It's now documented in what I look like over 50 days of the year.
Monday, May 5
Thershhold of Revelation
Nothing to important right now. I return to work. The last week of school is next week. I have finals. The play is awful and I've been reading books for leisure and not for school. Did I mention it's finals.
Of course rereading Angels in America has give me hope to continue on with life. Bah, bah, bah. But I suppose that this sums up my new outlook of life perfectly:
And in that thought I almost had a nervous breakdown. Seeing as I didn't that, means soon enough this issue will return.
Of course rereading Angels in America has give me hope to continue on with life. Bah, bah, bah. But I suppose that this sums up my new outlook of life perfectly:
I don't know it it's not braver to die. But I recognize the habit. The addiction of being alive. We love past hope. If I can find hope anywhere, that's it, that's the best I can do. It's so much not enough, so inadequate but...Bless me anyway. I want more life.What does terrify me is what happened last night. As I was lying in bed, actually tired from the previous night. I have a simple, but totally debilitating moment of realization...
This is my life.
And in that thought I almost had a nervous breakdown. Seeing as I didn't that, means soon enough this issue will return.
Sunday, May 4
Picture-A-Day #050
Nothing special today. Just wearing a look of rejection (re: previous entry). Okay, not really.
Sunday Nights
Last night I went out with my two friends from down the street. One being a drag queen whom I love and the other her boyfriend. Whom I also love. They both treat me better than anyone I've met. They also live in a world I absolutely adore, if for nothing more than to observe.
I sometimes think that after school I will try to start working in a club. Not necessarily as a gogo boy, for I fear I don't have the body of that. I think I've make a better bartender, but that takes practice. I don't know, just this whole club family, the cast of characters. Like her, or her, or him, or him, or he, or she, or they, or it. I meet many of them repeatedly, but because I'm not a local. Nor am I outstanding in my look. I never get remembered. Except for this adorable DJ who I can't love because a friend of mine has been telling me about him. Also I've never really had a conversation with him...
Plus not to mention the whole off hours and the debauchery of it all. It's just an amusing notion. I know it'll probably never happen because I'm always more amazed at it all. Watching the people come and go. Watching the people who know what they're doing, do their thing. Yet, having friends in the life makes me happy.
The other bit of news from last night. Aside from the 5 am return home. Was the guy who hit on me, made out with me. While I successfully managed to knock his drink out of his hands. To sum up how the entire interaction went read this Craigslist Post I wish to post:
Existential Mis-connect At 3:30 AM
You were the hot guy in the blazer you said was denim. I was in the tight T-shirt that said "Hello" in a different language.
Just wanted to let you know you are really hot and a good kisser.
I didn't ask for your number because the idea of letting you fuck my face in a dirty bathroom wasn't where I wanted to be at that moment. In a bedroom setting, I'd let you do it anytime. Taking a chance, but email me if it's you.
Saturday, May 3
In Between Shows...
In between shows. Very much like a Beckett play I am sure. Life continues, but nothing really progresses. The first act is like the second, but with minor variations.
I skipped the gym this morning, yes I did. I'm not ashamed of it. Last night at my friend's I was surprised by a visitor that had arrived before me. I just wanted to play the Wii. He was a kid who had talked to me online and through manhunt.net for a while. I am glad I met him in neutral surroundings.
If it's not enough that I have proclaimed myself a purely asexual being for the time being. This boy was gayer than I. He liked to throw out theater quotes for me to pick up, what he didn't realize though was I was throwing them out left and right. I've just learned to make them sound more natural.
Here's where I get vain:
I skipped the gym this morning, yes I did. I'm not ashamed of it. Last night at my friend's I was surprised by a visitor that had arrived before me. I just wanted to play the Wii. He was a kid who had talked to me online and through manhunt.net for a while. I am glad I met him in neutral surroundings.
If it's not enough that I have proclaimed myself a purely asexual being for the time being. This boy was gayer than I. He liked to throw out theater quotes for me to pick up, what he didn't realize though was I was throwing them out left and right. I've just learned to make them sound more natural.
Here's where I get vain:
Ladies and gentlemen. I go to the gym. I am very aware of the good and bad of my body. I know I have nice pecs and a cute face and that I'm muscular and sometimes carry a vague, but sunny disposition on my face.Just like a Beckett play. This time has passed and yet nothing has changed. Only some smaller issues are different.
This boy who has spent months trying to hang out, was well, to put it in a layman term...fat. Now, I know that is awful for me to say. Yet I go to the gym daily, I run miles and miles. I have built up standards that I'd hope, unless I am drunk or high on lethal drugs, that I follow no matter how lonely I feel.
Not saying I would never find a fat person attractive. I am sure I would, it's just not what attracts me to people for purely sexual encounters. Oh this is making me sound awful. But not that I expected this kid to get the clue that I am not into him (which perhaps he did...then again after months of not being into him before we met. I leave it open for surprises) he seems to think that he can win me over. Perhaps it's because that gay men are just that. Men. Sex is sex. It doesn't matter if the people are attracted to each other.
I have been lucky enough (because I am pert and 22 and have that disposition) to never been rejected by anyone from my many encounters with men. At least on one-on-one encounters. I have sometimes felt it happen in group sex situations. Yet, that's a completely difficult party I wish not to address right now. I'm not the sexiest man alive. I just wish that people wouldn't look at me as that sexual object I hate and think with some cunning lines and fancy tricks I will get naked for them. Okay, I'm narcissistic. I'd sooner drown myself in my own reflection that sleep with someone I'm not attracted to just to get off.
Picture-A-Day #049
My hair is doing something today, which I cannot control.
It's so gray this morning. I hurt my leg (pulled a small muscle or something cause it pains) so I skipped the gym. Plus I plan on going out tonight and I got more drunk than I expected last night.
Friday, May 2
Diva Divine: Ann Reinking
We'll pretend it's May 1st because I said I would do this the first of the month from now on. I'm going to just give appreciation to a diva of my choosing in the month. Patti will get her dues, but not for the kickoff. I present to you:
We probably would remember her in this way: Dance and voice. Probably one of my favorite dancer's next to Ms. Morris. She was Bob Fosse's muse (after Verdon) and she spent massive amounts of time making sure his choreography would be remembered.
My favorite role of Ann's would have to be the flop role of her life: Good Time Charley. She played Joan of Arc in a musical that was told from King Charles (Joel Grey) point-of-view. Odd right? I read an old TIME magazine review of it. They said, and I paraphrase:
Ann Reinking
We probably would remember her in this way: Dance and voice. Probably one of my favorite dancer's next to Ms. Morris. She was Bob Fosse's muse (after Verdon) and she spent massive amounts of time making sure his choreography would be remembered.
ProductionsHer credits are many and she is most known for her starring and choreographing the still running revival of Chicago. Some say she copied Gwen Verdon's very own vocal qualities to a T. Be it intentional or not, Ms. Reinking has always had a distinctive croon. Anyone who can kick that high is an okay dame in my book.
Dancin' – 2009
The Look of Love – 2003
Fosse – 1999
Chicago – 1996
Tommy Tune Tonite! – 1992
Dancin' –1978
A Chorus Line –1975
Chicago – 1975
Goodtime Charley – 1975
Over Here! – 1974
Pippin – 1972
Wild and Wonderful – 1971
Coco – 1969
My favorite role of Ann's would have to be the flop role of her life: Good Time Charley. She played Joan of Arc in a musical that was told from King Charles (Joel Grey) point-of-view. Odd right? I read an old TIME magazine review of it. They said, and I paraphrase:Joel Grey was a one trick pony, performing the same song and dance over and over again. However, Ann Reinking was therefore a prizing-winning Clydesdale who strutted around the stage.
I would love to see those legs strut any day!
Thursday, May 1
Picture-A-Day #047
Sometimes I forget the point of this is just a picture a day. Not-try-not-to-look-odd-when-taking a-picture-a-day-day.I Have Found...
I'm at school in between items to accomplish for today. I will be the Voice that tells people to turn off their cell phones in my schools abhorred production of The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Thank God for Angels In America or I'd have gone insane a long time ago.
So upon rereading Angels I have noticed many things that I was blind to when I first read it four years ago. I think they're common issues that many people my age would be blind to upon initially reading it (let alone being 18 when you read it). We're not informed about the history of HIV (as I've said many a time while reading And The Band Played On) and we can't fathom what the appearance of a lesion meant to a gay man in 1985. I couldn't really see why Louis was being so cowardly towards Prior and though I still don't forgive it. Having experienced it firsthand, it's a common human weakness that you need to realize does happen.
Humans who don't suffer enough in life, will give themselves things to suffer through. My example being Prior who has AIDS and Louis who is healthy. Louis makes himself a martyr. Woe is Louis.
This was really the first time masses of openly gay couples were suddenly forced to deal with premature death. Up to that point it was just sex and fun, no one had to deal with the harshness of loss and watching someone you love leave to soon. Does Louis become more of a real character to me than before? Yes. Do I appreciate his choices through the plays? No.
Today is the Day of Silence and Brooklyn College Lesbians are protesting in silence. For a moment, as I crossed their small line of people holding silence saying, "I have been silenced at Brooklyn College" I felt a touch guilty that I wasn't standing there. This moment quickly passed.
Perhaps you have to lose your sensibility to learn that silence doesn't solve anything. Standing there, out of people the crowd's way, in a line will not get attention. I have relayed the stories of how I planned the Day of Silence at my high school many years ago and it was a success. I got 200 people out of 1000 to sign up (a great feat for a school that never openly discussed homos before me). It was after this that I realized: what is the point of being silenced? If you're a homosexual who is being silent to protest the silence homosexuals who aren't out go through, what are you accomplishing? What about a Day of Outcrying?!
Get out, standing in people's way, force them to look. I've learned in these last few months, that the demographic that America cares about least is homosexuals. The history books obviously back my points up. It just seems odd to me. You're not using your voice, okay we already are very aware that homosexuals don't have a voice in society. For 4 years, HIV was in America, most of America was unaware. Why? Homosexuals were the majority. There was no point in talking about it, even if a few normal* heterosexual people got it.
Why am I not planning this alleged Day of Outcrying? I feel lost and confused. It just seems foolish to stand there in silence. I can tell you I never got anything accomplished in life by keeping my mouth shut. I came out to my parents, my school and just about anyone else. Yelling and screaming, being true to myself.
Wow I feel so pseudo political and thoughtful right now. It probably comes off stupid, but I feel as if I did some thinking in between these items. Now I need a cigarette. Perhaps I'll smoke next to the Protesters.
* Normal meaning, not drug users or babies or Haitians or any other ethnic minority that was afflicted at the time.
Oh wait, I retract that statement.
So upon rereading Angels I have noticed many things that I was blind to when I first read it four years ago. I think they're common issues that many people my age would be blind to upon initially reading it (let alone being 18 when you read it). We're not informed about the history of HIV (as I've said many a time while reading And The Band Played On) and we can't fathom what the appearance of a lesion meant to a gay man in 1985. I couldn't really see why Louis was being so cowardly towards Prior and though I still don't forgive it. Having experienced it firsthand, it's a common human weakness that you need to realize does happen.
Humans who don't suffer enough in life, will give themselves things to suffer through. My example being Prior who has AIDS and Louis who is healthy. Louis makes himself a martyr. Woe is Louis.
I'm displacing my frustration, I know this.
This was really the first time masses of openly gay couples were suddenly forced to deal with premature death. Up to that point it was just sex and fun, no one had to deal with the harshness of loss and watching someone you love leave to soon. Does Louis become more of a real character to me than before? Yes. Do I appreciate his choices through the plays? No.
Then there's Joe. Knowing what I do about Tony Kushner. The 1980s. The Regan Administration. I can hypothesize why Joe is the only character who is not fully forgiven for his actions. He represents everything Kushner found wrong about that era. Sure he's gay now, he's come to terms with his sexuality. As a gay male I should celebrate that, but he goes about it all the wrong way. In realizing this he refuses to see the faults America holds for this life he's entering into. He wants to feel the primal feelings of love and sex, but not come to face the fact that there is more he needs to face than just realizing you're gay.
He abandons his wife and really doesn't wish to ever see her again. He chooses to ignore that issue. He wants Louis to love him, despite Louis's leaving his lover of four years dying. He doesn't want to face that issue. He chooses to believe that America is still the same wholesome place that it's always been. That it's not covered with disease and poverty and corrupt behaviors. For these decisions in Kushner's opinion he cannot be forgiven. Louis can be forgiven because he suffers and stands up for his ideals. Joe never tries to stand up for anything, therefore he gets swallowed up through his ignorance.
But that's just my rereading of the play(s).
Today is the Day of Silence and Brooklyn College Lesbians are protesting in silence. For a moment, as I crossed their small line of people holding silence saying, "I have been silenced at Brooklyn College" I felt a touch guilty that I wasn't standing there. This moment quickly passed.
Perhaps you have to lose your sensibility to learn that silence doesn't solve anything. Standing there, out of people the crowd's way, in a line will not get attention. I have relayed the stories of how I planned the Day of Silence at my high school many years ago and it was a success. I got 200 people out of 1000 to sign up (a great feat for a school that never openly discussed homos before me). It was after this that I realized: what is the point of being silenced? If you're a homosexual who is being silent to protest the silence homosexuals who aren't out go through, what are you accomplishing? What about a Day of Outcrying?!
Get out, standing in people's way, force them to look. I've learned in these last few months, that the demographic that America cares about least is homosexuals. The history books obviously back my points up. It just seems odd to me. You're not using your voice, okay we already are very aware that homosexuals don't have a voice in society. For 4 years, HIV was in America, most of America was unaware. Why? Homosexuals were the majority. There was no point in talking about it, even if a few normal* heterosexual people got it.
Why am I not planning this alleged Day of Outcrying? I feel lost and confused. It just seems foolish to stand there in silence. I can tell you I never got anything accomplished in life by keeping my mouth shut. I came out to my parents, my school and just about anyone else. Yelling and screaming, being true to myself.
Wow I feel so pseudo political and thoughtful right now. It probably comes off stupid, but I feel as if I did some thinking in between these items. Now I need a cigarette. Perhaps I'll smoke next to the Protesters.
* Normal meaning, not drug users or babies or Haitians or any other ethnic minority that was afflicted at the time.
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