Friday, February 29

The RENT has been paid

Last night I saw RENT one last time before it closes for good. I remember seeing RENT the first time years ago and feeling the cast was superb. Last night, unless my childhood youth deceived me, this cast was horrible. When I first saw it Mimi was superb, Mark was cool, Angel was amazing.

Last night drove the idea home that this show is tired. I never though I could see is possible that someone could "walk through" doing Take Me Out Tonight. Yet, the girl who played Mimi did it. Which is surprising because she is an understudy. This was her night to SHINE. Maybe it was because she hadn't figured out Mimi yet. Who knows. Good night, RENT.

In good news, things are a little more normal feeling again. Tomorrow I purchase an iPhone. This is a little ahead of the finishing my Life To-Do List, but it's okay. I decided to put 100 things on it because if I only have like 30, I could possibly finish it to early. I can't wait to get my iPhone. It'll be my first big step towards Independence.

The bad news is my new health insurance apparently is not in line with my doctor's office. I made a visit and got a bill telling me I owe an EXTRA 63 dollars. I have made a second visit too...so that's 60 more...oy...I need a new doctor, that much is clear. Oy. Oy. OY!

Wednesday, February 27

Chess on Broadway - 1988


Chess, if you don't know already and many (the four people who read this) of you already do, is one of my all time favorite musicals. I have finally acquired a bootleg of the production! It's amazing, well semi-amazing. Okay, I'll just admit it I secretly love it with all my heart. I've only watched Act I, but I can't wait for Act II. The three stars sing their hearts out and it's such a shame that the cut the CD down to the minimal songs. Yet, that makes sense.

Trevor Nunn does it again! And when I say that I mean he uses the same techniques he used the year before in Les Mis and would use many years later in Rock 'N' Roll. Meaning when all else fails lets use a turntable...Now, I love the turntable, don't get me wrong. It can make an otherwise dull show, fascinating. Once the stage starts spinning you just feel this overwhelming urge that something amazing will happen!

Now for Chess this actually was very true. The way the staged moved (turned), along with the two moving towers made it actually look like they were walking down hallways. It was very cinematic.

However, this show was not without problems. First to mention the utterly confusing storyline. Since every version of Chess is different I cannot tell you the story so easily. The Broadway version though not only had a love triangle (as it always does) there is the whole USSR vs. USA idea. Plus there's Florence lost father. Add in two "agents" who are working for the greater good. Last but not least bring in the sad devoted wife. And I tell you, you have one crazy storyline.

Also there is the music...the epic and amazing music. Then there is the question of...what does one do during these songs? Well in one version they had the chorus provide entertainment by dancing, while the lead sang their ballad. In concert versions it's easier, because we don't expect much. In this version though (save for One Night In Bangkok) Mr. Nunn didn't think about this fully through, nothing happens.

The best example being Nobody's Side. This is Florence's huge number where she finally leaves Freddie and decides to play the game her way! It's a wonderful song, the lyrics are a bit nutty. Yet you listen to it and feel completely empowered! So for years I've wondered what Florence would be doing during this number. Would she be smashing shit up? Would she be standing there doing nothing? So the song begins and well...I think my thoughts are best said in the email I sent to my friend, which was my immediate reaction to the number. Yes I write my friend about my feelings on certain parts of musicals.

Enjoy and I suggest listening to the actual song while reading (Click here!) You really get the feel:

But as we've discussed, the songs are so epic, what do you do? Like the song where people sell things it's just odd. However, my favorite moment is when Judy is singing Nobody's Side. At least in the Swedish version they have Florence in a club getting drunk and have a REALLY good time.

While in this Judy starts off singing after Freddie leaves. Then the turntable moves and Florence walks into her hotel room. Now you think it's gonna get great...and she proceeds to start packing her suitcase...

The rest of the song (like 2 minutes) is just her belting her heart out and she's folding her sweaters and folding skirts. She throws the shoes in very mad. Cause she's belting very powerfully...Yes...so that's just a funny moment.
Lastly, since I'm on theme of Nobody's Side. I may as well drive the point home with this little gem...

Tuesday, February 26

Life To-Do List

Today was an okay day. Nothing good, nothing bad. I suppose I'm allowed those days every now and then, right? I went to Therapy, which was more like rehash the week. It left me a little drained of feelings. I started rehashing and then told my therapist (poor girl is a grad student...she probably has her dissertation written about me already).

I told her I am making a "Life To-Do List" which is a list. Not a Bucket List, I refused to associate it with death. It's the same idea, but this is own personal list. It's not finished yet. It will be like the Constitution. Meaning it can be amended over time, but only is 2/3 of the house agrees. This means that Anita Morris, Judy Garland and I must out vote the tattoos on my calves.

Here is the list so far:
1. Always love those around you
2. Love yourself, no matter what happens
3. Buy an iPhone
4. Keep going the gym until you can't any longer
5. Finish undergraduate college in Theatre
6. Travel to Egypt and climb the Pyramids
7. Buy a new Computer
8. Get at least FOUR more tattoos
9. Get a theatrical Internship
10. Embrace what life has given you
11. Keep smiling and making jokes
12. Win a Tony Award
13. Travel to Germany and stay in a Hostel
14. Take a road trip across America
15. Do the AIDs Walk annually
16. Travel to Alaska
17. Write a play that you can truly be proud of
18. Have said play be put on by a theater company in an actual performance
19. Travel to Africa in a AIDs-Relief Related Event
20. Travel to San Francisco (possibly live there for some amount of time)
21. Learn to roll a joint
22. Eat a full Mexican Meal and enjoy it (perferably in Mexico)
23. Travel to India
24. Win the Pulitzer Prize
25. Meet Patti LuPone and tell her she's your idol
26. Go to the Ireland and look up at the stars
27. Volunteer in an AIDs related Foundation
In other news I got some more Broadway DVDs. This time I got the LA Cast of Falsettos, which is 10,000 times better than the Broadway recording. I have Chess on Broadway (immense pleasure in typing that one. See what happens if you deny me...I get it), Also Chess in Concert from Sweden with the original cast. City of Angels in London. Legends! starring Mary Martin and Carol Channing. Dance of the Vampires, the flop. As well as a mega flop called Marilyn: An American Fable. They all make me very happy...

Right now I'm half watching Falsettos. What a wonderful staging, truly amazing. What beautiful music.

Lastly, I have to write a short story for Creative Writing. I am trying to train myself to not rely on my own life to write about. I am trying to find common ideas and feelings I wish to write about. Then projecting them into a story I create. I am nervous, but I have a decent idea. We shall see.

Monday, February 25

The Oscars...

Last night I went to an Oscar's Viewing at my friend Jeff's. It was a private affair involving Gin & Tonics, Pot and lots of chips. The Oscars was a snooze. A major snooze, in my opinion. The only defining moment was when Marion Collard won, as I predicted way back when I first saw the movie in August. Way before everyone else was all abuzz. Yea, that's right I single handedly decided the fate of the Best Actress Category this year. I only try to use my powers for good.

So the song of my life right now is Nobody's Side. Yes, right. Well to tell you the truth, I am on Nobody's Side. Elaine Paige and I are both against everyone! As well as Judy Kuhn and Carolee Carmello! What a crew I run with, I'm actually aghast that there's not a Tony Winner amongst us! Well girl's worry not...I'll change that soon enough.

I came to the conclusion that I have dealt with so much bullshit and so many issues in my life, that I think God intended me to star in this Lifetime Movie he's making. Now I know, almost everyone thinks their lives are more important and interesting than the person next to them. So that's why I soon took that conclusion and decided to alter it slightly.

I decided that no, my life is not more important than anyone else's. And let's face it, there is no God cause so many people have so many problems, I find it hard to believe that God actually favors only those with religious zeal (who are the people with the biggest issues anyway).

I'm not trying to start shooting my mouth off, but I don't feel that religious people are more protected by God. I just feel they're more sheltered/ignorant. I digress...

As I was saying, my life is no more interesting than the people next to me. That's why I decided to start believing that when I don't see people. They cease to exist. It's not that people are boring but, their lives don't really matter unless I am somehow involved in them.

So I like to imagine that when I'm done hanging out with a person, they say goodbye and we hug. Then they just vaporize into thin air. Those thoughts aside, this doesn't count for my good friends. I need them to have lives too because what would I talk about? I am speaking more along the lines of...all those people I read on Livejournal and blogger.* I mean honestly.



* That last line was a joke to see if anyone even got that far to read it.

Saturday, February 23

300 Posts and this one is for Judy...

She gets me through most any time of my life. Without her I'd be lost I feel. So odd, right? However, much in the vein of mixing Patti LuPone with Final Fantasy X. I have never associated Judy Garland with The Lord of the Rings. Yet, someone did...




Click here for a really amazing Judy Garland clip. It's long, but it's WELL worth it!

Friday, February 22

Until tomorrow night

The meeting with the Tall Man is going to happen tomorrow. It's weird talking to him on the phone smiling and being happy. It's not that I'm not happy. It's so strange I feel as though I've gained something (well I did) and suddenly my entire life has changed. All the rules that once applied are suddenly meaningless and though it's all new and strange. It's also strange and exciting. I've come to this conclusion:

Life is equal in good and bad moments. Though the good moments come in spurts, while the bad moments landslide in. To deal with it, you are in control and must do what you can do fight those bad moments. That's why I am not letting this get me down.

That aside, I admit there are times I wish to dig a hole and just scream into it until I can't scream anymore. I want to scream until my body heaves out all the disease and things return to how things once were. Which this may seem like I'm contradicting what I just said, but to scream is to live.

Last night while I was walking home in the snow I looked up in the sky and I felt a tug. Once again a tug to drop down and just cry. I kept walking and let the feeling go through me. My body tightened and I began to let out small moaning noises. It was the best I could do for the moment. I felt as if I would've faded into the sky if I didn't hold on.

I've gotten far from my point. It's strange to be so calm in the given situation, yet I feel nothing but calm. Why is this? Is it because I've grown so much that I can deal with even this? That the thoughts I had over a year ago, have withheld for all this time. Hibernating and waiting for the moment they would be useful?

I tell the Tall Man I look forward to seeing him, and I truly do. I just hope that he will still accept me for what I am now. And we can continue going and I can feel as if I am still what I always was...

Besides I'd like to believe that I am quiet the catch that wouldn't be easily thrown back into the water...but I may be giving myself way to much credit.

Wednesday, February 20

I don't know if Sheba ever came back...

And so quickly the mirror crack'd. On both sides, so quickly. This whole weekend I felt it, last night I felt it. The way I held on and refused to let go, I knew it. I'm in a state beyond description, which is difficult. I am terrified to sleep, but the sleep is so strong.

It will change. It all will change. It's not a necessity, it's a have to sort of matter. It's weird that you feel it coming before it happens. You can't do anything more, but let it unfold now.

That's enough for tonight.

Tuesday, February 19

Something is Off...

I went to bed last night at 11:15 pm. I was mildly high and I took half a Melatonin (sleeping Vitamin thing). Yet it was one of the worst nights I've ever had. Then this morning I have awoken (oh goodness is that even a word? Well it is now, but I suppose I mean arisen) into a mindset that constantly makes me want to burst into tears.

I understand that maybe the sleeping until 2 pm didn't help me fall right off into Dreamland again. Though I did dream last night mind you. It was a horrid dream about camping and I forgot to pack my sleeping back. I was with all the people I went to China with. Only this time the last place I wanted to be was for a month in the middle of the woods with them. I kept waking up and feeling restless.

I have an idea of why I had these issues. Hopefully after tomorrow they will calm down. Things to do like getting test results back from the Doctor (because he didn't call me back on Friday...but said that if he didn't call me back it didn't mean something bad had happened. No news is good news). I have a performance thing tomorrow for my class, which I've rehearsed...I mean rehearsing for the first time today.

I also am having those regular what am I doing with myself worries. The fact that it's been a month basically since I told myself I was telling work I am leaving and I haven't. Why so afraid? Today I have a moment thinking, "Why would you leave it if you don't have a reason to leave it?" And it's making sense. I mean if I'm just taking summer classes why? If I have an internship somewhere that requires me full time then I take it. Perhaps I should wait until the end of the summer. Depending on what happens to me in terms of opportunities.

As per Tuesday tradition, all these things will be brought up in Therapy. Hurrah. Hopefully, some clarity will come from it!

Monday, February 18

President's Day in Brooklyn


Last night I saw Next To Normal last night. Still amazing and though I do openly admit there are some problems with it, it's still fresh and amazing. Much more than other stuff playing right now and the long awaited Shrek, that's coming to Broadway. I do believe that Sutton Foster, though an amazing performer, is on a one woman quest to bring about the destruction of Broadway...

Tourist on line at TKTS: Look I see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse approaching Time Square?!
Other Tourist: Really? What do they look like?
Tourist: Oh my Lord! It looks like Sutton Foster, Mel Brooks, Eric Idle and Jerry Mitchell!
Other Tourist: Well I hope they don't get her until I get my discount ticket for The Color Purple.


That's how I envision the end to be. Or how the tourists in Time Square will probably react to it. They worked long and hard to get here and a mere Apocalypse will not stop them!

I have spent the last 48 hours being the laziest person I know. There's something about not showering that's both liberating and horrifying. I'll chose the former right now.

I spent last night and most of today with The Tall Man. He's going through such a stressful time, it's so odd to see the this happening to someone and not to yourself. He'll survive he said and as long as he doesn't "cut" me out of his stress. Correction, as long as I am not stressful to his life, I'll try the best I can to support him.

We didn't do much, more or less hung out. Fell asleep around 2am and then slept until 2 pm. We woke once for cordial reasons that I'll keep humble for the time being. We watch Fast Food Nation, which I expected to be disgusting and not leave me with feeling of happiness in my soul. I guess I set myself up for it. I have to applaud the author of that for making it such an interesting story. Yet, it felt so trashy. Suppose it's because the story is about middle America and thus you don't have many glamorous actors playing roles. Unless you're Charlize Theron and like to get down and dirty. Maybe it was also the acting.

I feel as though I'm avoiding some lingering worries myself. Perhaps it has to do with quitting my job and being independent soon and surviving somehow on no money and on a dream that I'll get an internship. What's annoying about the Internship business is...The ones that want letters of recommendation...I did that game last year and got nothing. NOTHING. I'm not about to play this game again. It's tiring.

I think I may take up Temping again when I leave my job. Plus without an internship this summer I can focus on taking those summer classes and getting Geology and Biology out of the way. Not worry about that bullshit next semester. I want an internship, I really do. I also want to graduate. I'm gonna be an adult anyway and I played this game so long and so hard. It's time to end it.

The Tall Man's roommate (who I mentioned was moving out) got rid of a lot of his stuff. So that means I got two pairs of jeans, a couple nice shirts and other stuff. This is how I shop people, this is how I shop. Wait long enough and you'll get your dues.

Sunday, February 17

Kiki and Herb through the years


Last night I saw Paradise Park. Charles Mee's last play at Signature Theater. This was my least favorite but it had some stellar monologues. It was a little to steeped in symbolism. I really love Charles Mee. What I enjoy is the underlying message of all his bizarre plays is: Love. It's very sweet and romantic in a way. Then the rest of the plays are utterly insane.

I got Skidoo from my friend last night. It's not in stores and he had an old VHS (these are my friends). It's so trippy. Carol Channing's outfits are absolutely insane. I wonder if she provided them.

I also got Kiki & Herb's new DVD. Which was at the Knitting Factory, I was there. It's great to have a DVD that I was part of! What I love about the DVD though is it has older clips of Kiki and Herb through their decade of fame. Including a clip of 1993 where Kiki was merely long hair and a Heineken. The next clip is 1999 and it's absolutely amazing. Kiki is discussing world issues about Columbine, which she calls Concubine. It's horrible, but funny.

Saturday, February 16

Meet Me In St. Louis


So I finished Meet Me In St. Louis last night. What a movie! What's best about the 2 DVD set is it comes with an intro from Liza and she's hilarious.

"Papa told Mr. Mayer he wanted to make a movie about a family in St. Louis! And that was all! And then he met Mama and they just fell in love...he always shot her in a frame! Like a window or a mirror! Oh listen to me just going on about my mom and dad! Oh just watch the movie already!"

Liza says that after she finishes her rendition of Judy with a J that her good friends John Kander and Fred Ebb wrote for her. I kid. What struck me is how colorful this movie was! Like a total orgasm for the eyes. Vincent had a good idea with this one.

Judy is stunning, it was her first movie that portrayed her as more than the "Good Time Gal" reputation she'd had since Wizard of Oz. She was 22 when they filmed this movie, which I find even more grand because that would be what Judy looked like if we were best friends now!

Imagine Judy and I walking down the street. Her in her Blue Tassel dress and me in a Tight T-shirt. Judy pointing and saying, "Let's go sing the Trolley Song...but on the subway!" Of course I'd have to join her.

The one thing about the movie though is the fact that her youngest sister, Tootie, disturbed me deeply. The entire movie is sunshine and happiness and the most stressful moment is Judy and her neighbor's relationship. Honestly, that stressed me out a little bit too much.

Then you have Tootie who is pure bitch and a little bit lesbian. She tells people she hates them and spreads rumors that their neighbors are alcoholics. She pretends that Judy's Beau beat the shit out of her. Which causes Judy to go never door and pop a cap in his ass! (that scene was worth the entire movie).

What I found more creepy is near the end of the movie, after Ms. Garland performs the legendary Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. Tootie flips shit and runs out to the yard and somehow acquires a baseball bat/large piece of wood and proceeds to destroy the family of snowmen they had built three scenes ago. Screaming and ranting that she hates them. She brutally smashes them and in particular she aims for decapitating them. It's frightful. I just wonder if Tootie was a repressed Lesbian or had the makings of a Serial Killer (ala Monster).

If you are curious how I mean brutal go 3:18 of this video and judge for yourself:

Friday, February 15

Mandatory Post Valentines Day Post

Valentine's Day consisted of me waking up at 6 am and running 4.30 (my longest yet) miles in 30 mins. Then somewhere around 8:40 am I decided I will proceed to get stoned before my creative writing class. It's funny what days that involve love do to you. I suppose some back story is needed here.

I've been in college for 329 years and I'm still going strong! No, it's my 4th year, but not finished (as usual) and I'm taking creative writing. There's a girl in my class, she's an English major and has one of the sourest dispositions I have ever seen. There's never really a positive remark she can make. It's always something dour and annoying that comes from her mouth. Understand why I got stoned? Not yet? I'll continue...

So a couple of classes ago someone brought up how in many of the stories we've been reading the author's have used Pot in negative ways. Like a lazy character on disability would rather get stoned than confront the issues with his wife ("Shiloh"). Or this character who is nervous about meeting a blind man, offers him a joint to smoke ("Cathedral"). Along with some other stories. I simply offered my advice and said, "I feel using pot is more of a device to alleviate the characters of their nerves." Meaning that this man is nervous, when you're stoned usually you're less nervous and more open. Or with the guy on disability, sure he's a stoner, but that's the character.

So the Sour Lemon raises her hand and says, "Well it's obvious, in my life most people I've come in contact with who smoke a lot of pot are unmotivated and do nothing with their lives." What shocked me more is the teacher got very flustered at every ones discussion about what they believed pot to mean in the stories and quickly changed the topic.

Now, perhaps that's true. As I look in a mirror and ask myself, "Are you motivated?"

Her comment irked me, I admit. So I decided to go to class stoned. Honestly, I am just looking for any excuse nowadays. No, seriously it was a silent protest. I didn't outwardly raise my hand and tell the class, "I am high as a kite and just TRY and reel me in!" I contributed to class, I raised my hand and I remembered no more or less than what normally is said in class. Hell, the fact I was in school was proof enough that not all people who are stoners are unmotivated.

Well that story is done, now onto Valentines Day. The Tall Man arrived around 9 to pick me up. Before that I sewed, I watched Meet Me In St. Louis and I don't know how I haven't seen this movie sooner! Oh Judy, when I think you'd topped yourself you just get more and more entrancing to me.

It was a quiet night really. We went out for Middle Eastern Cuisine. I listened to his life, his roommate is moving to New Zealand for HIS boyfriend. Which is ultimately romantic, but puts the Tall Man in an odd position finding a new roommate. I gave him his book, which he loved. And that made me smile.

(This is where I brag)We had mirror sex* and then went to sleep. Then had morning sex and went to work.(okay done bragging)


Now I'm at work and thus concludes my mandatory Valentine's Day post...It was nice that Judy got to spend Valentine's Day with me. No, honestly she is amazing in Meet Me In St. Louis. I never need Judy was sassy from day one. Okay not day one, but day 14,556 when she met Vincent and was asking her dresser, "Is he queer?" Honestly Judy, the makeup and effeminate mannerisms weren't enough? I can't complain for Liza wouldn't be here without him as well. God I'm out gaying myself and hardly trying.

* Mirror sex is just like it sounds. I always feel narcissistic when it happens, yet I went with it. It's all smoke and mirrors at the end of the day.

Thursday, February 14

Strange Emotions


I don't know why I'm so worried. I always get worried when I go to the doctor and get various tests done. Tomorrow I will find out and I'll know for sure whether I have anything to really be worried about.

It's just that things have been so calm (relatively) for a while now that I feel I'm overdue for some big upset. Not that I necessarily deserve something that BIG nor do I expect it. Don't think that I'm insinuating that. We've all made weak choices at times in our lives and thusly it's for moments of truth like this that we start to get nervous. That is all.

Here I am on Valentine's Day, with an actual Valentine and I'm close to tears because the idea that tomorrow could hypothetically be the last time I ever see this Valentine again. It's difficult to be upset and cryptic at the same time. It's also difficult being born of a stock that worries to much.

In other news: Next to Normal has been reviewed to mixed reviews. They don't say it's horrible, but as I excepted the subject matter causes it to really be enjoyable. I look at Spring Awakening and wonder how we turned a blind eye last year? The songs are a little in your face some reviews say. Once again I look at Spring Awakening. I enjoy that show, I really do...but yes, no defending that. Plus what is with that awful song in the end with the purple mountains. Maybe I missed something. Oh is it because this subject matter is present today, while that show took place in 1890? Paging Mr. Ledger, paging.

I just hope they record the show, that's all I want is a legitimate recording of it. That's all. In other news East of Eden is going to be an epic one I can tell. Woo boy will it be. I am back into the world of regular reading. Out of the land of wizards. What's funny is when I read, I read for myself. I personally don't care if anyone else reads East of Eden or that I was the only one who read Harry Potter 7 months after it's popularity died out.

Yet, I find people are always telling me, "You MUST read this!" To which I always respond, "I have a reading agenda and I'm sorry, but I'll put it on queue. I can't promise I'll get to it anytime soon." Rarely does a book get pushed ahead. Okay, a little more than rarely. Yet all the time of Harry Potter I kept pretending that Perfume would be read before East of Eden (EoE), yet I purchased EoE without even batting a literary eyelash.

Tuesday, February 12

Trying on my cupid wings


Interesting news, well at least to me. The Tall Man and I have a Valentine's date. Or so he asked me. I mean I'm excited, but I don't count V-day for much. That aside since I have one and most people won't, I guess I'm a little excited. The text was cute:

Tall Man: Hey there sexy. Wednesday no good - VB and NJ Thursday AM. Wanna be my valentine Thurs night instead? Dinner?

Of course I smiled to myself and thought, "Men do make passes on girls who wear glasses." I'm pretty happy I admit that the idea of Me+Valentines Day entered his head. A year ago I can tell you that The Gentlemen Caller would have ASKED me out on Valentine's Day. Then proceeded to have sex with me and perhaps give me a gift in between. Then deny that he ever had any sort of feelings for me. Wait I feel as if this story really did happen, but I checked back and I was wrong. Forgive me, I don't mean to cause slander.

Going back to my old OLD blog, I am all retrospective. It's so sappy of me. Moving on with me thoughts...

So I am on the final pages of Harry Potter (which people will wonder why I am not finishing it as we speak...maybe I should. It will get done when it gets done...After that I plan on East of Eden. Oh Steinbeck, we meet at last. Let the games begin!

For The Tall Man I bought him a V-day gift. Not necessarily a gift for that day, I usually buy things all the time for people I like. It's the Cancer in me. Not Cancer as in Tumors, I mean zodiac. He likes Jane Austen...he's a sensative soul and no, he's not a bottom.

I purchased a book called Lost In Austen: Create Your Own Jane Austen Adventure Choose your own adventure, but the character is Elizabeth Bennett. I thought it was kind of genius! It also has a cute little scoring system. Where it's like, "You've impressed Mr. Darcy you gain 10 communication points."

Somewhere Ms. Austen is doing cartwheels...Jerome Robbins' Choerographed cartwheels.

I hope he enjoys it. If not I'll just gouge my eyes out. Well not really. I can tell he'll like it. I think tonight is the night I watch Gone With the Wind...after Harry Potter.

Monday, February 11

Pushing off stress...

I feel like I have 10,000,000 things I should stress about. Yet, I can't remember most of them. Which isn't necessarily bad. I just need to stay motivated. Nothing really new in the last few days. I spent the night with The Tall Man again. It's developing, believe it or not. It's developing, true it is. We had a serious conversation last night, something that I'd like to believe, tells someone they are intimate with. More than just previous relationships I've had. Step by step, little by little.

See I have nothing to talk about tonight...School is school, I am me. We are all the same as we were yesterday. I was listening to Evita today with Patti Lu and I was once again captivated with her brilliance. I wonder what would happen if she ran for president? President of Broadway of course.

Okay, stupidity over.

Saturday, February 9

A Saturday Night at Home

I suppose that's okay. I'm rewatching Side Show and seeing if it lasts the test of time. I bought Ms. Buckley's new album today. I like her older feel and you can hear her age in her voice. That's obvious though.

Today seemed to be, "Lay at home and do nothing day" for everyone I know. I was supposed to meet with friends and they canceled. I was supposed to do something, yet nothing happened. I am looking at a new laptop and phone, which excites me. Yet I mourn for my bank account. I need to get both of these items, I'm not such a good consumer though. I just want all Mac products...iPhone and MacBook. Once I get my tax refund (if I'm not arrested by the IRS first...long story, let's say my name isn't actually Iguana for certain reasons).

So yes, back to being alone. Last night I went to a little get together/game night at a friend of a friends. It was a gay gathering and I wore a tight shirt for such purposes. I was quickly announced as 22 immediately and knew my jig was up. The older men hit on me, how grand...I don't remember how many there were. It was mainly couples, couples make me mad because I am not one. Sure there is the Tall Man...but it's not that or I'd be there right now.

Instead my insanity catches up with me and I send texts asking when I can see him again. Bleh.

Moving along. Carol Channing does it again and stuns me with her greatness. Dr. Timothy Leary raved about this movie. I need to find it:

Thursday, February 7

And I'm Still Wearing My Socks...


These are the days that make life worth living:

Gather around one and all to hear my tale and believe me or not if you wish...

So for almost a year someone from Livejournal who I've been speaking with regularly told me he practiced hypnotism and he had been trying to come to Park Slope to help try it on me for my stress and such. Now this man is an older man with a wife and children. I'd never met him before, but since I do have an issue with sleeping and life. I am getting therapy, why not try to get hypnotized?

So finally we made plans to meet today and he showed up. I am open to the idea of being hypnotized. So I embraced it...until it happened. It started off normally and he did what you'd think, "You're getting sleepy..." kind of bullshit. I do admit the first time I did feel like I had fallen in a trance.

He then told me that I would remove my socks. Wearing my socks would now be my biggest worry, no more stress. He then told me that he'd wake me and I would want to show him my tattoos and that I loved being hypnotized and I would ask him to hypnotize me again. Harmless fun, why not?

I woke and felt silly. I did as I was told, removing my socks, etc. I asked him to do it again.

Sleep, sleep, sleep...

I laid my head down and went into my trance again. I was not in any sort of trance.

Now ladies and gentlemen. This is where it gets strange. So it was more of the same, "You hate wearing socks, you love being hypnotized. When you wake this time you'll feel warm and you'll take off your shirt to change for your play. Then you'll ask me to hypnotize me again."

What?!

I'm used to being to being shirtless, so I thought I'd indulge him. So I wake up and tell him I'm hot and I need to remove my shirt. Then I ask him to hypnotize me again. Why not? Third time is a charm, right? RIGHT?!?

So he continues with the same stuff but adds, "This time you'll start to get ready to go out and you'll ask me to hypnotize me again."

Can I take a moment to mention that during all of this I heard a rubbing noise. As if he was rubbing something on the outside of his pants. Yes, I lie not.

So I start to put on a new shirt and...

Sleep, sleep, sleep...are you serious?! Well here we go again...

"You've decided that this shirt isn't right, you'll decide to change your shirt and your pants and you'll thank me for hypnotizing you and ask me to do it again. You love being hypnotized, you will want to be hypnotized again." Oh dear sir, I called that one out from a mile away. I awake and tell him I need to change. I put on a new shirt and start to take off my pants. While I am trying to pull on my new pants...

Sleep, sleep, sleep...Oh fuck you, motherfucker!

This is the part that gets me. This entire time I guess I'd been either very convincing or he wanted to see how far he could push me until I broke character. Being the consummate actor I am, this last round I did break character. I admit.

"I want you to take off your shirt this time and your pants and lay on the bed. You feel amazing right now, no shame in it..."

It was at this moment I dropped my pretending and my face tightened out of both shock and the urge to open my eyes and say, "Surprise, I was kidding! You asshole! And you're a pervert, get the fuck out of my room before I beat you within an inch of your life!" I think he noticed this look in my face because he suddenly changed his request to. "You'll dress and thank me for coming and we'll go out separate ways."

Thus, I put my switch blade back in it's holster...

He left and I put my socks back on...

Didn't I See This Movie?


The lyrics may sound doofy, but this song is brilliantly performed by Ms. Ripley:

Didn't I see this movie with McMurphy and the nurse?
That hospital was heavy, but this cuckoo's nest is worse.
Isn't the one where in the end the good guys try?
Didn't I see this movie and didn't I cry? Didn't I cry?

What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?
I'm no sociopath, I'm not Sylvia Plath!
I ain't no Francis Farmer kind of mind for you!
So stay out of my brain, I'm no princess of pain!

Didn't I see this movie, where the doctor looks like you?
Where the patients got impatient and said,
"Sorry doc I'm through."
I know where this going and I know what you're about!
Cause I have seen this movie and I walked out!
I walked out! I'm walking...

Wednesday, February 6

Boys on the Side? But we need boys...

Last night while hanging out with The Tall Man. We decided to order food and watch a movie. Now I brought over an eclectic mix of movies from Billy Elliot to Death Becomes Her to Donnie Darko. I let the Tall Man pick and I wanted to watch Billy Elliot, but he decided on Boys On The Side. He asked me if it was funny and I replied, "Yes...but I may cry in the end."

Now three years ago when I bought Boys On The Side because Mary Louise Parker stars in it. All I remembered was it's a tale of three women (Whoppi, Drew and Mary Louise) who go on a trip together, Mary has AIDS, Whoppi's a Lesbian and Drew kills her drug dealing boyfriend. Yet, they overcome and are triumphant, even Mary who dies. I remembered laughing and enjoying the movie...

Three years ago.

Watching it last night, all I can say is. What the hell what I thinking! This movie was not only one of the most depressing movies I'd ever seen. It was also a propaganda movie in a way. How do I articulate this? It was made in 1995 and seems to address every issue of the time. Lesbianism, AIDs, Drugs, etc. The Tall Man paused the movie at one point and asked, "How is it possible that two women who have lived in NYC in the mid-90s. One who is a Lesbian and one who has AIDS both spend an entire movie amazed at each other?"

Basically Whoppi can't get over that Mary has AIDS and Mary has (apparently) never met a Lesbian before. Same for Drew. They spend a long time together and cannot seem to get over these facts. Meanwhile, Mary's health gets worse. Drew gets pregnant and sent to jail. Whoppi doesn't get anything really. This movie just kept getting worse and worse.

The Tall Man put it best when he said, "I bet when you first saw this movie. You were all 'Mary Louise Parker!' and watched the movie that way. Tonight you actually WATCHED the movie and saw what it was really about." He hit the nail on the head. I kept telling them (Tall Man and his roommate, who spent half the movie making me laugh, so I didn't cry) that we could turn it off. Yet, they insisted we watch all the horror happen. Despite that, the Tall Man still cares about me it seems as he didn't kick me out after the suffering was over.

I ask you now to experience my night and watch this clip as AIDS stricken Mary Louise sings to Whoppi right before she dies in the next scene. Try not to have to much fun:

Tuesday, February 5

Next To Normal


I don't normally do this, but if you'd like to hear Next To Normal. The musical I am currently obsessed with just use the link below and download it. I hope someone does listen to it. If you do, please tell me what you think


Just replace the xx with tt and enjoy:

hxxp://www.sendspace.com/file/0q1320

1:25 am — Things happen strangely here.

It's 1:25 am and I'm not asleep. You know what that means...

So I'll just type until I feel tired and get somethings out of my mind. Why am I letting little things bother me? Like the light that filters through my windows while I try to sleep. It's such a light night out. I need to be up at 6 am...I will hate myself, but I will get up.

I just bought 8 tickets to see RENT. Hello major credit card purchase. It's for the greater good. Even though I look at my bank account, which seems to had dwindled since before China and I feel panic. Immediate panic. Immense panic.

With the idea of leaving my paying job into nothing. With such low funds, I swallow hard and say worry not, it'll replenish. Then I have those thoughts I could easily have believed when I was up in the bank account. Those thoughts are, "Maybe I should stay with the job through the summer..."

Then what about a possible internship? What about feeling better? What about telling my boss I am leaving? It's not bad to go back on your word. Was the psychic right? Oh my God. Why? I need to be involved with theater, but I also need money to live here. Especially being that I will so be independent of my parents. Completely. With bills to pay and loans. And all that grownup stuff. Oh my GOD, why is this coming into my head now??

The Tall Man called me tonight to hang out tomorrow and go out on a date. Does that make me feel better? Yes, it does. What doesn't make me feel better is the lack of money in my account. Also school. Tomorrow I will purely focus on homework. Get a majority of it done tomorrow. Put myself ahead of the game and focus.

The gym at 6 am...the gym...Oh God groceries must be purchased tomorrow!

Musicals need to be thinned out, you knew this would happen eventually. The belt buckle would have to tighten. It just WOULD. Yet, you aren't adjusting as well as you hoped. You've been home, what? 13 days. why haven't you assimilated to the new life yet? The real life. You knew it was coming all through China.

Why isn't life unfolding the way I wished it ever would? Why did they assign me to Costume Crew for Two Gentlemen Of Verona? When I clearly asked to be on deck crew of a show. So I wouldn't have to do hours in the shop. So when I thought all was going well in that vein at least, I was shown differently.

How has Next To Normal become my absolute favorite musical? So much that I have been listening to it repeatedly for two days straight. As well as I just bought tickets to it again. Despite the fact that I really should have told myself, "You're getting poorer, you need to calm your soul son...calm your soul."

Why did you do this? You did it because you love theater and this is the first show in a while to renew that love of theater. It stirred your soul. Even though you feel that listening to the recording over and over again has promoted this upset feeling you have. It's a dark show. This is The Hours, ALL over again. Why are you so drawn to unhappy housewives? They speak to you in a language no one else was ever able to understand.

It's bordering two, I need at least four hours to function. Correction. I can function on four hours right? In conclusion, I need to be happy again. You need to fix this rut. Try, you know you can. You need things to begin falling into place. You need to not feel this in betweenness that you are indeed feeling.

I can always take up temping again. That's always an option. Keep it there. Hold it and try not to let it slip in the hazy morning when you wake and forget these fears because sleep finally came.

Sunday, February 3

Let There Be Light

Next To Normal. A new musical with a dark story, but I turned into a musical theatre geek and fell for it. It's about a Mother who believes her dead son is still alive. It is tearing their family apart. So after giving up medication they decide to give her ECT. You're thinking, "What the fuck?"

It's an interesting idea, and a dark comedy. I was a little "What the fuck?" myself when I saw the Electric Shock Therapy scene. Then I realized I was setup to expect this and if this is shit, then what are the truly bad musicals considered *cough*Shrek - The Musical*cough*? Not to mention that Alice Ripley was great. Finally, glad I got to see her in person.

Then today I saw Betty Buckley in concert in Queens today. The performance? Second verse, same as the first...

The rest of my weekend was calm. It involved The Tall Man, which I appreciate. He agreed to going to see RENT with a group of my friends. Which means he wants to participate in my life and meet my friends. That's more than being a sexual object right? I feel foolish asking, but this place is for fears and anxiety. If he follows through, I will count it as something nice.

I then had this other moment. I told a friend that I am focusing not just on the Tall Man because nothing has been announced. So last weekend, untrying, I attracted the attention of a guy. Who I kissed a little on the dance floor. Then when he asked me, "Want to get out of here?" I replied, "Yes, I think I am going to head home. Goodnight."

He wanted to meet again and because I blew him off a night before. Also he was near my apartment. Oh, how the trap had been set and I walked right into it. So when the time came to head home, who but he invited himself over. True, I could have said no the game ends here. I did not because saying No is how adventures never happen.

See it is this attitude that gets me. It's because I'm paranoid that it's happening to me. Sing Alive Ripley, sing! I wish rules would be clearer with that issue. Yet, some friends are jealous in what I've developed with this man. It seems ideal to them. I just don't want a repeat of previous events.

Back to the issue at hand though: So he slept next to me. How do people with bad breath not get told. I mean it's not necessarily my job as kisser to stop and inform him. I see the difficulty. I assume my breath doesn't smell for the fact I have had many a person want to continue kissing me. Point and case. So when we woke up and he wanted to kiss, I said I had to go to the bathroom. When I returned I said, "Time to get up...I've got plans today and you're not in them." He suggested we lay around more and I said, "No...I can't, I need to go to the gym." He did respect my wishes not to have sex.

Subtleness has never been my forte...I admit that wholely.

That's enough for the night to come to an end. Consider yourself informed.