The Text of New Orleans

I have the photos and the videos of New Orleans, but what about what REALLY happened to me? I may as well write about it.

Day 1:

We boarded the plane, it was a very interesting trip to JFK Airport. I finished having sex with the Tall Man and I kissed him goodbye. He made Pot Brownies for his Thanksgiving Dinner and gave me one. So yes, I was getting stoned at like 11 am. I met up with a friend, we went from Subway to LIRR to the AirTram to JFK. JetBlue is one of the terminals. When I go to China I'll be in a different International Terminal which is equally thrilling!

We got on the plane and drank. I watched TV for the first time in a long while. The King and I was on, which was thrilling. Deborah Kerr ROCKS the giant skirt like it's no one's business. We arrived in New Orleans on time, which is an hour behind. We got to our cute little Frenchman Hotel. It's a beautiful place.

We hung out and went to Thanksgiving dinner at a hotel on Royal St. It was 38 dollars and was basically a HUGE meal...in the Style of Thanksgiving. We chatted and took pictures and drank. It was a very relaxed and merry time. I love Thanksgiving with my friends. I ordered a Pumpkin pie for dessert, but we think they gave me Quiche Lorraine instead. I ate it.

We went to Bourbon St. and played tourists. The "leader" of our Group, Jeffery, was getting as happily drunk and decided we needed patronize a sleazy bar that was called Big Daddy's Live Sex Acts. This was basically a stripper bar with a bed on stage, yet no fucking ever happened. We were approached by the male dancer who reeked of Meth-use. His missing teeth helped us discover that. Apparently he could tie his penis into a knot. Jeffery saw it during his lap dance.

We went to the two Bourbon St. Gay bars called Oz and Bourbon Street Pub, they're literally right across the street from each other. We hung out and drank, the drinks were weak.

Day 2:

I awoke and started my day off with Beignets. A love that would soon consume me throughout the trip. We split up, two Jeffs went to get a psychic reading. Eric joined me on my Tennessee Williams Walking Tour I created.

I saw his first apartment he lived in the French Quarter. The Apartment he wrote Ten Blocks on the Camino Real, his most surreal play, that his agent said to lock it away and never show anyone it. The apartment where he first wrote his first draft of A Streetcar Named Desire and the apartment he owned when he died. It was a very insightful walk and I loved every moment of it. I also bought two books called The Tennessee Williams Annual Review. The 1999 and 2000 editions. Yes, people still write articles about his writings. Wunderbar!

We had lunch at Napoleon's House and I ate Jambalaya. Which tasted like Uncle Ben's, but I'm not picky. We walked around and I bought tickets to a little showing of Purlie in The Little Theatre on The French Quarter. It was celebrating it's 91st Season...that means it'll be good...right? More on that later.

The psychic was so amazing my friend's said that I got a reading. His name was Philip and he felt my palm and told me different traits about me, before I told him I'm a Cancer. Which was impressive they were specific enough to not seem fake. He told me I'm very routine oriented and I don't like my shit thrown up in the air. He then asked me how my stomach was. I told him fine. According to him I'll never leave the city. I'll find the love of my life in 3-4 years and sooner than that I'll have a chance for children in 2 years. I'm perplexed by it, but we shall see. He also told me I will get a chance to write a play soon...hmmmm. He also told me I won't leave my job until I finish school. And that folks is where I go against my fortune...

We returned to the hotel and I decided to go out walking, I had half of a magical cookie and called my mother. We chatted I told her my psychic encounter, she loved it. I found The Bourbon Street Pub and sat watching the New Orleans gays. It was about 10 minutes later that the Magical Cookie kicked in. I wasn't moving, wasn't talking and was just sitting there enjoying the ride.

My friends called me and I met up with them. They saved me from my trance. We went out drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking. I got dizzier and dizzier, but was having fun. We went to a new bar called Raw Hide and yes it had that very demeanor.

At this point I was just dizzy, meaning I can't see much. I am not close to passing out. I just can't focus on anyone in particular. This man shows up and just starts rubbing my leg. I can tell two things through my haze. He's way old, but trying to pretend he's young. Also he's probably a prostitute of some kind. I excuse myself to go pee and get away from the creepy man. He follows me into the bathroom and proceeds to try and jerk me off.

In my drunk/high stupor I look at him and say, "I'm just here to watch." Probably with a goofy smile on my face too. He walks away and perhaps it was my state of mind, but I swear he walked into a bathroom stall and about seven other men followed him in there. Just like a clown car. I swear!

I returned to the bar with my friends and the creepy man followed me. I was a little surprised, finally one of them stepped in and told him, he's not interested! I decided I couldn't continue on. I walked...stumbled home. It's a surprise that I didn't get killed. I was clearly out of it and hiccuping the entire way home. People were looking at me.

To be continued...

Videos of New Orleans...

For an EXTRA added bonus, here are some videos my friend took. I'm posting three of my favorites and a fourth that's funny. The rest you can view HERE. They're all rather short and enjoyable.

The first three about from our swamp tour. Our tour guide was Captain Ted. He was amazing. He told stories throughout the entire trip and it never stopped! We were mesmerized by it all. One of the Jeff's thought it was all an act. You be the judge...










The last video is of our time eating at ACME Seafood. It was GREAT and delicious. I'm in the background eating ice...

New Orleans Trip...

Our favorite house on the trip...SO Sunset Blvd.

Will I ever blog before midnight?

Some notes before the picture posts of my trip to New Orleans.

1. Broadway Strike is over!!! And unless you had a second doubt I bought tickets to see A Chorus Line again. It's going to be thrilling to see a show the day after the strike ended. Especially one of my favorite all time shows. I feel as though my arm is complete again.
2. Patti LuPone is coming BACK to Broadway in Gypsy...this time full scale! So many good things to learn about in ONE day!

Onto the trip. I'm going to use pictures of my journey progressively while telling a tale...

This is the group of us at a bar. We're all VERY drunk here. I'm actually drunk and stoned. We had these "magical" cookies that helped enhance my trip

This is before the above. My first time having Mexican food and enjoying it A LOT. You can thank those cookies for that one.

In a New Orleans Cemetary, three of my travel mates names was Jeff. How odd right?

We love Beignets. Those are like Fried Dough but amazing. I think I ate about 30 of them in the five days I was there. We were walking home and saw this creepy statue, we shared our food. The bitch didn't respond.

Eric, Jeff, Me, Jeff on Bourbon St. We went into one of those sleazy sex bars where they promised us LIVE SEX ACTS, but nothing like that happened. Only badly made 6 dollar drinks.

I look chubby here, but my friends claimed this looked like a record album. The Velvet Goldmine?

If you can't tell Eric is one of my good friends we dress alike not on purpose, but because we are kindred spirits. He's in Florida now, I miss him almost TOO much. This is Thanksgiving dinner, which was delicious.

Now if you can't tell, I was drunk and stoned in this picture. Can you tell? I love the disco ball though.

This is us being VERY loud and obnoxious at the famous Blacksmith Bar. The piano woman hated me after I requested Judy Garland and Cole Porter.

No comment. I did love being allowed to smoke in the bars.

This is us going through the Wardrobe into the Land of Narnia...

These are my good friends. Posing gaily (well I'm posing gaily) on our first night there. The other Jeff I'd just met that day.

Because I don't necessarily want to write about the whole trip my friend Jeff's Blog is doing a GREAT job of that for me...

Oh P.S.

I felt like this coming into my apartment from vacation today:




It contains all I felt.

"Honey I'm home...of I forgot I'm not married." — No one to cuddle up with an talk about my vacation.

Drinking the milk by the carton — Wanting to eat myself into nothingness.

Listening to the Messages — Remembering all the things I left behind that I need to deal with

Listening to the message about perfume — Remembering I'm alone again...

The nervous breakdown — What I've wished I could do since I was 12 years old...

Becoming Catwoman — I repeat: What I've wished I could do since I was 12 years old.

Back to the Old Grind

Where to begin, where to begin?

New Orleans was fun. Incredibly. I could start in the beginning, but it's late and I'm tired and no one TRULY cares about my trip...

However, since it's FAR to late to start tonight, I leave you this this little prelude...

Prepare yourself for a tale of psychics, Tennessee Williams, Hurricanes that don't taste like alcohol, swamp tours that leave you teary-eyed. Piano bar singers with attitude, cunty/ellitist drag queens. Zeydeco, Rock and Jazz music. Magical cookies. Throwing up. Ghosts and Cemetaries. Southern Go-Go Boys, love and over-priced tattoos...

William Finn would write an amazing opening number just based off this little blurb.

A Streetcar Named Retarded

I leave to New Orleans tomorrow. Yet I'm so tired and groggy. I got stoned with The Cyclist last night, but then I decided halfway through foreplay I wasn't feeling sex with him. Therefore I didn't go to the gym. Which means I may be starting this vacation off badly.

Since I just woke up and I have to go to work in less than an hour and I need to bring my suitcase because I'm spending the night over someone new in my life's house. That I haven't mentioned. Anyway, in order to get pre-New Orleans sex, I have to be ready today! So I'll have more to discuss when I return.

I Resolve...

I swear, the day that an attractive gay man under the age of...let's say...27 finds me attractive enough to actually ACT on it, will be a day that I will forever remember!

I don't know what happened?! Where did I go terribly wrong? I had two chances this weekend, where I was there. He was there (and under 27). And we knew why we were there. Sex was supposed to be had. It was going to happen and yet it didn't.

I swear, I really don't enjoy being an aggressive bottom. It's like being Ethel Merman. We're both very good at what we do, yet we seem out of place.

That's exactly it, when bottoms have to be aggressive it's just like Ethel Merman's entire career.

Baby if I'm the bottom, you're the top...

Don't even start me on what Rose's Turn means in my life...

Judy, Judy, Judy!

I've reawakened the Judy Garland love I have had for years and years recently. Now it wasn't asleep, I just realized that I removed her from my vocabulary and seemed to replace her with Patti LuPone. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's what I do, I go on phases when I always love some diva. Except Anita Morris, Anita is always loved...ALWAYS.

But in honor of Ms. Garland I am posting three of my favorite movie clips of her. See them before youtube.com removes them. In the first, The Trolley Song is a young Judy who went from little Dorothy Gale who was so innocent. To a sex symbol who was truly a beautiful woman!



The second is Get Happy, where my favorite story of Judy can be told. The day before they shot this Judy did it completely drugged out of her mind and was a huge mess. The director said, "Go home...come back tomorrow and do it correctly." Scolding her! The next day Judy showed up and the results are before you. This was also Judy's final movie at MGM and what a way to go, huh?



Lastly, is The Man That Got Away, perhaps one of the most amazing versions of this I'd ever heard. To know that Judy was singing this song for years and years, but she reinvented it for this movie. Her crowning glory! Only to get snubbed at the Oscars...why do I love the underdogs who don't win the awards? Is that some sort of bizarre symbol?



Brava, Judy!

Not a Shiksa Goddess

Hearing Judy Kuhn talk about Chess in 1988 really makes me smile

:-) << Just like that.

Judy is a little too polite about things in general. You know she doesn't like to step on toes...but I love her and want to hear her dish. I want to see her (once Broadway reopens) in Les Mis as Fantine before it closes.

My favorite quote of this interview is:
Interviewer: The lovely ibdb.com tells us as well as playing Cosette you also are referred to as...whore.

Now the real tale:

The last payment for China requires me to go to the Speech Office in my school. Now I am required to take Speech...yes...but there is a way to get out of it you take a speech screening test. Apparently they make you read this passage that contains all of the different sounds you can make. I plan on taking it someday, who knows when really. Just as long as I don't have to take that class...

So some girl was asking this homely, I mean homely Jewish girl. Now, I know that may be stereotyping, but I go to Brooklyn College, where every girl is basically Jewish. On top of this the girl was socially awkward too. Matchmaker, anyone? No seriously this girl needs a hardcore Matchmaker...

She was a huge...not hot...HUGE mess. I stood there watching her speak and I was in disbelief, pure disbelief! It was phenomenal! I wish I had a video clip of her or something...

Where Am I Going?

First can anyone tell me who this is? Not the Patti LuPone I know...Yet I admire his attempt.

Therapy was interesting. I can't wait to go back. People ask me if it felt different or if I felt better. I can't answer that yet. After some time we shall know. I enjoyed her though. She's a graduate and very nice. Stay turned.

My aunt called and canceled The Lion King, due to the Broadway Strike...this time...it's personal. Not really, it just means my weekend is now fully open to anything. No plans...that's odd. We shall see what happens.

I am getting a point in my life...where I am walking down the street with my eyes shut. Today I did it for five seconds. That may not seem like a long time, but it is when your eyes are closed. Nothing fancy, just eyes closed. I don't even try and memorize where I am. I just look and close them. I don't know what I am expecting to come from that...

One Day More...

When will this Broadway Strike end?!? My aunt was coming down with half my family this weekend to see The Lion King...and she invited me. Guess not. In all honesty I don't mind that it's happening. It's cool to be living when a huge historic event (for better or for worse) is happening right near you.

I mean I'd still settle for a job with Broadway so I could be REALLY part of the strike. Steps though, steps...small steps.

I saw the Radio City Musical Hall Christmas Spectacular! last night. I was stoned and with friends, it was absolutely amazing. Being in the bathroom at Radio City, when high is like being in paradise. Try it sometime.

Otherwise, on the way home last night I was listening to the end of Nine the Musical (starring Ms. Morris) and Anita's Simple and Karen Akers' Be On Your Own caused me to start crying while walking home. It was strange, yet I knew exactly why I was crying.

The Newest Villian in my life

I am in love with the IDEA of Charlotte St. Martin. Google her, she has to do with the Broadway Strike. In my mind she's VERY evil and has a deep husky voice. She meets every night with Mel Brooks and they crackle about the Broadway strike and how it's boosting the sales of Young Frankenstein!

I mean look at this picture:

When I see this picture I hear the following conversation...

Ms. St.Martin: Orfeh, there is a strike coming to Broadway soon. It's all Mel and I. Lucky for you I can protect you, all I want in return is...your talent.

Needless to say Charlotte never saved Orfeh upon realizing he had no talent.

Another Closing of Another Show

Oh daddy, that fatso! Then he flew out the window, dirtied the ground below...

The play is finished, I start back to the normal bump and grind. I'm in a slight fear though. I have a research paper due on the 20th for my English class. I don't know how I am going to write it, but I will. It's ridiculous this work I get and can't do. Can't do all in time, it keeps coming and coming. I am trying, this is due, that is due...It's all DUE!

I kissed the cat, my daddies dead. I'm feeling fat, my mommies thin. Daddy is a winner, but we all fall down.

I usually look forward to going back to work, yet I don't tomorrow. Not at all. Not in the least. In fact it makes me very upset I am going back. My mother said I should quit next year. I think I will quit next year. Not next year but soon, very soon. It's too much. I'd sooner have no job.

College days...My best of friends had married men, with brains and money!

I went to a show in Brooklyn tonight called Yank! A new Musical. Not as dirty as it sounds. In fact it was a brilliant little piece of theater. I hope there can be success for it. It was nice to have a new musical that was REALLY good. Not for show. Like certain movie musicals that run Broadway.

Then the crash, there I said it! No more cash no more credit!

It also reminded me that I am not happy. This is how the progression of my mind worked. Leaving the school show, going to a small theater, seeing all these older gay men from the theater world. It all came to me. I shouldn't tell people about my job and feel horribly upset about it. I just shouldn't! Yet, that's how it starts all the time. "I am a financial printer...it's awful...picture the most boring job in the world and take away the lunch break."

On Wall Street these men stood. Then they flew out the window, right on the neighborhood...

That's how it always starts and plainly I'm getting sick of it. I'm getting tired of the mundane nonstop work. With no perks. They don't even buy us pizza when we're slammed, instead they just work and work and work us. Expecting us to be content. How exactly does that work? I ask you? The only reason I haven't had it is because I only work there three days a week. Yet, if that's enough to drive me nuts. Then really how can I make it through the summer? Oh yes, summer classes/possible internship. It's gotten to the point if they let me go I would shrug. A simple job would truly be nice.

I was young and he was rich! He made his pitch and we got married.

China first and then the future. China first. You can make it through China, of course you can. Actually, New Orleans first, China next.

He read books and I wore furs. First there's smoke, doom is brewing we went broke...

I don't remember if I've actually ever mentioned that for Thanksgiving I am going to New Orleans with some of my good friends. I'll be there for five days. I will not worry about anything. I don't care what papers or such are due. I won't really touch them, I don't plan on it.

I want to work in theatre, I don't care how. But I do know with this job I can no longer pretend it's helping me achieve my goal. It's only keeping me back.

Then he flew, then...then he flew. Dammit he used the doorway, left me for someone new...

It's odd how my mind works. I wanted to write about how I took the bus to the theater today and ran into a guy who I was going to sleep with, but never have. He was on a date/hookup. Who knows. We said hello, we were on the bus together. It couldn't be avoided. In my mind though I wanted to say, "I'm going to put on my ipod now. I am glad you're so busy to hang out you can go home with this guy and have dinner and watch a movie." Though, I didn't. Instead I laughed and joked. I can say though I looked good in my new coat (that I stole, more on that later) and my scarf. So though deep down inside he had the upper hand with his date/hookup and I was going to the theater alone. I looked good...Yes, tell yourself that and you'll feel better...right?

My daddy, friend's husbands they at least used the window! Credit where credits due! I wish mine died, then I wear black. I'd eat my pride and say I shoved him! Holy Christ I think I loved him!

Notes on a Scandal

• Broadway is on Strike...this means two things for me, either the end of the world is coming or I need to get a new hobby for the time being. I am guessing the latter. Thank God I'm so sophisticated that I still have off, off-off, local and cabaret theater to attend. Like tonight, I'm seeing Yank! The Musical at the Gallery Players in Park Slope. In the words of Bea Arthur, "Nobody is gonna rain on my..."
• I am almost finished with my play. This is good news as the show stunk and was extremely boring. And the three leads were all divas. I mean they were nice and all, but when an actor gets on their thesis role, they change. Oh God do they change.
  
• I think I had sex with a serial killer. No more need be said, except that yes I have sort of returned to sex. And the inaugural performance was with a guy who couldn't look me in the eyes, yet was bold as anyone. He was very controlling, yet incredibly shy. He made small talk while sucking my cock. Look for my new book, "Now I survived a Serial Fucking."
  

Yes, I have returned. Here she is boys!

• I watched Contact, best musical of 1999. It was enjoyable and original, yet a little contrived. Wonderful to see though. I enjoyed the first and second part, the third had some good dances, but it dragged a little. Except Charlotte D'Amboise as the Wife...I'm still convinced either it was her choice or the character is supposed to be otherwise engaged.

I'm listening to Wicked right now, does that mean I'm depressed?

Worst Pies in London

And because Cleo Laine is freak to look at, but her voice is dandy...

The Survey I was meant to do...

Broadway Meme

1. Age: 22

2. Male or Female: Male

3. Favorite Broadway (or other) musical: Chess and Follies

4. Favorite Broadway (or other) straight play: A Streetcar Named Desire and The Night of the Iguana

5. Worst Broadway (or other) Musical: Mimi LeDuck (Off), The Kiss of the Spider Woman (Off-off) and The Times They Are A'Changin

6. Worst Broadway straight (or other) play: Prelude to a Kiss (Revival)

7. Favorite Musical movie: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and Xanadu

8. Worst Musical movie: RENT

9. Favorite Cast Recording: This is difficult: Follies, Two Gentlemen of Verona and one of the MANY Chess recordings I have.

10. Worst Cast Recording: I listen to many musicals. There's not one I DON'T listen to. Even if it's bad.

11. Favorite Musical Theatre actress: Anita Morris and Patti LuPone and a touch of Judy Kuhn

12. Favorite Musical Theatre Actor: Michael Cerveris

13. Favorite Theatre Actor: Ian McKellan and Billy Crudup

14. Favorite Theatre Actress: Mary-Louise Parker and Jennifer Ehle

15. Favorite Solo Album by a Broadway star: Liza's CDs

16. Favorite composer/Lyricist: William Finn

17. Favorite Playwright: Tennessee Williams

18. Favorite Broadway song: Rose's Turn and A Call from the Vatican

19. Broadway shows you have seen more than once: Chita Rivera's The Dancer's Life and The Coast of Utopia

20. Role that you would love to play: The Man in the Chair (The Drowsy Chaperone) and Prior Walter (Angels in America)

Good Things Come To Those...

I would be in bed right now, I really would, but I'm waiting for the two William Finn shows that only an entry ago I mentioned and someone is gracefully giving me. I'm forever grateful! Thank you Robbie!

In other news, I signed up for my first therapy session this coming Tuesday. I made that big step and we shall see what happens with that one. Perhaps I'll work through these issues. Do I have issues you ask? I do have issues I suppose, but who doesn't?

Small Sidenote: The Royal Family of Broadway by William Finn is sort of Fabu. Carolee Carmello and Melissa Errico? Can it get better? Yes, Marcia Lewis is with us too.

This play is awful, but I'm getting good little pushes on my homework. I'm doing both wardrobe and calling cues. I'm every woman, it's all in me. And tomorrow morning I plan on running 4.25 miles at the gym.

How do you do it all Iguana? You ask, yet I can't answer. It's difficult to answer. Instead I may just speak randomly. Try and follow me shall you?

Something interesting happened to me this evening...This has never happened...yet it's possible. This is proof that I was once a good and considerate person:

12:27:39 AM Me: Katherine told me you were asking about me
12:27:40 AM Beka: i love how katherine just hooked us up lol
12:27:46 AM Me: how utterly sweet of you
12:27:50 AM Me: no one has ever asked about me
12:28:02 AM Beka: well mark me down as the first :-D
12:28:12 AM Beka: ok but heres why:
12:28:20 AM Me: please do tell
12:28:36 AM Beka: i was thinking today of burnt hills and remembered all the wonderful emails you sent me in 9th grade
12:28:47 AM Beka: even though my parents were crazy and screened everything
12:28:58 AM Me: Oh my goodness
12:29:01 AM Beka: and how you took me under your wing in our theater class
12:29:04 AM Me: that was ages ago
12:29:11 AM Beka: and i was like oh my goodness, craig is a good man
12:29:20 AM Beka: because i was the sheltered little homeschooled girl
12:29:25 AM Me: I can't believe you remember that, cause I barely do
12:29:30 AM Beka: and you saved me from sinking into oblivion
12:29:30 AM Me: Do you still have the emails
12:29:35 AM Me: I did?
12:29:45 AM Beka: um yes
12:29:53 AM Beka: because id go right to class after homeroom
12:29:56 AM Beka: (loser)
12:30:04 AM Beka: and you told me i had to go walk around with you
12:30:06 AM Beka: and i did
12:30:18 AM Beka: therefore saving me from loser status forever and ever
12:30:24 AM Me: awww
12:30:29 AM Me: I wasn't even popular haha
12:30:45 AM Me: is it possible I could read some of these emails cause I want to remember better
12:30:54 AM Me: my email is ________@_____.com
12:31:17 AM Beka: definitely, i have them on my computer at home so i can send them over thanksgiving break

Yea, it's true! The story goes like this. In my Freshman year of High School I took intro to theater and this girl entered named Beka who spent her entire childhood being home schooled and had no friends. I introduced her to the right people and she soon became one of the most popular girls in my school...well not my school, but my social circle.

I can't believe I did that. Who was that boy? I am still in shock it was me. I was once kind an understanding? Now I scramble for affection and friendship like I'm some kind of parasite.

Well I don't do that necessarily, but things have surely changed. What happened to that boy who I barely remember. I'm curious to reread these emails I sent. I can't remember them for the life of me. Expect to see them after Thanksgiving!

Quick Bed Time Note:

Sleep well moon. Sleep well.

The school play has started and I am not working for the weekend. I'm trying to get ahead of homework, yet it keeps building...

I keep having to take deep breaths, to help calm my mind. Last night, I saw Make Me A Song. It's a William Finn musical revue. All a person needs to do is sit through these 90 minutes and you can understand why shows like Legally Blonde and Wicked are pure waste. William Finn has written some of the most amazing songs I have ever heard.

I'll never forget the day I first hear March of the Falsettos and learned later that it was a trilogy and it became a quest to get all three. I did and I listened to it for years, it changed my life. It was (and still is) amazing. The performers in this show all have amazing voices and great personalities. It's really great! It made my night.

A New Brain
March of the Falsettos
In Trousers
Falsettoland
Ellegies: A Song Cycle
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Infinite Joy

All terrific shows that should be heard if you even consider yourself a theatre fan. I'm still waiting for the day when Romance in Hard Times (or America Kicks Up It's Heels) will fall into my lap. The day will come, I am sure. Life has weird ways of working.

Despite the happiness of this rant. I've been doing so-so. Trying to keep it all under control. I skipped the gym this morning. So I am off to sleep to not skip the gym tomorrow. My friends told me their New Years Eve plans and I am horribly jealous. Then again I am content that I will be in China for New Years, yet it won't be anything special there.

As the days get closer, I grow more and more terrified of the trip itself. It's like a door I've always wanted to open. After I open it I can never close it again. Oh goodness...One day at a time, Iguana, one day. That's the best you can do.

Rethinking the Situation

I was hanging out with someone last night. It's very difficult to hang out with someone who is only a year or so older than you. To hear about their terrific life and all that. The high paying job they have, how lucky they were with their career path. How they can afford 1000 a month on an apartment. They've traveled the world. Etc. They have themselves put together pretty well.

It's also more difficult hearing these things while high. I get slightly paranoid and more quiet than normal. So I probably seemed like an even bigger Hot Mess. I sometimes meet people when I'm high (as I am won to do) that I can't tell if it's just my mind, mixed with the paranoia, or factual that they get VERY angry. Like they have these moments of aggressive behavior mixed with unnecessary angry they they can normally hide when sober, but it sneaks out when their attention it less focused.

So things like me telling this guy about my job, that I am not longer enjoying. Yet I stay there because, A. I am close to the boss and I know we're short on people and I don't want to quit for no apparently reason. As I can't really look for another job now, since I'm going to China in a month and I have classes still. and B. That I am still in school and this is not a job I plan on sticking at, I know someday I'll leave it. Chances are, sooner than later.

Instead of understanding, he lets out this angry comment to me about, "It's not worth staying there when you're wasting your potential and you are compromising your talent!" In a normal moment I would defend this...At this spacey moment I took it in silence. As I sometimes do.

This goes back to my fears from the other day. You know, not sure what I can do right now...

I just hope to be as famous and fabulous as her someday...

Warning, this is almost TO FUNNY. You may die of laughter:

Seeing the Family

The other day I had a revelation about my life. At first it hit me as just a small note, then as the days have passed it's made me a little unsure about life.

I was thinking how there is two ways of acting: Character or Method. I don't like acting (especially in college) because I find Method Acting bizarre. I like to play for laughs and I play to an audience. Method doesn't do that. I digress...

I realized today that I think I can't even methodically live LIFE. At first this thought made me laugh. Then I realized I somewhat do. I only feel comfortable when I'm telling a story and not talking about myself.

I can't be honest about serious facts about myself, just certain things. This causes me to get shy or awkward or mumble when I speak about myself. Yet I can feel really comfortable telling a story about anything else if I know it'll get laughs.

This is something that now slightly scares me. I need to pay more attention to this and work on it, well at least realize it for the issue that it is.

I need to confront it and change it. It's something that must change I feel...

Sometimes I love the wrong things...

Other than I will be going to therapy soon probably to sort out these weird issues...this made me laugh hysterically for all the wrong reasons...

Something that's not happened in a while...

As usual, before I get underway. I wish to express some issues of life, to be serious for a moment. That's much different from the normal jive I spin out on here. However, before I get underway, one quick musical tidbit...

I Can Get It For You Wholesale's orchestrations really reminds me of West Side Story's. Which is ridiculously absurd. I listen and I am oddly remind of it. Moving along...

School, school, school. It's been causing insomnia and doubts in life. 2008 is approaching and I'm still trying to figure out what it's all about. It's been four years since this "journey" began and I'm none the more clearer. Ideally, I would like to go into something along the lines of Dramaturgy/Archivist or Casting. I know the former probably sounds boring, but to me I find it incredibly fascinating. I get a bootleg of Sideshow and I feel like I've just received a new pair of Diesel shoes. Casting, I've been doing casting for the movie and I just like that idea.

In short, I would love to work in the New Public Library in the archives or something like that. Or cast for shows. The difficult part is I'm not all that "nerdy" for Dramaturgy. And they don't exactly have a Casting major. Thought 1 finished.

Next would be my ultimate spiral down Spinster-dom. I know at 22, I can't REALLY say I'm becoming a Spinster, I mean I was once a slut, right? So how does that happen so suddenly. Yet, why do I feel no attraction to anything anymore (I mean sexually)? Why have I gone on some dates and just think, this won't work about five minutes into the date.

I feel more solace alone or with good friends where there is no chance of anything happening. I no longer feel the need for sex at this moment in my life. Even if I pretend I'm horny, I don't feel like making the time for it at all.

Ever have a moment when people all have this idea, and you know it sounds easier than the ideas you do. Yet you can't conform. Like the idea of having sex with a guy openly, where there's nothing exclusive. It makes all the sense in the world to me.

I'm a generation raised on false hopes that there's a perfect person for you out there. I was raised on these beliefs. Yet, it all seems to just FALSE. People meet they date and build lives together. Then one day they get bored and disaster strikes and they have to rebuild. That's how it really works, right?

No one will see me and want to date me. I'm too specific for this whole system. Yet, someone to smile my way is a nice feeling. I think it's time I reread The Night of the Iguana again. There is nothing wrong at all with being celibate, or choosing to be that way.

I just fear that the feelings I'm feeling about sexuality right now aren't permanent. I wish I could know what went wrong in the last year that I suddenly just changed? It's perplexing to me, I have ideas, yet I'm not ready to discuss them. This is where therapy would help, but I can't afford that. So into the blog it goes.