Friday, October 31

Better Midler = Halloween



Happy Halloween! It wasn't until 1993 when I saw this movie that I truly knew what it was to be both a Gay Man and a Witch.

Thursday, October 30

The Plague

I was talking with a friend from high school tonight about life. She called because she feels guilty for jumping into Graduate School to soon. I'm one of the belief that I try to treat friend's problems as if they all equally important. We all develop differently, and if going to Grad School to early is what aches your heart, who am I to disagree?

So I listened and I tried to tell her that she needs to grow and that what she will be doing in ten years won't have any repercussions because you went to Grad School right after college. The world is falling apart, feel glad you'll have gone through it without having to have dealt with real life.

Then she uttered, "I am still a little weirded out with you being...you know?"

To which I responded, "What with my affliction to the plague?" I told her that she needed to realize that what I have isn't some rare disease anymore, that I'm not an imaginary figure somehow come to life. That what I have has been around since before we were born. I do not what to be viewed as some tragic victim. As if the me now, is any less of a person than he was years ago.

Perhaps I am a little less of a person. I still will not just sit around and talk about myself as if I'm some legendary figure. It bothered me more than I figured it would.

This is my life, it's no less normal than yours. We just want to be normal here.

Normal people have issues too.

Normal. Issues.

Wednesday, October 29

Gay Love Signs: Cancer

A friend gave me this book. Here's what it says about Cancers. See if you can see me in this:

Symbol: The Crab

Ruling Planet: The Moon

Colors: Pale blues and greens.

Natural House Ruler ship: Fourth House, the house of the home and the family

Fourth House Traits: Desire for emotional security and regard for the past

Motto: I FEEL

Element: Water Sign (Emotional)

Parts of the Body: Chest and stomach

Now select quotes:

As a Cardinal sign, your instinct is to lead with your creative, intelligence and quick wit. At the same time, however, your innate shyness holds you back. You question yourself , weighing your need for affection and recognition against your fear of rejection, ridicule or failure.

Extreme sensitivity is both your prime talent and your biggest obstacle in developing a successful personality. You are intuitive, but the shifting sands of your moods cause you to doubt your ability to act upon your feelings. You need a sound affectionate continuity in your life to give you emotional security in a sea of change.

Cancer is blessed with the power of intuition. You can see someone who attracts your interests or attention and file them away in your memory. Your paths will mysteriously intersect in the future, almost as if you had willed it. Often, these chance encounters will reveal important associations in your life. In similar ways, your sex partners are "chosen for you."

Worry and doubt can nibble at your consciousness like the tides eroding the shoreline of self-confidence. Your imagination is so finely tuned that you can fall prey to unwarranted paranoia. A glance, a sigh, a hesitation or an overheard remark can etch itself in your brain and send you into gloomy despair or delicious rapture.

As you become more sexually experienced and self-assured, you learn to cope with anonymous or casual partners. But your need for gentle and affectionate contact can become frustrated in the search for uninvolved sex because Cancers tend to size up each trick as a potential partner.

Many Cancers live too much in the past, failing to take advantage of the present. You keep your secret hurts and fears to yourself, and yet you long for a lover with whom you can be open and vulnerable.

It's weird, the whole thing. It rings true, perhaps cause it's vague, but it's me to the small details.

A friend from high school's mother passed away today. It's weird how life works, memories of people you push back in your mind. It makes you think about how we archive memories. Which ones gain precedence over others. When people tell me memories of high school, that I can't remember. Does that mean I neglected to see the significance in keeping that memory close?

I remember being in 8th grade and going to an elementary school. I was volunteering for their after school drama program. It was myself and another classmate. The girl who would eventually try and "save" me from being a homosexual.

My friend's mother ran the program and we put on two plays. I got to know young 5th Graders who wanted to be "stars" in the show. It was a fun and pleasant time.

Such an interesting memory to show up.

Two-a-Day

Saw Speed-The-Plow last night and for the first time in a while. I will say. Bravo, Raul Esparza, bravo. The whole show was terrific though. I've never experienced Mamet before and his writing is like music. The first act was like a duet, so quick and rapid that I loved getting lost in the beat of the music they were creating.

Tonight I'm seeing Dividing the Estate by Horton Foote. I'm seeing it to witness Elizabeth Ashley at least once in my life. I believe that anyone who has played Maggie the Cat will live forever. Elizabeth Ashley's immortal, isn't she?

Elizabeth gave me a little purple hat to wear. I need to buy a winter hat. My head is freezing, but I haven't had a chance to buy one. I won't just buy any old hat, so I need the time to look. Does anyone still wear a hat?

San Francisco in a week. I am eager to leave, but I feel so odd. I'm abandoning school so easily. I have things due back when I return, but I hopefully will work on them before or during the trip. I say that very sarcastically, but I'm sure I'll have some down time. We do have some plans so far. Going out to Alcatraz. I do love a trip by boat to an island along with a tape recorded audio tour! Oh, that will be very grand. Also we plan on doing this. Big hats and variety acts!

By chance of fate I started reading The Beautiful Room Is Empty by Edmund White on the train ride home this evening. I think it's in my future to write a coming-of-age gay novel. I read these books and find the same thought processes that the narrators have. Am I a literary character? Are my thoughts original at all? How did I have them before I read these books? With the end of my life be just two words: The End?

If it's destiny, than who am I to interfere?

Lastly, I leave you with:

Monday, October 27

Mondays, Midterms and Morose Feelings

My parent's visit brought about the news that my Alcoholic Aunt's possible addiction to "Crack-Cocaine". I had to stop myself before my jaw fell through the floor.

I am well versed in the world of drugs, this is a fact, but to hear that my Aunt is living with a dealer/user, makes me want to call the police because it's only a matter of time before this woman is lost for good.

I suppose it's been about six years since it was revealed to my family about her addiction to Alcohol. She went to rehab about 6 times and has fallen off the wagon every time. I know what "Crack-Cocaine" can turn you into. My parents talked about it as if it were just another issue (my dad put a lot of time and energy trying to help her recover) mainly cause they still think she's just drinking. I hinted that this may not be the case, and that they should watch an episode of Intervention, to get an idea of where she may be heading.

Onto other news though:

I went out to a club with my friends. Oh, the night life. Alcohol and Chelsea Boys! At one point during the night a fierce drag queen anounced:
"Gurl! No one does Cocaine anymore! It's all about E! Oh--Are you getting coke? Gurl! Get me some!"
It's lines like that, which make me love staying up until 6:30 am. It's encounters like this that make me love experiencing Chelsea Boys:
(It's 3:30 AM, last call. IGUANA sits on a couch. He is rolling. He also is bopping his head to the music. A HOT GUY IN GLASSES [HGIG] walks over and begins to address the DRAG QUEEN [DQ sitting next to him. IGUANA watches the following conversation, but says nothing, cause he enjoys watching people act like he's not there.)

HGIG: Does he want to dance?
DQ: Excuse me?
HGIG: Is he alone?
DQ: Yes, he is alone...You know he's right there?

(IGUANA nods his head to the music, smiles and says nothing.)

HGIG: You know, you have great arms!
IGNAUA: Yes, I work out.
HGIG: I love your arms, they're great? You're so hot.
IGUANA: Heh. Thanks.
HGIG: Does he look this way in the daylight, he's so cute! Does he have a boyfriend?

(IGUANA smiles.)

DQ: Yes, he is this adorable in the sunlight. No, he's single. He's still RIGHT there.
HGIG: Do you wanna come home with me? Would you follow me anywhere?
IGUANA:
(Laughs) Where do you live?
HGIG: That doesn't matter. Would you follow me anywhere?
IGUANA: Huh?
HGIG: Would you follow me around the corner?
IGUANA: Uh, sure? Do you live around--
HGIG: That doesn't matter. Here, come dance with me.

(HGIG stands up and walks onto the dance floor. Without missing a beat the DQ says:)

DQ: Follow him!

(Pushes IGUANA onto the floor and he flows behind the HGIG. The HGIG leads him onto the dance floor.)


HGIG:
(Suddenly turns) Want a piece of gum?
IGUANA: Oh. Okay.

(Takes it and pops it into his mouth. Without a moments pause the HGIG grabs IGUANA and presses IGUANA's crotch into his ass. They dance for about 2.5 seconds.)


HGIG:
(Points off into the huge crowd of dancing men.) See those guys? Over there?
IGUANA:
(Not seeing.) Yea, sure?
HGIG: They want to have a five-some.
IGUANA:
(Beat) I'm gonna go sit back down.
HGIG: Aw.

(IGUANA walks back to his chair next to his DRAG QUEEN friend. She is stunned.)

DQ: Gurl! What happened?
IGUANA: He wanted to have a five-some apparently. He sort of just pointed to the entire dance floor and proclaimed it! Plus, he pulled MY crotch to HIS ass. Ha!
DG: Tweaked out freak. Hot, but made one fatal move.
(Laughs)
(BLACKOUT)
Ah, romance. I would never go home with someone I just met at last call. Especially someone who wasn't making any sense. He was indeed hot and a five-some would've lead to an interesting tale. It was just a street I did not want to go down again. I was just on that street only two weeks ago.

I had fun nonetheless. It's good to be with friends.

This year's Halloween Costume is going to be:

Sex Pig; Or A Chelsea Boy

Update of My Weekend

This will be quick. Expect more on certain topics later.
  1. My parents visited and bought me a new bookshelf and coffee table. The bookshelf is a dream, it's so tall and there's room for books. I've finished reading The Phantom Tollbooth and I'm moving onto The Beautiful Room is Empty. What a vast difference, eh?
  2. My roommates been gone for the weekend I miss her dearly. She returns today.
  3. School is annoying. The play is done and I feel like life has gotten more busy. My school denied me Work-Study because my parents are rich, therefore I am rich too.
  4. San Francisco trip on Nov. 5th! I need to escape and just go!
  5. I went out with friends to a club on Saturday night. There was a birthday party full of bears and I'm not talking about wild life. I felt like Jane Goodall though.
  6. At the club a very handsome man asked me to be in a five-some. I turned him down.
  7. I read about Cancers in my Gay Love Signs Astrological Book. Holy shit, I'm a Cancer 105%.
That is all for now. Poor Jennifer Hudson, why isn't Sarah Palin be tormented? What did J.Hud do besides win an Oscar?

And why does she look like Eva Peron...

Don't cry for me, Mississippi.

Saturday, October 25

And This Article Will Help Me Stop Smoking

As well as keep me smoking...

It's illegal again, why? Oh, yes. Nancy Reagan. Any problems in the world, I blame on the Reagan family.

Thursday, October 23

My Plans Tonight...

  • I am making a nice TV Dinner from Kashi. Love their food.
  • I am going to watch an episode of Cowboy Bebop, it's been a while since I've watched that.
  • I am going to snake the toilet, which will give me the chance to play around with fecal matter.
Who needs unconditional love when you've got a life like mine?

Speaking My Mind

I wrote this for the new Department Chair in my Program. It may seem a little harsh, but it's been a rough three years. Has it not?

Being a Theatre B.A. at Brooklyn College
By E.Iguana

I transfered to Brooklyn College three years ago with all intents and purpose to be a Theatre B.A. I didn’t want to be a Theatre B.F.A. I find this important to state first because it would show that there is no resentment to a program that I landed in because I was rejected from the other. I transfered from Pratt Institute, where I was a Computer Graphics major, so I was entering from a private college into a CUNY School. Though there is Bureaucracy in both schools, they have both been vastly different.

The lack of Academic Adviser was a big shock when I first came to this school. The Chair of the Department should not be the Academic Adviser! A personal example would be that in my three years of being here I have had Rose _____, Tom ______, Christina _______ and now you (Laura _______) as my “Academic Adviser.” I haven’t had a moment where I felt like anyone necessarily cared if I graduated or how I am doing in my progression through the program.

The lack of Academic Adviser really shocked my roommate who is a recent alumni of the SUNY University of Buffalo in the Musical Theatre Program. She told me that one of her Godsends was having an Academic Adviser who was a resource for her classes and degree progression.

My only response to my roommate is that I have to keep track of my classes and am never sure if I am on the right path. Especially since the Theatre B.A. requirements changed (My Degree Progress is my only “form” of Academic Adviser and it too changed with the new requirements). Since finding this out I haven’t been sure if I am close to graduating or not. Last semester I planned my schedule out for this year before I realized the degree progress I’d been using had changed. Since no one in our department informed me that this was happening, I almost took several classes that I didn’t need to graduate.

Additional to all of this, whenever I did need to see the Chair for permissions, I found it incredibly difficult. I have always believed that a professor posts office hours for the students, so they know when they should visit. Never once in my three years here has the Department Chair ever been “free” during their office hours. They were in meetings with other professors or not there at all. Not to mention that when time for scheduling for the next semester came around I could clearly see the list Rose _______ posted on her door for the B.F.A. students to meet with her for permissions. I often wondered why this way of conducting business was never passed onto the B.A. students.

I was going to bring up the Theatre B.A. requirement classes, but I think with the new requirements you have addressed some of theses issues. My only wish is that I had had the chance to focus more on a particular field. I realized recently I am interested in Costumes, but since I was required only to take two classes of it, it seems to have ended there. Not to mention that despite taking four drafting classes (Stagecraft, Scenographic Techniques, Scenic Design and Lighting Design) I still have come to the conclusion that designing sets and lights will never be for me.

I know that the program strives to expose us the several options of career paths in the theatre. However, students should be given the option to focus on a specific concentration after taking intro classes. The B.F.A. students obviously focus on acting, why can’t I pick a path I enjoy and go further with that?

In the last three years whenever anyone asks me what I want to do, my only answer has been: I don’t know. This was not for lack of effort on my part, I just felt like the vastly diverse classes weren’t helping me to narrow down my decision.

I hope that these issues can be dealt with because they are fixable, but important for any student’s well being in college. I have met students who are going on their 5th year without ever taking a break! Though their issues are their own, I just believe that being a B.A. student does not mean you have to be put to the back burner. The last three years Brooklyn College has shown me that perhaps that has been the case. I thank you for giving me a chance to speak my mind and hope this can be of some help.

27 Minutes and 54 Seconds

I am giving myself 27 minutes and 54 seconds to write all on my mind and be done with it. Thats the total length of songs I've purchased on iTunes. Shirley Bassey, The Womenfolk, Regina Bell, Patti LaBelle and Radiohead. Okay, here we go...

It's all just a little bit of history repeating.

I am through with my play, that is a good thing. I am no longer required to work for my school for free...or am I? So the moment this show closed my mind went into work mode. It's not good to be idle. That's why I never would make a proper domestic. Sitting at home is not for me. AND.

I have recently come to a big decision in my life.

The last three years have been ones of confusion and restlessness. Of growing and learning constantly. I have spent three years telling people, "I don't know." When asked what I want to do when I finish school. I always knew that my passion was for theatre, but that was simply it. What did I want to do though?

Theatre Management? Casting? Wardrobe? Dramaturgy? Grad School? Leaving the city? It's all been up and downs. When you're fighting to survive and to keep your head. When you're learning to grow earlier than most. When is there time to make these decisions?

Then the plague entered my life. Things became difficult. Things were still.

All I Ask Of You.

I stopped progressing. I stopped staying motivated. Before the days of constant darkness and worries, I was able to work my way to China! How can I so easily be stopped? It wasn't my choice to stop. It was going to happen sooner or later.

It wasn't just the news of this event. I have an exact date. April 1, 2008. That's when life officially stopped moving, for an undecided amount of time. The Tall Man cut the last thread to my sanity and without my permission, I felt the walls all around me crumble.

Perhaps I'm being melodramatic? How can I not see a silver lining through all this? You're kidding right?

Moving along, my thoughts get so cluttered.

Until recently, I have come to the conclusion that I would like to persue a career in being a Wardrobe Dresser. How humorous. It's attainable, it's not outside of my reach and I have the motivation to do it.

Get The Party Started.

As usual I pick a career that college can't prepare me for. Yet, without college how was I ever going to discover I liked working backstage and in that way? So I suppose I can't say college didn't lead to this.

My parents are coming down to visit this weekend and they plan on buying me furniture. We also will discuss the comedy that is my taking loans out for school. I'll get to that by the next song, though. I plan on telling my parents that I want to be a dresser. I will also tell them how it's actually a career that people can live comfortably with.

If I eventually get into the Wardrobe Union I will be getting very good pay and health benefits as well as all that other fun stuff people strive for. Like a 401 K. Yes, Dressers have a 401 K. A pension!

Ticky-Tacky-Ticky-Tacky-ummmm

As for loans. My mother calls and tells me that I will need to get a job. The silly woman doesn't understand that I haven't spent five years in college just to "get" a job. I know logical sense says to get one and I will get one. I just fear spending another two years working in a job that ultimately will not do anything for me.

I was a financial printer for two years. I gained immeasurable computer skills and decent pay for a student. In the long run of the life I want to lead. What will knowing how to code in ASCII & HTML or knowing how to layout a page do for me? Does my point make sense?

If I could, I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes.

I will eventually cave in a few days and admit I will need to get a mediocre job in the meantime. I hate it because right now is the time I have the opportunity to work for free as a dresser to gain experience. Yet all I can do is wait for these "opportunities" to come my way. Trust me I have all my resources on the patrol. It's only been three days since the play ended.

I have been getting myself upset because I am looking into the wardrobe career path and as I said I can do it. All I lack is experience outside of college. Apparently college experience counts for squat in the city. Then the Union seems so bizarre with their rules. I can't work Broadway shows until I'm Registered, but I can't be registered until I get experience. So I need to work Off-Broadway (but the economy the way it is, that's more difficult nowadays) and other non-equity shows. Most time this work will be for free, so there won't be an income in any of this.

You are my friend. I never knew it til then. My friend.

Then there's the other option, which would have to come after I graduated. This would be leaving the city. Irony is an overused nowadays. I will need to leave the city in order to work in it. I am not against this option at all, I would tour with a show no problem.

Right now it seems it's going to fall down on luck. As life often does, I just need to hope I stumble upon something and it takes me away. I just know that if I finish college and don't strive for it, there's a big chance this could end up another pipe dream.

I am a defeatist by nature. I have always felt behind. This is the first time though that I refuse to surrender, I know I can do it. For the first time in months I have felt driven, I have felt motivated. Like I know what I want to do out in the world, at least for now. It may seem so funny, while people write of wanting to be a doctor or lawyer. I want to be a Dresser.

Wake from your sleep. The drying of your tears. Today. We escape, we escape.

I'll allow it. I'll allow myself to feel hope. I will try to not give up, as I have in the past. It's a feeling like a knot in your stomach. I have tried a gun-ho approach in the last couple days and my impatience (for I am that way) has expected it to just fall into my lap. Yet, it's been dead end after dead end. If it's not going to the Wardrobe Union for a New Union Members Orientation (an accident), or finding out because my parents made $100,000 dollars in 2007 I can't even do work study through my school (Those that said to stay in college for as long as you can, obviously didn't have the same experience I have been having), or just finding out that there's many dressers out in the world and my experience ranks in low on the totem pole (see above).

As I have hopefully gotten across I am trying. No, not trying. I am doing. It simply must be done.

27 minutes and 54 seconds through. Goodnight.

Wednesday, October 22

Take That Look Off Your Face

How gay is this?




It made me smile today.

Biting My Lip

I feel tears.

I've spent months feeling empty and unmotivated. Recently I've felt passionate and like for once I know the direction I want to go. Then when I try to go on way I hit a wall before I even get going. I turn around and realized there's walls on all sides of me.

I must join a friend for dinner. I am a defeatist, but something in my body says I can't give up and I suppose that's a good sign. Perhaps I'm like Don Quioxte and just living the Impossible Dream. Why not?

Except more on this later.

Mama Wants To Sing

Tonight is the first time I'll have taken Ambien that is prescribed to me. I'm not a stranger to them, which surprises no one. I'm going to lay down, the doctor said to take one 3o mins before I wanted to sleep.

I'm not going to get hooked, because I don't have many to take. I just wanna sleep, that's all.

Monday, October 20

I Will Admit

I skipped class. After the week of continuous motion, I needed to not leave my apartment. I also needed to work on my Scenic Design Project. In my opinion it's nothing short of awful, I can't build models. It's not a "skill" I am just going to suddenly pick up. Also, the lack of time just didn't help either.

I sat on the floor of my living room and looked off into space. There was a few minutes in the evening, I'd say around 4:37. I looked around the living room and felt alone again. The way the lights passed through the window, turning the room into a golden hue. There was silence as my laptop changed from one song to the next. I felt like I could see the particles in the air.

I looked down at my model, let out a huge sigh, and continued on "building" What went through my mind at that moment was a feeling of confusion and calmness. It seemed as if time had stopped for a longer than it should have.

I can't wait for this seasonal depression to just pass by. I've been recommended to speak with the New Chair of my College as my experience as a B.A. I declined the offer, but told the woman I would send her an essay. It's a cunning move on my part, it'll let me articulate my issues with the last three years. Which aren't that many, but are severe enough to merit a letter.

It's time to watch Oz. Perhaps that will pass the depression out of me. A Prison Drama with Broadway Divas will surely help.

A Universal Reminder

There will be no sadness in this entry! This week has been slightly intense. It was busy and hectic. With reminders of depression and unhappiness. I remembered the touch of skin and the feel of lips. It made me weak. The season change, full moon, cold weather and being at school all night. They have all played a roll in upsetting my equilibrium.

I wanted to depend on someone again. I wanted to believe that someone out there had my best interests in mind. Someone who does not fully understand who I am or how I work. I often forget that the eccentricities of my mind, are not understood by normal people. Poor, unfortunate, normal souls. The music I can hear, that most can't, sometimes seems worth the trade-off.

I got weak and I began to hate myself again. Just because two men told you they were only interested in fucking you? It's a cruel reminder sometimes and it hurts more than most people can understand. Yet, to most ears, it probably sounds foolish.

The problems with keeping my breath and heartbeat controlled. I get restless, being alone in my room. My roommate being out at the time and the unexpected text message. An offer I could not refuse.

So I returned into the garden. I should not have gone back into the garden, I didn't plan on going back. I feel guilty and a little upset this time, because I was doing so well. I just need a few days to break the after effects off. It'll be difficult, but I've gotten through it before.

Then the days after came. The moment two nights ago when my roommate was upfront and honest with me. I respect that, I take her point into the back of my mind. She has my best interests in mind, of this I can be certain.

Later, I hung out with my friends. I knew that I could hug and swoon and make a fool of myself and not feel judged. Everyone in the room who cared, cared for me and not how I acted.
It's silly to feel tears in those moments, I was content and happy to be in the presence of people who cared for/loved me.

I spent the week with people I couldn't feel close to: The Escort and the people from my school. I felt alone again and that was the downfall. I allowed myself to feel alone again. I'm still not strong enough to be BRAVE all the time. Sometimes, I fall apart and over the silliest things too. Instead of dealing with the issue, I acted out upon it. Not in healthy ways all the time.

The play is through, a chapter has closed. Seven Weeks have gone by without a real notion of passing fully though. When it happened? I'd love to know. Was I even there for it?

Oh, yes, I keep documentation in this thing so I can remember.

Saturday, October 18

Sorting Of Thoughts

After the events of last night and a discussion with my roommate. It's official! I know nothing about dating anymore. I know nothing about relationships and dealing with another person in that way. My roommate and I are odd because we come from two different paths where that comes in. My path is that of a slut.

Somewhere, probably with the last breakup three years ago, I lost some sort of insight. I missed some universal lesson and thought that fucking anything in my path was the way to go. Why? Sex is what everyone wants, right? It's where adventures lie! In some people's eyes this may not be the case. In mine, it made sense at 20, and I have the capabilities.

My roommate says I am saying contradictory things. I am not denying this. It is with that missed lesson that I got lost. I like sex, but apparently, I don't like dating? I can go the romantic route: saying that there is someone out there who will understand me for who I am, someday we will meet and the universe will be restored. Or I can go a realistic path and think that perhaps I am not ready to date, possibly ever.

How has it happened that The Gentleman Caller, The Tall Man, The Escort and another guy I was fucking, all actually are dating or in serious relationships? Yet, they did this all while riding my ass, literally! You can draw it all to one point, that I put out to easily, but that it does not seem that simple and I refuse to believe it.

Being a Cancer does not make this an easy path. I live on Romantic thoughts. I get caught up so easily in the moment, I make rash decisions and then I allow myself to suffer when they never turn out as I hoped they would (but knew they never would?)

Logic isn't my best asset. I grew up in the woods playing in imaginary worlds. When that time to stop playing came, I kept the imagination, I kept the fantasies and the refusal to believe that things just are.

So I have this innocence in me that people still see. I have a vulnerability that is dangerous. My honesty is always there. I've always been a loner, but I was raised in Upstate Suburbia. We pair off, it's what we do up there. Then to grow up with a heterosexual code of conduct, that doesn't necessarily live in the homosexual world. Even the happy couples are all inviting a third into the bedroom nowadays. Perhaps, I need to be around as that third? If I'm paired off who else would they call?

That is to simple in actuality, the issues I'm wrestling with are filled with contradictions and that's why it's difficult to articulate.

Then there are my sexual urges. My roommate reminded me that I haven't stopped having sex. I know this, but I have cut it down considerably. When I get frustrated, I get horny. It's so interesting. We all have things that we do that are unhealthy when we are depressed. Some people drink, others cut themselves and I have sex with people. Do I want to say right off that bat, this is completely unhealthy? Not really. Sex is sex is sex is sex.

See therein lies the problem. I know how to have/get/look for sex. Without that curiosity to drive it, dating is no fun. I find that the people I am sexually attracted to, aren't the people I'd like to date. This works in reverse too. Maybe I'm not making sense in all this, but I never was one for sense.

In short, I don't want to be in a relationship. And though I will get upset if a person I am fucking reminds me that they are dating someone. It will make me feel lonely, this is true. I would feel equally lonely with the mind games that people play anyway. I'm living the unorthodox path and like any Vegan is aware: It's not an easy one. One day perhaps it will all just click, probably on my deathbed, and I'll know how to make it all work.

I am taking steps to figure things out. I will make excuses like everyone else, but I will be aware of them. The heart is a lonely hunter. Truly it is.

I need to dispel any thoughts of dating. If I fuck someone, I am fucking them. No matter how much we flirt or kiss or cuddle. As well as I have the right to say, "I don't want to talk about who you're dating. We're having sex and I just don't feel comfortable in giving relationship advice." And feel justified in saying that.

Getting a dog seems so much easier. I think I'll start looking into that path of life. A Boy and his Dog.

Wednesday, October 15

Tired, but Restless

I am going to try for bed now. This will be short. I wish to get to the gym tomorrow.

I am restless as usual. School is rushing my life and the play will be done soon! I feel like I'm always falling behind. I've realized it's an issue I've been feeling since I was a kid. Sadly depressing. I always felt like I've been behind.

Held back in Kindergarten because of my emotional stunted behaviors. I was emotionally disturbed. Isn't that humorous to realize. Since I've been six I've always felt behind.

I feel so comfortable with the debauch world. Drag Queens and Poly-Amorous Pride Days. They've been filling my life and that feels normal.

I've been sleeping with The Escort. I'm not in love, I can't feel love. I'm just very interested in his life. He's been doing it since he was 18. How interesting. He tells me these tricks of the trade.

Then I stop and think about how possibly he could just be working me. I'm not paying him, and I'm having sex. So I suppose I'm not losing out. He likes that everyone loves him, that's why he escorts. He has like four older men who he sees weekly and they give me at least $250 a visit.

He makes $1,000 a week by just having sex with men. The pros are in my favor. What could you possibly say to change my mind? That I'm a lily that has only been touched by the morning dew?

About 20 minutes into his little stories it clicked. It was when he was telling me about what he does when he meets a John. He always goes to the bathroom to regroup and wash his butt.

It snapped, like a gear going into place. I was Community Service Escorting. I suddenly knew his game because I played it. Except I never got paid for it. Major bummer, right? So I ask you. What could you tell me that would weigh the cons against the pros? I have a pretty solid list of pros so far.

I win. Joele loses


Someone have been doing this to all her posters in the subways on the N/R line.

You know what this means, right?

I still have the BEST lips in the Sunset Park/Park Slope area. Ha!

I came up with the best youtube series that I am going to try and make a reality. We shall see.

Sunday, October 12

It's The Economy

This was posted as a response on QueeClick — The Porn Blog. This was commenting on the newest Corbin Fisher Photoshoot/Movie:
daddytreat on October 10, 2008 11:51 PM

My 401(k) is near zero and I am depressed. This was just the thing to cheer me up. Wooooooo . . .

The economy is truly affecting us all.

Ambien

My doctor didn't give me anti-anxiety pills because, "The world is going mad. It's not you."

Touche, this is true doctor. Then Cesar, my blood technician gave me a pep talk on life. Telling me to live my life and not to let this disease get me down. How did I fall into this Lifetime movie and who do I have to blow to stay here?

I am giving the world karma and taking back it in equal thrusts! I am trying my best. I want a job, I can get a job and I will try. Soon I'll be graduated from college. I'm cooking eggs! These are all steps in some direction.

I have news and I want you to all gather around. I have finally taken that leap and signed up for a support group. This is a big step in a good direction! Am I at a point where I want to get to know myself better? To reenter the Gay Race, with people who are in the same boat? It's terrifying.

It's starts sometime in January and that means it'll have been almost a year when I start this group. The group is for the Newly Diagnosed. It's a three month long group and you have to go to an intake session beforehand. Where they ask you a bunch of personal questions so they know what kind of person is joining. I plan on being as honest as I can be.

I signed up and wondered if it's been almost a year, am I still considered newly diagnosed? Will I be with a bunch of people who just found out? Were people that in control when they first found out? How is that possible? They just knew they wanted help?

It's all so odd, I begin to feel guilty for not acting sooner. Like why didn't my "flight" sense go off and I drop everything and seek help when I first had my breakdown. When The Tall Man dropped me?

Nerves would be one reason. I was (still am) a mess, I was scared and depressed. Another reason would be time. I was working and going to class and I found those two tasks tiring enough. The idea of entering a new comfort zone was non-existent. I had no comfort zones at that time.

Which is a reason I want to join it. I want to learn to trust again. I want to know that I can feel normal in my own skin. That I can feel normal with people like me. I want to know what other people are going through.

Oh, my head is so light just from thinking of this. I get nervous that January won't come fast enough. They gave me numbers to other places like GMHC and Greenwich House. And I need to wait for the play to finish before I can think of calling. Making this appointment was probably calculated because it gives me time to back out! But I won't! Someone, Mark my words.

I hope by that time I will have some sort of job. So life won't be that dismal. One step at a time, it's a long and slippery ride. These little steps have only helped me realize how far I am coming and how well I have it together.

The last point of news for the night is I realized that since 2004 I have continually been keeping a blog of my life in New York City. I have begun archiving them. Call it vanity, but I recently have sat down and thought, "I don't remember certain memories. It seems so blurry. Maybe it's how quickly it's moving. Or perhaps it's the drugs? Or it could be that I am choosing to forget!"

I can't deny it anymore. Counting my old blog before this one. Starting on July 12th 2004 (before I moved) have been constantly keeping a log of my life. Emotionally, not for show like blogs nowadays. That pretend they are about the human experience. Instead they are about the latest Mac Product being release. How can you look back at that and feel like your life was at all interesting?

It'll be scary to remember, to relive and to reread these entries in sequence. I will see the ups and I will see the downs. Perhaps I'll remember what I was really thinking when I wrote this. What substance was I abusing when I seems so blatantly upbeat here? Was I really happy, or just projection an image I wanted the inter web to perceive.

It's going to be a long journey, but I intend on taking it in stride. It can't ruin anything that's not already ruined. Don't you agree?

Saturday, October 11

You Are My Friend — Patti LaBelle

This is how I feel right now. If I were a black woman, or Dorian Corey, I would sing this proudly.



Black Ladies Sing So Powerfully!

Friday, October 10

An Epilogue to the GC

The title is all. This was a good day, not how I expected it to turn out and that's all I can really say.

Thursday, October 9

This Makes Me Sad... WARNING: The Link is NWS

You are in my thoughts today Mason Wyler. No one deserves this. NO ONE.

And all I wanted to do was jerk off.

Tuesday, October 7

Making A Egg. In HD.

That's a lie, or else you'd see my acne and horrible burn scars.

I made an egg and I needed to remember the moment.



On top of that. I realized that next semester I indeed will be graduating. Which is such a terrifying feeling indeed.

Also, I was very honest last night with a friend online about my past. And it was very strange to open up like that.

Oh and, if you like my egg. I do birthday's and weddings.

Sunday, October 5

A New York City Day — A True Story

There are days when you wake up, you walk out your door and you see the rabbit hole. You think, "I shouldn't go in there." But your Alice Intuition tells you to and you've always liked Alice better than logical sense.

Yesterday was truly a New York City Day. Unfortunately, those of you who don't live here can't understand what a New York City Day is. It's a day where you do so much that, explaining it to others who don't live here, seems wasteful. It always make for a fun story though!

They can't comprehend what it's like to arrive at a Drag Queen's apartment at 10:30 AM, with her Majesty already in full drag. You hop in a cab and drive up to Central Park with her while she looks at you in her regal way and says, "Your job today is to make me laugh...for 6 hours...That's all I ask of you."

You climb up a subtle incline in the park at noon. A Drag Queen with green tresses in a fake fur coat, her personal assistant and you. She walks the path as if she's Mother Teresa on the streets of Calcutta. Giving rice to the hungry, while she breathes, "Oh, Veronica! It's a wonderful day to be out in the world!"

You stop and think. What? How did I get here? It's fun, yes! But it doesn't seem right! This isn't a day anyone else has. What is amazing is how natural the events occur. How could it possibly get any stranger?! Maybe it can't--

As you near the top of the incline you see a small gathering of people. You have just arrived at your destination! The Poly-amorous Pride Event! "Oh, what a dump!" Her of the Royal Blood says. "And of course they asked me to host! There's no one here! At least they have a stage. When I hosted last year it was a soap box and some crate paper!"



A celebration of strange people: People who love to love! The strangest collection of Misfit Toys you will ever meet. There were threesome couples, foursome couples, married couples with lovers who were aware of each other. Babies?! Were the babies Poly-amorous?? Poly-Amorous Dogs! Needless to say, it didn't surprise me when I found out everyone here only spoke in Rhyme & Riddle.


Yet, I feel so calm here. I knew it was a world I don't care for, but why not? These people believe a Drag Queens can save your soul and so do I! When asked if she was a Monogamist (the opposite of Poly-Amorous), the picture of Regal Glory responded:
Why let me think? I'm a Mon--Moh--Mah-- Yes! I am a mahoganist! I have a deep love for mahogany furniture that cannot be contained.
I fell to the ground in Rapture! It was a strange day indeed! I watched and joked, while she ruled over the crowd. Then when not in front of her loyal people she questioned their beliefs?
I don't get this whole thing? You either need to have no ego or one of them has to have ALL ego and control the others. Can't we just return to the days where we cheat and never tell our loved one? The rules were you fuck around, don't make it a regular habit, and never do it in the bed. You can fuck on the floor next to the bed. Don't break those rules and everyone will be happy?
Her logic made some sense. I know my ego is to big to be dating more than one person at the same time. Also, if this was the largest group of PPP (Proud Poly-Amorous People) they could find, then the dating pool was a little shallow.

Then there was my Wonderland-esque Poly-Amorous Job! I was to pass a card. I was here to pass a card from my left to the right! It was hysterical, but it felt so much better to be doing this job than working in a cubicle all day!

Alas, the theme of the day was nothing is to unusual. As the day continued I eventually had to leave her Royal Highness's presence seeing as I was needed at a event more usual event.


Now this part you cannot truly believe unless you see it. Describing it is almost impossible. I have never been to a show that is such an experience as this. It was like living a weird dream. Observe:




Friday, October 3

A Very Special Day


Two nights ago. For the first time ever, I made dinner. Now before you feign shock and awe understand a few things. I'm a boy and my mother always made dinner. I brown bagged my lunches while growing up. Breakfast has always been a cereal bar or something quick.

I went to college and lived in a dorm without a kitchen for two years. Then the next two years was filled with constant jumping around from weird apartment to weird apartment. I was also working from 2-10 most nights and therefore usually ordered dinner.

So two nights ago was the first time I bought chicken and marinated it and then grilled it. Seeing as it's 48 hours later and I'm not dead. I suppose I made it well and the chicken tasted pretty good. I made instant rice, because I'm impatient and don't like to boil it.

It's fun. I am marking off all these little things from my "To-Do" Life List! This morning Elizabeth taught me how to make eggs over easy. That may be my small thing I do tonight.

I'm so domestic. I vacuum too!

The Sunset Gang: Crazies on Parade



I need to archive these. They will make excellent gems someday when I'm older and wiser and a little more calm. Basically when the Xanax arrives. I am all about preservation. Someday it'll be fun to remember and this will make it easier.

Wednesday, October 1