Yet, right now nothing is due. No classes to register for. No bedtimes are officially set yet.

All that's left is open time. Free hours to waste away into anything I want. I continued sitting on the couch, not moving, but only realizing: here we are. Oh well, you saw this coming. How thrilling, the whole of it!

Group Session 2: Another Cycle

Tonight at the second cycle, I broke down. That's all I really wish to share. Goodnight.