Why Do I Do Things, I Never Mean To Do. . .

I am utilizing the Google Task bar in hopes of motivating myself to do more. If it's written down and constantly reminding me. I will be less likely to ignore the things I put off with a hand gesture. It's so difficult though when no one returns your phone calls or acknowledges your existence at all.

I cannot sleep right now because I feel nervous. Odd, nervous because tomorrow is Monday. The beginning of another week. Maybe the work will come in, maybe the feelings will lift. Maybe. There's so many maybes. There's a lot of wonder. If I could only take life by the balls.

As the Construction Worker simply said, "It's only phone calls." Phone calls with people who don't speak proper English. I will admit openly, I am not the brightest star, I can follow a direction and carryout protocol to perfection. Get a grade and I have it, read a book and I'll do it.

Expect me to make up my mind and choose what to do next. Are you mad? I was raised to follow rules and directions. There's no one to follow but myself now, and I just want things to be. I don't want to make phone calls, phone calls terrify me. The things I'm looking for are not taught in any classrooms. Oh goodness.

Scratched Nose

I once had a dream. I think you can call it my childhood. It involved hallways and simplicity and slower days. I have been trying to keep the glass half full. I feel like people are checking up on me and that makes me nervous.

There was a time when I could picture myself doing any job. I would do any job, but it doesn't even seem possible to get any job these days. I was raised to believe that I could do anything, but I'm entering a Depression. My generation is entering a Depression, but we're not ready to give into it, just yet.

The other day, when I wasn't looking for jobs because I applied to them all. I didn't want to leave the house yet, for fear that my temp agency would call me while I was shower in the gym or running on the treadmill. I decided I would take a short nap on the couch. It does not feel so lazy if I do it outside of my room and on the couch.

I closed my eyes and 45 minutes went by. My naps usually only last less than an hour, for that is about the time the furnace that lives in my body fully warms up and I burst into flame. Around minute 40 of that nap I was attacked by the Kitten. He saw my nose peaking out of the nap [the way I sleep on my stomach and fold my arms under my head. It allows me nose to peak out]. He saw that nose and dove for it. I now have a nice little scratch on my nose. He is a curious kitten, very curious indeed.

I need to take him to get his shots today, but the worry lies in the fact we're not supposed to have a kitten. It doesn't necessarily matter, because everyone else who lives in our building has a dog or cat. I just don't wish to get another set of bad news. I am going to disguise the carrier, as a giant Halloween basket I've made for my neighbors! They will never catch on. Never!

I Must Keep Optomistic.

Getting an elusive interview. For a 15 minute meeting, smiling and thinking about how you want to be happy to fold shirts for the next three months. Everything is temporary these days, no one is permanent. It's something and it's saving up money for better things.

I would love to fold shirts all day. Be enthusiastic all day. Smile, smile. I just want a paycheck. I'll smile till my fingers bleed. Though the correlation, I may even work through Christmas if I can. I know it may be cruel, I just don't want to think about things. I've acquired all a married woman can take. Except a job, so work is fine with me.

I Shall Remarry. . .

He called me his boyfriend. Tra-la. For the first time in years. Will wonders never cease? He's invited me to Greece come this June. Oh mamma, I may be going to Greece. I need to save up money!

It's all so trivial, but simple and nice. We enjoy the company and he's quiet, but he likes to have me around. Oh we shall see, we shall see.

Vannnnnilllllllaaaa iiiiiiccccceeeeecrrrrrrreeeeeaaaammm.

It's Fall

I've been getting all the biking I can, while the weather permits. It's been very chilly, but there's something nice about the lack of people I deal with while riding a bike. Not to mention the sweating. The sweating just feels refreshing.

I've been actively applying to jobs daily, which is both annoying and productive. I'm just trying to make my time useful while this trial continues. Hopefully by the end of this week it will end, we are going onto week three.

I went to the Equality March in Washington D.C. I really enjoyed being with my friends and marching to make a point. My favorite speakers were Angela Green and Charles King who spoke on HIV and AIDS. What upset me though was that all the people left after Lady Gaga spoke, and though I liked her little speech, it was nowhere as powerful as the other speakers.

King and Green both talked about the war on HIV and AIDS. How it's not dead and the infection rates will continue increasing if nothing is done. I've decided I am going to write them an email telling them how much their speech affected me, and how I want to partake in this fight. King said at the end of the speech that he was declaring today that AIDS is our fight. I want to help in that fight. We shall see where this brings me. For the first time in months I felt something that made me excited.

This Halloween I am going to be a version of Little Red Riding Hood. This idea came to me because the construction worker affectionately calls me Little Red and I call him the Wolf. He just looks like one, but in the sexist of ways. Unfortunately, all my friends will be in California, so I need to find a place to show off my costume.

Switched Off. . .

The trial goes on and on. Oh it's truly to much to take, unfortunately until a verdict it reached, that's as far as I can talk about.

Tomorrow I am going to Washington D.C. for the Equality March for Same-Sex Marriage. It will be my first time in Washington D.C. and for such a reason as this, one can only wonder how this trip will turn out. I'm expected to find a bus in midtown (a location that I still do not know where) at 6 AM. I have an online ticket and Maya Angelou to keep me company. As well as some fun friends and their mothers!

The kitten is in this stage of hate. I purchased a spray bottle and have had to use it on several occasions. Bumble seems to have taken an angry response. He won't really go near me or let me pet him anymore. Yet, I can't let him bite wires and nip at my fingers. Therefore, when he sees my hand is justifiably terrified that he will get spritzed in the face with my ray gun!

I suppose a swift and just parent is better than a parent a lazy and parent who spoils. Oh well, I hope he accepts the fact that I am his benefactor as well as his disciplinarian.

Last night I saw a one woman show with the Construction Worker and an older friend of his. Along with that friend's sorted gay friends. Oh, the gay life! He then spent the night and we slept together. It seems so simple. He's a busybody and he works most days, he never hangs out at the apartment. He has buildings to build and contractors to deal with.

We cuddle and I try to please without spilling to many tears. It seems so easy and calm. He's turning 40 in March and he wants to rent a yacht and take several friends on it to some place warm and far away. I have until March, but was he inviting me? Or simply throwing out the suggest, "Save up kid. I don't stay for breakfast and I won't cover your tab on this adventure."

What's a Yacht? Some kind of dragon? People can rent Yachts with kitchen staff and crew! That fee is in someone's pocketbook? I can handle the price of two tickets to a one woman show, but to an island. Let me call my temp agency for extra work. . . I'll see you in March. It's curiously simple and I don't necessarily want it to become complex.

I will not worry about a yacht. A yacht is about as common of a used word as taint. Everyone recognizes that it's a dirty word, but no one really know how to properly describe what it actually is.

There is A Sadness. . .

There's been a lot going on these days, but strangely enough nothing has been going on. There is the kitten, Bumble. He's funny and a nice companion. I'm trying to get him to stop nipping me when I try and pet him.

I have been applying to jobs. This legacy that I am leaving is building up. A futon and a kitten. Oh and the Construction Worker. Trying to build trust in me, which is comforting enough.

The trial is happening and happening. I'm not allowed to discuss it, so I'll keep all the details until this ends.

Now Is The Moment

The Construction Worker is laying in my bed, puking and trying to calm a hangover. He's a hot mess, which makes this the first time I feel somewhat in control. Which makes it sound maniacal in this twisted way.

Alas, it's what it is. I should just keep quiet, he's conscience but drunk. This I have never experienced with someone I'm dating. It's all new, the entire thing is new. Oh so much to take in this. Wifely duty.