It's The Economy

This was posted as a response on QueeClick — The Porn Blog. This was commenting on the newest Corbin Fisher Photoshoot/Movie:

daddytreat on October 10, 2008 11:51 PM

My 401(k) is near zero and I am depressed. This was just the thing to cheer me up. Wooooooo . . .

The economy is truly affecting us all.

Ambien

My doctor didn't give me anti-anxiety pills because, "The world is going mad. It's not you."

Touche, this is true doctor. Then Cesar, my blood technician gave me a pep talk on life. Telling me to live my life and not to let this disease get me down. How did I fall into this Lifetime movie and who do I have to blow to stay here?

I am giving the world karma and taking back it in equal thrusts! I am trying my best. I want a job, I can get a job and I will try. Soon I'll be graduated from college. I'm cooking eggs! These are all steps in some direction.

I have news and I want you to all gather around. I have finally taken that leap and signed up for a support group. This is a big step in a good direction! Am I at a point where I want to get to know myself better? To reenter the Gay Race, with people who are in the same boat? It's terrifying.

It's starts sometime in January and that means it'll have been almost a year when I start this group. The group is for the Newly Diagnosed. It's a three month long group and you have to go to an intake session beforehand. Where they ask you a bunch of personal questions so they know what kind of person is joining. I plan on being as honest as I can be.

I signed up and wondered if it's been almost a year, am I still considered newly diagnosed? Will I be with a bunch of people who just found out? Were people that in control when they first found out? How is that possible? They just knew they wanted help?

It's all so odd, I begin to feel guilty for not acting sooner. Like why didn't my "flight" sense go off and I drop everything and seek help when I first had my breakdown. When The Tall Man dropped me?

Nerves would be one reason. I was (still am) a mess, I was scared and depressed. Another reason would be time. I was working and going to class and I found those two tasks tiring enough. The idea of entering a new comfort zone was non-existent. I had no comfort zones at that time.

Which is a reason I want to join it. I want to learn to trust again. I want to know that I can feel normal in my own skin. That I can feel normal with people like me. I want to know what other people are going through.

Oh, my head is so light just from thinking of this. I get nervous that January won't come fast enough. They gave me numbers to other places like GMHC and Greenwich House. And I need to wait for the play to finish before I can think of calling. Making this appointment was probably calculated because it gives me time to back out! But I won't! Someone, Mark my words.

I hope by that time I will have some sort of job. So life won't be that dismal. One step at a time, it's a long and slippery ride. These little steps have only helped me realize how far I am coming and how well I have it together.

The last point of news for the night is I realized that since 2004 I have continually been keeping a blog of my life in New York City. I have begun archiving them. Call it vanity, but I recently have sat down and thought, "I don't remember certain memories. It seems so blurry. Maybe it's how quickly it's moving. Or perhaps it's the drugs? Or it could be that I am choosing to forget!"

I can't deny it anymore. Counting my old blog before this one. Starting on July 12th 2004 (before I moved) have been constantly keeping a log of my life. Emotionally, not for show like blogs nowadays. That pretend they are about the human experience. Instead they are about the latest Mac Product being release. How can you look back at that and feel like your life was at all interesting?

It'll be scary to remember, to relive and to reread these entries in sequence. I will see the ups and I will see the downs. Perhaps I'll remember what I was really thinking when I wrote this. What substance was I abusing when I seems so blatantly upbeat here? Was I really happy, or just projection an image I wanted the inter web to perceive.

It's going to be a long journey, but I intend on taking it in stride. It can't ruin anything that's not already ruined. Don't you agree?

You Are My Friend — Patti LaBelle

This is how I feel right now. If I were a black woman, or Dorian Corey, I would sing this proudly.



Black Ladies Sing So Powerfully!

An Epilogue to the GC

The title is all. This was a good day, not how I expected it to turn out and that's all I can really say.

This Makes Me Sad... WARNING: The Link is NWS

You are in my thoughts today Mason Wyler. No one deserves this. NO ONE.

And all I wanted to do was jerk off.

Making A Egg. In HD.

That's a lie, or else you'd see my acne and horrible burn scars.

I made an egg and I needed to remember the moment.



On top of that. I realized that next semester I indeed will be graduating. Which is such a terrifying feeling indeed.

Also, I was very honest last night with a friend online about my past. And it was very strange to open up like that.

Oh and, if you like my egg. I do birthday's and weddings.

A New York City Day — A True Story

There are days when you wake up, you walk out your door and you see the rabbit hole. You think, "I shouldn't go in there." But your Alice Intuition tells you to and you've always liked Alice better than logical sense.

Yesterday was truly a New York City Day. Unfortunately, those of you who don't live here can't understand what a New York City Day is. It's a day where you do so much that, explaining it to others who don't live here, seems wasteful. It always make for a fun story though!

They can't comprehend what it's like to arrive at a Drag Queen's apartment at 10:30 AM, with her Majesty already in full drag. You hop in a cab and drive up to Central Park with her while she looks at you in her regal way and says, "Your job today is to make me laugh...for 6 hours...That's all I ask of you."

You climb up a subtle incline in the park at noon. A Drag Queen with green tresses in a fake fur coat, her personal assistant and you. She walks the path as if she's Mother Teresa on the streets of Calcutta. Giving rice to the hungry, while she breathes, "Oh, Veronica! It's a wonderful day to be out in the world!"

You stop and think. What? How did I get here? It's fun, yes! But it doesn't seem right! This isn't a day anyone else has. What is amazing is how natural the events occur. How could it possibly get any stranger?! Maybe it can't--

As you near the top of the incline you see a small gathering of people. You have just arrived at your destination! The Poly-amorous Pride Event! "Oh, what a dump!" Her of the Royal Blood says. "And of course they asked me to host! There's no one here! At least they have a stage. When I hosted last year it was a soap box and some crate paper!"



A celebration of strange people: People who love to love! The strangest collection of Misfit Toys you will ever meet. There were threesome couples, foursome couples, married couples with lovers who were aware of each other. Babies?! Were the babies Poly-amorous?? Poly-Amorous Dogs! Needless to say, it didn't surprise me when I found out everyone here only spoke in Rhyme & Riddle.


Yet, I feel so calm here. I knew it was a world I don't care for, but why not? These people believe a Drag Queens can save your soul and so do I! When asked if she was a Monogamist (the opposite of Poly-Amorous), the picture of Regal Glory responded:

Why let me think? I'm a Mon--Moh--Mah-- Yes! I am a mahoganist! I have a deep love for mahogany furniture that cannot be contained.

I fell to the ground in Rapture! It was a strange day indeed! I watched and joked, while she ruled over the crowd. Then when not in front of her loyal people she questioned their beliefs?

I don't get this whole thing? You either need to have no ego or one of them has to have ALL ego and control the others. Can't we just return to the days where we cheat and never tell our loved one? The rules were you fuck around, don't make it a regular habit, and never do it in the bed. You can fuck on the floor next to the bed. Don't break those rules and everyone will be happy?

Her logic made some sense. I know my ego is to big to be dating more than one person at the same time. Also, if this was the largest group of PPP (Proud Poly-Amorous People) they could find, then the dating pool was a little shallow.

Then there was my Wonderland-esque Poly-Amorous Job! I was to pass a card. I was here to pass a card from my left to the right! It was hysterical, but it felt so much better to be doing this job than working in a cubicle all day!

Alas, the theme of the day was nothing is to unusual. As the day continued I eventually had to leave her Royal Highness's presence seeing as I was needed at a event more usual event.


Now this part you cannot truly believe unless you see it. Describing it is almost impossible. I have never been to a show that is such an experience as this. It was like living a weird dream. Observe:

A Very Special Day

Two nights ago. For the first time ever, I made dinner. Now before you feign shock and awe understand a few things. I'm a boy and my mother always made dinner. I brown bagged my lunches while growing up. Breakfast has always been a cereal bar or something quick.

I went to college and lived in a dorm without a kitchen for two years. Then the next two years was filled with constant jumping around from weird apartment to weird apartment. I was also working from 2-10 most nights and therefore usually ordered dinner.

So two nights ago was the first time I bought chicken and marinated it and then grilled it. Seeing as it's 48 hours later and I'm not dead. I suppose I made it well and the chicken tasted pretty good. I made instant rice, because I'm impatient and don't like to boil it.

It's fun. I am marking off all these little things from my "To-Do" Life List! This morning Elizabeth taught me how to make eggs over easy. That may be my small thing I do tonight.

I'm so domestic. I vacuum too!

The Sunset Gang: Crazies on Parade

I need to archive these. They will make excellent gems someday when I'm older and wiser and a little more calm. Basically when the Xanax arrives. I am all about preservation. Someday it'll be fun to remember and this will make it easier.

Goodbye Friend...

It's a Dark Day