Picture-A-Day #046

I'm rereading Angels in America. Oh goodness.

Please Donate...

I'm almost at my goal and I'd really appreciate anything you can do to help me. So please donate. I ask again please DONATE. Help Judy and I get to our goal!

Picture-A-Day #045

Remember the time I was happy? I don't. I am not as upset as I look in this photo and I love the colors that got captured in it. Oh and for rehearsals for my show I've taken up smoking again. Just because there's nothing to do a lot of the time. I'll quit when it's over.

Insomia day: 233

wanna know whats not fun about insomnia? everything.

China Forgotten

I had a moment this morning as I couldn't remember my trip to China at all. How odd, I had to take a moment to remind myself. Was it subsequent events or was that it went so quickly. How could I forget something like that. The memories are all there, I've just seemed to misplaced them. Adding onto that I ran into a kid I went to China with. The thing is I didn't speak to him more than two sentences on the trip. Call me bitchy, but why are you suddenly alert to how I am? I know it was a life changing trip, but we didn't talk in China. Why talk in Brooklyn? Why am I such an asshole?

Then there was the walk to the subway the other night. I was talking to meet my friends for our New Orleans Reunion. As I walked to the R Train I was hit by how strange life is at times. That from November through March I was so content and happy because of The Tall Man. So comfortable in everything. Then I realized it wasn't just that it was my trip to New Orleans and China as well that came then.

In the moment, I saw, as only someone with my powers can see. That to remember China and New Orleans will to forever remember The Tall Man. There can't be happiness without regret and sadness? I can't possibly ignore one without ignoring the other. To forget two wonderful trips just to forget hurt. Or to remember happy moments and always remember the false hopes that were held during that time.

Aw, fuck.

Picture-A-Day #044

I'm going to be purchasing a MacBook very soon. Which means I'll be able to make Podcasts. Which means that Broadway Banter with E.Iguana will be arriving very soon. I think this all will happen. Watch out world. Oh and is it true that all MacBooks come with webcams?

Oh and I look like a bug today.

Beyond Therapy

The New Orleans reunion was a hoot. Except for the one part. That part where you're 3 hurricane's in and your friends point out that of the four of you. Three have had terrific dates this weekend.

Yet, due to these three hurricanes that are in your system. You feel like bursting into tears, which is absurd. It's my emotional state. I am happy for all my friends having good dates. Here are pictures taken from Jeff's blog. Just so you know I did have a good time:

Oh and I suppose life's balancing out for my lack of dating, was to let me see William Finn in person...which was grand.

Picture-A-Day #043

We're having a New Orleans friend's reunion tonight at ACME Restaurant. I couldn't not go! Regardless that I see these friends often as it is.

A Trip...

I must admit his Patti is more a mix of May West, La LuPone and Angela all rolled into one giant mess. Yet he helps me laugh while I can't sleep.

Picture-A-Day #042

Trying for Depth

I'm gonna try and be deep right now. Well as deep as I can be, which I'm sure is like a small koi pond. I suppose I'll start this post with a poem, as I am sure all deep thinkers do. They begin their thoughts with an opening act:

Oh, Oh, You Will Be
Sorry for that Choice—Redux
By E.Iguana

Oh, oh, you will be sorry for that choice!
Take a moment to fathom what went wrong.
Was it my mouth or my movements that,
Offended you firsthand?
"Oh but I still wish to remain friends!"
Seriously,is that the game you wish to play?
Trying to become the better man,
And I'm supposed to sit here and smile because
You wish to preserve a friendship!
Oh, I will love you still, and all of that,
I will be your pal; granting this wish you request.
I shall be called a close friend and,
Will live up to the title to the nth degree;
You will not see any jealousy of me,
Because I am playing the role a trusty comrade does.
But some insane day, your life has turned
Upside down and inside out.
I shall be waiting and with open arms,
And with my comfort, I shall feel vindicated!

So that's me being angstyish and deep. My Koi pond has pebbles. So onto real issues...

The technical rehearsal for my play didn't take long and wasn't half as painful as I expected. That's because they gave me stuff to do on the light board. Which was an amazing experience! I love wardrobe, yet it was nice to actually be part of the show. "Cue 2...go!" How thrilling to feel that surge through my body as I pushed the button and saw the lights change. And since I like pushing buttons, I was as happy as a monkey.

Then thoughts have been coming and going through my head. I was thinking of meeting up with The Gentleman Caller. Now I'm not one for the dramatics. My life is very boring, I just make it exciting. When I think about this impending meeting I am filled with frustration and anger I know I may do something ridiculous. In my mind I want to slap him, and I am convinced I will feel justified. Someone said, "You won't really do it." Which I agree 95% of the time people don't feel that passionate.

Yet, I think about these discussion items I want to bring up: How dare you pretend we haven't not spoken in 6 months and want to pick up where you left off! How dare you play these mind games with a 22-year-old and never hone up to the responsibilities being the mature 30-year-old that you are! How dare you lead me on for over a year and never wish to bring it out into the open and when I finally was honest with you, you play it off as nothing! Add in how he has a personality disorder and then make him pay for dinner.

I'm not looking to make another friend. The way you treated me shows that you aren't really looking for a friend either.

Wow, typing that out has left me breathless.

The new issue is of my person. I'm trying to figure out what I want, who I am and who I want to become. This all in all is a very trying business on one's emotions. So for the time being I've sworn off sexual encounters with men. This may not seem like the wrong choice, but I'm afraid that I will eventually fear sex. The whole idea that -- I will either separate or give to much liberty to the Romantic Era that seems to have taken refuge in my body. Plus to learn who you are, I do believe that you need human contact in the naked sense. It's how to learn about yourself. So that's what I need to figure out.

So I think that's enough deep thoughts for now. I don't want to O.D.

Beginning of the rest of my week

How wonderful of my school to start rehearsals for Two Gentlemen of Verona before spring break is complete. So instead of having a weekend I get tech rehearsals. It's two days of annoyance and me being stoned. That's all I've been able to figure out. No amount of pot can cancel this one out. Okay, Alice take your stance and entertain me.

I have to go in about and hour or so, which isn't thrilling me. I am not going to stay for the whole dry run. I don't give a shit about this one folks. I'll be watching the show for day after day and I like when things are new to me. Plus, I like the musical better.

I swear, Liza Minnelli has done three final verses of City Lights from The Act. She keeps stopping and adding another chorus. Yet, this is why she won the Tony in 1971 isn't it?

In other news. I spent the last 48 hours being the laziest person in the entire world. I enjoyed it. I could only bring myself to playing FFXII for hour at a time. Perhaps I'll play it tonight while I skip the dry run. We shall cross that bridge when we get to it?

Honestly, what is Liza singing now? She's just wailing about needing him. Which is funny because if I could swear, there are no other characters but Liza in The Act. Oh and her backup dancers.

My friend called me out today telling me I write my blog, the same way Tennessee Williams wrote his Memoirs. Well isn't that the nicest compliment in the world. What's funny is I must've just unintentionally done it, because, well, I wasn't aware. Let's face it, I practically infused the man's soul to mine. Of course we'll have some things in common.

Picture-A-Day #041

Notice the new nose guards.

A Sunny Day in Brooklyn and Museum Visit

I took a walk to the Brooklyn Museum to see the MURAKAMI Exhibit. I also stopped by the Judy Chicago The Dinner Party too. I loved how Emily Dickinson's Vaginal Plate had Doilies on it. It fit because on Sunday I saw Top Girls.
















This is my neighbor. Brooklyn I <3>

It happens so quickly...

In a matter of a moment the plans of my summer have been decided and changed so quickly.

I got the internship! I'm interning at playbill.com. This means no summer classes and a reduced pay cut. Yet, it means experience and resume building. So in the end it'll be worth it. That's what I'm telling myself.

It was odd cause the geeky guy who interviewed me was like, "Do you want a few days?" And naturally when someone offers me that I think, "Sure...I'm introspective, of course I'd like a few days..." So I tell him yes, then suddenly he's like, "Well, just so you know we've called everyone else back and told them they didn't get it..." To which I reply, "Sure I'll take it!"

Why offer it if you don't want me to do it? So I take it. I'm excited because it gets me out of this job that's been ruling my life for the last two years. It also makes life a little more new and fresh. It will probably be boring, it will probably not seem like it's worth it. Yet, why not? I need the experience. Besides, life owes me big time so perhaps this is it beginning to pay up.

For the first time in years I'll have a normal 9-5 job. I'll get off while it's still sunny out. I'll be able to enjoy my summer! Not like last year, which was work and sleep, work and sleep.

I get nervous that they'll call and tell me they made a mistake. And I just canceled the summer classes I can't take. Yet, that's not major loss, I'll take them during the winter break. It will somehow get done. It has to get done.

That's my problem: I regret, but this is how life works. Let it take you where you go and see what happens.

New Look – Blogger's Way

You'll notice we have a new face on the Blogger side of my Blog. For those of you read in Livejournal are going to be sorely disappointed for all your missing. But if you wish to see what you're missing just click here to see it.

Elite Controller

Hi, I seemed to have misplaced my viral load. Have you seen it?

My doctor informs me that I may be an Elite Controller. I'm Typhoid Mary. How utterly surreal. It truly is the Mark of Cain. I know I should be ecstatic that I'm healthy. The healthy I could ever be. Granted in a year or so I could be proven totally wrong. As of right now though I'm just living with it in my body.

Still something I need to inform people about, still something people will judge me by. Still something that will cause people to feel sorry for me and cry when they think of my death.

The best part to come yet is I may be studied. My doctor is going to call the Aaron Diamond Hospital or something. I would've settled for internship news instead, but I guess this will do for now?

Guys Don't Make Passes At Girls Who Wear Glasses – Marilyn Monroe

My glasses just broke! Albeit I can see fine without them, those of you who wear spectacles probably know the feeling. When you're cleaning them and they just break. Or you run into a wall face first and they just...break again!

It's like losing a child in a sudden car accident. You know that child you have that you let play in the road. It's okay we live in a small neighborhood, the cars always drive slow. Jimmy can play in the street, besides we we're almost a dead end!

Then one day, Jimmy is dead. You saw it coming, but you didn't expect it to happen. So deep down you're to blame. Now your son is dead, you can't see through the tears and you have to worry what they neighbors will think.

That's how it feels when your glasses break. Luckily this break isn't to bad, just a small mishap. I only have a lazy eye so my eye will be wandering all day and I'll have to remind it to stay on track.

(Guess which one's lazy. This is one of my lazy eye faces I make when I'm not wearing my glasses, they are natural I swear!)

Picture-A-Day #040

I love when my hair does this and there is NO product involved either :) I love how this is such a study in vanity.

Just One Snip

Everyday I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to severing the ties that bind me to my insane emotions.

I could swear that this weekend I was walking down the block and something in my mind clicked and I suddenly realized what it was that made sex between men so superficial. If I reflected on these thoughts for longer I could figure out the subtle link that would control my sexuality. I would become an utterly attractive and compelling human being who never felt lonely and appreciated all he had going for himself. I would be motivated and unstoppable. Sex would be a thing of the past.

But I was stoned and my skull ached, so I forgot what that thought was...It'll come again I'm sure and when it does I'll write it down.

Picture-A-Day #039

Someday's I can't stand my chipmunk cheeks and my round head. In the end I live with them because as Margaret Cho once asked, "Why kind of crunches do I have to do?"

Sunday in my Mind

It's Sunday, I'm feeling much healthier this morning. My night sweats are proving legendary. I wake up halfway through the night and feel the coolness on my next and body. This is another new sensation I have never felt before. There are no hurried dreams to accompany these sweats. No nightmarish images in my mind when I wake. I simply wake because I am chilled by my own expulsion of fluids.

Upon feeling better this morning. Fire Island was an even more terrific experience (notice I don't say play) than I gave it credit for last night. And while we're on the subject, lets discuss Glory Days the musical written by two 23-year-olds about four 20-year olds!

I'll be the first to admit this twisting I feel in my body is caused by jealousy. That these two guys are really cool and nice in person. That the show just comes off as an awful idea in theory. All these probably true notions aside...

I think this show sounds utterly awful, literally. I just finished listening to some of the songs on myspace and my eardrums ruptured. I also find the mounting of this show incredibly arrogant. My one friend pointed out someone is blowing someone in this little deal.

The fact that this kid believes that his freshman year of college was so life changing and these four friends reunite and learn they're ALL not the same person. Even if it's based on "true events" the storyline points out so many inconsistencies and annoyances. For example, if these four friends were really good friends...were they not E-MAILING each other. These events happened four years ago, there was the internet. Sure you couldn't relay the whole emotional event through IM, but you could say, "Just came out...totally a fag now! Just a heads up so when summer comes it won't be weird."

Another friend of mine put it best when he said, "Everyone feels that in their freshman year of college, but no one WRITES about it." But these two guys did. These two guys did.

Unless between the four of these guys combined they come back from college and all of the following has happened:

One is a homosexual, drug addicted, tranny, escort, homeless, HIV positive, has a dead wife and kids who are hunting him out, dropped out of college, rejoined but under the seminary and has a scat fetish he imposes on the others.

Unless that happens, I will not be emotional moved in the least. However, if that has happened. Then I will eat crow.

Lastly, and this is a hoot for all three of you who've been with me for a while...

The Gentleman Caller has contacted me!

I'll admit it was partially of my doing. I sent out a mass email to all those who STILL HAVEN'T DONATED to the AIDSwalk. I basically addressed it to everyone in my address book.

He served:

I hope you have been doing well these last several months. I don't read your blog anymore but I see you online and your gmail "status" is always interesting (China, etc...). I have been doing pretty well. I got a job back at my old firm, _______, in research and started on March 31st. There's a lot to learn but I needed a challenge again.

Funny enough, I received a notice for "gift renewal" from The New Yorker for your subscription, which reminded me how you've been in your apartment for nearly a year now, which is just crazy. Are you still liking it? I hope you are -- it's such a nice area.

I know that I was a bit of a jerk in October when we stopped talking and there's no need for me to give some lame laundry list of excuses as to why I was acting the way I was then. Suffice it to say, I am sorry for the way I acted.

If you are interested, maybe we could get together for some drinks some time soon. It would be nice to see you (I've actually let my hair grow back out so that it's parted and I also have a beard now...). I'm available pretty much every night next week.

I respond:

You must allow me to be a little spacey, which I know I've always been, in trying to pretend I'm all cool and calm with the sudden email. I'm not mad or upset, just surprised. You blocked me from communicating with you in the main way, which was G-Chat and as ridiculous as that may sound. It's actually a normal form of communication. So I just assumed that I would never heard from you again.

I was pissed off at how you were acting towards me after the trip. I couldn't honestly believe that you forgot about my in these concert tickets when you'd discussed it with me several times before that. Anyway, I appreciate that you're apologizing, when you tell me in person I'll consider it worthy of accepting. Sorry if I'm coming off sounding angry, but to be truthful I am peeved.

That all aside, I would like to meet soon. I have to talk with you about life and how you've been despite my anger and frustration at life. I know I am a creature capable of forgiving and moving on. Plus I'm much more of a stoner than I was before, so most often I'm very calm, but always alert!

I'm just warning you ahead of time, I could cry when we meet. I won't probably since I've called it out ahead of time. I have spring break this coming week so I'm busy Mon-Wed working my 2-10 shift. Thursday or Friday could work, but it wouldn't be enough time I'd like. So I will need a few moments to figure out when exactly. What about your weekends? My new phone number is ________. I'm all Brooklyn now, with my area code. Don't call me until I see you first, just leave it to texts and feel free to G-chat hello I suppose.

Call me a bitch, but that's how I play these days.

Picture-A-Day #038

My new haircut: Same song second verse, a little bit different and a little bit worse.

Also notice the Crazy Eyes again. Don't see them, allow me to provide a close up:

Notice the left eye (my right) is always open a little more. While the subtle arch of the eyebrow only accents the crazy look. We won't even go into the obvious slant of my eyes.

They sat if you look directly into my right pupil you will see the face of God and feel the rapture.

Funny how this world works

Oh great pain in my stomach and back and neck. Oh but nothing has been comparing to the pain in the back of my skull. I wonder sometimes if that's what death will feel like? I walk down the street and stagger, for if I move my head to quickly. The feeling of weighted lead shifts in the back and I am off-balance for a moment.

Life has become a blur of sorts. I find it harder to want to stay focused, I like crossing my eyes and then seeing what turns out in my obscurity. Maybe I'll get an internship, maybe I won't. If so either out come with change the threads of time that await me.

I finished And The Band Played On. I found it amazing, a piece of history many people don't know and will never know. It took until the very end, when Reagan actually started "helping" the situation. That so many gay men could die for four years and just because Rock Hudson gets it, that's why it's the way it is today? How is that possible? Or the closing of the bathhouses, once again the way this whole situation was handled was surreal.

It chills me when I figured out I was 21 days old when AIDS officially became a national issue of importance. Also, upon reading the final page I was left feeling terrified because it didn't continue up to now. Where have all the leaders in the fight gone? When we left them they were dying of AIDS! The last chapter sums is all up when Schlitz just blatantly asks, "Where is the leadership?" That was in 1988.

Next book is: Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. It's one book. I know my grammar, okay.

I saw two experimental shows, and with the recent pain in my head, thought I would die. I didn't need to think so much. God's Ear was annoying to me. I loved the writing at times, but casting pick a lead woman without an obnoxious voice and who preferably knows how to act. I hated that woman. In scenes she wasn't in, I was happy and content. Unfortunately she was in most scenes. Especially the mistress, she hit the nail on the author's proverbial head. Then that damned wife would return.

Charles Mee's Fire Island was terrific. With the pain though I was pulled to my maximum for retaining information. I got free burgers and wine. I got to see this cute little freaky clown man court this awkward girl. I got to see affairs on this magical land of Fire Island come together and fall apart. So much was going on, that I felt myself alienating my mind from sensory overload. I loved it.

Why do Kashi TLC crackers taste so fucking good?

A small fact...

Just a little fact. Gay men who have anal sex sometimes get hemorrhoids. I have a hemorrhoid. You do the math. That's why I am currently taking suppositories. It's a way of life, or you are in immense pain.

Now if you find that gross or TMI I'll let you in on some other facts. Your mom had Rrhoids when she was carry you. Old women who stand for long amounts of time in grocery stores had hemorrhoids. A pretty bottom you see at a bar has one has hemorrhoids (or does currently and that's why he's so bitchy).

Oh and if it's not a hemorrhoid, then it's an anal wart and that's a whole different story.

Bum Aside

Suppositories aside. In The Heights will win best musical 2008. It's got no competition, and it's sort of an amazing show to see. I'll admit I cried. The weakest part was the father's big solo. Wow, that was the song that parodies are made from. The old grandma I might actually admit deserves a Tony Nomination. Best Featured Actress of course. No one is taking that Tony away from this seasons Mama Rose. I can tell you that!

It's even got that little gay guy from Camp who annoyed me then, but I'm in love with now.

Preparing My Butt?

An observation: When I insert an anal suppository up my bum. There's a moment where I feel like my butt swallows it. There's this moment where is can accept or reject the item placed there and it accepts. Believe it or not, this is the first time I've felt this sensation. It's interesting and disheartening.

Okay, you know enough about my butt.

Picture-A-Day #037

I need a new computer soon. Hello debt, hello life!

Nitty and Gritty

I don't expect people to read this blog ever. This will not be my into the world of fame or notoriety. It was warming though to have a friend say, "I was reading your blog and if you ever need someone during a nervous breakdown moment you can call me..." I am thrilled that my nervous breakdowns are going worldwide. No, in all actuality I appreciated his offer. I just found it funny to myself.

Recently the notions of castration have been swimming through my mind. Not feeling any sexual desires sometimes strikes me as a profound idea. Not that without a penis, I wouldn't daydream about fucking, etc. I just find the idea of not feeling lusty or romantic to be somewhat enlightening. All of the sudden at a certain age we are taught to love. Are we born with it? I guess attraction is a natural feeling. Those animal instincts. Worry not, I am not going to take a knife to my groin.

I was reading someone else's blog and weekly they upload albums (to those file sharing websites) and let people download them. I thought that was a cute notion and was considering do that for musicals. They misspell the album and artists so Google searches won't track them down. Maybe I'll do that sometime in the future. I mean who would download them is beyond me, but it's nice to share and I have enough musicals I could do that for years. Stay tuned for more on that.

I'm seeing In The Heights tomorrow. I'm excited for it, it was canceled the first time I saw it. We sat in the theater for an hour before they called the show off. It was the first time I'd ever had that happen to me. At a Broadway show too! Another musical event in my life, it was bound to happen someday.

I thought I had more to write, but I don't. That's okay.

Chilly and warm, chilly and warm

The internship interview baffled me. It was well, I think it went well. How are you supposed to act comfortable in front of two total nerds. Like these guys were geeky. You'd think the people who work in Theatrical Related offices are a touch more personable. That is not a true statement. So I need to prepare a fake answer for that, "What do you see yourself doing down the line in five years?" Question. It always stumps me.


I met the guy who runs online radio. He was a justifiable dick head.

Him: So you know about musicals?
Me: Yes, I know it all. (More as a jest).
Him: Name all the Albert Hauge Tony Award Winning Musicals.
Me: Fuck you douche bag!

I know a lot, I know that's for sure. Don't be an asshole and ask me something obscure. I laughed and later researched the answers to that question. It's Redhead. I didn't gush about musicals, actually funnily enough I discussed straight plays. Am I turning into a sophisticate? No, because honestly what sucks on Broadway right now is the musicals. The plays are terrific.

Dork: What show are you seeing next?
Me: Charles Mee's Fire Island at the 3-Legged Dog Theatre.
Dork: I haven't heard of it.
Me: Of you haven't.

I'm not that big of a jerk, honestly. If I get it, I'll probably do it just for the experience. I need the experience. It seems like it'll be boring data entry and I'll be taking a pay cut, but I need the experience. I hate doing an internship at this late in the game. I want to get one that's perfect and will lead to a job. Wine, wine, wine, cheese.

Plus, this internship cuts into my initial "Take Geology and Bio" Plan of 2008. I can technically take Geology with the internship. I used the word technically loosely. Basically I would live without this internship and not miss much. Graduation or intern experience? Graduation? Internship? This one's tough.

Picture-A-Day #036

See, I can still smile.¹ I just love how the crazy in my eyes was once only slightly discernible, nowadays I can see it so easily. Look into my right eye and you'll see what insanity is. How funny that at this time two weeks ago, I was filled with hope.

1 Only when I'm incredibly high, though.

Down for the count...

My body is sick. To be alert of one's body is a weird thing to experience, but I feel it. Not that, "I'm dying" feeling, as I usually discuss. But in the sense that I am ill. I feel warm, my lymphnodes are swollen and I'm more tired than I usually feel. So much in fact that I skipped the gym without feeling regret or remorse. I did later in the day, but that's a different tale.

I woke up this morning and put the finishing touches on my abhorrent lighting design project. Just let me pass, I don't care if it's a C or an A, but let her give me sympathy and see the time I put into it. Let her take pity and say, "Well, this was his first time." I don't care.

My two days of debauchery have taken their toll. It's interesting to think that I have sexed myself into physical pain. Some may see that as a form of masochism. I feel it as purging, I shudder to think of what the inside of my lower region looked like the day after. It wasn't pretty, but it felt so good.

Was I that built up, that the moment I could let it out. I wanted to be rammed so much that I felt pain? Apparently so? Thus forth I am taking the pain that comes with it. I am eating the fiber pills and using the suppositories until I heal again. Then we'll look at life through different eyes, now won't we?

I wake up this morning and immediately thoughts of The Tall Man and our impending meeting comes to my mind. It saddens me, and thus the tone for the day is set. Yet, I know that I need to be more positive! I need to realize I shouldn't beat myself up over it. It's hard to think of looking into his eyes and seeing that he's pushed me away. It's hard to think about ever trusting again. To ever meet someone intimately that I can trust. See how the mood of the day gets set?

I arrived late to school in order to deliver a poem I wrote yesterday while stressed and under influences. It was performed smashingly well, everyone loved it. I have a voice, it's time to figure it out and let the world hear it. It's a goofy poem that was in response to a friend mocking my haircut. Against my own judgement I'll post it. It's more a goofy first draft (this strong black woman reading):

In Response to My Hair
By E.Iguana

Don't move for a moment,
I need to talk...
Friend, dear friend...
Obviously we aren't good enough chums
Or you'd know there are somethings
You just don't say.

There are three things on this head,
Three glorious parts, that if mocked,
Will decree war on the neighboring countries.

First, my lips. Second, my nose. And third, my hair.
To learn about the other two, try and offend another day.
As for now, you shall learn how deep these roots grow!

My hair will be with me,
Longer than any lover has yet to stay.
My hair has been every color on the,
Blond to Brunette scale.
From bleached to burnt,
Not a stranger has died in vain!

My hair has more waves
Than any ocean you will swim.
Like a vast blond pit of quicksand.
If you were to fall in, it could be
Hours before you fell out.

This blond is real!
Each strand,
Like a snowflake
Never the same in hue.
On the left looks dark,
To the right it's blinding!
Doesn't matter because I
Only like when people look,
Head on!

At that point-of-view,
I can't tell what you'll see.
Except a tall yellow pillar of strength!

So dear Friend,
Next time you fire off blanks like that.
Take a look in the mirror and realize,
How much ammo I could fire off!
This tongue is sharp,
And most certainly cuts to the bone!

Oh and I quit smoking today...

Q: If today were the day, you had to stop blogging...

...how would you feel?

Response:

What I Did For Blogs

Post the day's events,
The spelling and the grammar.
Comment me stuff, the same to you.
But I can't regret, what I did for blogs,
What I did for blogs!

Look my eyes are dry,
The .gif was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always read.
And I won't forget,
What I did for blogs.
What I did for blogs!

Gooonnne! Entries all are gone!
As we surf sites on,
Blogs are what we'll remember!

Kiss the internet goodbye,
and point me toward the power button.
We wrote what we had to write!!
Won't forget, can't regreat,
What I did for blogs.
What I did for blogs!
What I did for bloooggggs!!

Blogs are never gone,
as we surf the web on.
Blogs are what we'll remember!
Kiss the internet goodbye,
and point me towards the power button!!!

We wrote what we had to write!!
Won't forget, can't regreat,
What I did for blogs.
What I did for blogs!
What I did for bloooggggs!!

(played to the tune of What I Did For Love from A Chorus Line)

I was thinking of not continuing on with a blog. Someone pointed out, "Most people never think about what they actually write on these sites are what people judge them by." I had a holy fuck moment! I'm self aware of what I write, my friend even pointed that out. Yet, I don't know if this is how I want people judging me. All three of you whom read this.

Have To Believe It's Getting Better.

Yesterday should be classified in what I wanted to be another horrible day. Yet, life seems to be forgiving me. As much as I wanted to stay unhappy about issues. I mean I skipped the gym, I didn't want to go to school and I was sleepy the first half of the afternoon.

Yet, I got an email telling me I received an Email telling me I got an A- in my Costume Costume construction class. That means, today the Saga of the Patti LuPone Pillow is finished! It's done, the stress of that is through. And I did it. By myself, determined and stoned.

Then I got my short story back from my teacher and she absolutely loved it. She told me it still needs some working (which I knew of), but she encouraged me to continue on with my writing career. To this I was elated and cautious. I mean it is a Intro to Creative Writing Class, but I know she's a well rounded Teacher. So I was happy by that, and yes I am going to continue my writing career. I will continue it indeed. Perhaps I'll email the story to anyone, if they're interested? So of the four of you who read this. Send a comment and I'll email it to you.

Then I had a doctor's appointment. I'm still trying to figure out how exactly I can sign up for ADAP and APIC. It's the governments way of saying, "We're going to help you through this ordeal." Yet, figuring out how to fill out this form is like solving and ancient puzzle. So I guess I'm up to the game of it.

As for the doctor's visit. He doesn't seem to want me to leave the office. Nor do I wish to leave it either. And it logically seems like I won't have to if APIC works and starts paying for my health insurance for me. Yet, to become part of APIC, I need to sign up for ADAP and that means I must sign up for Medicaid. Meaning lose my current insurance. Meaning I would lose my doctor, right? right?! Among that, my doctor seems to have a grudge against Callen-Lorde.

Now, for some great...if not terrific news. My doctor sat down and told me about my blood tests. Though my tests still come back positive. My T-Cell Count is inhumanly high, higher than most people he said it was at 1000. This doesn't mean in the next couple of years it could drop or fall. I doubt my crazy weekend depleted anything to much.

He also informed me that my Viral Load was so low that it didn't even read on the test. They test for a count of 400 and I didn't come up, negative. Now for the rest of my life you cannot say negative to me without my ears perking up and my eyes growing wide. I had to make sure I heard him correctly. So he's retesting my blood for a count of 52 and he says if I'm not on that, then I will have to go to an institute for tests because I'm 1 in a 1000s.

That would be wild. My legacy right there. I know it won't be that way. My friend tells me that it jumps the first year, so who knows. In short I have a good chance of going my entire life being undetectable and never having to go on Medication. That is written in the stars and if I quit smoking.

Which brings me to my next point: I'm quitting smoking. After this last pack. When he told me I had four left in my pack. And I thought, "What a bum deal? I'll buy one more pack and then I'll do it." I know I should be all like, "Let's start now!" Forgive me, but allow me one more pack before I say goodbye for good.

In short, I'm Typhoid Mary.

Lastly, and I will not put a big stress on it until it really happens, but an internship I applied for setup and interview with me for Tuesday. I'm going to discuss it anymore. Perhaps this is the "good" thing that could possibly be happening to me? Perhaps is the keyword. If not, I'll know that my life isn't ready to be good yet. It's nice to have a little hope. Don't wish me luck, don't offer prayers. Well you can, just don't tell me about it until AFTER I give any good news.

Hm, interesting...

I'm a queen, he's a queen. Where is my crown? I'm breaking down.

I was able to push The Tall Man out of my mind all day today (excluding now, because I'm obviously writing about him). Real time, isn't it a bitch?

Yes, sure I got drugged and sexed up this weekend. Perhaps it's the coming down and withdrawl speaking (there's a good chance), but it doesn't seem all that dramatic. Because, I feel that in my body I'm not actually conforming to anything. I was purely acting on instinct and frustration. To explain my thought process of it all will take another night, when I'm not at work with only 9 minutes until I leave.

To put it simply, it just makes sense to me what I did these last two days. Stayed tuned for tomorrow where I'll hit the low and feel clinically depressed and saddened by life.

Picture-A-Day #035

I need a haircut. I need to be happy.

It hurts so bad, it gets me down, down down...

Time's have been trying and I have been faced with decisions. School has taken a backseat to my life right now. And to prove that nothing in life is permanent I decided that on Monday and Tuesday (today) I would throw plans to the wind and abandon everything that was officially scheduled. Meaning school and homework and therapy. Instead I went down the Judy Garland Way of Dealing with Internal Struggle. Of course that means I did copious amounts of drugs to help ignore the pain. As well as I followed my old route as a slut and had copious amounts of sex with a small group of people. (Only three different individuals in actuality. But the sex was hot and I enjoyed it).

I know it's not the way to do this, but I realize now that normal conventions can go to hell. Sure it's true I'm going through the first step: Denial. I admit that openly. If others can do it, then so can I. After ending this 48 hour excursion I realize that I can now safely return back to my normal life. I let myself have these 48 hours of absolute craziness, and I don't deny I may return to it from time to time. But I am a different person than I was two years ago, or a year ago for that matter. So I know I can allow myself into these views of life.

All day I sat around thinking, "This is so not me! I'm just waisting the day! I'm skipping class and school work to be a deviant of New York...Brava Iguana, brava. You are allowed this."

The recession

Yesterday, I saw Evita at my college. It was a bus and truck tour that basically replicated the original Broadway production. So for that I was grateful. The staging of the show is sort of amazing. The way people move and such. The lady who played Eva got a home run when she sang "A New Argentina", but more or less struck out when she had to play a woman on the verge of death.

The funniest part of the show took place in the audience. For the first fifteen minutes this old woman came in and refused to sit down and started screaming, "Don't touch me and tell me what to do!!!" And when the manager came to help her find a seat, she shined her flashlight in the old lady's face and she screamed, "Don't shine that light in my face you damned fool!" All during the quiet part of "On This Night of 1000 Stars". I enjoyed the show enough not to hate it. It was all I expected of a Bus and Truck tour.

In other news. Is there other news? School is school. I'm getting through it one day at a time, with as little homework as possible. It will be a miracle if I get through next year, which I shall.

And The Band Played On is over half finished. Saddening still and annoying at seeing how ignorant the world can be. I've said before that I understand the fear that people had for this mysterious epidemic. The terror is put into people's minds and with that they don't think rationally.

I am also very glad that August: Osage County won the Pulitzer Prize. It truly deserved it!

Have to believe it's getting better...

Friend's have been amazing this weekend. Coming from all directions to comfort me. It really means a lot to me. It doesn't erradicate the emotions I'm going through still. I feel now I need to cling on this idea of friends to stay sane.

One thing about that is, I know they will be there. Which is comforting, but the other night when I was having a midnight panic attack I had to pack everything up and spend the night with my friend. I thought while packing my book bag, "So this is what it's like to feel completely helpless?" That I can't say, "No Britt! I am okay I'll be fine alone tonight." So I'm helpless? That's not such a bad thing.

I guess I need to search for that new thing. That thing that will give me hope again. An internship, or graduation? Or a trip to Amsterdam this Thanksgiving. Or a trip to San Francisco.

Last night I hung out with my old ex whom I had a short fling with. We played with his Wii (Super Smash Brother) and drank. We slept and he cuddled me. It's what I needed to sleep. I wasn't looking for sex from him. Though I know if I wanted it he would've given it to me. It was just nice to be held. It's the thing I'll miss most, that feeling of human protection. Especially, when you believed in it.

Funny that he said he wanted to make my life easier. Yet, he did the exact opposite. He threw a wrench in the machine and you can all see the results, already in progress.

I also find it universally prevalent that I went to see Night of the Iguana only days before this event occurred. For reasons I don't feel like explaining. Still lost, but searching for a solution of some kinds.

Picture-A-Day #034

Life-To-Do List: Openly order a Mexican meal and enjoy it – Check

Go It Alone

I am having a minor episode right now, something that I feel will be a constant problem for several months now. I am trying to breath deep because everyone went out tonight or is in bed and not picking up their phones.

I'm terrified to lay down in my bed. I tried a moment ago and immediately thoughts of The Tall Man entered them. Then I began to think about what I would say to him, well what I will say to him when I saw him. My mind soon became a madhouse of issues and I had troubles breathing and my body tensed up.

It all sounds very dramatic I am sure. Yet, it's the way I work nowadays. I began feeling overwhelmed by the idea that he had a much more powerful affect over me. That this is what I feel and the fact that he probably feels nothing. Sure he may be worried about me, but all he portrayed. When I go back in my head and think of the gestures and things said. Then I realize they meant absolutely nothing apparently.

Something clicked in his mind, just suddenly to make him want to end it. To say, "We should stop having sex." Why when only days before we had sex twice in one day? Or that weeks before he was cuddling me and kissing me. That suddenly we should stop all that physical contact. That weeks before he was concerned what my friends thought of him! That now he tells me he has been dating other people!

And for these thoughts I feel lost and alone. I'm not ready to handle this all by myself. I'm not ready to sleep by myself. I'm not willing to close my eyes every night and think, "This is it. This could possibly be the most affection I will ever get." That my life will continue being a series of short affairs, never progressing past that: You're great, but I don't see this turning into anything serious.

Then I returned onto Manhunt. The vilest website on the earth, and yet so addictive. I had my first rejection, "I can't mess around with you...I know all about the safety precautions of HIV. But it wouldn't be fair to my boyfriend..."

Excuse me, did I hear you right? You're in an open relationship with your boyfriend, allowed to fuck other people. Since I was honest with you and we would've had safe sex anyways. It's not fair to YOUR boyfriend!? I'm having troubles breathing right now.

Why did he ever bother telling me about his personal life? Why did he have that serious conversation with me? It's the sort of conversation you have with people you want to be honest with? Isn't it? Why did he do these things and change his mind so quickly?

Why are these thoughts coming on? Why can't I push them out?

Picture-A-Day #033

I remembered last night that The Tall Man opened the fateful night with, "Remember when we watched Bridget Jone's Diary...well I don't want to be the Hugh Grant role." Which ruins two things. First, I can never watch that movie again. Second, I hate that he said that. Also it's not fair because I don't have a Colin Firth role in my movie. Oh and Bridget's weight problem is a touch different from my problems.

Pre-Show Warning

I blame anything I do this weekend (which I'm not going to be that crazy probably) on the last several months.

Last night I went out with David and Colin, neighbors, to a party David was hosting as his alter-ego Violet Temper. We went to a bar called Happy Ending, which is an old Chinese massage parlor in Chinatown. How funny right? We stayed out until 4 AM! I'm surprised I'm even up and awake.

It wasn't a wild night. It was just a night to be out with friends. It's hard being friends with nightlife royalty. We sat around. That's all it consists of. So I got home and promptly fell asleep and skipped the gym today. Well that's the life.

Homework, school? What is that?

Picture-A-Day #032

A Day Like No Other

My life is like a Beckett Play, the absurdity of it is difficult to understand by the untrained eye. Without telling all the female friends anything is wrong, they have all suddenly called, emailed or IM'd me just to say "Hi." Maybe it's because they too know that April is the cruelest month of the year? Or maybe there is something else.

Yet, yesterday was filled with more frustrations than I can count. This is where my life becomes absurd. I called into work and skipped class. I felt I was allowed. There is something very human in having a nervous breakdown, the experience of it is terrifying. I didn't go as crazy as I expected, I think that's because I had people on hand to comfort me. If I had been alone, who knows what would've happened. Lets hope I don't have to find out anytime soon.

I'm not saying I'd kill myself. But one of the reason I want to yell at The Tall Man is because he had the nerve and not the backbone to tell me over the phone. A 22-year-old just recently HIV positive gay male who for the last month has consecutively seen his whole world turned upside down. And you're going make a phone call at 11:30 PM at night and tell him that you never see anything developing from this relationship, but you value the friendship you have created with him. You just feel dirty because you have been seeing other people as well. So to get a clean bill of health you are going to come out in the open and tell him that despite the fact that you enjoy having sex, cuddling, hanging out with, talking to, being with this person. You should stop having sex. Because you don't want to be that guy who leads him on.

Well, I am SO glad you got that out of your system! You can go on being the fantastic person you are. Can't even say it to his face. You hang up your phone and I wonder for a moment if you even wondered what happened after that phone hung up. Could you hear the screaming? Could you feel the sobbing? The physical pain that was trying to push out of his body? The vile feeling he wanted to purge from his insides? No, I'm sure you missed all that because your conscience was restored again.

Can I tell you that I'm not surprised. I did think he would be an exception to the rule. That he wouldn't end up like the others. I'm never going to date someone significantly older again. I'm utterly sick and tired of the bullshit. Let's see I won't date 5 or more years. Actually I do believe I'll begin to resent anyone over the age of 26 in sexual pretenses. Of course this is all speculation and I probably will sleep with someone older again. Because if I hold true to that statement I will never date or have sex again.

I don't like to draw frightening parallels to my life, but seriously, wasn't this the exact issue that I was dealing with with The Gentleman Caller?? Except that this time they were actually brought out in the open. So obviously these are issues that I need to be aware of. Accordingly I have been dealing with them for the last 1.5 years.

So I took the day off school and went to see a show. That's what I needed to cheer me up. In The Heights was the show I fell into, and for the first time in my hundreds and hundreds of shows I've seen. It was canceled. We sat in the theater for an hour before they actually decided that. Then I returned home, wasting the day in Time Square, which is beginning to disgust me. What do I find waiting for me when I got home?

A rejection letter from an internship. The whipped cream on top of the best day of my life. And you tell me to keep my chin up? You can really utter those words out of your mouth and believe that it's true? I'll smile eventually again, perhaps it will mean something. Unless if what's broken with always remain broken.

Give Me Strength

If by: e.e. cummings

If freckles were lovely, and day was night, And measles were nice and a lie warn't a lie, Life would be delight,-- But things couldn't go right For in such a sad plight I wouldn't be I. If earth was heaven and now was hence, And past was present, and false was true, There might be some sense But I'd be in suspense For on such a pretense You wouldn't be you. If fear was plucky, and globes were square, And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee Things would seem fair,-- Yet they'd all despair, For if here was there We wouldn't be we.

It's okay to be sad. To allow yourself to mourn. I could be the worst I can be. Crying is enough for now. I will get by, the well worn phrase, "It will get better." So hilarious that I cling to it. I feel like something inside of me is now broken off. Perhaps, only time can develop that it's noticeable. The damage is done and now it continues on. Sometimes you don't get the time to heal, you just need to keep moving.

I wish it could have continued as it seemed to be. I'm apparently to good at it all that leaves them in awe. In short, I'm not datable. People can see fit to physically get involved and then something happens. Something always happens. 90% of the time it's your fault, so what? I lost out to someone else? He was dating others apparently. Romanticism has died.

Swallow while you still can, let the sadness run down your throat and feel the taste of it. It's not easily forgotten. Embitter? For the first time you've felt lost, really lost. The breakdown paid due an now you have to rebuild.

I never want to be sober again. I want life to always be slanted. It seems better that way, even the bad seems somewhat more surreal and fantastic. Which is easier to deal with. The walls were broken down and for that I need to rebuild.

I never want to be sober again.

I need to run as far as possible

The Tall Man ended it last night and thus the emotional breakdown that was over a month due came last. As much as I'd love to articulate everything that happened, I'm not gonna.

I feel lost and scared. I feel as though I'm trying harder than ever to just "keep going." Absolutely absurd is this whole situation. It was the same story as last time. Things were said and things weren't said. I'm quitting therapy because that cunt made me believe it would work out.

So it's 8:35 AM and I'm still up. Perhaps, I'll skip class today. I will skip class today. Perhaps I'll go running. I will go running. Perhaps I'll cry more. I will cry more.

In And The Band Played On a couple passages that stood out to me as poignant were these:

"As Joe drove from Gary's house, perched on the hills over the Castro District with the dark silhouettes of downtown skyscrapers in the distance, he realized their lives would never be the same. December 15, 1982, was his point of demarcation. From then on, he cast his life in terms of Before this even had happened and, now, After." (212)

"As Gary surveyed the village below him and watched the weeds in the wind, he was surprised at how much more he was seeing, how every sight has extra color and more palpable texture. Intellectually, he understood why. He might never see another winter. As if for the first time, he was actually taking in the feeling, the entire sense of the moment as he has never before. It was what he had long been seeking in his years of self-exploration and his career in psychology—to be so totally in touch with the moment, with now. In a strange way, he began to feel as blessed as he was cursed." (230)

Picture-A-Day #031

Goofy face before Xanadu for the second time! Yay. What's not yay is The Tall Man leaves for Africa (on business) this Saturday. And I may not be able to see him before he leaves. Oh I will see him, oh I will.