Keep Rolling On

The robbery was a lot to deal with. Filing a police report complete with many different phone calls and being put on hold. It seems that filing a police report is the key to everything. They are sending me a replacement iPod. In my mind iPod's take $4 to actually put together. $179.00 to sell. So they'd sooner mail me another one, despite the fact it was stolen in the mail. So I am sending it to a friends place, that comes complete with a doorman who holds all packages. Success!

The boy who I thought would be my future roommate is having some financial problems. He has given fears of doubt and I understand that. Life is full of understanding moments. It's full of tests of meditation. So I must continue my search for a new roommate. One of life's greatest trials. Onward ho!

I have placed an ad in the paper and responses are coming in. It's overwhelming.

The New Year

The New Year has passed and I am trying to help people whom I barely know out. It's a chance I am trying to give. The new year weekend has passed slowly and I await tomorrow when I call my temp agency. For some mundane assignment that will take up 10 to 12 hours of my day.

With the passing of that last job opportunity and the new decade, I have felt grateful to just do what I am doing. The dullest work an American can imagine. That way I'm some unsung Americana Hero. I'm doing what it takes to get by. Years can pass so quickly when you're doing nothing. Then next thing you know you've been doing nothing for years but living contently.

In other news Bumble is going to get his balls cut off soon. He's being a little to feisty for his own good. I look at him and often wonder how I ever decided I wanted to control something else other than my life. I can't throw this thing out when I get over it. Yet, I know have a companion who keeps me home.

The New Year's Eve was pleasant and spent with the whom I am currently giving my heart to. We went to lunch at a McDonald's (but not after searching for a decent place to be open). Then went to wander around the entire Brooklyn Museum.

There was a brief resting period where we went to dinner that had endless champagne. 2010 started there. Then we went to a party and I watched people flit about. Followed to another party where I flitted about. Then lastly to a warehouse affair, which was intense and crazy. The fact that it was only 20 blocks away from my apartment was even more astounding.

Lilac Wine

This job hunt via temp agencies has been a little frustrating. I've gotten two phone calls that proposed nice opportunities, but then were snatched away from me before I could fully get the job. It's a strange setup, the whole thing.

It's nothing I am doing wrong, but yet, I feel I am going about this all wrong. I missed another job call as I went into my support group. I thought it would be rude to jump up and leave the room. In short, I missed another job.

My mother asks me about my jobs and I get tense and angry. She gives me advice and I appreciate it, but want to scream. In a way of calming myself I tell her, "Yes. YES! I will do just that. . .Look I have to go."

My dad calls asking me how the job search is going. No doubt he has been sent by the queen to discover more information. I am complacent and he asks when I'll turn to taking any job. I respond with: In the fall, when the leaves began to turn colors and I don't sweat when I walk down the street.

I go to therapy and he offers suggestions of networking and I finally said, "I am feeling really anxious about all these suggestions. . ."

It's true, I would much rather listen to solutions. I want people to tell me what I should be seeking. Not what I can possibly do. I feel like I'm being given tomes that are easy to read, if you know the native tongue. While here I am, having just bitten off my own. I need to learn by talking to people. Then gathering all their suggestions into a big pot, mix for 4 days and I'll pull up a solution!

An answer to all this fogginess. A fan-like apparatus that will blow off uncertainties, leaving only direct responses that are clear of indecipherable bullshit. I need to invent this machine and change this quest I am about to partake on. . .

Graduation Party

I'm upstate this weekend. I wish I felt more inclined to write anything these days. There just has been nothing much to write.

Unfortunately, I do not.

A Bought of Sadness

Oh what a night. I ran the gamut, it was my first quiet night at home for a while. It's a Friday night and Friday nights at home always ring my emotional ties. I felt like a Barbara Cook Medley. First, I was crying on the fire escape (which I'll get to in a moment) and then I lost my glasses [Where's my other shoe?] and I topped it off by eating ice cream [that one is obvious]

I feel better because I cried out my anger. My roommate is nowhere to be found, which is no fault of her own. It seemed that everyone was busy, except for Bradley, he's always there. I'm proud of myself though, for getting through this and not getting to upset. There was a moment that I did get upset. It's a good step in all directions.

There was a moment tonight. Where I sat out on the fire escape and saw my super and his friends drinking Whiskey and laughing. While above them I wept, and they had no idea. That is the strangeness of life. Someone is crying, while others are laughing, in the same building and the same night.

I will remember one moment that I can take with me forever. Before the tears, when it was closer to sunset, I sat there looking at those men below me. Like some benevolent God and I saw the purple of the sky meet against the green of the leaves. I heard the children running and screaming playfully down the street. It was so peaceful and real. So colorful and simple. . .

The above was written two nights ago. . .

This Is Life . . .

I've been lazy. I've been lethargic. I have been active, that much is true.

I have been looking into several job placement kind of agencies. Why not? Rather then madly looking around, I'll look into stuff that will bring the work to me.

I was walking home today when the strange realization came to me, "This is it. . ." There's no homework or projects. Just looking for a job, getting my hair cut, going to the gym, etc. Simple things, easy tasks that need to be completed.

I went to a Rooftop Potluck dinner last night. Saw a film, been going to the doctor and therapy. This is life. . .All there is to it. To realize that now. heh! I still try to maintain my schedule.

I have been lazy, but in my the way I know, which is not really lazy at all. This is life . . .

March of the Falsettos

I'm going to just voice some thoughts. It's more just to get them out of my head because they are not worth dwelling on. It's not necessarily worth doing, but since I began to read The Velvet Rage. Which I love and hate my Australian friend for sending me.

It's a self-help book isn't it? Oh it's going to make me question myself! Damn you! To hell! Yet, it won't be a bad thing, it'll be nice to know. It's already helped my mindset in realizing that I suffer from this alleged Velvet Rage. All homosexual men do, but I seeing that.

As for my current and temporary frustration. It's one thing to have 4 cases of the same incident happen. I think one would variably notice the reoccurring themes, as I do too. Tra-la! It's okay, people seem to spend a couple of nights with me and they realize they never want to end up alone.

So they date someone else.

It's okay, I have terrific friends. So that allows me to keep my figure and I have more emotional love than I can handle. It's this God Damned Velvet Rage. Pointing out these issues, I need to finish this book so I can know there are solutions. I can't deal if there is no solutions!

May The Vespa-Rider live long and happily with his boyfriend. I wish them well and I made a delicious dinner tonight. My nervous energy went into a meal and this delightful little dinner was created from it.

I also slammed my right fist repeatedly against the wall and cupboards several times. Not to any sort of harm that is lasting and I know and respect that it's not "healthy." I am identifying with this Velvet Rage. That's why I need to read to the end of this book.

A Weekend in My Mind

What do you want? That's the question on my mind for this last week. It's caused a lack of sleep. My roommate had a moment where she told me "what it's all about." I do agree with most of what she said. Though no one necessarily likes to hear that they are manipulating situations, but I was.

I suppose that if I invite someone over for dinner at 9 PM at night. That is basically a spider inviting a fly into his parlor. I cannot be surprised that they think I want to date them. I feel like a grand seducer and an emotional leech. I don't necessarily mean to lead anyone on, which I have been doing. She concludes [as all good doctors do] that I need to figure out what I want.

I've been trying to figure it out. I think I want to date, but I did make that vow to God and a Starbucks Barrista that I would not have sex with anyone in this group until it was through. Yet, I have been eyeing some and doing the acts described above. What's awful about it is I do it so ambiguously and without conviction. I do want to become friends with people, but to do it with gay men seems to always have the issue of sexual attraction.

Probably because we become friends with people we are initally attracted to. I am trying to improve my ambigious sexuality. It's got to be addressed sometime, but the thing is if you're attracted to that person [and in return he is attracted to you] than you obviously will not address the issue until after infidelities are committed.

So I am thinking on this issue. If I believe in having a boyfriend then I will get one? I don't know if I'll necessarily buy that. I suppose there's no harm in trying. So I guess we'll get that out of the way.

In my life I haven't always been clear on what I wanted. In fact I don't think there has been clarity for several years now. I wish I was cemented in ideas and less confusion. I am flighty and absentmindedly open. I've grown tired of thinking about this issue.

Making Up My Mind

I'm taking the advice and perspective of others in stride. I ultimately will make my own decisions and I agree you're right. The test of my Willpower is my greatest test.

I am taking these new few days to figure out what I want. I know I am indecisive, but I am paying attention since you pointed it out. I have gone four years without this kind of guidance.

I'm always questioning. Always thinking these issues through. So I take the opinions of others and will mold them so they fit. I am a sneaky person, and I'm trying to be honest and upfront. I am manipulative. A spider with a web.

Oh well, I think I have this situation underhand. If I don't react than what is there to worry about? I am trying! Know that much!

A Long Weekend

I have no class on Thursday through Monday. I will be doing nothing, except working on this movie. Celebrating Valentine's day alone [or not, yet to be determined]. I'll be riding on a Vespa tonight. Across the Brooklyn Bridge, hopefully. This is a non-date. I am caging that animal inside.

While I Breath for a Moment

I'm taking the night to relax for a moment. I've been doing various things for the little independent movie and I haven't had a moment to just breath. I'm breathing right now. Winter Break has almost come to an end and what did I do?

I went home for oh so long and discovered more than I wanted. Which is usual of every visit it seems. I worked in a warehouse for a few weeks, helping organize Forbidden Broadway costumes. I am working on a film as a Wardrobe Supervisor.

I met Harring and lost him to the sun in Mexico. He returns Sunday and I just know it won't be easy. I wish he hadn't escaped so quickly and I had this time of leisure to have become more acquainted with him. I admit that my body has missed the physical attraction. I have felt withdrawal symptoms in my body. The struggle to not feel lonely.

I like his company, but I believe that I only got the brief illusion of what Harring is. Debonair and charming. I want to see what this extreme personality brings out before I begin to let myself fall for it's charm and glamor.

I want to get to know him more, which is the grown thing to do. I believe in lasting relationships. People change their tune so quickly at our age. Harring wants kids and five child family. Ha! Everyone knows my womb cannot bear offspring. Plus, five?! I can do one or two with the time span of 15 years in between.

I am so dedicated to myself, but I will try my damnedest to work him into the schedule. With class, the filming beginning, oh and, not to forget the Support Group.

Oh, but I joined the Support Group too! You've done so much and come so far! The group will lead to things. As will graduating from College. For better or for worse. You got into this life for a reason. There must be another chapter to all this. I feel my body saying to keep calm, this is that step I'm missing.

That essential piece of advice that I can't figure out. Terror. I'm nervous and scared. I can't let myself just give into it so easily. To share that part of yourself with someone. I should not necessarily run to him because he returns on Sunday. He left me for three weeks to go to Mexico, you met only a week ago. It's not the best idea, I can't spend the night and I need to stay focused in school.

I'm to cautious to live frivolously. To let my head fall into all this again. Yet, the plane will land and he will come home. He will call on me and I will feel the pull to run to him. Part of me says to withhold. You can see him on a day that suits you better. Am I allowed to be this way? I feel such a pull to be cautious, I'm so close to the border of change.

I am simply just writing out my nerves. I just wish it would click. What lesson did I miss?

The Mississippi Conversation

Wardrobe Supervisor is the position I will soon be able to add to my resume. It's not a paying job, but it's experience. It's the Depression, welcome and join me, will you? It's a movie about Lesbians and Vampires. I love dealing with the actors of this world. The designer is a nice connection to make. He's a Hot Asian. I like to call them Hot Dumplings. A nice guy and at such a young age, has so many credits to his name. I won't lie, my eyes turned a shade of green.

I'm giving out to the universe with this work. I love the experience and appreciate it. It feels terrific to put my all into something. I haven't felt driven, it's nice to have a constructive goal. Soon school will start and I will have more than one thing to focus on. Oh my goodness, I'm really finding work outside of school.

At this age I feel like I'm coming into my own. As if before this moment everything before this was a prologue. I am introduced at this age, coming into these situations. My life before now a mere pond of memories. I'm making changes in life, confronting myself.

Harring is in Mexico, as I am sure I have mentioned once before. I enjoy his Scorpio behavior, but I worry about the intensity of it all. He travels so often, it's seems so romantic. How his life works. He travels around to make documentaries. Perhaps I can be the Wardrobe Supervisor for his film. HAR HAR

I fear that if we date, I may turn into Hedda Gabler. After developing a taste of worrying about only myself. I find the idea of sharing that responsibility with someone unsettling. Not to shoulder my burden, but to give me something else to enjoy for a while. Am I possible of that commitment?

It feels odd wanting to enjoy something in these times of serious worry. It's all going to shift soon, this I can tell. My body feels it, for better or for worse. So far the steps have been promising. I feel so sorry for those I have read about who have been "let go." Leaving my job when I did, for ceremonies sake, was the perfect timing. They didn't let me go, I left them. Pride is a sin, this is true.

In a few days I will be seeing Equus. That's something to look forward to. I love that play, it's dated true, but it's unique. This man wrote Amadeus too, which I find utterly fascinating.

Life Returns. . .

Thanks to anyone who was comforting in my time of confusion. What made the situation more ironic (but in a good way) was that the moment I found this out. A bunch of people all jumped to my aid. From just being an ear to offering to make my calls for me. I did figure the situation out.

It's not a story that has lots of crying or screaming. I just kept calling and kept my cool. Finally after like the 4th or 5th call I got my answer. In two Monday's from now, I will be attending a group. Life will return to it's state of whatever it was before.

Thank you.

There But For The Grace of God Go I

I finished that paper. With that out of the way and two more tests tomorrow. I'll be over the hill! Then, Upstate New York! The dregs of the state. I'll be incredibly bored, but I won't have to pay for anything. That seems to be key in this game. No tattoos planned, just resting and reading and relaxing. Going to the mall and driving around the rent-a-car. Listening to music, working on my resume.

With that, I'll have one more semester until I graduate! Hurrah! I will get through it and do the whole "degree acceptance thing." It really doesn't mean anything, it just means I have prolonged normal living.

Then there begins the terror of getting a job. All I hear constantly is people getting fired and hours getting cut. That finding a job of any type is pointless, there's so many unemployed. It seems that the drug business is the only thing to get into.

If that were to happen, I assure you, I will omit it from this part of my life. I don't need any evidence. I've seen Oz, I don't really want to go to jail.

We shall see. I keep having visions of myself on the garbage truck working for my father, picking up trash. Or building a road for Obama. Oh, what the future holds. I truly do believe we are in the Great Depression, despite positive thinking. Lets see what happens shall we?

Snakes, Speedos and Sexuality

Tonight I snaked the toilet! For fun I wore my Red Speedo. I was feeling sexy. Not to mention the absurdity of playing around in toilet water while wearing this:

Pose much? Actually, I always stand this way.

It all seems very strange, right? But, why not put on your bathing trunks when you're about to go swimming? Oh if I could have taken a picture with the Yellow Rubber Gloves!

Now this leads me to my next point. As far as my body goes, I do believe I am in the prime of my life. I am very proud of my body, for the first time in a while. It makes me happy that when I lift my arms, abs are visible. You have to understand 4 to 6 years ago the idea of abs were a legend that I would talk about with people over firesides.

Sit back and listen as I tell you a tale. Horses that have horns are called Unicorns. Men who have goat legs are called Satyrs. People born with Abs are called Abnormals!

It was the only way I could deal with the idea that people are just BORN with 6-pack Abs. They can eat as much as they want and never lose them. Now I sort of have them [really only when I lift my arms or in the right lighting] and I'm happy with that. It's not that I don't run and lift weights at the gym. I do! So excuse me while I brag for a moment...

Bragabsbragabragsbabsbragbragbragarbabs

Okay, I'm done gloating. It's also ironic in this time. The prime of my life. I have decided to withhold my body from the touch of others. As much as looks shouldn't matter in dating and love, in the cruel reality, they do. We all want people who turn us on sexually.

The Tall Man was in great shape, but there was one night he showed me pictures of himself, when he was fatter [because you show fuckbuddies who you have no feelings for embarassing pictures of yourself when you were huge. Right? That's what I've come to understand.] So his body reflected this when examined up close. Stretchmarks, but a very flat stomach. His pectorals were well defined, but if uncared for could easily turn into man bosoms. I loved his body, more than anyone else I've met in my life [to date]. I felt hot when I was with him, because I thought his body was perfect. It obviously wasn't the textbook definition of "Hot". The abs were absent and the muscles on the body were not always all that well-defined.

When we fucked though, you could feel all the muscles working.

When I lost him, I think I mourned the loss of his body most of all. That's not that bad of a discovery. I didn't love him, I loved his body. His personality obviously needs some major improvement, though it was a decent personality, it was still a Gay New York Males Personality.

When the going gets tough, the tough calls you on the phone and feeds you bullshit.

I allowed myself to get lost for a moment. Excuse me. Yet, the outcome of that memory dive was a positive one. Positivity. A reoccurring theme this year.

Lastly, and I know you were thinking this the entire time reading. Yes, I did shower after I snaked the toilet.

Miss Otis Regrets...

So much to not say. So little not to do. Where doth the time fly?

New Orleans, this Thursday. Back on the plane, this time heading towards the gorgeous South! Land of Plastic beads and Tennessee Williams! Oh, perhaps I should reread some 10? I sometimes long for him, I long from that time when I first read his words and felt whole new worlds opening. Beautiful and tragic. The Kingdom of Heaven does not come at an easy price!

Today has been a day of no work. Shame, shame, shame. I did discover Patti LaBelle's version of Miss Otis Regrets that has sent me giggling like a 14-year-old school girl every time I start it! You need to hear it to believe it! She turns it into a harrowing tale.

When she woke up and found that her dream of love was...GOOOOONNNNNE! Madame! She ran, she ran to the man! Who lead her astray!

And from under a black velvet gown! She drew a gun and SHOT her love down...Madame!

Miss Otis Regrets! She's unable, unable, UNABLE! To lunch...TODAY!

When the mob came and got her! And dragged her from the jail! MADAME! They strung her up! Up! UP! On the Willow across the way!

Tonight a boy I have befriended has revealed that he has feelings for me. It was straight-forward and to the point. I appreciated that, and felt warmly happy inside. I responded with, "I am all types of unstable right now. Just be my friend for now." He's young and naive and I feel that if I touched his body it would melt like a freshly fallen snowflake.

I want him to be in my life. As a friend for now. I don't know how I feel about him, but I like his friendship. That's what's important, right? To value the friendships you have before anything else. Perhaps someday I'll be able to feel that same way in return. Of course, then it will be to late and I'll realize how "Julia Roberts" my life has become.

Lastly, I leave you with various pictures of Jennifer Holliday making weird faces at the Tony Awards:

The one that got her the Tony Award:

Miss Otis regrets, she's unable to lunch today.

Making Dinner Tonight

So much is changing so quickly. We now have a digital Cable box Converter. Which means that for the first time in years, I can watch TV. Right now, I have PBS on and Wishbone is playing. Wishbone! I get upset that PBS's connection is a little looser than the others. It's PBS, what can I say. Heh, loose.

Oh, and there's the Traffic Channel! A Channel that plays security cameras from various intersections. Amazing! I haven't seen a commercial in so many years, some of them hurt my brain. Or the Christian Channel! Now that one is a pisser! A lady dressed all in sequins plays the organ. Or the old man, who I am convinced is GOD, discusses the bible, "The best book that's been around for over 2000 years."

I built a coffee table out of beechwood and spit. It was quite and accomplishment and came out looking like this:

It's all those years I spent building with Legos. Look at that, I have material possessions. I have revenue! Oh, good I can go bankrupt like all the rest.

I enjoy putting things together, not necessarily building them from scratch. That's where my faults lie, and it seems to be the theme of this semester. I knew taking two classes that are about scene stuff would just destroy me. I'll get through it, worry not, I am sure I'll get through it.

I am going to New Orleans next week. I'll bring my laptop, but I'm not sure about Internet connection. I'm going there poor, but I'll not let it worry me to much. I have a little amount set back. Just means no souvenirs for anyone, a couple small things for myself and just money on food and drink.

Homework was the theme of the day, and that's what I did. Nothing exciting!

OH! Yes, the good news. There must be some good news, shouldn't there?

I have a chance to get some experience in wardrobe. It's not paid, but they will feed me! That's decent work and it's experience outside of college. So we'll see, it's networking and such. Let's work it you. This is why you're here!

I have to much homework, but I'll get it done. I think I will, maybe I won't. Maybe this is where I stop and fail? I hope not. I keep thinking about the future, what's going to become of Iguana? It's like a cry in the darkness really. No one cares to answer the cry though.

My friend has two different guys he's going back and forth between. While I am incredibly jealous, I am also very happy that he has that to worry about. Not other issues like health or moving or loneliness. I'm happy for him. I wouldn't mind just one guy giving me problems with my love life, we'll get there.

I'm making dinner for K tonight, she's back from San Francisco. Oh joy, oh rapture!

Edit: The dinner was very successful! I cooked a full mean successfully!

The Gnawing Bother

I'm going to write before bed and see if that calms this anxious feeling in my stomach. Tomorrow is my Bio Midterm, something I feel under-prepared for, but will pass like all exams. Then is the election, oh I am sure I'm not the only one to be worrying about that.

Then the trip to San Francisco. Oh, that one I am really looking forward to. I am excited to meet people who I admire and great friends that I deeply love. To travel, what a thought. I would have never foreseen my life coming this path.

I think that's what keeps me going in life, it's the twists and turns it takes. Thoughts you had and have continuously. Tonight I did something I don't like. I got lost in thought, the weakness, but it happens to all.

It started during a conversation with a great friend. About dating, life and love. He made a comment, "I just can't see any of us pairing off." It struck a chord and kept echoing in my head.

He was referring to our group of friends. It made me feel really special, because without knowing it I've spent 2.5 years with these guys. I remember being terrified so long ago, because I just wanted them to like me. How strange is that?

They are my first real gay friends and I learned so much by just being around them. That realization was a good point of the day. Then the presentation of being unable to "couple up" hit my desk. It's obviously not true, but sometimes I think about how anyone can really break into a group that's pretty solid. Isn't that the kind of plot used in most movies, but does it happen in real life?

So I let it sit the entire day and that was my fatal error. Then I came home and it grew, as I began to feel overwhelmed. My midterms, the election, my trip, my homework. Why did I agree to go to Spring Awakening?

Oh, wait I don't mind that surprise.

It's a free ticket, it's cathartic bullshit and I need it! Despite the fact there are no Spring Awakening performances on any other Monday besides this one, that's what told me I had to go. If you let life run it's course, sometimes it's a little easier to deal with.

Which leads me back this trip to San Francisco! I lose my points so easily. This trip was originally tentative, but it happened nonetheless. It marks beginnings and continuations.

I know my story, and that's the point it's my own. Is it also ironic that I leave for San Francisco the exact same week that I'd met The Tall Man? 'Tis Fate I swear.

And I go off to see a friend that is a chosen family member. Someone I would love to grow old with, how wonderful to know I can feel this towards someone. She's a female, how ironic. A fellow Cancer and she showed me that kindness in this world can still exist.

Then I'm going to grow a pair of testicles for once and meet someone off of Livejournal. Oh, blogs of yesteryear, if these walls could talk. This story once again goes on and it is my own. So I'll share it with those I see fit.

So I will fall a little behind in my work. I'm letting myself sink into "travel" mode a couple of days early. This trip has been coming for months and the anticipation is almost to much. I only hope those in San Francisco are ready for the surges of emotion that my erupt, or perhaps none will happen at all.

San Francisco: 2 Days.

I Will Admit

I skipped class. After the week of continuous motion, I needed to not leave my apartment. I also needed to work on my Scenic Design Project. In my opinion it's nothing short of awful, I can't build models. It's not a "skill" I am just going to suddenly pick up. Also, the lack of time just didn't help either.

I sat on the floor of my living room and looked off into space. There was a few minutes in the evening, I'd say around 4:37. I looked around the living room and felt alone again. The way the lights passed through the window, turning the room into a golden hue. There was silence as my laptop changed from one song to the next. I felt like I could see the particles in the air.

I looked down at my model, let out a huge sigh, and continued on "building" What went through my mind at that moment was a feeling of confusion and calmness. It seemed as if time had stopped for a longer than it should have.

I can't wait for this seasonal depression to just pass by. I've been recommended to speak with the New Chair of my College as my experience as a B.A. I declined the offer, but told the woman I would send her an essay. It's a cunning move on my part, it'll let me articulate my issues with the last three years. Which aren't that many, but are severe enough to merit a letter.

It's time to watch Oz. Perhaps that will pass the depression out of me. A Prison Drama with Broadway Divas will surely help.

Sorting Of Thoughts

After the events of last night and a discussion with my roommate. It's official! I know nothing about dating anymore. I know nothing about relationships and dealing with another person in that way. My roommate and I are odd because we come from two different paths where that comes in. My path is that of a slut.

Somewhere, probably with the last breakup three years ago, I lost some sort of insight. I missed some universal lesson and thought that fucking anything in my path was the way to go. Why? Sex is what everyone wants, right? It's where adventures lie! In some people's eyes this may not be the case. In mine, it made sense at 20, and I have the capabilities.

My roommate says I am saying contradictory things. I am not denying this. It is with that missed lesson that I got lost. I like sex, but apparently, I don't like dating? I can go the romantic route: saying that there is someone out there who will understand me for who I am, someday we will meet and the universe will be restored. Or I can go a realistic path and think that perhaps I am not ready to date, possibly ever.

How has it happened that The Gentleman Caller, The Tall Man, The Escort and another guy I was fucking, all actually are dating or in serious relationships? Yet, they did this all while riding my ass, literally! You can draw it all to one point, that I put out to easily, but that it does not seem that simple and I refuse to believe it.

Being a Cancer does not make this an easy path. I live on Romantic thoughts. I get caught up so easily in the moment, I make rash decisions and then I allow myself to suffer when they never turn out as I hoped they would (but knew they never would?)

Logic isn't my best asset. I grew up in the woods playing in imaginary worlds. When that time to stop playing came, I kept the imagination, I kept the fantasies and the refusal to believe that things just are.

So I have this innocence in me that people still see. I have a vulnerability that is dangerous. My honesty is always there. I've always been a loner, but I was raised in Upstate Suburbia. We pair off, it's what we do up there. Then to grow up with a heterosexual code of conduct, that doesn't necessarily live in the homosexual world. Even the happy couples are all inviting a third into the bedroom nowadays. Perhaps, I need to be around as that third? If I'm paired off who else would they call?

That is to simple in actuality, the issues I'm wrestling with are filled with contradictions and that's why it's difficult to articulate.

Then there are my sexual urges. My roommate reminded me that I haven't stopped having sex. I know this, but I have cut it down considerably. When I get frustrated, I get horny. It's so interesting. We all have things that we do that are unhealthy when we are depressed. Some people drink, others cut themselves and I have sex with people. Do I want to say right off that bat, this is completely unhealthy? Not really. Sex is sex is sex is sex.

See therein lies the problem. I know how to have/get/look for sex. Without that curiosity to drive it, dating is no fun. I find that the people I am sexually attracted to, aren't the people I'd like to date. This works in reverse too. Maybe I'm not making sense in all this, but I never was one for sense.

In short, I don't want to be in a relationship. And though I will get upset if a person I am fucking reminds me that they are dating someone. It will make me feel lonely, this is true. I would feel equally lonely with the mind games that people play anyway. I'm living the unorthodox path and like any Vegan is aware: It's not an easy one. One day perhaps it will all just click, probably on my deathbed, and I'll know how to make it all work.

I am taking steps to figure things out. I will make excuses like everyone else, but I will be aware of them. The heart is a lonely hunter. Truly it is.

I need to dispel any thoughts of dating. If I fuck someone, I am fucking them. No matter how much we flirt or kiss or cuddle. As well as I have the right to say, "I don't want to talk about who you're dating. We're having sex and I just don't feel comfortable in giving relationship advice." And feel justified in saying that.

Getting a dog seems so much easier. I think I'll start looking into that path of life. A Boy and his Dog.