LOVE THEM!

Looking for Weakness

Last night, I went bowling with my Ex and his new boyfriend. Now I went out thinking, this'll be me, them and some friends. Instead it was just us. Which wasn't what I was lead to believe, I thought it was a group gathering. I'm glad to say though, that I wasn't put on guard or anything. I just felt strange.

I get along with this new guy. He's sweet, though a little bitchy. I showed him Hannah Jelkes, Alma Winemiller and of course Judy. And he says, "You're so gay." Which therefore puts me at alert so when I see him doing something equally gay I want to say, "Well you're gay too!" But I didn't I kept myself in check.

Okay, Ladies and Gents here's where it gets ugly.

So when I arrived I got there and they say to me, "We paid already, so you just need to get your shoes." Okay, no problem. We go to our lane and while we're bowling they order a pitcher of beer.

I hate beer. But, I figured they haven't asked for money yet and they're offering. Why not? I know that may seem pretentious on my part. Yet, when I arrived they didn't ask for money either. I think by now it's safe to assume I am being covered for tonight...

Yet, a word to the wise: Couple's are sneaky and greedy. They never asks the eccentric iguanas if they would like ______. They decide amongst themselves (the two of them) and since it's two on one, obviously the vote has been decided. This has happened to me before, and I don't like

I BET you see where this sordid tale is going...

As the night goes on. Of the TWO pitchers of beer they order...I drink about a plastic cup full. They drink probably 2-3 cups of beer. We decided that it's now time to call it a night. Still no one has asked me for money. Our night is done, I am safe to assume I haven't paid for anything, nor will I have to...

Is anyone really ever safe?

Now, there are moments to bring up money issues that I don't mind. If I entered the Bowling Alley and they'd said, "We paid, you just need to get your shoes...it was 15 dollars a person." I'd not have been offended. I'd have seen what the deal was. I'd have said, "No I don't drink beer...I don't want any beer." Yet, I digress let's get back to the matter at hand...

As I'm saying goodbye to my ex, I give him a hug and a peck on the cheek. I move in to say goodnight to his new boyfriend. Thinking to myself, what a nice person he is.

Me: Well, goodnight! I had a wond--
Him (laughing): Can we have money?
Me: --erful time! We must do it aga--W-what??

Now, I agree he had every right to ask for money. Though, I find is a bit crude to ask for it as I am about to hug you goodnight. Wait until I've hugged you and ask. So, since I can't see myself, but I'm sure I felt my eyes narrow in as I asked him what. And my aura must've changed from glowing to bitter cold.

I wasn't offended, I was just taken off guard. So I stuttered...

Me: Of course! I'm sorry, it's no problem.
Ex: No you don't have to if it's to much.
Him: Well, we're both broke right now.
Me: No! I just didn't realize. How does 20 bucks sound? (I had no idea how much anything cost at this point)
Him: Well it's more like $35 a person.
Me: Oh.
Ex: If it's a problem, don't worry.
Me: No! I have the...money...I just didn't...

Mind you I said this all while smiling and I'm not upset. Just taken aback by the suddenly change in mood. I don't like people to think I was taking advantage of them. It's just that no one hinted I needed to pay!

So I fish out some money. 35 dollars for two games of bowling and a cup of beer? That's a Broadway show and dinner some nights! Now, I'm not pissed, it's what the new boyfriend did next that annoyed me.

Obviously, the mood has changed a touch. It's a little awkward, I know. But then he says this...

Him: Oh God! This is awkward isn't it. I feel like such a douche bag asking for money.

Suddenly I feel all the muscles in my face release and my smile drops and I look at them and say deadpan, "Goodnight." And I walk away. I know the proper response was to say, "Of course you're not a douche bag! You have ever right to ask for money!" Yet, at that moment I wasn't feeling it. I almost said, "You're right." Good for my censor.

It's really easy to play the Sympathy Card AFTER you've taken my money. Made subconscious purchases without my consent and mentally kept a tab of how much I owe the entire night. Yet, you can play it all you want, but my No Bullshit Card will always trump it.

See, I have this stick...

Oh, and so The Cyclist texts me yesterday about how he has two days off work and would like to see me. I say, I could be free. His text is:

Cyclist: I fundamentally need to have sex with you.

Fundamentally? Jesus. Are you for real? Apparently so.

So I give him a call and he ends up making it worse. The constant insisting of wanting to have sex is just ridiculous and a turn off to me. And he wants another "2 hours" as he said. Why? Because it seems so false. It seems so transparent.

It objectifies me.

Now here is the dilemma. I lost the person who proofreads my papers for the last year, and The Cyclist offered to do it. So I need my paper back.

Get a bad grade or fuck for two hours and do well enough?

Yes, I will compromise me position for a decent grade on a paper. That or I'll lie through my teeth about not feel well, get the paper and RUN! Hm.

Time I put a stick in the spokes of his bike and watch him fly. The glass unicorn is broke and I'm tired of The Cyclist. Sounds like that change is coming quicker than I thought.

West Styne Story

In the manner of Judy Garland, "I just had the strangest dream..."

After dreaming I'd worn out the best bottom of my shoes that I run in and I didn't realize it until today. I decided I was going to get a new pair.

Along the way they were doing a concert for West Side Story (since it's 50th Anniversary, of the movie, was yesterday). They were doing the Dance in the Gym sequence...

MAMBO!

When I look to my left and see Jule Styne, who is dead mind you, sitting there watching. He turns to me and asks. "Do you enjoy this part of the show." And I answer, "Of course!" And he just says, "I like MY music better."

Well SORRY Jule!

Knowing When To Leave

Go while the going is good

Jill O'Hara sang is very well, but Betty Buckley is redefining it for me right now. In my regular insomnia of cycle that I've been having for weeks now. I'll fall asleep soon I am very sure of it. I skipped the gym today and that was my folly. I wanted to get rest from the early wake up call of Saturday. Yet, it was a sleep filled with nightmares.

Knowing when to leave may be the smartest thing that anyone can learn.

I watched at people got crushed and contorted, yet still remained alive. I watched people I didn't know get tortured and I was helpless to do anything. I just watched. No one specifically in my life really. It could've been the cast of Heroes and I wouldn't have known who they were.

At one point a monstrous wardrobe swallowed two people and the doors slammed shut. I rushed to it to hear their screams as they were slowly being digested on the inside. I wanted to try and crack it open, but I have seen one to many movies and knew that they were lost and even if I got them out, they'd be a mess. So I let them die...

I'm afraid my heart, isn't very smart...

In other news. I am buying a sewing machine tomorrow. Part of my stress has been school and getting all my sewing done. I don't have time to sign up during my free time with everything else. Also, since I enjoy Costume Construction and actually am very interested in it, I don't want to do badly in the class because of my lack of time. With other classes this feeling on inadequacy has made me want to just take a Sabbatical. Find myself. Which leads me to my next topic...

Foolish as it seems, I still have my dreams.

I have been in a horrible mood in the last week. Bad news didn't help. Added with frustration and other things. I have come to the conclusion I am horribly unhappy with myself. I can't clearly articulate the feelings, but it's late and I am going to try...

I am at the point that I feel like a standstill. Change is coming, whether if be forced or not. Idle hands are the Devils playground, I suppose. Yet my idle hands haven't touched that swing set in a while. I am disgusted with people who are older than 25, right now. Why?

So I keep hoping day after day as I wait for the man I mean.

The Gentleman Caller says that I shouldn't feel like an object. HA! Of all the people to say such a thing. He is a friend, I do agree. Yet, I sometimes wonder how long I will be held onto until he solves his issues with himself and meets someone and suddenly I'm just the 21 year old who was.

The phrase that caught me was, "We can do the deed when we're at Busch Gardens." The deed?

Well I don't want to bother you, but since we're sharing the same bed I guess I could oblige you, Sir.

I am glad truly glad you made some guy have the best sex of his life the other day. I truly am. Yet when you said, "Then why doesn't he return back if I was so amazing?" I wanted to just raise my hand. Instead, I gagged in my mouth for a moment, resisting the urge to scream. I have to wait three weeks to have sex with you? Seriously?

Deep down, whoever you are...

Then there is the Cyclist. Who's blatant objectifying me is as obvious as the awful text messages he sends me. He was on a role this Sunday until he blundered it up. I had to cut him off and let him go. Like those fish I caught this summer. Sea Bass truly are the worst fish to catch and must be sent back.

My mother raised something to be proud of, not a Distraction.

The moment came later that night. In a sign that only myself and a few others can appreciate. I will retell the tale though, since it must be told:

I was riding the subway. Biting my lip and trying to read The Golden Compass. Meanwhile, down the train was an adorable gay couple. My age I'd guess, scruffy and in that moment of their relationship where only they felt each other existed. Both very attractive.

I do believe at this point my lip started to bleed.

At every stop I watched them to see if they'd leave, wondering where two adorable guys like that would be heading to. Probably Christopher St or something. Yet they didn't get off. I started to wonder the last time I ever felt that way with a guy. I don't know if I ever have...

No I have, when I was younger, in my teens. When I believed that guys were capable of that type of romance. Then down the train there was proof that it still happens...to others. I had a pure teenager moment when I thought, "They why hasn't it happened to me?"

As I turned to read my book, my gaze was caught instead by something else. I saw myself in the reflection of the Subway window. If there is a reflection you don't want to see yourself in and suddenly have a revelation. It's in a subway window, while two gay guys cuddled only feet away.

Yet I looked at myself.

To add the the moment, Lucy and Jessie started to play on my ipod. A song I knew was soon to be followed with Live, Laugh, Love. This song was just after Losing My Mind played. Let me tell you, never before has three songs in consecutive order EVER made such a moment in my life. I watch the couple as Barbara Cook sings, "Losing my Mind."

You said you loved me...or were you just being kind.

Then I see myself and Lucy and Jessie starts to ring out of Lee Remick's mouth. I just stared at myself. What did I do to deserve this moment? What did I see? I saw someone who I couldn't take seriously. I was wearing a tight fitting shirt that I got from a teenage girl's store and made my body look...well good.

Yet I wondered what do people see when they see me? Do they laugh that I would wear this? Do they seem something frivolous, not worth more than sex? Do they feel intimidated? Something not worth more than a moments glance?

Here comes, Live, Laugh, Love. I can't stop the thoughts now. Things need to change, I see something that other people don't. I don't know what the difference is, but it confuses me. I wish I could see myself through others eyes. So I could get a grasp onto things.

Success is swell, success is sweet...

The train came to my stop. And I saw it coming as the couple got off the train with me. To do what people in love do at 10:30 pm. I can't possibly tell you what anymore. Sleep? Talk about the future together?

Me I like to live! Me I like to love, Me I like...me...love..me...I don't love me...

I think it's time to try that sleeping thing...

AMAZING!

HAIR was amazing! Really stellar! The people were so happy to be there. Saw some naked guys. The actor who played Woof was SO attractive.

It was so nice to finally see the show and to learn the story. The second Act is the most amazing second act ever. I never realized (because the movie ruined it) that most of the act is just Claude (Jonathon Groff) having a psychedelic trip! He's just going from one hallucination to the next. It makes so much now listening to it! AMAZING!

Oh and Audra McDonald was in the audience tonight!

The best part was when they start to smoke pot, some old man (who I stood next to in the bathroom line) yelled out, "Pass it around!" It was amazing! This old man earlier told us he saw the original production. He loved this one, except for the fact in the original you everyone smoked pot in the audience and got high too!! How amazing!

Naturally after seeing the show I smoked a lot of pot and I'm re-listening to the soundtrack!

The Dawning of the Age...

6:15 am, I arrived outside of The Public Theater to wait in line for tickets to the 40th Anniversary Concert of Hair in Central Park. I had a bag complete with The Golden Compass, the latest New Yorker, my Game Boy DS and Pokemon Diamond. I also brought a long a wonderful folding chair (a FANCY one at that) and my iPod Shuffle.

Time was on my side this morning. I set my alarm for 5:15 am, but woke at 5:12. I showered and looked all fresh. I'm sorry, but I refuse to go to a theatrical affair looking like crap. My father was a garbage man, as a child I would go with him on the route and wake up as early. I hopped on the R train and they must've known I was going to the theater, because it went express over the bridge. That NEVER happens.

It was still dark when I arrived, everyone made jokes about my being there so early. To my surprise people had spent the night! My friend and I have named HAIR fans as myself...HAIR-LIPS or BEDHEADS. I like the former, it suddenly transforms something that was negative into something positive.

I knew though when I got there that I was going to get a ticket. Arriving before 7 was my goal and I accomplished that. My theory was, if I arrived before 7 am and didn't get a ticket, then it simply wasn't meant to be.

The married couple next to me chatted and bought me a Green Tea Soy Latte at the Starbucks. It was all working out well, hurrah!

It was such an interesting mix. This would be my third free event this week. After the Betty Comden Memorial with it's main crowd being DEAD. And Legally Blonde being ANNOYING. This was a mixture of both. You had these cool types, and meaning you had the annoying NYU students.

Now I say this because I'm sitting in line...NYU to the left and NYU to the right. So easy for them since their dorms are literally next door to the Public theater. They had to endure waking at 6 am and walking a block away. But, I try not to judge people to easily.

I watch a cute group of NYU students, one of them being pretty gay. They must be freshman since they didn't know about NYU's version of HAIR they did last year, when everyone shaved their heads.

I mean, come on! Even I knew that!

So I assume this boy is probably 18/19 years old. God forbid 17. Since I already resent them slightly, what worse can they do?

Girl: Hey guys! I have an idea! We should run to our rooms and bring down our yoga mats!

One eyebrow raises...

I sit there, reading my New Yorker, trying to ignore the remark. Sipping my Green Tea Lat... I look up and see the young gay child...

I'd call him a larvae really, he hadn't even fully developed his bones yet I think.

The young boy is playing on his iPhone...

Now granted, I am judging. I mean perhaps this summer this boy raises the amount of money by working at The Gap or Abercrombie (as his shirt told me he has some relationship with that store) and bought the iPhone on his own.

Second eyebrow raises...

There I am, sitting there with both of my eyebrows raised as far as they can go. My eyes SO wide, and I'm trying to read the New Yorker. Since I can barely focus, I switch to the Game Boy DS. Oh wait, that must make me a hypocrite, right? There I am complaining about a boy with an iPhone, who has barely hit puberty mind you.

He still HAD BRACES!!

Wait, my DS cost me 150 dollars, two years ago. His cost him...WHO knows?

Girl: Did you hear, Zack is moving back next semester. He's gonna have his parents buy him an apartment...
Boy: I Know! I'm gonna live there for FREE! I'm having him ask his parents.
Girl: Can you imagine, how lucky?!

Bottom jaw falls off completely

As I dropped to the ground, to put my jaw in place. I couldn't hide my mixture of surprise and disgust. Were these things really happening before my eyes? Were THESE kids really going to see HAIR in the park? On it's 40th Anniversary?

No, seriously. I am asking, someone please answer me.

Then who would've thunk it? Before the kids could carry on more, about their trust funds and their trips to the Greek Isles this summer. A bus careened out of control and mowed down the group of children and slammed their tiny bodies into the side of the Public Theater! I was in shock! It was actually an NYU trolley at that!

How is that about ironic?

Actually what was more ironic is that it was being driven by Galt Macdermont. He was then given a ticker tape parade shortly after. And the world resumed as it always had.

And that was how I got tickets to HAIR.

All I Ever Wanted...

Friday night and a bedtime like 11 pm? Tomorrow I plan on being up early, so it's not unreasonable. Just going to bed so early on a Friday night seems to Spinster-esque. I want to be up early for HAIR tickets. If I get there at 6:30/7 am and the line is ridiculous I will turn home and go back to bed...I just don't want to say I didn't try...

Before I go to bed I'd like to post a song I have lived my life by and if I ever have to sing ONE song that describes me this would be is.

Stupid Things I Won't Do by William Finn

Reading papers when there ain't a review
is a stupid thing. And I won't do it.
When I read I wanna read something new,
why read anything at all?

Wars will always happen, there's always strife.
But opening a show just happens one time in it's life!
And that's why reading papers when there ain't a review,
stupid thing I won't do...

Now you can grill me, you can kill me!
You can cuff me on the air, I still won't do it.
You can boo me, you can shoot me!
But that's not a thing, that I will do.
Man may laugh and women may chortle.
But there's a reason I'm immortal.
Reading rags when there ain't a review...stupid thing.

And another thing, while we're on the subject...

Making movies...Hollywood.
Stupid thing. I won't do it!
Bet your booty's I'd be GOD damned good,
but that's a game that I will play!
I'm a seasoned actor, I don't skate or dive!
The only rolls, I want are rolls that
I'm performing live and in person!
Making movies in Hollywood...
Stupid thing I won't do!

No, no, no!
You can kill me, you can bill me!
You can NAIL me to the wall,
I still won't do it!
You can maim me, or defame me!
But there's certain things I won't per sure!
I've ach-ieved my awesome potential,
by focusing on what's essential...
And making movies...in Hollywood..
Stupid thing I won't do...

Living life like a NORMAL PERSON!
STUPID THING, I won't do it!
After five minutes as a NORMAL PERSON!
You can lock me in a mental ward and THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!
Though I live with passion, joy and RAGE!
The only time I feel alive is when I'm on the stage!
That's why LIVING LIVE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!
IS A STUPID THING THAT I WON'T DO!!

NO, NO, NO!
I need theatre, I want THEATRE!
It's the food that I eat,
EIGHT TIMES A WEEK!
GOD BLESS THEATRE,
life is weirder!
Maybe not, but who's to say?

What-could-be-more
prim and officious,
than cleaning floors or washing dishes?
Good for them! Who can do those things!
But they're not the things I can DO!

NO, NO, NO!

GOOD FOR THEM!!
WHO CAN DO THOSE THINGS!
BUT THEY'RE NOT THE THINGS THAT I CAN...
do-da-do-da-do-do-do-do...

Those are things, that I can't...

Never have and never will,
be able to do.

Why do I find solace in this song??

Sondheim Time

I am in love with this guy...Sure his voice isn't great. Sure he may be a little loopy. I just appreciate his integrity and for helping me laugh a little during these last few depressing days...



His videos are so sincere, but I've been laughing too much.

Iguana At Home — A 3-Part Mini Opera

Theatre, theatre everywhere and not a chance to justify complaining...If everything goes according to plan, by the end of September I will have seen:

Hair 40th Anniversary Concert in the Park
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
King Lear at BAM
The Misanthrope

I finished watching the Swedish version of Chess, which is amazing though slight absurd.

Why treat me like a fool?

It was a production of epic proportions. The three leads were good in their own way, and though I didn't understand a word of it, I loved it all the same. All the songs are amazing and though the staging may be a little kooky and the chorus a little awkward in certain scenes. In short, to see a staged version of it finally was totally worth it.

Will he miss me, if I go?

So, the fall setting in Park Slope is beautiful. It's almost more picturesque than the falls back home, and we had some good falls. It's too perfect though. I have walked down the street feeling like Kathy Whitaker - A Woman on the Verge.

I could be in someone else's story! In someone else's life...

How does this sound for being a touch insane...So I got a special recording of A Little Night Music (The BBC Concert starring Betty Buckley and Maria Friedman (a role I actually enjoy her in)) So upon listening to it, the recording is a touch dodgy, but truly amazing to hear the whole show starring one of my favorite Divas. The only noticeable problem is it doesn't have A Weekend in the Country. One of the greatest Sondheim opening Act II numbers ever.

Act II just starts with Maria Friedman saying in her ever singsong voice [insert sarcastic look here], "Plague." WHAT?! But it sounds like such a funny joke! I need to know someday! What is she saying Plague to?

So my solution [insert crazy reference here] is to record the Weekend in the Country number from the Lincoln Center Revival in 1990. I do this because it's the only version I know of on the Internet that contains all the intermittent dialogue during the song...

No man, no madness...

Lastly tonight, I leave with my latest anecdote [I wrote this to a friend in an email]:

Funny story, the other day a guy was selling books on the street. This was during my bad day (losing insurance and all that) and you know it's book sold from a table on the STREET. You would think that it be like 2-5 dollars a book. I found a Hirschfeld book that I've seen many times at Strand for like 9-10 bucks. I go, "How much is this." and the old gay bitch says...

"Asking price is 18 dollars...but I can negotiate. It originally went for 30 dollars." I looked at him with my one eyebrow askew and said, "I only have a couple of dollars." He shrugs and I go to put it back and the BITCH grabs it from my hands and says, "LET ME DO IT!" I let it go a second to late cause I wanted it to fall to the ground, but he caught it.

Only in Park Slope would someone sell books in the STREET on a table for consumer report prices.

Hard Candy Christmas

Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair. Maybe I'll move somewhere? Maybe I'll get a car, maybe I'll drive so far, they'll all lose track? Maybe I'll sleep real late. Maybe I'll lose some weight. Maybe I'll clear my junk?

Me? I'll be just fine and dandy. I'm barely getting through tomorrow, still I can't let sorrow bring me way down. Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew. Maybe I'll just lie low. Maybe I'll hit the bars? Maybe I'll count the stars, until the dawn.

Maybe I'll settle down. Maybe I'll just leave town. Maybe I'll have some fun, maybe I'll meet someone and make him mine?

Some of us work out our issues out differently, okay?

Legally Pink

Just got back from the Betty Comden Memorial. Waited outside 2 hours and it was totally worth it. Here's some memorable songs that some of the divas performed:

Beth Leavel, Karen Ziemba and Stephanie J. Block — New York, New York from On The Town
Lucie Arnaz — 100 Easy Ways to Lose a Man from Wonderful Town
Christine Ebersole — Our Private World from The 20th Century
Phyllis Newman — A Shoo-In from Subways are for Sleeping (she won her Tony in that role)
Judith Blazer and Mary Testa — Ohio from Wonderful Town
Carolee Carmello — I'm Going Back from Bells Are Ringing (my favorite performance in it all)
Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway — Neverland from Peter Pan
Lillias White — I Can Cook Too! from On The Town (She was a hot mess! Broken leg, funny green sequin hat and reading the lyrics off some paper)
Leslie Uggams — My Own Morning from Hallelujah, Baby! (Her Tony Award too)
Elaine Stritch — Some song from a movie they did Lyrics too (haha!)
Lypsinka — A BRILLIANT act while syncing to another song from the movie Stritch sang from
Barbara Cook — Some Other Time from On The Town (SHE SANG THIS TO AN ENTIRE HOUSE WITH NO MIC! It was unbelievable!)

Now onto Part two of today...Legally Blonde! I feel so gay...wanna know why...here's why:



It's not permanent don't worry. I just figured it's a rare occasion, might as well go a little out. I'm gonna feel like such a weirdo riding on the subway, but alas we do what we must do...

How did we come to this?

Some bad things have happened today, things that are pushing my toward tears. For example:

I'm meeting my ex (who I am friends with and is coming to the show with me) boyfriend's new boyfriend who he has gotten very serious with and blah blah blah. It's not that I'm jealous, hardly jealous. From the way he describes him, the new guy has the same hobbies as me. That's normal, but I then wonder what I've done wrong to not merit the attention. Does that make sense? I know it's nothing I've done WRONG per say, but it brings me close to tears when I think about it. I don't know why.

Another issue BIGGER that's bringing me close to tears and might just do it is that my mom called me today and informed me that my parent's health insurance no longer covers me. I've been on it since I'm still in school. Well, apparently my dad intelligently took a new health insurance that doesn't offer a Student Rider. Meaning if your child is in school and they have proof they are included. Nope. He didn't.

Since I'm now 22 that means I don't count as a child in general. So I'm currently without health insurance. Here's the REAL kicker and the reason I may cry. It may be the sole reason I can't go to China with my school. I'm going to write an email after this entry to the people asking what I should do. I need a photocopy of my health insurance card for the application. Even if I get it, the card won't be here by October 12th.

I refuse to cry now, but I may be shortly. I don't believe that it's over so quickly. Before it even began. My throat is closing up...I have to go.

Can't Win Them All...But We Will Try

Ever wake up and feel your face looks like this?

Some days, I do. Then I realize it's just a reflection of the light...I mean my nose isn't difficult to miss. Honestly. Oh and, SE7EN has it's own comic book series? Jigga what?! I need these soon! This movie used to entrance me.

I can be cruel, I don't know why?

If you're surprised, don't be. I suffer from major blood lust sometimes. I tend to create these vivid and brilliant death scenes for in my mind. I would never act them out, just consider movies like Saw 3 and SE7EN as proper cathartic ways for me to deal with my emotions.*

Tomorrow is Legally Blonde for sure! I am going to also try to attend the Betty Comden Memorial, at two, which will have a bunch of big Broadway Diva names like Christine Ebersole, Donna Murphy, Beth Leavel, Etc, etc. Not Audra though. She had to cancel. I will try, but honestly I'm not going is I need to be there by 9:30! Sorry Betty, your memory will live on.

I decided to fool with the mind of of The Cyclist today.

Texting him odd little messages.

I did sort of make a deal with him. He went skydiving the other day and I agreed that if he made it to the ground alive...I would let him cum all over me.

I feel that's a fair trade for staying alive...

Remember when I said I wanted a boyfriend...well I still need to work on my approach.

*No, I am not a serial killer.

I brought it upon myself

Why can't I speak?

The time moved to quickly. I went to another mall with my mother day, rather funny. Returning to the mall for me is like a student visiting their old high school. I have no memories I associate with High school really. The mall though, it's a different story.

Why won't the words come?

I almost got a piercing in my ear, but I decided against it. I'm happy I showed that self control. Hurrah for me.

Why can't I tell him...

I met with my ex-bf today for the first time in almost two years. We've talked over the phone before. I found it time to meet. We had coffee. I talked much more than him, which was the standard. Truly the way it's always been. He is sweet, but it's gone. He's buying a house...he's 24...MY GOD.

how much I want him?

We went to dinner in the most suburban of ways. We went to Outback Steakhouse. I ate enough for three weeks. It was delicious but fattening...

Why can't I show him...

Why am I hiding?

So, Saw 3...Unrated Version...I can handle movies like that right?

Now that he's held me,

Tonight I watched a man pull chains out of his skin. A woman's rib cage be torn open. A woman frozen to death. A man almost drowned in guts, then to later have half his head shot off. Followed by a man have his arms twisted, then his legs broken off from twisting as well, finally his head being twisted 180. Then to end it all, several gun shots, a throat slit, with one BIG gun shot. The movie ended with a single shot of a the inside of a woman's head that had been blown completely off.

And I wonder why I can't sleep...I loved it BY THE WAY!

Now that's he's freed me...

Tomorrow I head home, I just wish I could go to sleep. Damn these visual images in my mind.

Oh it's come to my mind that I may try dating again. Like a serious dating thing. Don't quote me for sure. It's going to be slow and annoying. I'll let what happens, happen. I'm not looking, but I would like to have something meaningful again. I can't afford a house, but I can try to be adult myself...

now that I'm happy?

Iguana's Home Again

(An actual house that is down the street from me, yes in case you're wondering. The Iguana grew up in luxury. Poor little rich boy.)

Driving back home from the mall I had a mind fuck. I looked around and then looked at my hands and thought. What? Is this really me? I'm upstate and d riving an SUV to and from the mall.

At the mall I strolled the FYE and purchased a COMPLETE recording of Showboat (that in the city is normally like 50-60 dollars) for 20 bucks. Who says treasures aren't in normal places. What's great about this recording is not only is it the absolute full show, it has the original lyrics. So there's a lot of the N-Word being sung...by white people no less.

Keeping on task, I drive. And I drive very well I might add. I may have gotten many speeding tickets, but let it be known. That I never got in an accident, no matter how fast I drove. I wonder how I grew up here. I still wonder that. It's like being stuck in time.

I drove out of the city on the bus, at 7:15 am, I looked at the city and said, "I will be back Sunday." How melodramatic.

Another note: I got a full bootleg recording of Young Frankenstein. I'm gonna listen to it fully soon, mark my words. I listened to Sutton Foster yodel and I was actually amused. Then I listened to other songs and was slightly upset. All of the songs are about sex, REALLY about sex. It's kind of annoying. Mel, we get the point, lets move on.

I miss certain people back in the city. You probably know who you are.

Sitting becalmed on the Lee of Cuttyhunk. Show Boat is getting very dramatic, it's insane!

OH yes, speaking of insane. I was talking to my mother and I've come to the conclusion that insanity, or eccentricity is in my blood. Don't believe me? My mother isn't enough proof for you? Lets examine her parents for a moment...

My grandparents are two German immigrants. My Oma (German for grandma) had three kids originally, but the oldest died at two months old and the youngest died due to a blood disease after giving birth to a child.

They entered the Jehovah's Witnesses when my mother was 15 and then left the practice years later. Now they celebrate nothing, yet are extremely careful in religious aspects. As a child I was always forced to say prayers at night starting with, "Dear Jehovah..." To begin a prayer with Dear Jesus seems absolutely strange to me. She would tell me little strange tidbits of information like how God would see me lying and all that.

Twice in her life she has suffered from two nervous breakdowns. The first, I was too young to witness. The second, I was there watching.

She became insanely paranoid. Accused my parents in front of me. Would scream at them, accusing them of plotting against her. For over a year she refused to leave the house, convinced that they would put things in the food is she did. On top of that, she is extremely stubborn. It's all rather complicated. She's an enigma with stark white hair!

It came to my mind today that I have my father's horrible way of insulting people. But my Oma's weakness for holding things in when being mistreated and her stubborness to hold grudges.

I see insanity, I truly do.

For Those of you who've always wondered...

What this [Title of Show] youtube I'm always posting. This video explains it all...

Kiss of the Rocky Horror Picture Show

Before I go home this weekend, I MUST give my review of Kiss of the Spider Woman that I saw tonight in Chelsea...

How can I begin to explain Kiss of the Spider Woman...I can't honestly, I can't. I'll try. I mean if you want to go see it, good for you. The only reason we stayed was cause my friend had an old classmate in it.

They certainly put a "new" spin on it. It's very dark or tries to be. They utilize the whole space, the cell is a platform on wheels that they push around. Everyone sings flat and they "updated" Kander and Ebb's score with synthesized music. Gimme Love...OMG. It was basically Madonna's Erotica Video. I can't begin to explain it, but I'll solider on...

But here's what was hilarious about the show. Apparently Chita's (and Vanessa I suppose) star power is SO great that they decided to cast three people as the Spider Woman. Turning Aurora into every woman...well not exactly. Apparently Aurora was a small Latino girl, a tall black homosexual and another bleach blond homosexual who looked a lot like a mix between Rocky and Eddie Izzard. Not only that, the costumes were directly out of the last revival of Rocky Horror. Bodice's and high heels for ALL!

The tall black man sings Where You Are as Eartha Kitt would have but, more nasal and less hair. I Do Miracles is sung by Eddie but MY GOD! The part where Aurora and Marta sing together...was...well, I was laughing hysterically. Then Gimme Love was the Latino girl's Erotica number, including her squatting down sexily...over the toilet in the cell. I'm sorry but certain poses over certain objects can give you weird images in your mind.

BUT...

The show stopper was of course The Kiss of the Spider Woman where all three came out to sing. One flat, one off key and one completely missing the point all together. Eddie's sequin tale dragged and made this horrible noise throughout the show. If can't get worse, right? Oh but it did. Not only did they sing in their unlikely trio. They wrapped strings of Christmas lights around themselves. But they did this as they opened the number and the fact the lights were hooked up to extension cords only made it not only look awkward, you felt strange watching them do it.

Then as they walked out to sing more, in the only ways they knew how. Some problems were to be had. Eddie could only get so far on his extension cord and almost kept walking without his lights. While Eartha's lights seemed to go haywire during his solo and started to flicker on their own. Perhaps it was his electric voice that just fried the wiring. Latino was smart and stayed as close to the back as possible and sort of just skipped around. I have never laughed so hard in my life.

When I said I've always wanted to see a production of this show...I knew I should have been more specific in my hoping. You win some, you lose some.

Iguana Has Always Been Legally Blond

MTV is showing Legally Blonde the Musical on TV on September 29th at 1 pm (I'm almost sure of it). To help fill the theater on that day they had a lottery for two free tickets the requirements were the following:

aMust be between the ages of 21-25
aMust Wear a PINK shirt

Faggots all over New York City have rejoiced. This one included.

I have won this lottery and I picked up my two tickets today. Sure it's row W, which another Theater Queen complained. But all I did to win this was send in an email and be young. I don't care if I was watching it from the last row, as long as I can see.

Miracles and mysteries...

This is once again is my Theatrical Powers at work. From the moment Legally Blonde hit The Street, I said, "I will never pay for this show." I'm not paying for it so I'm not breaking my word. Not only that I have a chance of being on MTV for a few seconds when they do shots of the audience cheering. However, I can't admit that I am exactly thrilled for this show. I'm happy to see Laura Bell Bundy, Christian Borle, Michael Rupert (who I have had a crush on since Falsettos) and Orfeh (believe it or not).

I was sitting and listening to an Interview with Jerry Mitchell about LB and his life, etc. The man has worked with Agnes DeMille, Michael Bennett, Jerome Robbins and Tommy Tune.

You'd have thought something rubbed off?

I won't say anymore. I will go into it with an open mind and I'm thrilled that this MAJOR event, I am to be a part of! It should be thrilling.

A small delay...

Last night around 2 am my Internet stopped working. I am at work now. If I don't say anything for a little while, in the words of Marianne Faithfull, "Don't forget me."

This weekend I am going home to finally retrieve my passport. The bus ticket is bought and I feel full of resistance to head home. It's always difficult for me. Don't know why. It's for the trip to China, so I'm determined. I have everything else completed other than this and the letter of recommendation from my teacher.

Every girl in Venice longs for Casanova.

Unfortunately, I can't apply for this school because my parents make more than 75,000 a year. Since I'm still registered under his household and every now and then they grant me money, I apparently can AFFORD to pay for China by myself. This is a common complaint in most college students, so I am going to have to accept what is and cannot be changed.

Today I woke up feeling decent, but later than planned. Then I got the stabbing pains in my stomach. They are finally subsiding so I'm feeling much better. That's good to know for me. Yet, I still have no Internet as far as I know. Tonight I'll watch a DVD or go to bed early.

No new love, and you will be my true love.

I have three days off and yet I am spending it doing nada. Well I don't exactly wish to be crazy when hours before my stomach was reeling. Tomorrow shall be different I assure you! Or I don't, I lie terribly.

Our fashion, a fire of un-endless passion.

I'm also upset that The Spelling Bee Tickets I ordered, have yet to arrive. I smell an AWFUL post man. He will PAY if I don't get the tickets I ordered...pay DEARLY.

Simple are the ways of love.

Iguana Isn't Sure

Something tells me the Margaret Garner that I saw tonight at the NYC Opera, with The Gentleman Caller, will not become a household name. I mean it is a modern Medea tale. Then again what story isn't nowadays? I did get to see Toni Morrison in person. The only thing I could really ever say to her is, "Thank you for writing The Color Purple...because without it we wouldn't have the amazing movie and the interesting musical." Which would give her every right to slap me.

It had some decent orchestrations and Morrison reminded me of Handel...you know...she kept repeating the same line over and over again. It just failed to excite me. The lead never got a chance to really sing. In an Opera the lead woman (of who the opera is about) should have a "alone on the stage balls out this is MY show" song. Like Butterfly or Tosca have. It shows you who owns the stage. Yet, she had none really. The Plantation owner got two of those numbers and he bored me to tears.

What sort of annoyed me most of all was the fact that Garner wasn't hanged for killing her children. She died of Typhoid Fever. Why add a trial and a hanging scene? I know for dramatic effect, but it just seems ridiculous.

The boy who played her son (who was probably only like 6 or 7) he played the BEST dead body I've EVER seen...EVER!

And I've seen a lot of dead bodies.

It's good to see brand new works, so in that I'm happy. Plus it means that the Opera season has started. I just need to pick and choose wisely.

Kiss of The Spider Woman...AMAZING book. I am more than half way done and tomorrow and Thursday I plan on finishing it before the show.

I've discussed the Gentleman Caller enough this past week so I am going to forgo and thoughts on him tonight....

Three days off starting tomorrow (today) and hopefully going home this Friday/Saturday and laying my hands on my passport...Haircut tomorrow. Boring day, not much to report.

Amazing update on the normal life though! I "dumpster dived" and got a two drawer dresser and a small table...for the first time in over a year...I lie to you not. I have put my clothes away officially! They are in drawers! My room as suddenly expanded immensely. It's like I live in a palace now! Oh my! You don't know what this feeling is like.

It was so liberating, coming home at midnight. Seeing the furniture on the side of the street on the walk home. Going home and changing into normal clothes. Going back out, in shorts, a T-shirt and flip flops. I walked down the block and proved that I am actually VERY strong as I carried the heavy dresser back to my room. There was sweat, buckets of sweat. Some teats...almost. Then a lot of cleaning with antiseptic wipes. Much of that. After finishing I smiled. Sure the drawers are a little iffy and broken (they do work though), but I did it...on my own.

Here in Grey Gardens...

Looking Back

I can't sleep...So I went through my old Photobucket account...and I thought why not give people a glimpse of what I used to be. I'm sort of embarrassed by these photos...but I am suffering from insomnia so why not?

Warning: These were all taken my Freshman year of college. It's strange to know that this begins my "senior" year so this was about four years ago...So just to repeat I LOOK NOTHING LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!

Hello, My name is Craig. I'm 19 and I just moved to Brooklyn in NYC!! I'm going to art school! I have been bleaching my hair for 4 years now! And if I have any control over the future I will bleach it FOREVER!!! I have 6 piercings on my body...yea 4 of them are in my ears! [I actually DO miss having some piercings...idea...idea...]

This is my boyfriend, we've been dating for about a year now! We kept a very successful long distance relationship going while I was in college. I was "almost" faithful all the time. If I have it my way I will continued to bleach my hair FOREVER! And I'll marry my boyfriend...probably in Hawaii! This is us at the Gay Prom! We wore matching Marilyn Monroe T-shirts that year! I'm proud to say that I STILL fit into my prom outfit...if I don't breath. [Can you believe that he TOPPED me? Well we took turns...He was my hobbit and I did love him a lot]

Hey again! Winter nights in the dorms...you know what that means! This is during the blizzard of 2005! We walked across campus and got REALLY drunk...on Shmirinoff...well my friend next to me did! This is me after 3 or 4 shots of Bacardi 151! I call it liquid fire! When I drink it in a straight dorm I become the token gay! As the token gay I'm required to put try and put my legs behind my head. [Little did I know how many more times I would be doing this in my future...]

This is me in the 1982. JUST KIDDING! It's me in 2004 still. I just bought this Sweater from a hipster clothing store in Williamsburg! Look at my hair! Believe it or not I was so popular that night. It was October 30, and daylights savings too. We went out and everyone kept asking me, "Who are you supposed to be?!" And I simply responded, "Myself." [Can you SEE where the insanity was born? I think this picture captures the birth of what would someday become the Eccentric Iguana. Literally, I used to wear that around campus and to class? WHAT?! And can come of you understand why CHESS is my favorite musical? I mean REALLY?! I look like I'm a leftover from a Bob Mackie collection gone wrong!]

Bet you didn't realize I have a twin sisters. JUST KIDDING...AGAIN...for the third time! I'm on a role tonight! This was one of my best friends coming into school! People used to ask us if we were twins! No way! She's always horny and drinks to much, but I love her all the same! [Funny story...I used to think SHE was slutty...Apparently, that mirror has two faces.]

My auditions as an Avenue Q replacement didn't go so well that day! Craig Jr. and I didn't take it to heart though! We put on our tapping shoes and went to town! [Okay, this would probably be a picture you could show me someday years from now and say, "WHY DID YOU GO TO ART SCHOOL YOU THEATRE FAGGOT!?!" And I'll shrug.]

Finally, this is me an a REAL celebrity! Delta Burke! Isn't that amazing!...

Okay I can't lie on this one. I was PAINED to get this photo. You can see it in my face... At this time in my life I had never seen Designing Women (trust me I've made up for lost time) and she was at this benefit and I just wanted her photo because people knew her. This lady talked and talked and talked and talked AT ME!. I so believe that Suzanne Sugarbaker and Delta Burke are the SAME woman! I just love, love, LOVE the look on my face.

Yes, that was me...I was much younger then. It's humorous to see what a rough year can do to a person.

Iguana Is Fantastick!

The weekend moved by quickly, but quite enjoyably. Some ups and downs, but mostly ups. What's more surprising is the fact that this coming week, because my school is filled with many Jewish students. I only have class Monday and Tuesday. How insane is that? With Labor day, followed by this coming week with three days off, I feel I can't fully get into the school "mood." I know that come October and November I won't feel the same way.

This weekend was enjoyable because I finally saw The Fantasticks with the Gentleman Caller. He likes to rub it in that out of the "handful" of shows he's seen, he has seen like 2-3 that I have never seen. It's when he says things like that, that I am filled with the urge to slap him across the face. Figuratively not literally. He knows it bothers me and I find that admirable...I think.

What's great about finally seeing The Fantasticks is that I can NOW listen to the CD I've had for months and understand what is going on. It truly is one of those shows that you need to see before actually hearing it.

This should come as no surprise, but I found myself incredibly drawn to The Girl (or Luisa as she's called). Maybe it's the fact that Liza once played the role and I feel universally drawn to her. Not only that, she played it opposite Elliot Gould. So therefore if their characters procreated and Liza had a child (understand, this is ALL a hypothesis) that child would most likely be me.

It was more of the fact that The Girl is the dreamer of the show. Her song Much More was fascinating, and she had these quirky lines like, "I am special...please God, please! Don't let me be normal!" I sat there thinking, "Oh...I've said that many a time."

The show reminded me of a smaller version of Candide. It shared the idea that dreams don't last forever and reality, no matter how cruel must set in eventually.

Sometimes you need to die a little in order to grow.

The rest of the night was supposed to be spent in Astoria, Queens at a Dollywood Vs. Bollywood theme Birthday Party. With two DJ's literally spinning Dolly Parton and Indian Mixes. It was ultimately not in my Destiny to never go to this party. While waiting at my friend's apartment before the party, I went to use the bathroom.

While I was out of the room they got into a trivial fight. About what time we were supposed to leave. I feel that my being present at the time of this fight caused one of the couple to get flustered and he just left the apartment without saying a word, while I sat there. The other and I sat there watching TV for another hour, until he proclaimed that he wasn't going to the party. This one, not going, being my better friend (and the fact I was supposed to spend the night at the end of the party at their place, and he would leave much sooner than the other) gave me an address to meet the others at the party. I wasn't about to go now.

The Gentleman Caller to the rescue.

He let me come over to his place, because I didn't want to go home and I like to see him. We watched half of Capote and now I want to read In Cold Blood. Seeing as I have two books, amongst many other books for school, to read. I will put that one for later.

Speaking of which, I'm currently trying to speed through Manuel Puig's The Kiss of the Spider Woman before I see the musical. I'm not entirely upset if I don't finish reading it, the book is immensely different. It's brilliantly written, entirely in conversations between the two prisoners. Molina is such a lovely character, entrancing for me to read, yet he isn't perfect. It's wonderful. I wish I didn't know his fate because I am sure this book, and the musical may do it too, would put me into tears when it finishes. Time will tell.

I've been spending a lot of time with The Gentleman Caller lately. I sometimes find myself confused by what he takes it all as (ha! Understatement!) I like what it is and all that comes out of it. A friendship with kissing really is what it is right now. I'm not really in the state of mind to expect anything more and I am NOT in the mood to rush anything.

Let me figure out how to make this person my friend...

I feel comfortable with him. Not completely, but personality wise I am not worrying about idle things. I can act stupid and not worry. Plus, he's very handsome. I find myself looking at him when his back is turned...in his boxers...I know that I don't often feel that with other guys.

Oh GOD! I hope he knows I'm somewhat smart...

Because I am in the mood for it...

Betty Buckley was SEXY.

I don't care what you say...but she was a fox!

Iguana Appreciates Brilliance

*Warning*: the post below is written by someone who is absolutely Eccentric (mad) also known as myself...You've been warned.


So much happening where to begin. First above is a picture of the late Joan Diener. God bless her rough voice, it was amazing. For those of you who don't know her she was Aldonza in the original Man of La Mancha ("One pair of arms is like the other."). Also in Kismet ("Ladies shall we begin...service? What shall be the subject of our erotic discourse?"), but what I love her for is her role in At The Grand, which was the original Grand Hotel (of course I'm talking theater not movie). Apparently, it was a hit in L.A. but it would never get to Broadway. Why?

Well kids, that's why I am here to tell you the scandalous tale of Ms. Diener...that I heard from Ken Mendelbaum...indirectly.

The lead Paul Muni suffered from Paranoia that Diener was plotting against him. I would be too, she's sort of crazy. Due to it he barely slept and suffered the entire run. When the renewal of his contract was up he refused to resign. Therefore, since it was his show, the show was finished. How did Diener seek her revenge...in ways that I only dream of...

Muni was intensely afraid of cleavage and scantily clad women (yes, he was a piece of work, right?) During the final performance, a chorus girl intentionally slapped Muni in the face with her bare breast! But, Diener really had the last laugh in my opinion...

When during her curtain call, she "turned upstage to Muni and opening her full-length mink coat to reveal herself naked but for a long-stemmed rose between her legs." Now that is was I call a genius moment! (Not Since Carrie, 216)

Joan Diener is the stuff my dreams are made of!!

Onto the real stuff...

School is school. Getting used to it and all that jazz. Pretty soon the weeks will get a little more packed, but that has stopped me from doing what I like. Here's my schedule coming up:

• Seeing the Fantasticks with the Gentleman Caller — How thrilling! Seeing history with a man who was it during it's original NY run. I say that because he's 30 now, and he's been alive for the closing of a show and for them to revive it in his life. OH Jesus when that happens to me...I'll be SO happy. I've been waiting for a proper Side Show revival! (Roundabout BETTER not touch that property!)
  
• Seeing a Margaret Garner - The Opera with the Gentleman Caller — Are we married? A girl can dream, right? Honestly, I'm really happy he's going with me. This is REALLY exciting. In case you don't know. Toni Morrison teamed up and made Beloved into an Opera. Yea, I know...My friend said it's The Color Purple meets Porgy & Bess. It's a black woman singing, in short I was destined to see it before it came out.

Now only is Jennifer Holiday would do the role.

I can just see Margaret Garner (Holliday) at Trial for the murder of her daughter telling the jury:

"And I told her, 'You're not going!
You're the best daughter I ever had,
There's no way you can ever go!
No, no there's no way! No, no, no
no way! You're being a slave!
You're not gonna be a slave!
I want you to be free!
I'm saying, I'm saying!
You, you are gonna have to die!
I'm gonna murder you for your own good!
Cause I'm your mother...'"

Now I am SURE the score is much better, but listen to my lyrics with Dreamgirls playing and sing along. See how it sounds...

Go on try it...

• I'm seeing an the first return of Kiss of the Spider Woman to NYC since it's original run with one of my best friends! — I can't wait for that...It could be great, it could be awful. Regardless, it'll be wonderful to see this show! Once again my Theatre Powers* took action. The other day I was thinking about how close to Molina I am in my dreaming (of Anita Morris of course) and I thought...I wish I could see that show...Cut to this weekend when it was announced that they're doing a production. I'm just saying, I frighten myself sometimes.

That concludes my plans for the following week...(seriously)

• Seeing King Lear starring Ian McKellan — Normally 3 hours of Shakespeare wouldn't create such excitement. But, it's every one's favorite British Gay Icon! He's naked and he's brilliant! I'm thrilled if you can't tell.

There are other things also happening. Like the fact that I feel The Cyclist has dropped me, which I'm sort of fine with. It only proves my original thesis that he was on the hunt for sex. When I didn't provide two hours every time (but WHO CAN!? Well I can, but I don't brag) he is now moving. If this is true, I have sort of won. He's proving himself to me as an incredible flake and everything I expected.

Still I will not get to live out my fantasy of one day tying him up to his bed. Dousing him in gasoline, while I wear nothing but a jockstrap. I light a cigarette and tell him about how he needs to be humbled and that I warned him I was completely insane. I toy with him for a time and finally see him humbled. I throw the cigarette onto the bed, only to have it extinguished because in fact it was just water. I look at him and say, "Don't FUCK with the feelings of a emotional Cancer!" Put on my clothes and walk out of the room...leaving him tied up all the same.**

Enough craziness for one night, don't you think?

*Granted I think about every musical in the history of theater at every moment of everyday. So it's not hard for a production to come out that I'm like, "I was just thinking about that!" Nonetheless, I surprise myself sometimes. I am sure if I wished hard enough Laurie Beechman would come back from the grave, enter my room (fez and all) and perform Joseph and the Technicolor DreamCoat for me...I'm am just saying.
**I never put this dream into action because I am all about realism and I couldn't figure out how to make it so the liquid smelled of Gasoline, but was in fact just water. I just liked the idea of it...after all it was JUST a dream...