Friday, February 27

Oh These Days, Please Pass

I am getting reprimanded a lot this week. I wish I was not, but I am. I want to get out of it, but it's more difficult than I know. I wish I knew what to write about the situation, but I don't know necessarily what to say. It also didn't help that the one telling me how to think is in a serious mistake himself. It's like taking advice from Hedda Gabler, it will only end with a pistol and a wound.

I am going out tonight to not spend money. To be with friends, which is more difficult than you can imagine. It's a hard time to live here and be thrifty. You're never not spending money when you're here. It's terrible. You see people less because you can't afford to. Oh the thing we do for friends, at the end of the day I'll enjoy the interactions.

It's almost time to go off into the night and wait for my friends. Tra-la. Maybe I will buy one drink. Then one drink leads to two, then two leads to twelve. You know how it goes.

Thursday, February 26

The Legend of the Piggie Who Kept Tales Hidden

There once was a little piggie who met three creatures simultaneously and through a series of paradoxes. Yet, each one had a different relationship with the piglet.

The first rode a Vespa and liked to take the piggie out on dates. He would text a little more than the pig was used to, but he appreciated it nonetheless. The Vespa-rider would find ways to spend the night and sneak into the piggie's room to cuddle and kiss and . . . pet. Both had made promises not to do anymore than "kiss and pet and cuddle." For if they did they'd be breaking the rules and the piglet wanted to follow the rules. His constitution was still weak and the piggie enjoyed cuddling ever so much.

The second was the piglet's neighbor. The piggie was attracted to his Neighbor, but he was in a relationship. The principles of this relationship were built on sparkles, glue and fairies wings and now the piggie's neighbor lusted after him.

The pig had met his Neighbor on the street one day and they decided to have dinner together. The piglet knew his neighbor's intentions and the pig loved to have his tummy's rubbed. The Neighbor would send lovingly text messages that declared:

I am home early from work and would love to fuck you right now.

The piggie was touched and it made him chuckle. However, he didn't enjoy being the third "pig in a blanket" if you will. His constitution was getting a little better, but he was still prone to taking a roll in the mud every now and then.

The third was a ShyGuy who was so tall that his head often hit the clouds. The ShyGuy was as tame as a soft wind. He had a nervous twitch of biting his nails in a way that almost seemed painful. He would stare off into space and stutter, rarely making direct eye contact. It was difficult to see into his eyes since his head rested in near clumulus formations.

The pig liked this ShyGuy both emotionally and physically. The ShyGuy shared a similar past with the oinker. The piglet took a liking to him because it was nice to have a person around who made him snort less. Sometimes there would be awkward moments, like when the piggie was leaving and he received two consecutive pecks on the lips from the Guy.

The piggie knew better than to dig for truffles and just wanted to remain friends. The next time he saw the ShyGuy, the piggie was in a hurry and absentmindedly [in all seriousness] pecked the ShyGuy on the lips again! Later that night the ShyGuy came calling on the piggie for dinner. To take out, not to eat.

These gestures made the piglet get all pink and Rosy. Yet, he knew that he would rather be respectful of this one. The piggie had didn't know where this one was going, but was steering towards friendship. He was still learning to control himself.

So here was one little pig, with three different creatures involving themselves into his life. The Pig was content with the current relationships, but had a feeling some would change or evolve soon. Until then, he was going to maintain them and follow where each one lead.


The End.

Wednesday, February 25

Here I Sit

I'm not really that stressed out. Perhaps it's all an act. I reserve time from my day to sit around and wait until this movie needs me. I suppose this isn't "counter productive" to looking for a job. I would rather not be on set, than actually be on set. Oh well, such is life. 

So instead I sit on a couch waiting until 8 PM, I suppose. They will call on me at 8 PM. They must, or else I'll have wasted the day. 

I don't know honestly, I'll continue to sit here and do homework. As I should be doing. It just seems a waste, a terrible waste. Someday I'll have a proper job. You know, one of those ones that pays. 

Monday, February 23

The Way I See It

Listen, it's all I can do to not jump on you. We really need to set aside some time one night this week for some carnage. -- Text Message
I'm feeling very tense, like the week ahead is already overwhelming. It's just movie, social and other business like that. Nothing seriously, so why feel tense? Maybe because there is a lack of the "serious" matters at hand. I have plenty, but I just put them behind me.

Today on the way to school. I saw the same man who I saw weeks ago who smiled at me on the train ride home. He looked at me once and didn't recognize me, perhaps cause it was before 9 AM and he was tired. I looked the same, he looked different. His lack of recognition upset my balance. Ah, well. Our third encounter will be charming, I am sure.

Tonight, I return to group. It's been a week hiatus and was there ever a week I needed group more it was last week. I am here, left to my own devices and what do I do? Well, I'm still here and that is enough.

Kathy Griffin was funny. I saw her live, did I fail to mention that? Well, I did. I lived a gay man's wet dream. What was funnier was this text I got on my way home. I don't try, I did nothing to get it except be myself. I will feel no blame.

Sunday, February 22

A Year of Magical Drinking

I drank a lot. It was in a punch bowl and I was thirsty. I hadn't eaten much, but it dehibilitated me this morning. I woke up with the devil in my head and the sickness in my tummy. I would get so dizzy and I eventually puked. Tra-la!

I have class and movie stuff this week. Free work on Tuesday and Wednesday. Oh then to fake classes, I've read some of the articles and books. I am faking it so well and feeling guilty for having used it as an excuse. School is rough, when in actuality it's not. It's all part of the boredom of this life I'm leading. It'll change soon enough.

This coming week is a social festival. Housewarming parties, roommate's birthday, friend's birthday, a school play and other such activities are planned. I hate structured plans, but I intend to complete all of them. I hope I can keep the energy going.

A new attitude. Time for sleep. Early morning tomorrow.

Saturday, February 21

A Small Thing

A moment worth remembering. . .
IGUANA: Good night.
GUY: Night.
(They move in and quickly peck on the lips.)
GUY: Oh that kiss wasn't wet enough, here's another.
IGUANA: Huh?
(The GUY moves in and kisses IGUANA quickly for a second time. This time with a little more spit.)

BLACKOUT
It's little things like this.

Friday, February 20

That's It Folks



When you're lost in the rain in Juarez
And it's Eastertime too
And your gravity fails
And negativity don't pull you through
Don't put on any airs
When you're down on Rue Morgue Avenue
They got some hungry women there
And they really make a mess outa you

Now if you see Saint Annie
Please tell her thanks a lot
I cannot move
My fingers are all in a knot
I don't have the strength
To get up and take another shot
And my best friend, my doctor
Won't even say what it is I've got

Sweet Melinda
The peasants call her the goddess of gloom
She speaks good English
And she invites you up into her room
And you're so kind
And careful not to go to her too soon
And she steals your voice
And leaves you howling at the moon

Up on Housing Project Hill
It's either fortune or fame
You must pick up one or the other
Though neither of them are to be what they claim
If you're lookin' to get silly
You better go back to from where you came
Because the cops don't need you here
And man they expect the same

Now all the authorities
They just stand around and boast
How they blackmailed the sergeant-at-arms
Into getting up and leaving his post
And picking up Angel who
Just arrived down here from the coast
Who looked so fine at first
But left looking just like a ghost

I started out on burgundy
But soon hit the harder stuff
Everybody said they'd stand behind me
When the game got rough
But it was all a big joke
There was nobody even there to bluff
I'm going back to New York City
I do believe I've had enough

It's coming. Take this for now, while I write.

Wednesday, February 18

Ah, But Underneath



Surprisingly enough. I used to do a similar dance in my bedroom to this song when I was 13.

Tuesday, February 17

The Week I Have Known About For a Year

It's here, the week that I haven't looked forward to for a year. It's hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know if there's a way to explain myself. I am going to write and if it comes out in a way that makes sense. I shall be content at that.

It's a day. February 20th is a day. There is the stresses of life. The movie, college, love, unemployment and the future. There are the stresses of the year. Health, blood, loneliness, depression and the struggle to find a balance in it all.

I woke up yesterday morning. A Monday. As usual I felt tense and unsure. I did not want to go to the movie set because that's an unnecessary stress. An added worry. I feel like I'm shirking responsibility. I haven't been there today either. I will return tomorrow, but it leaves me terrified. Just being there. I will not quit and only a few weeks until it's all through. Then it will be complete.

I will hope that in that time I can gather strength to continue on with it. How do you explain to people that you just can't deal with it? I feel the need to be alone, but when I'm alone I feel like I want company.

Recently, I've just felt like the awareness of my situation is not helping. Tonight I made dinner. I am cooking full meals. Something a year ago I could never do. I made dinner for my roommate and a member from group. He says he doesn't think about his status. I suddenly felt like a child babbling about something I didn't understand. I just talk out of nervousness, I'm a scared person.

How can I get to this point where it's a non-issue. I'm not trying to be a martyr, it's just always there. When can I get to the point where it's like an unseemly birthmark? It's there, but I've learned to live with it.

My Mark of Caine returned because I have blood taken. Looking at a bruise on my arm can open a door. Thinking of a stupid date can do these things too.

Just ignore it then! It's a day, it was no different than two February's ago. Or four February's ago, except for the fact it is.

Sometimes I just want to be held until I can't breath and I'm forced to either scream or cry. Yet, the person will not let go until I have exhausted my emotions to the point of breaking. I want to sit there and scream.

I want therapy. I will get therapy. The anxiety that comes from simple tasks like calling and finding out information. The clarity of my mind says to do is ASAP, but the fogginess says to hold off.

I want to be a defined person. No more dramatic events, no more worrisome nights. No more loneliness. I know what I want to do it and sometimes I'm tired of just trying. Always pushing. There's always another step, there's always the advice, the offers and suggestions.

I'm going to sleep and keeping it in mind that when I wake. I will be better. I will feel better.

Sunday, February 15

A Valentine Day Massacre

When the heart is lonely it will find company.

I woke up yesterday at 1 PM and was feeling the effects of booze, drugs and go-go boys. Despite that, I decided to run at the gym and live the day normally. My friend told me to ignore that it was Valentine's Day, which is possible to do. How can one ignore roses being sold on the street and giant heart shaped balloons? How can you ignore people holding hands and being more cuddly that normal in public?

I decided once I returned home from the gym that I was going to cook some chicken and see if I could find someone to come over to cook for. I tried asking my Non-Date from the other night, but I don't want to come off as non-needy.

I finally settled on Honey Mustard Chicken with baby carrots. I needed to run to the market though to pick up some missing ingredients. As I entered the market in 3.5 seconds faster than I expected I saw my Neighbor from the Super Bowl. Yes, one of the two who offered to DP me. Oh what a world we live in.
IGUANA: Hey! How are you? (Despondently) Happy Valentine's Day. What are you doing here?

NEIGHBOR: Hey! Just picking up some food. So far I'm making dinner for me, myself and I. What about you?

IGUANA: I'm making dinner for myself tonight. I just needed to get some things. Are you spending tonight with your boyfriend?

NEIGHBOR: No. Just me tonight.

IGUANA: Oh, okay. Well see you later.

Yes, I suddenly had an agenda.
IGUANA: Hey. By the way, can I get your number? My roommate mentioned how you guys wanted to watch Weeds.

NEIGHBOR: Oh yes, no problem. (Rattles off number)

IGUANA: Are you really having dinner alone tonight?

NEIGHBOR: Yes.

IGUANA: Do you-- Uh-- Want to have dinner together?

NEIGHBOR: Yes, of course!
So I ran home and we made plans to meet in a couple of hours. An hour before he texted "I'm buying Rum and Coke, can you get straws?" Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? was cast and ready to go.

I showed up and we drank. And drank. And drank. I drank simply to keep up with him, I knew alcohol was how he kept his nerve. We have more in common than I expected and he loves his boyfriend. His boyfriend also does not sleep with him for reasons I shall keep between us. I'm not in love, nor am I in lust. I just needed the company.

I would write more, but it's his life and he has told me some things. Tips and advice. That can be beneficial to my future. I will see him again, I am sure.

Saturday, February 14

At The Bar Tonight . . .

It's past 4 AM. That's fine. I am tired, but full of life.

I saw Harring tonight with a new guy. We ignored each other, but I could feel him look at me, as I looked at him. I held my own and was graceful. There was a moment when my heartbeat increased drastically. I was nervous, but I calmed down as other people began to hit on me.

I know that it was his problem and my friend told him, "I'm not speaking to you." When he tried to start up a conversation with him. I was happy he said that, people care about me and my feelings.

I am on good terms again with the Hot Dumpling. Which is terrific. It's all healed and complete, hurrah, hurrah, hurray. Tomorrow I will be fine because I know I am attractive, but single because I don't have the time. I didn't feel jealousy and though I felt nervous at one point. I was strong and forceful. I felt good-looking and desirable. That's good enough for now.

Friday, February 13

Ending the Night With Something . . .

It was a trying day. I had to work on maintaining a positive demeanor. I did it though, I think I lost myself for a minute, but of an 9 hour day, that's pretty good.

I got a haircut for free. Of that, I am grateful. I played Wardrobe Supervisor pretty well. I started to enjoy myself a little. Oh to be paid for these experiences, it'll be Ecstasy!

My roommate got a gig in Florida. I need a temporary roommate to take her place for April and May. This won't be bad, but it's a little stressful. I'm totally proud of her for getting a job and to get to go to Florida, I envy that. I will be here, and someone must fill that bedroom.

Tomorrow I get my blood taken. Those 7-10 vials are always an unexplainable feeling. It's weird to not have that worried week after. Where you wonder if you find out the results. What will you do? No there is no worry about that. Now it becomes a fun game of numbers. What is up and what is down.

My numbers have been steady, my doctor doesn't make a big fuss about anything. I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not. In a way I want to know. I know many people who have their numbers memorized from test to test.

I just know that I will hopefully be healthier. I wonder. Let it be known, they have been pretty good to date. Famous last words.

Saturday is Valentine's Day. I don't know how I feel about this. I just don't know. I won't have a Valentine, I may go see Coraline with my friends. That sounds like a stellar day indeed! Who knows. These days anything is possible.

Thursday, February 12

Another Day On Set

Expecting people to give their free time for 12+ Hours is somewhat ridiculous to me. Despite that, I will be on set from approximately 2PM to 1AM. Oh phew, they just got under 12 hours. I'm grateful.

I'm swallowing my pride, annoyance and anger. I am going to be calm. There are lots of other people at their wits end. I am annoyed by my tongue and how sharp it's become. This month has turned me into a stressed out monster. We're going to be better, starting right now.

Last night I went on a non-date with a guy from Group. We rode throughout Brooklyn on a Vespa. He spent the night on my couch. We both are good at following rules. Another Hot Dumpling, which is funny that I'd run into two in such short time.

The Vespa ride was the best part of the night. The dinner, his company and the live music were all terrific too, but to ride around this city. The air, night and city passing by. Having a conversation with someone, while you cling for dear life. I was terrified but invigorated.

Then when the rain came, how funny. It wasn't a sexually charged date, just two people enjoying life. It was pleasant and it got tricky as the night moved on. He spent the night, on my couch. Which makes me laugh and I appreciate that he had that strength. In my state, I don't think I'd have that willpower.

It's what we're working on right now. You need to gain back those morals.

Oh, I'd write more, but that damned movie calls. Calm, calm, calm. I shall be calm and graceful. Bringing books and homework to look at in the downtime, I'll probably end up on set for shoots, but I can switch off with someone.

Grant me the strength . . .

Wednesday, February 11

A Long Weekend

I have no class on Thursday through Monday. I will be doing nothing, except working on this movie. Celebrating Valentine's day alone [or not, yet to be determined]. I'll be riding on a Vespa tonight. Across the Brooklyn Bridge, hopefully. This is a non-date. I am caging that animal inside.

Monday, February 9

A Letter to My Father. Which He Never Shall Read.

Dear Dad,

We have not been close. I don't think either of us can deny that fact. You had my brother and mom had me. That was the deal, right? For some reason I developed an intense fear of you. You terrified me, you were the man who represented everything I could never be. These issues seem so cliche! Yet, I suppose in the way my life is turning out, cliches are something I do best.

In youm, I saw my opposite, but perhaps this is how it was supposed to be. For if these developments, these fears had never happened. I would never have discovered what I did tonight.

I am emotionally damaged right now. When I speak to you, I can tell you know this too. It confuses you. You also have a tired sound and it amazes me that you can do these things in such a constant state of weariness. The father I have resisted my whole life finally broke through tonight. You broke the shell at Christmas and it caught me off guard. Tonight I was a little more prepared.

I thank you for just laying out the facts. You also reprimanded me for yelling at Mother in the subtlest way possible. I was blind sighted by this and I have to say: Good technique. I feel like a wild tiger that has finally be tamed. [Okay, that's a creepy metaphor. I'm just saying that you totally impressed me tonight.]

I fully understand that you are my father and I beg for forgiveness for my lack of respect. You treated me like an equal tonight. You spoke to me like a human being. I thank you once again.

As for the issues with Mother. They were resolved and her place in my story is not yet determined. I fear where it could go, I know the power I have over her. I also know that I get many negative traits from her. Spiteful words and erratic emotions. She was a mess after I hung up the phone, I knew this and felt it in my soul. I will always be the first to apologize because she is the Matriarch and without her I would not be alive.

I am trying to change and I know you only know 1/3 of the entire story. I put these cracks in the foundation because I have been filled with so much curiosity. I feel that I have begun my life. Unfortunately for our family, it will be known as the son who never came back. Maybe someday I will tell you and we shall see the results of that. Until then, let's just enjoy what we both know tonight.

Your Son,
E.Iguana

Who Is At Fault?; A Study in Stubbornness

Who Is At Fault; Or A Study in Stubbornness

(IGUANA and MOM are talking on the phone. IGUANA is doing things around campus, while MOM is sitting in the kitchen. They are about five minutes into a conversation.)

MOM: How is work going?

IGUANA: I need to talk with dad. I don't want to talk about jobs and money with you anymore.

MOM: Okay? Why not?

IGUANA: Listen, I really don't want to get into it. I just know that it's not going to help matters.

MOM: Oh, really. . .

IGUANA: I know if I talk about this, you'll get mad. So there's no point, I just have come to this decision that I need to talk to dad about it and not you. I will tell you when I have a job and if I have money. . .

MOM: Oh. Well. Then. I'm gonna go and pick up your brother. . .

IGUANA: Oh, don't do that. I just know--

MOM: Why won't you talk to me about your job then!?

IGUANA: Listen, you think back to what you said last week. I was insulted . . .

MOM: You told me what I should be doing with me life. You think that's fair? You told me what I should be doing with my money! What about a "Thank you" for all the things we've done for you up to this point?

IGUANA: I appreciate it, and I know I will forever be bound to you for these things. I said you should sell your car. As a jok--

MOM: Do you think that's fair? You told me what I should do. If you wanna talk about rude. . .

IGUANA: Listen, I know. That's why I am not talking about these things with you. I said something and you responded and that response took me by surprise. I have made my decisions on what to talk and not talk about with you. I will talk to dad about money and job issues from now on.

MOM: Well, that's fine! I have news for you. Every money issue discussed in this house goes through me. So anything you tell your father. I will know!
Now I'd like to take a moment in this scene to stop and take a breath. I will admit, the next part is my fault.
IGUANA: That is terrific. I am still going to talk to him. I know that I am no longer going to rely on you for support. I don't want to anymore. I just feel like you haven't been respecting--

MOM: Oh. Okay. You need to--

IGUANA: (Shouting) Oh. Okay. Just downplay my emotions some more! I will TALK TO YOU LATER! (Hangs up phone.)
Seriously, what kind of ending line is that?

Friday, February 6

It Truly Is The Cruelest Month

It's February, it slipped up on me. There's too many hidden memories that can slip up on me this month. Oh, it's a tricky month!

I was set off this evening when the costume designer asked me why I was in a fragile state of mind? When I was telling him about the Harring Letter. He did it in front of a few people I did not know. It put me in a state. Also, the fact that he is a Hot Dumpling and therefore lacks certain emotions.

My emotions are my own. I am the only one who owns them and if they are a little crazy. That is my business. I would love medication of some sort. The moment I get a job I think I am going to work toward this. The movie business is a touch ridiculous, people working for long hours and not getting paid. I feel it's only a matter of time before someone cracks.

This is how I am going to envision my life progressing for the next 3.5 months. I will look for a job and find one. I will start to make money and save money. To which I will eventually graduate college. That's all I care for right now, it's a time to prove myself. I've been bothered since on Feb 1st, my mother said: Iguana, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my life to support yours.

Then perhaps you should not have had children. Moving home will never happen. It's not even an option I am allowing into my life.

I ask here and now
[as I doomed my fate with Harring by declaring him just a third character in my Tall Man Epilogue] that the universe allow me to uphold all these requests. Give me diligence and energy to find a job and stay living in the city. Give me strength and reason to be happy daily, for I need to remember to love myself. It's time to prove oneself and right now there is so much uncertainty to the future. I ask to rise above it and live my life to it's fullest. I may have shown an excess of emotion in the last week or so, and I am willing to accept the negative energy. This is who I am and this is the only way I know how to react. I want to get better. I truly do.

This is my request to the universe.

Thursday, February 5

Yes, I Did Send It . . .

Here is my FUCKING closure. I know this makes me a fucking awful person. I hate that I can write something like this and send it to a person. I did and I somewhat regret it. I just don't think it's necessarily fair to tell someone things like, "I can't wait to return and help you feel happy again." Then go onto ignoring me and acting as if I didn't even exist.
Harring,

If respecting my "fragile state of mind" means ignoring me completely, then I guess you are going to be that way. I wish you luck in your life and hope you success someday in ever validating your feelings with another person. I don't know what happened and probably never will, nor do I necessarily care.

I just know that I don't care enough if someone is going to just pretend that they are interested in me, but then proceed to ignore me. I will forever associate you with this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX-bIr8dr6U

Good luck and if I ever do see you out in public. Don't be surprised if I treat you with the same disdain you did with me.

Love,
E.Iguana

P.S. Your "films" need major work.

Tuesday, February 3

If You Should. . .

An Unorthodox Haiku:
If you should see me
In the street white with snowfall
Please give me love.

For I need it so.

Sunday, February 1

You Had To Wipe Me Off The Walls

Tonight at the Super Bowl Party (my first, believe it or not). I had two hot gay guys offer to Double Penetrate me sometime if I wanted. It was mild joking, but considering the turnout of this week and where it's ended up. I almost imploded from the sexual frustration I've been feeling these days. I was shaking at one point.

Breath, breath, breath.

The kicker is the one guy lives a block away.

I know what I'm going to bring up in the Support Group tomorrow.