NAACP

Things change so quickly. I have a telephone interview, but in the last couple of days I have begun working at the NAACP. It was supposed to be for scanning, but it seems that I am making a little more money, to create some sort of index. It's foolish and a little overwhelming. There is no supervision, but it seems like a place to make a mistake. I know I probably will.

Supervisor isn't my ideal in anyway. There is rumor that I will be a supervisor to scanners, but I do believe that is a lie. We shall see. The hours have changed and I'm going to have to get used to a new schedule. Then there's the telephone interview tomorrow that could lead to a better job.

Then there's the Lady Gaga tickets I just got for Atlantic City! It's on July 4th, which makes it a couple days ahead of the one in New York City. Plus, I rarely ever want a reason to go to Atlantic City. This is good enough reason to make the journey out. I think I will wrap lace around my head.

Butterflies Are Free

Everyday I apply to a job, or I try to. I'm trying to ride my bike more often, but with the rain that has been difficult. I am doing the five boro bike tour in the beginning of May. It's going to be an exciting day. I will be doing it with my brother. We don't normally talk, I'm not very close to my siblings.

I know that my brother is 28-years-old and just bought his first house. It's in upstate New York, close to the rest of my family. Bike riding doesn't require a lot of conversation, which will make the day move along nicely.

I'm watching Butterflies are Free. With Goldie Hawn in the role that Blythe Danner made famous. Goldie's hair is so big! She's a delight, especially to see her really acting. She's so cute and sincere.

Rainy Nights and Days

It's been raining all night and day. It's been aggravating and has forced me to stay inside for most of the night. I've been stir crazy and watching episodes of The Office and playing video games. I feel like I've taken a vow of silence, there is no one around. Except Bumble, who doesn't make much conversation.

The days have been filled with confusion and a fear of the future. In a recent play I saw there was a line that was said, "Life is full of pain, but it's up to you if you want to do the suffering." In the mediocre show, this line was sappy, but appreciated. Especially when it was spoken by Tallulah Bankhead by way of Valerie Harper. That's how I have been feeling life is right now, full of painful moments. Though I'm trying valiantly not to suffer to much.

I talked with The Construction Worker about my fears about myself. I am trying to accept the fact that I've met a man who has my best interests in mind. It felt slightly pitiful to realize all these fears are in my head. I have such a difficult time articulating myself. I fear for my apartment situation. I fear for my financial future. I fear for a lot of things.

Which way is home?

My Nose

I had an accident with my sleeping pills and sleepwalking. It ended with part of my nose being cut off, literally. I took one sleeping pill when I was awake, but while I was sleepwalking, I took four more. That's where it all began and ended. I walked around the apartment thinking there was someone there. Then I climbed out onto the fire escape and called The Construction Worker on my phone. . .while asleep.

Luckily I climbed back into the apartment in a sleepy haze. As I climbed into the window I fell. I hit my head against the window and my glasses sliced off a part of my nose. True story. I woke up then, but was still drugged up and in a haze. I sat in blood and waited for the Constructive Worker to arrive. He healed me and put me to bed. . .

It was his birthday.

The Calm

Seasons are changing and it's getting warmer out. I've purchased a new phone and have downgraded to a simple phone. I think it's a simple phone, but we're doing it to downgrade the price of an iPhone.

Then there is the changing of the jobs. I'm applying to things and certain funds are ending. There are things that have been said and the future rests on these choice words. The future rests on so much and it looks slightly grimmmm at times.

I have been feeling mad at times. I am swallowing my pride these days and sorting paper. Sorting paper. Sorting paper. Always with the sorting of the paper. Where once was a time that I felt dreams were possible. They still are, but I can't figure the simpler things out.

My boyfriend is silent most times. I am not sure what is on his mind and that makes me anxious. His thoughts are deep and quiet. Time is moving in a strange pacing and I just don't know what to think. I'm trying to get used to this silence, especially since it's so far into this relationship. Silence does not equal bad things. . . I think.

My boyfriend's birthday is today.

This is what I intend to say in his card:

Happy 40th Birthday! We've only been together for a short time and I know I will never fully understand the life you had before 40.
That aside, I would be honored to spend time with you in the next 40 years of your life. The time that I've spent with you has been a very happy time for me.
You are smart and I find you incredibly attractive, even aside from that I find your active personality incredibly amazing and I still am trying to figure it out.

I am still trying to figure out exactly what love is, and it's a word that people weigh a lot of mental energy into,but I know that what I have been feeling lately when I think about you is probably very close to what "loving" someone must feel like. I just don't know if I wanna give that feeling a finite definition right now, because what I feel for you can't be explained with words. Happy birthday, wolf.

xoxo
E.iguana