At The Bar Tonight . . .

It's past 4 AM. That's fine. I am tired, but full of life.

I saw Harring tonight with a new guy. We ignored each other, but I could feel him look at me, as I looked at him. I held my own and was graceful. There was a moment when my heartbeat increased drastically. I was nervous, but I calmed down as other people began to hit on me.

I know that it was his problem and my friend told him, "I'm not speaking to you." When he tried to start up a conversation with him. I was happy he said that, people care about me and my feelings.

I am on good terms again with the Hot Dumpling. Which is terrific. It's all healed and complete, hurrah, hurrah, hurray. Tomorrow I will be fine because I know I am attractive, but single because I don't have the time. I didn't feel jealousy and though I felt nervous at one point. I was strong and forceful. I felt good-looking and desirable. That's good enough for now.

Ending the Night With Something . . .

It was a trying day. I had to work on maintaining a positive demeanor. I did it though, I think I lost myself for a minute, but of an 9 hour day, that's pretty good.

I got a haircut for free. Of that, I am grateful. I played Wardrobe Supervisor pretty well. I started to enjoy myself a little. Oh to be paid for these experiences, it'll be Ecstasy!

My roommate got a gig in Florida. I need a temporary roommate to take her place for April and May. This won't be bad, but it's a little stressful. I'm totally proud of her for getting a job and to get to go to Florida, I envy that. I will be here, and someone must fill that bedroom.

Tomorrow I get my blood taken. Those 7-10 vials are always an unexplainable feeling. It's weird to not have that worried week after. Where you wonder if you find out the results. What will you do? No there is no worry about that. Now it becomes a fun game of numbers. What is up and what is down.

My numbers have been steady, my doctor doesn't make a big fuss about anything. I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not. In a way I want to know. I know many people who have their numbers memorized from test to test.

I just know that I will hopefully be healthier. I wonder. Let it be known, they have been pretty good to date. Famous last words.

Saturday is Valentine's Day. I don't know how I feel about this. I just don't know. I won't have a Valentine, I may go see Coraline with my friends. That sounds like a stellar day indeed! Who knows. These days anything is possible.

Another Day On Set

Expecting people to give their free time for 12+ Hours is somewhat ridiculous to me. Despite that, I will be on set from approximately 2PM to 1AM. Oh phew, they just got under 12 hours. I'm grateful.

I'm swallowing my pride, annoyance and anger. I am going to be calm. There are lots of other people at their wits end. I am annoyed by my tongue and how sharp it's become. This month has turned me into a stressed out monster. We're going to be better, starting right now.

Last night I went on a non-date with a guy from Group. We rode throughout Brooklyn on a Vespa. He spent the night on my couch. We both are good at following rules. Another Hot Dumpling, which is funny that I'd run into two in such short time.

The Vespa ride was the best part of the night. The dinner, his company and the live music were all terrific too, but to ride around this city. The air, night and city passing by. Having a conversation with someone, while you cling for dear life. I was terrified but invigorated.

Then when the rain came, how funny. It wasn't a sexually charged date, just two people enjoying life. It was pleasant and it got tricky as the night moved on. He spent the night, on my couch. Which makes me laugh and I appreciate that he had that strength. In my state, I don't think I'd have that willpower.

It's what we're working on right now. You need to gain back those morals.

Oh, I'd write more, but that damned movie calls. Calm, calm, calm. I shall be calm and graceful. Bringing books and homework to look at in the downtime, I'll probably end up on set for shoots, but I can switch off with someone.

Grant me the strength . . .

A Long Weekend

I have no class on Thursday through Monday. I will be doing nothing, except working on this movie. Celebrating Valentine's day alone [or not, yet to be determined]. I'll be riding on a Vespa tonight. Across the Brooklyn Bridge, hopefully. This is a non-date. I am caging that animal inside.

A Letter to My Father. Which He Never Shall Read.

Dear Dad,

We have not been close. I don't think either of us can deny that fact. You had my brother and mom had me. That was the deal, right? For some reason I developed an intense fear of you. You terrified me, you were the man who represented everything I could never be. These issues seem so cliche! Yet, I suppose in the way my life is turning out, cliches are something I do best.

In youm, I saw my opposite, but perhaps this is how it was supposed to be. For if these developments, these fears had never happened. I would never have discovered what I did tonight.

I am emotionally damaged right now. When I speak to you, I can tell you know this too. It confuses you. You also have a tired sound and it amazes me that you can do these things in such a constant state of weariness. The father I have resisted my whole life finally broke through tonight. You broke the shell at Christmas and it caught me off guard. Tonight I was a little more prepared.

I thank you for just laying out the facts. You also reprimanded me for yelling at Mother in the subtlest way possible. I was blind sighted by this and I have to say: Good technique. I feel like a wild tiger that has finally be tamed. [Okay, that's a creepy metaphor. I'm just saying that you totally impressed me tonight.]

I fully understand that you are my father and I beg for forgiveness for my lack of respect. You treated me like an equal tonight. You spoke to me like a human being. I thank you once again.

As for the issues with Mother. They were resolved and her place in my story is not yet determined. I fear where it could go, I know the power I have over her. I also know that I get many negative traits from her. Spiteful words and erratic emotions. She was a mess after I hung up the phone, I knew this and felt it in my soul. I will always be the first to apologize because she is the Matriarch and without her I would not be alive.

I am trying to change and I know you only know 1/3 of the entire story. I put these cracks in the foundation because I have been filled with so much curiosity. I feel that I have begun my life. Unfortunately for our family, it will be known as the son who never came back. Maybe someday I will tell you and we shall see the results of that. Until then, let's just enjoy what we both know tonight.

Your Son,
E.Iguana

Who Is At Fault?; A Study in Stubbornness

Who Is At Fault; Or A Study in Stubbornness

(IGUANA and MOM are talking on the phone. IGUANA is doing things around campus, while MOM is sitting in the kitchen. They are about five minutes into a conversation.)

MOM: How is work going?

IGUANA: I need to talk with dad. I don't want to talk about jobs and money with you anymore.

MOM: Okay? Why not?

IGUANA: Listen, I really don't want to get into it. I just know that it's not going to help matters.

MOM: Oh, really. . .

IGUANA: I know if I talk about this, you'll get mad. So there's no point, I just have come to this decision that I need to talk to dad about it and not you. I will tell you when I have a job and if I have money. . .

MOM: Oh. Well. Then. I'm gonna go and pick up your brother. . .

IGUANA: Oh, don't do that. I just know--

MOM: Why won't you talk to me about your job then!?

IGUANA: Listen, you think back to what you said last week. I was insulted . . .

MOM: You told me what I should be doing with me life. You think that's fair? You told me what I should be doing with my money! What about a "Thank you" for all the things we've done for you up to this point?

IGUANA: I appreciate it, and I know I will forever be bound to you for these things. I said you should sell your car. As a jok--

MOM: Do you think that's fair? You told me what I should do. If you wanna talk about rude. . .

IGUANA: Listen, I know. That's why I am not talking about these things with you. I said something and you responded and that response took me by surprise. I have made my decisions on what to talk and not talk about with you. I will talk to dad about money and job issues from now on.

MOM: Well, that's fine! I have news for you. Every money issue discussed in this house goes through me. So anything you tell your father. I will know!

Now I'd like to take a moment in this scene to stop and take a breath. I will admit, the next part is my fault.

IGUANA: That is terrific. I am still going to talk to him. I know that I am no longer going to rely on you for support. I don't want to anymore. I just feel like you haven't been respecting--

MOM: Oh. Okay. You need to--

IGUANA: (Shouting) Oh. Okay. Just downplay my emotions some more! I will TALK TO YOU LATER! (Hangs up phone.)

Seriously, what kind of ending line is that?

It Truly Is The Cruelest Month

It's February, it slipped up on me. There's too many hidden memories that can slip up on me this month. Oh, it's a tricky month!

I was set off this evening when the costume designer asked me why I was in a fragile state of mind? When I was telling him about the Harring Letter. He did it in front of a few people I did not know. It put me in a state. Also, the fact that he is a Hot Dumpling and therefore lacks certain emotions.

My emotions are my own. I am the only one who owns them and if they are a little crazy. That is my business. I would love medication of some sort. The moment I get a job I think I am going to work toward this. The movie business is a touch ridiculous, people working for long hours and not getting paid. I feel it's only a matter of time before someone cracks.

This is how I am going to envision my life progressing for the next 3.5 months. I will look for a job and find one. I will start to make money and save money. To which I will eventually graduate college. That's all I care for right now, it's a time to prove myself. I've been bothered since on Feb 1st, my mother said: Iguana, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my life to support yours.

Then perhaps you should not have had children. Moving home will never happen. It's not even an option I am allowing into my life.

I ask here and now [as I doomed my fate with Harring by declaring him just a third character in my Tall Man Epilogue] that the universe allow me to uphold all these requests. Give me diligence and energy to find a job and stay living in the city. Give me strength and reason to be happy daily, for I need to remember to love myself. It's time to prove oneself and right now there is so much uncertainty to the future. I ask to rise above it and live my life to it's fullest. I may have shown an excess of emotion in the last week or so, and I am willing to accept the negative energy. This is who I am and this is the only way I know how to react. I want to get better. I truly do.

This is my request to the universe.

Yes, I Did Send It . . .

Here is my FUCKING closure. I know this makes me a fucking awful person. I hate that I can write something like this and send it to a person. I did and I somewhat regret it. I just don't think it's necessarily fair to tell someone things like, "I can't wait to return and help you feel happy again." Then go onto ignoring me and acting as if I didn't even exist.

Harring,

If respecting my "fragile state of mind" means ignoring me completely, then I guess you are going to be that way. I wish you luck in your life and hope you success someday in ever validating your feelings with another person. I don't know what happened and probably never will, nor do I necessarily care.

I just know that I don't care enough if someone is going to just pretend that they are interested in me, but then proceed to ignore me. I will forever associate you with this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX-bIr8dr6U

Good luck and if I ever do see you out in public. Don't be surprised if I treat you with the same disdain you did with me.

Love,
E.Iguana

P.S. Your "films" need major work.

If You Should. . .

An Unorthodox Haiku:

If you should see me
In the street white with snowfall
Please give me love.

For I need it so.

You Had To Wipe Me Off The Walls

Tonight at the Super Bowl Party (my first, believe it or not). I had two hot gay guys offer to Double Penetrate me sometime if I wanted. It was mild joking, but considering the turnout of this week and where it's ended up. I almost imploded from the sexual frustration I've been feeling these days. I was shaking at one point.

Breath, breath, breath.

The kicker is the one guy lives a block away.

I know what I'm going to bring up in the Support Group tomorrow.