The Umbrellas Cherbourg

I spent most of yesterday throwing up. All this talk of Swine flu had me nervous that I had caught it. Turns out it was probably just food poisoning. Hurrah!

I'm seeing Billy Elliot the Musical tomorrow. It's interesting, it's one of those shows I have little interest in. I loved the movie and thought it was sweet. An Elton John score means I may be terribly disappointed, but perhaps I'll be pleasantly surprised. I heard the dancing is superb and that's why I want to see it.

I meant to write more, but I got distracted looking for The Secret Garden to re-listen to. Oh well, it's not like I have anything profound to say these days.

I Don't Know Why . . .

This weekend was a delight. It really was. I saw plenty of good friends and I got lots of good sun. I walked in the park. I did hot yoga, which I now love. I watched good movies and slept fairly well.

Yet, at the end of this weekend I feel lonely. I feel as if something is missing. I will not let it ride into my mind anymore than tonight. I will not wake up tomorrow feeling these feelings.

Tonight though, tonight I can't help but feel them.

I have been quiet these last few weeks, but for good reason. I'm working things out in my mind, trying to put it all in place. I wish it would just click, but I know there is work to be done.

I guess that's all for tonight. That's all there can be.

Losing Focus

I'm 23-years-old. It's okay to feel nervous and unsure about the future! There is nothing wrong with that!

These last few weeks I have just felt such anxiety and a fear of the future. Today marks exactly one month until I finish classes forever. I enter the world of adults and begin a life!

Unfortunately, I have been having a dilemma these days. I just feel like I have lost my focus. There are those people who have plans. They will do this and be here at this point in their life. I don't know if I have that, or have had it for sometime.

That's what scares me, the fact I can't even figure it out. I try to think about my future, but I just don't know. I suppose I could start general and just pick big goals and let those lead into specifics.

I watched the HBO Grey Gardens this weekend. It was amazing and was a great movie to add to the Grey Garden's Legacy. It shook me though, I mean what does not shake me these days? Watching Little Edie in her youth, the things she thought, did and said. They were me.

I began to get worried that I could possibly end up trapped somewhere my whole life. That I did not want to be in. I know that recognizing this fear, means I won't allow myself to ever get trapped in that situation. Yet, there are somethings in life that happen and we can't control. . .

Oh, I'm letting these ghosts sit around for to long. We will keep going! As we do!

The Danger Party

Last night the ShyGuy and I went to the Brooklyn Masonic Temple and attended the Danger Party.

It reminded me of a cross between short bus and a rave. We took some shrooms to begin the night and then someone offered us Mali, which is the "purest part of E". Which I took two and really feel I was tricked. Straight people don't understand their drugs. Then someone sold us a pill of what I guess was actual E. ShyGuy made that decision, I just decided why not?

Yes, yes the chemicals! The dangers. These are the challenges of life. All I really got from all that is night sweats and I started rolling when I was in bed. Cause I couldn't fall asleep.

The party was multiple rooms. The upstairs being a auditorium with bleechers and movie projections and the downstairs acting like a rave, which is essentially as I said the above room was. There was also ice sculptors and ladies eating fire. People were dressed as various ideas dealing with the bail out. It was fascinating to see who showed up, yet I was there too. I felt I was there more for a sociology project. I always see myself observing things, never partaking in them. Telling!

I was by far one of the youngest people there, but there were a few. So many people were just fucked up, like publicly fucked up. It was a liberating feeling. It was fairly interesting music and the setting was fascinating. The people who show'd up were numerous and older, but a lively sort of crowd.

I can see why after about one of these you would be over it.

Just A Windy Week

It flows by, time. This week is coming to a conclusion and I have not done very much. I've been highly inactive, though I have done plenty. Plenty of nothing.

Today consisted of laying in the park with the ShyGuy. Ah, how time causes these issues to clear themselves. We're growing closer and slowly understand each other a little better.

Tonight I'll be going to a Masonic Temple in Brooklyn. There will be bright lights and music playing. I will be rolling and enjoying the music. Tomorrow is Gray Gardens on HBO. Thrilled doesn't begin to explain how I am feeling about Saturday.

For now I leave you with the gayest video ever. Gayest EVER.

On a Fire Escape . . .

Time has been calming. It's passing as it's supposed to. I am taking the week to veg out. Doing the projects I've been ignoring for a while. Sitting in doors and just thinking.

Today I had a panic as I left my apartment building without my keys or wallet. It's one of my biggest fears and it happened this grey Tuesday morning!

No one else was home. How did I regain access to the apartment? I climbed up the fire escape, with the help of a ladder from the Super. Then I tried window by window, knowing my own fault to always make sure they are locked.

Except one! Oh my glorious roommate leaving a window unlocked. My subletter blocking the way with boxes. Oh and it was a window off the fire escape. Meaning I had to leap into the room, pushing boxes aside, from the top half of the window.

It was thrilling and dangerous! I could've broken my neck. I will always leave that window unlocked. So it saved what would otherwise be an awful day.

Rise Up With Fists

First, my mother was in the hospital when I arrived home. She is fine and healthy. Simply a staph infection on her elbow. It was just a bit frightening to deal with mentally. So when I saw Next To Normal I cried the entire night.

I'll be leaving back tomorrow. Where I am due to meet up with the ShyGuy. Just hang out and talk, I don't know what to expect. It won't necessarily be a comfy visit, but it's just has to happen.

I've been thinking of alternate life decisions I want to make. Everyone upstate discusses my motivation and ambition. When they tell me of it I feel so confused. I haven't been doing anything. I mean I have, but now I am in that lull. Hopefully for only one more month too. Or else I don't know what will happen. Something will happen.

I'll get back to you when I know what's going on.

Eh, well. . .

My roommate seems to be projecting her negative feelings this way. Not wise Miss, not wise. That's all I'm gonna say.

I'm doing laundry tonight. I have an early appointment and I intend to stay home and be complacent with it. Are you happy with that? Good. Good.

In other news I am seeing Next To Normal tomorrow. On Broadway! I did not see this move happening and I fear that if it does not get glowing reviews it will close rather quickly! I hope it has a healthy run. The lyrics are a little kooky, but I don't look at this show as the correct way to deal with mental illness. I just see it as a melodrama of ideas and themes.



The score is interesting to the ear. And has a very contemporary feel. I applaud Tom Kitt for creating it and the rock sound.

The other reason I'm seeing this a third time, is I saw Next To Normal for the first time over a year ago. It was before my diagnosis. The second was the impending days before my diagnosis. When it all happened, I could never relate to anything more closely than this show. Diane is going through these upsets that I related to. This feeling of loss and forgetting where your life is going. It really hits close to home on several levels. Not to mention Alice owns this role to no end! Tony award, please!

So tomorrow will be the third time I see this show. I have listened to the revised score and enjoy the changes, though I'm upset they cut out her Rock 'N' Roll electric shock therapy hallucination number Feeling Electric. I guess they thought it was to much? I'm just glad I have had a chance to see this show change.

Now I want to do something very foolish, but I feel it must be done. Every time I listen to the soundtrack, I remember how it's an Anti-Musical because it's so dark. Yet, I applaud them for doing just that. Whenever Alice Ripley opens her mouth I get chills. She has proved a great strength for me in this last year, through her voice. I want to tell her that.

I'm gonna wait at the stage door and do it. I must do it.

Today I spent with The Vespa-Rider in Fort Greene Park. It's a pretty place, we spoke seriously. He doesn't want to date me and I understand this. So I'll just be his friend. End of story. Done. Finished.

Those Idle Hand Blues

I'm feeling frustrated and anxious. The apartment is all mine. To most people this could be a dream, to me, this is a prison. To which I am making my escape.

I feel all the old triggers being set off. I'm resisting the urges. Which makes the alone thing more difficult. Simple as the touch of another's hand. Oh, these days!

I've cleared up ideas with others and as per expectation. I am reading into things, which is fine. I just needed to know. So I'm not totally destroyed, I just know what it really means.

There's a suffocating feeling that comes. A mixture of cabin fever, feelings of being trapped in a burning car and watching the walls slowly close in around you. There is a mixture of defeat, but the urge to keep trying until the last minute always remains.

If I slip and quell my idleness in the only way I want to. I will know that I escaped this suffocation, but for only a moment. For it's getting these quick and sharp breaths of fresh air, inhaling this sky, that I choke more.

I am prolonging an inevitable that I could carryout and succeed with no results. Yet, if I do. Then there are the steps you have to follow up with. Oh, can you handle that gentle Iguana?

Until then . . .

April Showers

It's spring break. I'm surrounded by relapses and Cancer scares. I have to witness these events and I feel no power to change them. I can't, I just have to sit and watch. What help can I possibly offer? My presence, but otherwise I have no other abilities to handle these things.

I feel sad by all that's not going well for friends. I don't know, it just feels like a lot. I feel like things are not heading in directions I would prefer. That leaves me fearful and sometimes these things happen. Tra-la.

Final Group

The group sessions are done for 7 weeks. I left pensively, but life is where it is at this moment. I will find order in my life eventually. That's what I said I'd like to work on and it's true. These are the small steps we take.

The Aria for the Night

I am home and going to sleep soon. Soon being a relative term. I rolled out of bed today with all the ill intentions of a villain committing a crime. Instead, I saw a recital and had dinner with new friends who have come into my life.

I reflected on issues in my head about the ShyGuy and what happened earlier this week. I put the problems of his, ahead of my own. I don't know what that means, except that I am growing up. Such childish reasons to be an adult, because a REAL adult won't get his act together. 31-years-old and relapsing. I can't even cry about my petty issues for a moment.

As I said, I'm growing up.

Growing, growing. We advance in maturity and I mistake life lessons for passing moments. Only to stumble upon them later, discarded like stickers than fell to the floor. Still sticky with growth, but slightly used.

I want to prove that I'm growing. That I'm progressing. It's terrifying. Let's see. . .

This week I went to an interview and I held myself at bay. I didn't freak out at the cattle call of it all. How people were ushered in and out. It was merely a barbacking gig. Minus the E and with all the respect too. If I procure this, I will count my blessings. Who knows, who truly knows.

As you can see, I am trying to prove my growth to you, for this is the only documentation I have of it. I am finished with school, mentally.

Spring break begins this Wednesday. My support group ends this Monday. I am visiting my parents this Saturday. There are so many days to do things, when will I rest? Yet, I am at rest now.

He Who Shows So Little

"He Who Shows So Little"

He who shows so little,
To those who wish to notice.
His eyes squint and his,
Mouth curves into a grin.
The lips that touch my own,
Feeling delight, but without
That singular spark.

I, who shares so much,
To those who don't care.
My eyes open wide and,
With extraneous excitement.
The mouth that shouts out,
Exclamations and heralds!
Spreading tales, without
Much substance.

To we, who reveal so little,
In the ways we see fit.
Conversing and staying silent,
Not feeling any wont to learn,
From each other. Only on those
Rare days will we truly connect.

Waking at 1 PM

This week has been a marathon. I decided to play Resident Evil 5 last night until 2 AM, despite the lack of sleep.

It's 3 PM and I'm still in my short shorts, listening to music and basically jerking off. I did my taxes and ordered my bus ticket home for Easter.

I may try to do the student rush for West Side Story tonight. I feel rested and lazy, but spring break is next week. So I am giving in early, which is not a surprise!

A Closed Letter

Dear ShyGuy,

I know you hit a low point in your life and I respect that. I am upset regardless. You lied to me twice and as a result have blown me off twice so you could do things you yourself know you should not be doing.

On all the days of the year when I needed someone to be with me. This was the day you decided to reveal what you've done. In a way it helps because I realize I am in a much saner place than I was last year. Yet, I still wept for you and myself.

I want to be there for you, but I feel hurt and let down by this all. I hope you are able to get your act turned around, but I don't know if I have the strength to deal with it. I am sorry.

Sincerely,
E.Iguana

On April Fool's Day

A year ago today, around 11 PM actually.

I lost my grip on most everything. I broke down for hours crying over the man who got away and the life I could no longer feel in control of.

It's a year later. I may be stood up again on this same day. Let's try and be stronger. Let's try.