A sad loss. Since I'm super close with Vanessa Redgrave and all that. Seriously though, I enjoy her very much.
Thursday, March 19
Tuesday, March 17
Group Session: The 12 Days of Judy
Group was more calm last night. It was a slightly progressive night for life outside the group. I fear I was the catalyst. If I'd never worn those skinny jeans on Saturday and not felt so damned powerful in them! I would've never hung out with The Prince, who is a guy my age who has a rich older boyfriend.
His boyfriend apparently is ridiculously rich and owns buildings, helicopters and Egyptian Cats! He is kept in an ivory tower. He lives a dream life that I can't help envy and I feel such sadness for. I wanted to go out and he was the first one to answer my text. If I'd never gone out, he would have never invited me to dinner before group and we'd never have had that screwdriver!
How do I break these rules? One screwdriver to me is a calming way into social situations, despite the rule of not being on any substances that can mess up your judgement, or some crap like that [Rules wouldn't be made unless they wanted us to break them]. Well, The Prince has one screwdriver and is singing show tunes and hitting high C sharps! In turn by the end of group he invited everyone out to get more drinks. Do you see where this story is going? No, well just hang on for a moment longer.
The ShyGuy ran away. The Vespa-Rider peaced out quickly too. Leaving me to get to know newer personalities, in a friendly atmosphere. At one point during the night I was talking to a guy who said that the bar he was working at was hiring bar backs [not bareback] for the summer. I may have my in, which means the universe works in weird ways. You put out what you get back. I don't know, time shall tell. Maybe, I don't need a suit just yet.
The highlight of the night was when another soft spoken member brought up how Judy Garland was his patron saint. I quickly showed him my mark of Judy. He then told me of his 12 Days of Judy celebration! Since Judy was born on June 10th and died on June 22nd. There's twelve days to celebrate her existence!
Her story is similar to that of the Christ figure. She was born Francis Gumm and was reborn into Judy Garland. She died prematurely and will rise again. It's adorably cute, this idea the man created. I am glad that these two things have happened, as silly as they are.
His boyfriend apparently is ridiculously rich and owns buildings, helicopters and Egyptian Cats! He is kept in an ivory tower. He lives a dream life that I can't help envy and I feel such sadness for. I wanted to go out and he was the first one to answer my text. If I'd never gone out, he would have never invited me to dinner before group and we'd never have had that screwdriver!
How do I break these rules? One screwdriver to me is a calming way into social situations, despite the rule of not being on any substances that can mess up your judgement, or some crap like that [Rules wouldn't be made unless they wanted us to break them]. Well, The Prince has one screwdriver and is singing show tunes and hitting high C sharps! In turn by the end of group he invited everyone out to get more drinks. Do you see where this story is going? No, well just hang on for a moment longer.
The ShyGuy ran away. The Vespa-Rider peaced out quickly too. Leaving me to get to know newer personalities, in a friendly atmosphere. At one point during the night I was talking to a guy who said that the bar he was working at was hiring bar backs [not bareback] for the summer. I may have my in, which means the universe works in weird ways. You put out what you get back. I don't know, time shall tell. Maybe, I don't need a suit just yet.
The highlight of the night was when another soft spoken member brought up how Judy Garland was his patron saint. I quickly showed him my mark of Judy. He then told me of his 12 Days of Judy celebration! Since Judy was born on June 10th and died on June 22nd. There's twelve days to celebrate her existence!
Her story is similar to that of the Christ figure. She was born Francis Gumm and was reborn into Judy Garland. She died prematurely and will rise again. It's adorably cute, this idea the man created. I am glad that these two things have happened, as silly as they are.
Sunday, March 15
Skinny Jeans
You need to buy a suit for interviews. You don't own a suit?
No, I don't, I just purchased my first pair of skinny jeans this week. No one in my life has died or gotten married. I suppose I was raised business casual my entire life. The idea of owning a suit terrifies me, spending $600 dollars of this money I don't have. How does that happen? How can that happen?
I'm down to my last Ambien. The second to last is currently working its magic in my body. Prepare yourself from the insomnia to return in full force. I've been working on improving it. I still have melatonin, but that leaves me feeling so groggy in the mornings.
I have been reading about Stephen Sondheim non-stop this week. A biography on his life and his art. For the paper I plan to write for my 20th Century Theater Class. I have found a new Sondheim song, one that I've know existed for years, but ignored cause it wasn't big and flashy. Anyone Can Whistle though speaks to me terribly. So terribly.
I know the suggestion was to help, but it was said as if there was a balanced idea behind it. A rule that everyone knew, besides me. I know the good intentions that were behind it as well. Oh I do.
I feel off these days. As if I am existing just to be erased from memories. I can't seem to connect with people on levels that I wish I could connect with them on. I feel this longing to be loved and supported, but constantly encounter roadblocks. Each week goes by and draws closer to impending graduation.
Oddly enough, I feel these months may hold some change for better or worse. Against all will, the hands of fate will carry out their vile plans. I can try to deter the immediately consequences, but the gears that are turning, have been turning for far to long.
I was speaking with The Escort who is moving to CT into his John's house to live rent free and do school work. He also fixes the house and such. He'll be in the city taking classes, but I told him that I know so many homos our age who are leaving. He corrected me and told me he wasn't leaving.
No, my prostituted little friend. Our lives are not under the same category. It's fun to pretend, but they will never been.
No, I don't, I just purchased my first pair of skinny jeans this week. No one in my life has died or gotten married. I suppose I was raised business casual my entire life. The idea of owning a suit terrifies me, spending $600 dollars of this money I don't have. How does that happen? How can that happen?
I'm down to my last Ambien. The second to last is currently working its magic in my body. Prepare yourself from the insomnia to return in full force. I've been working on improving it. I still have melatonin, but that leaves me feeling so groggy in the mornings.
I have been reading about Stephen Sondheim non-stop this week. A biography on his life and his art. For the paper I plan to write for my 20th Century Theater Class. I have found a new Sondheim song, one that I've know existed for years, but ignored cause it wasn't big and flashy. Anyone Can Whistle though speaks to me terribly. So terribly.
What's hard is simple,I lack social graces that allows for this song to ring true. This week coming will be filled with midterms and wondering what is going to happen with my life. I guess I need to work on buying that suit. For without a suit, it seems you'll never get anywhere in the world.
What's natural comes hard.
Maybe you could show me
How to let go, lower my guard, learn to be . . .
free.
I know the suggestion was to help, but it was said as if there was a balanced idea behind it. A rule that everyone knew, besides me. I know the good intentions that were behind it as well. Oh I do.
I feel off these days. As if I am existing just to be erased from memories. I can't seem to connect with people on levels that I wish I could connect with them on. I feel this longing to be loved and supported, but constantly encounter roadblocks. Each week goes by and draws closer to impending graduation.
Oddly enough, I feel these months may hold some change for better or worse. Against all will, the hands of fate will carry out their vile plans. I can try to deter the immediately consequences, but the gears that are turning, have been turning for far to long.
I was speaking with The Escort who is moving to CT into his John's house to live rent free and do school work. He also fixes the house and such. He'll be in the city taking classes, but I told him that I know so many homos our age who are leaving. He corrected me and told me he wasn't leaving.
IGUANA: Not all of us have a house in CT we can move into that is rent free.Now I was caught off guard with the notion that my parents are existentially my John. That a man who used to fuck this guy is graciously helping his life by letting him move into his house in CT and live for free. While if I moved home to upstate NY. I would not only be forced to get a job, I would have to pay rent for my room and I would ultimately throw myself in front of a truck!
ESCORT: You have your parent's house, don't you?
That's the Ambien talking, I think.
No, my prostituted little friend. Our lives are not under the same category. It's fun to pretend, but they will never been.
Friday, March 13
Perhaps. . .
I called my old job today and left a message with my boss. I asked if she could let me work for her. I'm swallowing my pride, but I'd rather have a job than be poor.
Perhaps she'll tell me "Welcome back." Perhaps. Perhaps snowflakes will taste like sugar and perhaps pigs will tell the future. Perhaps. At least I asked.
I feel so useless. With morning classes I can't work anywhere. With a weekend class I can't really work weekends. I'm the most unappetizing candidate for work right now. It's really depressing me. I am biting my tongue for every person who's biggest upset is the new facebook makeover. Really?
I cleaned the entire apartment today, because when I have nothing to do, I still do things. I wish I could be lazy, but I just keep moving. I feel so strange right now. I have been looking for jobs, which was about as useful as nailing my hand into the floor.
It's not all my fault, there is a recession going on. I wish I were more interesting right now, unfortunately I'm not.
Perhaps I'll become more interesting someday later. Perhaps. . .
Perhaps she'll tell me "Welcome back." Perhaps. Perhaps snowflakes will taste like sugar and perhaps pigs will tell the future. Perhaps. At least I asked.
I feel so useless. With morning classes I can't work anywhere. With a weekend class I can't really work weekends. I'm the most unappetizing candidate for work right now. It's really depressing me. I am biting my tongue for every person who's biggest upset is the new facebook makeover. Really?
I cleaned the entire apartment today, because when I have nothing to do, I still do things. I wish I could be lazy, but I just keep moving. I feel so strange right now. I have been looking for jobs, which was about as useful as nailing my hand into the floor.
It's not all my fault, there is a recession going on. I wish I were more interesting right now, unfortunately I'm not.
Perhaps I'll become more interesting someday later. Perhaps. . .
Wednesday, March 11
Group Catharsis
I went to group on Monday with no intentions of sharing. I wanted to just listen and be "unemotional" for one session. I enjoy the support group, but I don't know if I'll sign up again for another session. I have a problem with being open and just saying things.
I am to self-conscious to just say, "I thought about killing myself this week." As someone did tonight and in saying that I almost burst into tears. I had to hold on as I watched two guys in group cry and ponder what their futures will hold. The younger side of the group that is my age, we all related to him. We all have thoughts about killing ourselves. We all shared that. The older side of the group sat and listened, almost indifferently at times.
To be HIV positive and young, it destroys your outlook on the future. Where you once saw endless possibilities, you now only see fuzzy goals. Promises made to yourself are broken and choices that seemed obvious are not anywhere near as logical.
I watched as this guy talked about how he didn't feel motivated and that he wasn't the same anymore. He hated this body he now lived in. I felt an endless agreement and it terrified me. However, there was a calmness that came from it too. Once again I was no longer the only one who felt this. I was not crazy and these thoughts and emotions could be shared with others. In a perverted way, I felt calmed by this discovery.
Then the next kid began to discuss how his mother always ends their telephone conversations with, "Be healthy." This destroyed him because he believes that he has failed this simple request. He too began to weep. I sat there blinking my tears and not calling attention to them. The pathos I got from their confessions was enough for me to know that, I too, have these issues.
It was such an intense group for having not admitted anything directly. I felt exhausted and wanted to do nothing but go home. Unfortunately, I got talked into getting dinner with a couple of the older guys from group.
Perhaps it is cause they are both "emotionless" in general. Or that they couldn't relate, but at dinner they both agreed that they were so bored with group tonight. I know that we all have different ways of coping, but that shocked me. I was not necessarily upset with them, but the fact there was not empathy for the two guy's sadness. This confession exhausted my soul even more.
I am to self-conscious to just say, "I thought about killing myself this week." As someone did tonight and in saying that I almost burst into tears. I had to hold on as I watched two guys in group cry and ponder what their futures will hold. The younger side of the group that is my age, we all related to him. We all have thoughts about killing ourselves. We all shared that. The older side of the group sat and listened, almost indifferently at times.
To be HIV positive and young, it destroys your outlook on the future. Where you once saw endless possibilities, you now only see fuzzy goals. Promises made to yourself are broken and choices that seemed obvious are not anywhere near as logical.
I watched as this guy talked about how he didn't feel motivated and that he wasn't the same anymore. He hated this body he now lived in. I felt an endless agreement and it terrified me. However, there was a calmness that came from it too. Once again I was no longer the only one who felt this. I was not crazy and these thoughts and emotions could be shared with others. In a perverted way, I felt calmed by this discovery.
Then the next kid began to discuss how his mother always ends their telephone conversations with, "Be healthy." This destroyed him because he believes that he has failed this simple request. He too began to weep. I sat there blinking my tears and not calling attention to them. The pathos I got from their confessions was enough for me to know that, I too, have these issues.
It was such an intense group for having not admitted anything directly. I felt exhausted and wanted to do nothing but go home. Unfortunately, I got talked into getting dinner with a couple of the older guys from group.
Perhaps it is cause they are both "emotionless" in general. Or that they couldn't relate, but at dinner they both agreed that they were so bored with group tonight. I know that we all have different ways of coping, but that shocked me. I was not necessarily upset with them, but the fact there was not empathy for the two guy's sadness. This confession exhausted my soul even more.
Group Blues
I went to group last night with no expectations. Until it happened. I want to write more, but I've been thinking about it all and what happened. It wasn't even my issues, but feelings I shared. It's all confusing a little bit. I will articulate it more tomorrow. For sure.
Sunday, March 8
Cover All The Mirrors
The movie is through [If they had been paying me, I'd be sad]. I'm jobless [but looking]. I'm losing my health insurance [but trying to find a new one]. I am having problems with filing graduation [but speaking to the powers that be so I will graduate]. I am running out of Ambien [but that may be a good thing]. I did my taxes and owe $705 between Fed and State [but I'm not filing them until I know my way out of that one].
Basically I know what my list of things to do is. I just need to stay motivated and positive to do them.
I want a hug, a long hard hug that's filled with care and concern. That's all I ask for.
Basically I know what my list of things to do is. I just need to stay motivated and positive to do them.
I want a hug, a long hard hug that's filled with care and concern. That's all I ask for.
Friday, March 6
A Weekend in My Mind
What do you want? That's the question on my mind for this last week. It's caused a lack of sleep. My roommate had a moment where she told me "what it's all about." I do agree with most of what she said. Though no one necessarily likes to hear that they are manipulating situations, but I was.
I suppose that if I invite someone over for dinner at 9 PM at night. That is basically a spider inviting a fly into his parlor. I cannot be surprised that they think I want to date them. I feel like a grand seducer and an emotional leech. I don't necessarily mean to lead anyone on, which I have been doing. She concludes [as all good doctors do] that I need to figure out what I want.
I've been trying to figure it out. I think I want to date, but I did make that vow to God and a Starbucks Barrista that I would not have sex with anyone in this group until it was through. Yet, I have been eyeing some and doing the acts described above. What's awful about it is I do it so ambiguously and without conviction. I do want to become friends with people, but to do it with gay men seems to always have the issue of sexual attraction.
Probably because we become friends with people we are initally attracted to. I am trying to improve my ambigious sexuality. It's got to be addressed sometime, but the thing is if you're attracted to that person [and in return he is attracted to you] than you obviously will not address the issue until after infidelities are committed.
So I am thinking on this issue. If I believe in having a boyfriend then I will get one? I don't know if I'll necessarily buy that. I suppose there's no harm in trying. So I guess we'll get that out of the way.
In my life I haven't always been clear on what I wanted. In fact I don't think there has been clarity for several years now. I wish I was cemented in ideas and less confusion. I am flighty and absentmindedly open. I've grown tired of thinking about this issue.
I suppose that if I invite someone over for dinner at 9 PM at night. That is basically a spider inviting a fly into his parlor. I cannot be surprised that they think I want to date them. I feel like a grand seducer and an emotional leech. I don't necessarily mean to lead anyone on, which I have been doing. She concludes [as all good doctors do] that I need to figure out what I want.
I've been trying to figure it out. I think I want to date, but I did make that vow to God and a Starbucks Barrista that I would not have sex with anyone in this group until it was through. Yet, I have been eyeing some and doing the acts described above. What's awful about it is I do it so ambiguously and without conviction. I do want to become friends with people, but to do it with gay men seems to always have the issue of sexual attraction.
Probably because we become friends with people we are initally attracted to. I am trying to improve my ambigious sexuality. It's got to be addressed sometime, but the thing is if you're attracted to that person [and in return he is attracted to you] than you obviously will not address the issue until after infidelities are committed.
So I am thinking on this issue. If I believe in having a boyfriend then I will get one? I don't know if I'll necessarily buy that. I suppose there's no harm in trying. So I guess we'll get that out of the way.
In my life I haven't always been clear on what I wanted. In fact I don't think there has been clarity for several years now. I wish I was cemented in ideas and less confusion. I am flighty and absentmindedly open. I've grown tired of thinking about this issue.
Wednesday, March 4
Making Up My Mind
I'm taking the advice and perspective of others in stride. I ultimately will make my own decisions and I agree you're right. The test of my Willpower is my greatest test.
I am taking these new few days to figure out what I want. I know I am indecisive, but I am paying attention since you pointed it out. I have gone four years without this kind of guidance.
I'm always questioning. Always thinking these issues through. So I take the opinions of others and will mold them so they fit. I am a sneaky person, and I'm trying to be honest and upfront. I am manipulative. A spider with a web.
Oh well, I think I have this situation underhand. If I don't react than what is there to worry about? I am trying! Know that much!
I am taking these new few days to figure out what I want. I know I am indecisive, but I am paying attention since you pointed it out. I have gone four years without this kind of guidance.
I'm always questioning. Always thinking these issues through. So I take the opinions of others and will mold them so they fit. I am a sneaky person, and I'm trying to be honest and upfront. I am manipulative. A spider with a web.
Oh well, I think I have this situation underhand. If I don't react than what is there to worry about? I am trying! Know that much!
Tuesday, March 3
As if From a Coma
I pushed off my glass coffin lid and found myself in the middle of the woods, surrounded by dozens of little furry animals. As my vision ceases to blur I realize they're just Mexicans.
I fell into a snowstorm slump. I woke and then quickly ran back to bed. I don't know if it was the bad weather or my sudden lack of willpower that did it. It terrifies me at how easy one can get depressed and do nothing all day. I did nothing all day. I skipped class and group. I did see Coraline, but only after waking up 40 minutes prior to that.
Monday's are not my strongest day. Actually they sicken me. So when a Nor'Easter blows through and causes issues. I suppose it's not abnormal of me to head for bed. Seasonally this is an "off" day.
I guess today is where I pick up where I left off. I guess this is indeed the place to do that. There is three months left of all this stuff. Three months. You can survive this trial period.
I fell into a snowstorm slump. I woke and then quickly ran back to bed. I don't know if it was the bad weather or my sudden lack of willpower that did it. It terrifies me at how easy one can get depressed and do nothing all day. I did nothing all day. I skipped class and group. I did see Coraline, but only after waking up 40 minutes prior to that.
Monday's are not my strongest day. Actually they sicken me. So when a Nor'Easter blows through and causes issues. I suppose it's not abnormal of me to head for bed. Seasonally this is an "off" day.
I guess today is where I pick up where I left off. I guess this is indeed the place to do that. There is three months left of all this stuff. Three months. You can survive this trial period.
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