A Moment if you will...

I am going to be introspective. It's been in affect for the last 24 hours, starting with my visit with the Tall Man. He seemed to handle it well, but I felt I soured my mood of the night with constantly recollecting my life. We were sharing, ideas and stories, which is very nice. Due to recent events, being introspective has taken on a much stranger meaning for me. I feel myself getting tangled up and lost in my memories.

Moments that once seemed trivial suddenly weight the balance. Then I am wondering how I wasted those moments performing that task. Or I wonder why can't that feeling I had once, and taken for granted, return? The Tall Man says I have a a good voice for storytelling and that I am teaching him a whole world he doesn't know. My ramblings of theatre, actually interest someone to the point that they asked me to continue speaking? Yet, I withdrew in my mind feeling conscious of the assault & battery with my mouth.

I come to a moment where I think: Return back to your old ways and freak out over this...this nothing? Or try a different route. I shall take a route that I normally have looked over. I shall not pity myself for making a minor mistake. I will not recede back into the shell.

I am lost in a specific memory: I am 14. I remember visiting my grandparents in Florida. A small retirement village. Stationary motor homes, decorated as if families had lived in them for generations. I never felt so safe. I think of going out on the boat. I remember discovering Starlight Express and Sunset Blvd. For the first time. I remember sitting on the deck and reading Agatha Christie, just sitting for hours and reading. Breathing, letting the non-time pass on. Laying in it. Not thinking about the future, thinking about anything. Taking for granted what it's like to not think. At that time my future didn't matter because I was assured in one thing. That I would be in it.

Destiny and life didn't matter. Once again they were written out already. I just had to go along in my ways and it would all unfold. I remember riding out on that boat, watching the sun and feeling the stillness. Sitting with my Disc man on my lap. Listening to silence. The end would come, but like my life I somehow had skipped out on it. I was going to feel like this forever.

Then I leave the memory and return to now. And I'm overcome. I partially blame it on John Steinbeck. Which may seem absurd but you try going through life changing moments and reading East of Eden. Then tell me how you handle those moments, as you watch the entire history of a family pass through pages. It happens so quickly, but naturally we accept it. We accept the briefness of it all. When the characters skip ages, we allow it because that's how life goes. One moment we're 14 and the next we're 22.

Yet, that's only been 8 years! Hardly a decade yet! Though you, you have the nerve to be introspective? You pretend to think your life means something, not even a decade in. You have no legacy yet. You don't even have real memories yet. You have breezes, you have small drifts that come and go. If you're lost now people will not remember you. They will recall, but they won't feel it. They'll say I recall. Let's face it, even the sound of the two words has a distinctive difference.

So let the time pass, let it flow. I shall wade in it. I shall lap up the time and enjoy those moments of in taking. For it happens as quickly as you inhale, then finishes before the exhale. Then when I am without it, when it's moving to fast. I cannot stop to take a drink. I will go on, knowing it'll happen again.

Now I am drinking, I am guzzling. I have tasted life tinged with something else. And it's caused my mind to shift. It's the calm that has descended from the delirium or the shock. I am the lost tragedian, I've always played the sob song. So well that I begin to feel comfortable in a skin that I shouldn't. I rebelled and not only went the way they advised not to feel, but I preceded to live in it. I am capable of moments of happiness, but I feel that I'm more susceptible of the opposite.

Yet now I have decided to live against it. I have decided to be gracious! To enjoy the life that the world has given me. Which may be moments to late. On whose authority, I ask? Society? The moment I was born society was against me, this is just another battle of a larger war.

My body, that's so used to the sad state is reminding me. That's where this introspection comes from. It's the siren calling the ship back to the island. It's just set sail ladies, let us see where it ends up? Are we agreed? For however far this ship sails, if it's journey proves to be a disaster, the song will sound sweeter when we return.

Picture-A-Day #014

Smoking break at work

My new favorite lady - Not I

Alice Ripley, to know that you've been in my life for years. Yet I chose to ignore you! How, why am I so foolish sometimes? Well, every Broadway lady gets their attention in my life and right now you're in my mind often.

What I would love more is if Alice Ripley performed Not I by Beckett. Not I is probably one of the most difficult monologues I have ever seen performed. It's a monologue that's just a woman's mouth. That's all. Watch the video if you don't believe me. Why I would like Alice to perform this is because her voice is so hypnotizing to me.

What might be better is someone tried to put Not I to music. I know, I know that's probably violating Beckett's idea. And the House of Beckett (which I picture as a small shack that when entered opens up into the abyss) would probably never allow it, since Becket's very precise, but I think it may be fun to put to music. A very dissonant sound would be created and for that I love the idea.

Saturday I am going to aim at trying to see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Then on Sunday we scored cheap seats to August Osage County. Which I'm excited to see, because everyone's been ranting and raving about it since it opened. I sometimes wonder if my opinion is the same of the popular. More than often it seems it's not.

Picture-A-Day #013

For the first time in my life I have pretty wild and un-tamable hair. It's strange.

Some Enchanted Evening

Last night was South Pacific at Lincoln Center. My favorite place in all of Manhattan. I wasn't going to see Candide again this year, but I decided since the New York City Opera is closing next season for renovations I may as well.

The production was South Pacific was stellar. Truly stunning. The sets, costumes and lighting were done in the highest of quality. Especially the Bali Hai number, while Bloody Mary was singing in the seascape backdrop turned purple and slowly an island appeared onto it. Very simple, but very effective to the beauty of the song.

Kelli O' Hara was a formidable Nellie. I loved her, I thought she played the role as it was supposed to be. I mean I know why Mary Martin rocked the role. Paulo Szot's Emile was very good. There's something about that character that is lack luster though. He sings Some Enchanted Evening three times and that's all really. The woman who played Bloody Mary was terrific and she sang her two songs amazingly.

It was funny because the older patrons kept saying that "Nothing compares to the original production!" Well duhhhhhhhhhh! I mean come on! You are seeing what at the time was relevant and poignant. Now it's a history piece. It doesn't have that same draw as it once did. The book is old. It's good, but still old. Granted there is still blatant racism and the song, You Have To Be Taught, stands true through the ages.

Afterwards I spent the night with The Tall Man and he declared we are "Dating" in the simple sentence: You're the first blond I have ever dated. So it wasn't a declaration, but it made me smile. Grant I don't need a declaration to make me realize that yes we are dating. How many times can I say dating or declaration in one paragraph? And not in a historical way.

Picture-A-Day #012

Me leaving The Tall Man's place after seeing South Pacific the night before, but more on that later. Oh and he said we're dating. Which isn't a surprise, but nice to hear spoken aloud. I am seeing him again tomorrow. Happy days. God I feel like Winnie.

Picture-A-Day #011

Do I find it strange I am using Camino Real to take a picture of me on my old phone, checking my voicemail? Why, yes, yes I do.

Where to place my thoughts

I can't figure out where to place my thoughts. Parents came, parents went. It was the quickest visit yet. It was rainy and things were mild and well. Mom announced that I was expected home for Easter. To which I need to figure out. These small things stress me out for some odd reason. To put it simply, I don't wish to go home for Easter.

I am having several childhood memories that I am falling into and wading around in. I've been remembering times that are much calmer and fill me with ease. A particular memory that reminds me of Colored Lights by Kander & Ebb. The memory is of when I was visiting my grandparents in Florida when I was probably 15 or 16. I was reading Agatha Christie's mystery novels. I had just discovered Starlight Express and Sunset Blvd. It was so calm. I was stuck in a retirement area and I loved it. We would ride out on my grandparent's slow-moving boat and I would listen to my CD player. Through my new found interest in Sunset Blvd, I was able to see the movie for the first time with my grandmother's help.

These memories comfort me. So strange. I miss those colored lights.

I've found that recently due to events that I have become terrified to be alone. I don't like it, I find myself seeking out the company of friends. Which is a great because it is not my initial reaction to seek the company in a sexual manner. Yet, I dislike it because I am becoming afraid of silence. I'm afraid to deal with thoughts. I feel selfish that I am allowing myself to let it pass. I have days I want to scream and days I want to cry and days where I want nothing but to laugh. I try most for the laughing nowadays.

Picture-A-Day #009 & 010

This is what my lazy eye looks like when it really acts up. But this is what I really look like:

Picture-A-Day #008

I have to see two shows at my school today! At the same time...