Lilac Wine

This job hunt via temp agencies has been a little frustrating. I've gotten two phone calls that proposed nice opportunities, but then were snatched away from me before I could fully get the job. It's a strange setup, the whole thing.

It's nothing I am doing wrong, but yet, I feel I am going about this all wrong. I missed another job call as I went into my support group. I thought it would be rude to jump up and leave the room. In short, I missed another job.

My mother asks me about my jobs and I get tense and angry. She gives me advice and I appreciate it, but want to scream. In a way of calming myself I tell her, "Yes. YES! I will do just that. . .Look I have to go."

My dad calls asking me how the job search is going. No doubt he has been sent by the queen to discover more information. I am complacent and he asks when I'll turn to taking any job. I respond with: In the fall, when the leaves began to turn colors and I don't sweat when I walk down the street.

I go to therapy and he offers suggestions of networking and I finally said, "I am feeling really anxious about all these suggestions. . ."

It's true, I would much rather listen to solutions. I want people to tell me what I should be seeking. Not what I can possibly do. I feel like I'm being given tomes that are easy to read, if you know the native tongue. While here I am, having just bitten off my own. I need to learn by talking to people. Then gathering all their suggestions into a big pot, mix for 4 days and I'll pull up a solution!

An answer to all this fogginess. A fan-like apparatus that will blow off uncertainties, leaving only direct responses that are clear of indecipherable bullshit. I need to invent this machine and change this quest I am about to partake on. . .