My Nose

I had an accident with my sleeping pills and sleepwalking. It ended with part of my nose being cut off, literally. I took one sleeping pill when I was awake, but while I was sleepwalking, I took four more. That's where it all began and ended. I walked around the apartment thinking there was someone there. Then I climbed out onto the fire escape and called The Construction Worker on my phone. . .while asleep.

Luckily I climbed back into the apartment in a sleepy haze. As I climbed into the window I fell. I hit my head against the window and my glasses sliced off a part of my nose. True story. I woke up then, but was still drugged up and in a haze. I sat in blood and waited for the Constructive Worker to arrive. He healed me and put me to bed. . .

It was his birthday.

Sadness in the Form of a Day

I have been spending the night with the ShyGuy, yes, I'm braking my usual rules. We haven't "slept" together because he has a nice potpourri of issues that get in the way. I really know how to pick them. He's on a bevy of medications that stop his already silent personality. In turn, sleeping next to him turns more into a question of, "Why am I not in my own bed right now?"

I enjoy him, but underneath the shyness there is something missing. I put myself into this position and will give it some more time. We're not dating, I don't think we are. I know that I would rather be away from him right now, not necessarily near him. Once again, I accept that that I put myself into this situation.

The group of friends I am creating through my support group is nice. They wanted to try out for softball tomorrow, then things got difficult. I can't afford the $100 fee and I don't own a mitt. I feel like a quitter, but just these are circumstances outside of my control.

My insomnia has returned, so I feel as if something has brought it about. I've run out of Ambien and like Judy Garland I am going through the shakes. Today I woke up feeling like I'd been through an all night bender. My headached and I slept until noon. Thus today has been so off. Oh so off.

My roommate leaves for two months on the 30th. I know she's returning, but I feel so stoic. She gets to go on a fun and wild adventure and I sit at home. Always at home. I'm happy for her though and it will be great for her to see the world. I have always wanted to see the world, I'll get my chance again someday.

All these complaints. I know there are good things. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will not go to softball practice or ShyGuy's rugby game. Tomorrow I shall try reclaiming myself. I am going to be selfish, I do love these new friends and all they want to do, but I can't do it right now. I just cannot.

Skinny Jeans

You need to buy a suit for interviews. You don't own a suit?

No, I don't, I just purchased my first pair of skinny jeans this week. No one in my life has died or gotten married. I suppose I was raised business casual my entire life. The idea of owning a suit terrifies me, spending $600 dollars of this money I don't have. How does that happen? How can that happen?

I'm down to my last Ambien. The second to last is currently working its magic in my body. Prepare yourself from the insomnia to return in full force. I've been working on improving it. I still have melatonin, but that leaves me feeling so groggy in the mornings.

I have been reading about Stephen Sondheim non-stop this week. A biography on his life and his art. For the paper I plan to write for my 20th Century Theater Class. I have found a new Sondheim song, one that I've know existed for years, but ignored cause it wasn't big and flashy. Anyone Can Whistle though speaks to me terribly. So terribly.

What's hard is simple,
What's natural comes hard.
Maybe you could show me
How to let go, lower my guard, learn to be . . .
free.

I lack social graces that allows for this song to ring true. This week coming will be filled with midterms and wondering what is going to happen with my life. I guess I need to work on buying that suit. For without a suit, it seems you'll never get anywhere in the world.

I know the suggestion was to help, but it was said as if there was a balanced idea behind it. A rule that everyone knew, besides me. I know the good intentions that were behind it as well. Oh I do.

I feel off these days. As if I am existing just to be erased from memories. I can't seem to connect with people on levels that I wish I could connect with them on. I feel this longing to be loved and supported, but constantly encounter roadblocks. Each week goes by and draws closer to impending graduation.

Oddly enough, I feel these months may hold some change for better or worse. Against all will, the hands of fate will carry out their vile plans. I can try to deter the immediately consequences, but the gears that are turning, have been turning for far to long.

I was speaking with The Escort who is moving to CT into his John's house to live rent free and do school work. He also fixes the house and such. He'll be in the city taking classes, but I told him that I know so many homos our age who are leaving. He corrected me and told me he wasn't leaving.

IGUANA: Not all of us have a house in CT we can move into that is rent free.
ESCORT: You have your parent's house, don't you?

Now I was caught off guard with the notion that my parents are existentially my John. That a man who used to fuck this guy is graciously helping his life by letting him move into his house in CT and live for free. While if I moved home to upstate NY. I would not only be forced to get a job, I would have to pay rent for my room and I would ultimately throw myself in front of a truck!

That's the Ambien talking, I think.

No, my prostituted little friend. Our lives are not under the same category. It's fun to pretend, but they will never been.

The Week I Have Known About For a Year

It's here, the week that I haven't looked forward to for a year. It's hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know if there's a way to explain myself. I am going to write and if it comes out in a way that makes sense. I shall be content at that.

It's a day. February 20th is a day. There is the stresses of life. The movie, college, love, unemployment and the future. There are the stresses of the year. Health, blood, loneliness, depression and the struggle to find a balance in it all.

I woke up yesterday morning. A Monday. As usual I felt tense and unsure. I did not want to go to the movie set because that's an unnecessary stress. An added worry. I feel like I'm shirking responsibility. I haven't been there today either. I will return tomorrow, but it leaves me terrified. Just being there. I will not quit and only a few weeks until it's all through. Then it will be complete.

I will hope that in that time I can gather strength to continue on with it. How do you explain to people that you just can't deal with it? I feel the need to be alone, but when I'm alone I feel like I want company.

Recently, I've just felt like the awareness of my situation is not helping. Tonight I made dinner. I am cooking full meals. Something a year ago I could never do. I made dinner for my roommate and a member from group. He says he doesn't think about his status. I suddenly felt like a child babbling about something I didn't understand. I just talk out of nervousness, I'm a scared person.

How can I get to this point where it's a non-issue. I'm not trying to be a martyr, it's just always there. When can I get to the point where it's like an unseemly birthmark? It's there, but I've learned to live with it.

My Mark of Caine returned because I have blood taken. Looking at a bruise on my arm can open a door. Thinking of a stupid date can do these things too.

Just ignore it then! It's a day, it was no different than two February's ago. Or four February's ago, except for the fact it is.

Sometimes I just want to be held until I can't breath and I'm forced to either scream or cry. Yet, the person will not let go until I have exhausted my emotions to the point of breaking. I want to sit there and scream.

I want therapy. I will get therapy. The anxiety that comes from simple tasks like calling and finding out information. The clarity of my mind says to do is ASAP, but the fogginess says to hold off.

I want to be a defined person. No more dramatic events, no more worrisome nights. No more loneliness. I know what I want to do it and sometimes I'm tired of just trying. Always pushing. There's always another step, there's always the advice, the offers and suggestions.

I'm going to sleep and keeping it in mind that when I wake. I will be better. I will feel better.

A Continuation of Before

I should say something, shouldn't I?

What to say though? It's been a weird week and college will continue in seven days.

Now here comes the pisser of this post. I popped an Ambien before I started writing it.

Now, without my permission. I assure, the weirdest things I am beginning to see at this very moment. The way the computer screen begins to pulsate. As if it's about to give birth.

I should be talking about the job I have as Wardrobe Supervisor, but to watch the icons in my Dashboard. It suddenly seems ridiculous to even broach a topic in this state. I've been working on the script all day and I am due up at 10 AM. How vile, don't you agree?

I'm getting through the plots and such. Hopefully I'll finish it soon. Unfortunately I'm in phase two of Ambien. Where every other sleep in my sleep tells me to do nothing but sleep.

My life isn't worthy of writing about right now. It needs to be lived and not documented. It needs to be engraved in minds and not on paper.

Sleep.

As If It Never Went Away

The Ambien wore off. I'm not taking another one because I need to be up at 7:30 anyway.

I am glad to know that months after beginning the pills, nothing has changed. The election is over and my life is getting better (I think). I still can't figure out how to sleep.

The 15th Anniversary Tommy Reunion Concert was stellar! Poor Alice Ripley, I wish they'd turned on you microphone. They kept showing clips from the Broadway show. It was such an amazing and captivating production. So dark and amazing. Marcia Mitzmin Gaven still has it too! Not to mention she looked amazing! I actually wish they'd revive it, with no real changes, it's honestly an Amazing Journey to watch that show.

I wish I could sleep. I really wish I could sleep.

Thus It Returned

I am sleepless. I am without sleep. I knew it was bound to happen with the finals and such.

It's been a big night! I finished On The Road and Oz all in the same day!

First, On The Road was truly amazing. It opened my eyes to a whole different style of writing. I loved the homosexual context. As the book drew closer to an end, I was torn about the character of Dean. His madness! It seemed so familiar to me. The ending when Dean could only whisper, he wasn't able to speak audibly or coherently.

I see images of myself driven that far and into that stupor. I fear the rejection by people who once cared about you. Yet, Dean is the ultimate loner. Another reason I relate to him. His life is like the wind and he floats like a leaf on it. If that be my fate, then I guess I will have to go gracefully.

The book was amazing and I hope to never forget it. When Dean would go into rapture while listening to music or see a landscape and just burst into sobs. I felt such a linking with those moment. Am I a Beat? Destined to a dead generation movement.

Oz is done and ended as it began. No one has really changed, people have died. They would've be replaced. Adebisi was my favorite and will always be my favorite on that show. The show took character types of all kinds, then added the fact that they were prisoners.

They had already ascended justice. This was a prison filled with demi-Gods. They stole, killed and threatened. No one was to powerful, because they were all in an equal playing cage. You'd route for Beecher, because he was the good one. Was he? Or was his crime that he was to good. He cared to much and that's why he still ended up in jail.

Lastly, now this one is a dozy, but I'll articulate to the best of my abilities.

Tonight, the boy who told me he likes me. He went on a little speech that had to do with God. How his praying has helped him find a decent apartment and to find this job so quickly. He believes that all he needs is a boyfriend and he'll be good to go in life.

He told me how he prays and asks his parents to pray for him. Recently his prayers have all been answered. Then he continued on with how he's upset because he has no one to complain to. As God rewards the virtuous, he will also punish his children because they believed they deserved things in earnestly.

I sat there and only could agree. I don't want to burn a bridge with him yet, I don't intend to. I did ask him, "Why are you complaining if all these good things have come your way? You seem to only be complaining about how no one will listen to you complain." In short, that you have no one to coddle you!

Of course my statement was taken in offense. Where I had to make clear that I asked him repeatedly to tell me what was wrong, yet the only thing he could come up with was that was his major complaint.

I suppose that's where the Boyfriend will come in. Someone to share your sorrows with, who has no choice to to listen and take it in.

I told him good luck to finding that, as I have had no luck. His response was, "We're two different stories."

I quickly needed to end the conversation, as I was getting a little irked. I didn't know how to politely ask, what makes us so different? That you're pure and have God on your side? And I'm a tainted heathen who is Godless and bound for sadness?

I know it's over exaggerating, but we're close in age. We've had different starting off points. I am sure he'll find love and a boyfriend in a snap. He'll look and it'll be amazing and I'll be bitter. Or will I? I don't know these days.

I'm sure that's how the whole story will go. I was bothered by how he was not necessarily telling me about his accomplishments. He kept reminding me how praying to God got them for him. I am sorry, friend, but I bought into him for a while and life wasn't that way for me.

I am anything but a stable or happy person right now. Do I feel that it's because I lack God's light in my life. I would certainly hope it's not that simple, as if I went to H&M over American Apparel, thus missing a great sale. My action's are done, I have given myself experience in life. The bitterest of life's experiences, yet they are my own.

I let his talk of God get to me because I hear bragging. "I pray...look what came into my life." There is no advice he can pass onto me, except the feeling of confusion.

Has everything bad happened because I stopped praying? The homelessness, the scabies, the drugs, the sex, the virus, the tears, the sobs, the dark nights, the loss of time, the insomnia and all other aspects of this. Has all this been God's justified punishment for my leaving him? And if that is the case, isn't it true that sometimes you can go to far when disciplining someone you love. You can take that step and get to greedy for seeing the victim suffer.

And in turn something clicks in the victim's mind. Perhaps, God didn't foresee this at all. I am sure he is bound to make mistakes.

I was being punished by God, I'll allow that fact to be true. I wanted life to earnestly, I was greedy and unknowing.

Why would I ever return to someone who has knowingly put me through so much pain? How could I go back to someone who I know rewards the simple and punishes those who want to discover?

The spark of creation, is burning bright inside me.

I appreciate this boy's honesty and his openness. Yet, he speaks of God from only a positive light. I am sure he knows the bad things, but I can tell him of my woes and we'll see. Maybe I won't, because it will take a lot of energy, I do feel this is true.

Mama Wants To Sing

Tonight is the first time I'll have taken Ambien that is prescribed to me. I'm not a stranger to them, which surprises no one. I'm going to lay down, the doctor said to take one 3o mins before I wanted to sleep.

I'm not going to get hooked, because I don't have many to take. I just wanna sleep, that's all.

Oh, Look

It's 4 am. I lied. I'm still up. I'm gonna take a walk. Just in case I go missing. You'll know I went for a walk.

Insomnia — September 23, 2008

Oh the magical hour of 3 am approaches! Except to(day)morrow I have to be up at 7:30 AM for class. I've taken a sleeping supplement, but my body has built an immunity to them it seems. How odd. Perhaps it is true what my friend says, that I'm invincible.

I'm going to try and sleep with classical music. Usually around 3 AM, I pass out. My mind decides that it's tortured me enough. As I've said before: I always feel elite being an insomniac. My mother would be so proud, her son, an Elitist!

I tried laying a pillow next to me. To simulate a body. I tried that counting thing again. Am I doing something wrong? Oh and I won't start on the thoughts of castration that have been milling about in my mind. Why are they there? How did they get there? Well, I suppose all thoughts have a place in their own right.

September 22nd, 2008 — Insomnia

"Just try to BE. Don't worry and you'll sleep."

Fuck you to that bullshit. I've counted breath. I am just being me. I am doing what I can to fall asleep. I can't.

I've finished Season 3 of Weeds. What else would I be doing in a restless night?

I think I'm going through withdrawal this weekend. Withdrawal of sex, affection and security. I've been plagued with thoughts and memories. Talking to people. Calling people. Trying to get closure. Thinking about picking up a phone and telling certain people, "We need to meet and talk." I won't name names, but ideas have popped in and out.

Then I sit in the subway car, as this often happens on the train, and I think how silly it must all seem. Can't you just forget and move along. I think of how indirectly cruel people can be. How human beings abandon each other repeatedly and without a second thought. Maybe it only happens in this city, but it's happens nonetheless.

I sit up at night and I think about the future, something I know I can't control. I think about where life is going. I think where it may go, where it could go. How do I get there? What parts should I be more alert on than others?

I think about my job, or lack thereof. I think of when to start applying for new jobs. What will I apply for? Will I find a job I want to work with for a while. Will I settle for something in between? I think about how difficult it can be to apply and I wonder if I'll get lucky again. Will a friend help me out? Will I have to do it on my own?

Oh and let me guess this is the moment (If I were explaining this out loud) that you would offer advice. Telling me to relax, not worry about the future, count breathes, meditate, think about only tomorrow...

Well, I'm not asleep and I've tried all that. So I'll continue...

I think about being alone. I think about Dancer From The Dance and the message that's projected in that book. I'm not through it yet, but it sits on my shoulders like a heavy weight. Things seem so unchanged since the 1970s in Gay Culture. The parties, the lifestyle, the trips to Fire Island, etc. If I read that book unaware of the time it's set. I'd shrug and say I was reading a book written a couple of months ago.

I talked with a kid I went to high school years ago. He's a baby. I IM'd him to say hello. I said that I didn't want to talk about issues that would make me upset. The fetus proceeded to bring up dead stories from our high school years that were probably things I never wanted to remember. When he started telling me how excited he was for Legally Blonde and Prisilla Queen of the Desert the Musical to arrive, I knew he was full of nothing useful.

I'm not complaining. Oh, no. After 2 AM, it's free range. That's why insomniacs stay up, not to complain, but to reflect. It sounds like complaining, because no one looses sleep over good news. The fact that I am typing this up on a blog says that I'm not in that bad of a situation. The day I can't type about my insomnia. Then I'm in trouble. If that day comes...

Sorry my mind only thinks as far as tomorrow.

The Witching Hour Is Appraoching

I think it's official. Insomnia has forced me to admit I am a night person. Of course my alarm is set for 7:30 am, but no matter which way I lay my head on my pillow I feel no rest.

I spent the night watching Cowboy Bebop and giving a stranger a dirty show via Photo booth. Every night, life gets weirder and weirder. I want rest, I need rest. I yawn as I type this, but the moment I lay my head down I feel more alert. The pillow inspires thought. I count my breath, I count numbers and I count my blessings. Nothing helps.

The bed I have made seems to be very uncomfortable sometimes. Yet, I will not deny that I sleep in it nightly.

With School Returning...

So does the Insomnia. Buckle your seats belts, it's gonna be a bumpy night.

Sleepless Nights

It's 3:11am. I <3 insomnia.

Whenever I dream...

I wish I had fallen asleep at say, 1 am. Or even 2 am. Yet I had more thoughts filling my mind, that I couldn't push out. The Tall Man and The Gentleman Caller both just came in and took rule of my thoughts.

So in short I'm feeling pretty low today. The Tall Man wrote back. He's on his business trip now. Meaning he was probably lying to me about going then. Who knows. He apologized more and I cried more. It's SO easy to be the one who cares. Any pain you caused me...seriously? Okay, I'm not going to play victim right now, but don't, just don't.

I may go see this because I'm having troubles focusing on life...

Insomia day: 233

wanna know whats not fun about insomnia? everything.

A Trip...

I must admit his Patti is more a mix of May West, La LuPone and Angela all rolled into one giant mess. Yet he helps me laugh while I can't sleep.

Go It Alone

I am having a minor episode right now, something that I feel will be a constant problem for several months now. I am trying to breath deep because everyone went out tonight or is in bed and not picking up their phones.

I'm terrified to lay down in my bed. I tried a moment ago and immediately thoughts of The Tall Man entered them. Then I began to think about what I would say to him, well what I will say to him when I saw him. My mind soon became a madhouse of issues and I had troubles breathing and my body tensed up.

It all sounds very dramatic I am sure. Yet, it's the way I work nowadays. I began feeling overwhelmed by the idea that he had a much more powerful affect over me. That this is what I feel and the fact that he probably feels nothing. Sure he may be worried about me, but all he portrayed. When I go back in my head and think of the gestures and things said. Then I realize they meant absolutely nothing apparently.

Something clicked in his mind, just suddenly to make him want to end it. To say, "We should stop having sex." Why when only days before we had sex twice in one day? Or that weeks before he was cuddling me and kissing me. That suddenly we should stop all that physical contact. That weeks before he was concerned what my friends thought of him! That now he tells me he has been dating other people!

And for these thoughts I feel lost and alone. I'm not ready to handle this all by myself. I'm not ready to sleep by myself. I'm not willing to close my eyes every night and think, "This is it. This could possibly be the most affection I will ever get." That my life will continue being a series of short affairs, never progressing past that: You're great, but I don't see this turning into anything serious.

Then I returned onto Manhunt. The vilest website on the earth, and yet so addictive. I had my first rejection, "I can't mess around with you...I know all about the safety precautions of HIV. But it wouldn't be fair to my boyfriend..."

Excuse me, did I hear you right? You're in an open relationship with your boyfriend, allowed to fuck other people. Since I was honest with you and we would've had safe sex anyways. It's not fair to YOUR boyfriend!? I'm having troubles breathing right now.

Why did he ever bother telling me about his personal life? Why did he have that serious conversation with me? It's the sort of conversation you have with people you want to be honest with? Isn't it? Why did he do these things and change his mind so quickly?

Why are these thoughts coming on? Why can't I push them out?

Something is Off...

I went to bed last night at 11:15 pm. I was mildly high and I took half a Melatonin (sleeping Vitamin thing). Yet it was one of the worst nights I've ever had. Then this morning I have awoken (oh goodness is that even a word? Well it is now, but I suppose I mean arisen) into a mindset that constantly makes me want to burst into tears.

I understand that maybe the sleeping until 2 pm didn't help me fall right off into Dreamland again. Though I did dream last night mind you. It was a horrid dream about camping and I forgot to pack my sleeping back. I was with all the people I went to China with. Only this time the last place I wanted to be was for a month in the middle of the woods with them. I kept waking up and feeling restless.

I have an idea of why I had these issues. Hopefully after tomorrow they will calm down. Things to do like getting test results back from the Doctor (because he didn't call me back on Friday...but said that if he didn't call me back it didn't mean something bad had happened. No news is good news). I have a performance thing tomorrow for my class, which I've rehearsed...I mean rehearsing for the first time today.

I also am having those regular what am I doing with myself worries. The fact that it's been a month basically since I told myself I was telling work I am leaving and I haven't. Why so afraid? Today I have a moment thinking, "Why would you leave it if you don't have a reason to leave it?" And it's making sense. I mean if I'm just taking summer classes why? If I have an internship somewhere that requires me full time then I take it. Perhaps I should wait until the end of the summer. Depending on what happens to me in terms of opportunities.

As per Tuesday tradition, all these things will be brought up in Therapy. Hurrah. Hopefully, some clarity will come from it!

1:25 am — Things happen strangely here.

It's 1:25 am and I'm not asleep. You know what that means...

So I'll just type until I feel tired and get somethings out of my mind. Why am I letting little things bother me? Like the light that filters through my windows while I try to sleep. It's such a light night out. I need to be up at 6 am...I will hate myself, but I will get up.

I just bought 8 tickets to see RENT. Hello major credit card purchase. It's for the greater good. Even though I look at my bank account, which seems to had dwindled since before China and I feel panic. Immediate panic. Immense panic.

With the idea of leaving my paying job into nothing. With such low funds, I swallow hard and say worry not, it'll replenish. Then I have those thoughts I could easily have believed when I was up in the bank account. Those thoughts are, "Maybe I should stay with the job through the summer..."

Then what about a possible internship? What about feeling better? What about telling my boss I am leaving? It's not bad to go back on your word. Was the psychic right? Oh my God. Why? I need to be involved with theater, but I also need money to live here. Especially being that I will so be independent of my parents. Completely. With bills to pay and loans. And all that grownup stuff. Oh my GOD, why is this coming into my head now??

The Tall Man called me tonight to hang out tomorrow and go out on a date. Does that make me feel better? Yes, it does. What doesn't make me feel better is the lack of money in my account. Also school. Tomorrow I will purely focus on homework. Get a majority of it done tomorrow. Put myself ahead of the game and focus.

The gym at 6 am...the gym...Oh God groceries must be purchased tomorrow!

Musicals need to be thinned out, you knew this would happen eventually. The belt buckle would have to tighten. It just WOULD. Yet, you aren't adjusting as well as you hoped. You've been home, what? 13 days. why haven't you assimilated to the new life yet? The real life. You knew it was coming all through China.

Why isn't life unfolding the way I wished it ever would? Why did they assign me to Costume Crew for Two Gentlemen Of Verona? When I clearly asked to be on deck crew of a show. So I wouldn't have to do hours in the shop. So when I thought all was going well in that vein at least, I was shown differently.

How has Next To Normal become my absolute favorite musical? So much that I have been listening to it repeatedly for two days straight. As well as I just bought tickets to it again. Despite the fact that I really should have told myself, "You're getting poorer, you need to calm your soul son...calm your soul."

Why did you do this? You did it because you love theater and this is the first show in a while to renew that love of theater. It stirred your soul. Even though you feel that listening to the recording over and over again has promoted this upset feeling you have. It's a dark show. This is The Hours, ALL over again. Why are you so drawn to unhappy housewives? They speak to you in a language no one else was ever able to understand.

It's bordering two, I need at least four hours to function. Correction. I can function on four hours right? In conclusion, I need to be happy again. You need to fix this rut. Try, you know you can. You need things to begin falling into place. You need to not feel this in betweenness that you are indeed feeling.

I can always take up temping again. That's always an option. Keep it there. Hold it and try not to let it slip in the hazy morning when you wake and forget these fears because sleep finally came.