Lovely Realities. . .Blame it on age.

I wrote an email, because I was told to do so if something is on my mind. I wrote you an email because I am young and articulation is not something I do best. I worry about things that I shouldn't. I simply write them out.

Your reaction to the email was strange and puts more thoughts into my mind. Oh, it's a vicious cycle. I can see your faults and I need to decide what's going to happen. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't a good talk either. It simply felt like it happened. He held onto me while we spoke. I write emails, he deals with it in liquor.

I've spent the last few days thinking about our relationship. There were some interesting points made, by some things that weren't liked as well. He accepts that he forgets I am only 24. I accept that I have built an image of what he should be. I am trying to put that idolization out of my head. His weakness is relationships. I look at successful people all the time. The lonely ones. They always are unhappy in love it seems.

They can build fortunes and companies. Make themselves known, but cannot connect to anyone. The Construction Worker is such a being and I see that in him now. He is not a demi-God no matter how much he puts on the image. His faults are in his emotions. You're strong in emotions, but a little to strong.

We shall see how it develops. I do feel love for him. Though it's not been said. Is 8 months to soon to be thinking about it? Or should I have said it at 3 months. Like everyone else around me. I find love in the things unsaid. Time is the achieving factor in all this. The experience gained. The future will be forged in its own path. Jobs to be done. Boring jobs. A new roommate or new place to live. A trip to Greece. A Lady Gaga concert to be seen. Plays to view. Hi ho the glamorous life!

The Calm

Seasons are changing and it's getting warmer out. I've purchased a new phone and have downgraded to a simple phone. I think it's a simple phone, but we're doing it to downgrade the price of an iPhone.

Then there is the changing of the jobs. I'm applying to things and certain funds are ending. There are things that have been said and the future rests on these choice words. The future rests on so much and it looks slightly grimmmm at times.

I have been feeling mad at times. I am swallowing my pride these days and sorting paper. Sorting paper. Sorting paper. Always with the sorting of the paper. Where once was a time that I felt dreams were possible. They still are, but I can't figure the simpler things out.

My boyfriend is silent most times. I am not sure what is on his mind and that makes me anxious. His thoughts are deep and quiet. Time is moving in a strange pacing and I just don't know what to think. I'm trying to get used to this silence, especially since it's so far into this relationship. Silence does not equal bad things. . . I think.

Energies

I'm filled with positive thoughts and energies. Today while I was sorting my paper there was a rush of panic because the paper that we sort had run out. Someone told the story of how the last temp job he was on at this company that ran out. They just dismissed everyone and kept two of them. The worst of stories you can tell to a temp.

A general panic began in the room. Then people began to get calls from the temp agency offering them other jobs. It seemed strange, but then the people who weren't getting calls began to get more nervous. By lunch time tension was high and people were ready to kill each other.

I got a call from the job I applied to in October and apparently they are finally ready to hire me. There was a protocol that they had to follow. I begin to now see that this whole wait may have been planned. To cheat a system, it takes time.

Given to all the tension today. From just sorting papers (or lack thereof) I was relieved to hear that all that waiting had not been for naught. Until I am sitting behind a desk and getting a pay check, I will not believe anything I hear. My response went something like this. . .

Gay Assistant: Are you still interested in the position.
E.Iguana: Did you watch the state of the union address? Of course I would like it . . .

I Don't Know Why . . .

This weekend was a delight. It really was. I saw plenty of good friends and I got lots of good sun. I walked in the park. I did hot yoga, which I now love. I watched good movies and slept fairly well.

Yet, at the end of this weekend I feel lonely. I feel as if something is missing. I will not let it ride into my mind anymore than tonight. I will not wake up tomorrow feeling these feelings.

Tonight though, tonight I can't help but feel them.

I have been quiet these last few weeks, but for good reason. I'm working things out in my mind, trying to put it all in place. I wish it would just click, but I know there is work to be done.

I guess that's all for tonight. That's all there can be.

Why Do The Wrong People Travel? – An Essay of the Soul

This weekend has been an odd one. It's been filled with white lies and little stresses that have left me feeling tired and overwhelmed. I feel pulled in all different directions and wish to be pulled in simply one direction at a time.

The support group has brought an interesting cast of characters into my life, but sometimes I'm left wondering: Where did the original cast go? I used to have people who I saw on a daily basis, but not these days. It seems they recast my life while I was not looking.

I had a social panic this weekend. I was asked to do so many things and in my Cancerous way I retreated into my shell. I feel bad for my lack of interest in certain events and I feel even worse for my inability to care for people's emotions.

I see the telltale signs of my karma coming back at me. I needed to comfort a dear and close friend, more than I needed to make new ones. That's my reasoning and I will stick to it until the day I die. In return the ShyGuy has blown me off for dinner once and I'm only waiting until April 1st, when I will break apart completely.

This weekend has been a reminder of how I need to be careful with my emotions. I am a delightful person to be around, this much is true, but if you try and force me into a corner. I swear I will scratch and lie until people back off.

In the coming months I will be expected to perform all sorts of fantastic feats and without my roommate by my side. Instead, I will have a stranger living under my roof and I am wary. I will welcome him into the apartment with open arms, but he already has his own agenda. So I may just be a bookmark in his life.

I have two more group sessions left. Which is slightly terrifying. Soon there will be no more Monday night commitments. Hopefully it will be replaced with a job. Hopefully.

A Mind Cleanse

I am sick. I have a stuffy nose and I am coughing as if I have TB. These slow days, it's Saturday, yet I am stuck indoors. Oh, to be so poor! I have been using a Nettie Pot, but all I ever get is salt snot down the back of my throat.

Oh, forgive me, I just had a coughing fit. It's so hard to focus, ever since this cold arrived. Last night I slept, but not soundly. I kept dreaming that I was starting a rock band. I would wake up to pee or in a cold sweat. I would return to sleep, intent on forming the band.

College begins the final semester. A five year journey, coming to a close. Has it been five years? Am I still in college? I think back to Pratt, being 19, believing the world didn't have anything on me. I'm sinking into thoughts, I must change the topic or I'll be here all night.

Equus is a play I hold dear to my heart. I have been waiting to see it for about 2 years. There were parts that made me shiver. Daniel Radcliffe is a fine actor and has a cute body. More coughing, my throat feels raw.

I am finishing In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It's one of those novels that you read and fully understand why it's famous. Is it necessarily shocking to the present date? Not quiet, but that's how unimpressed we've become.

Harring is due back from Meh-He-Co tomorrow. We shall see what happens. I need him to return before I can officially consider anything. Right now, I seem to be dying. So I consider that a touch more important. Having been reminded of what it feels like to be touched by another man, it just stirred my soul up. I have to forget that feeling all over again otherwise.

Sorting Of Thoughts

After the events of last night and a discussion with my roommate. It's official! I know nothing about dating anymore. I know nothing about relationships and dealing with another person in that way. My roommate and I are odd because we come from two different paths where that comes in. My path is that of a slut.

Somewhere, probably with the last breakup three years ago, I lost some sort of insight. I missed some universal lesson and thought that fucking anything in my path was the way to go. Why? Sex is what everyone wants, right? It's where adventures lie! In some people's eyes this may not be the case. In mine, it made sense at 20, and I have the capabilities.

My roommate says I am saying contradictory things. I am not denying this. It is with that missed lesson that I got lost. I like sex, but apparently, I don't like dating? I can go the romantic route: saying that there is someone out there who will understand me for who I am, someday we will meet and the universe will be restored. Or I can go a realistic path and think that perhaps I am not ready to date, possibly ever.

How has it happened that The Gentleman Caller, The Tall Man, The Escort and another guy I was fucking, all actually are dating or in serious relationships? Yet, they did this all while riding my ass, literally! You can draw it all to one point, that I put out to easily, but that it does not seem that simple and I refuse to believe it.

Being a Cancer does not make this an easy path. I live on Romantic thoughts. I get caught up so easily in the moment, I make rash decisions and then I allow myself to suffer when they never turn out as I hoped they would (but knew they never would?)

Logic isn't my best asset. I grew up in the woods playing in imaginary worlds. When that time to stop playing came, I kept the imagination, I kept the fantasies and the refusal to believe that things just are.

So I have this innocence in me that people still see. I have a vulnerability that is dangerous. My honesty is always there. I've always been a loner, but I was raised in Upstate Suburbia. We pair off, it's what we do up there. Then to grow up with a heterosexual code of conduct, that doesn't necessarily live in the homosexual world. Even the happy couples are all inviting a third into the bedroom nowadays. Perhaps, I need to be around as that third? If I'm paired off who else would they call?

That is to simple in actuality, the issues I'm wrestling with are filled with contradictions and that's why it's difficult to articulate.

Then there are my sexual urges. My roommate reminded me that I haven't stopped having sex. I know this, but I have cut it down considerably. When I get frustrated, I get horny. It's so interesting. We all have things that we do that are unhealthy when we are depressed. Some people drink, others cut themselves and I have sex with people. Do I want to say right off that bat, this is completely unhealthy? Not really. Sex is sex is sex is sex.

See therein lies the problem. I know how to have/get/look for sex. Without that curiosity to drive it, dating is no fun. I find that the people I am sexually attracted to, aren't the people I'd like to date. This works in reverse too. Maybe I'm not making sense in all this, but I never was one for sense.

In short, I don't want to be in a relationship. And though I will get upset if a person I am fucking reminds me that they are dating someone. It will make me feel lonely, this is true. I would feel equally lonely with the mind games that people play anyway. I'm living the unorthodox path and like any Vegan is aware: It's not an easy one. One day perhaps it will all just click, probably on my deathbed, and I'll know how to make it all work.

I am taking steps to figure things out. I will make excuses like everyone else, but I will be aware of them. The heart is a lonely hunter. Truly it is.

I need to dispel any thoughts of dating. If I fuck someone, I am fucking them. No matter how much we flirt or kiss or cuddle. As well as I have the right to say, "I don't want to talk about who you're dating. We're having sex and I just don't feel comfortable in giving relationship advice." And feel justified in saying that.

Getting a dog seems so much easier. I think I'll start looking into that path of life. A Boy and his Dog.

An Actual Post

Tomorrow is the last day of my internship. How did three months fly by? Well 2³/4 months fly by without my realizing it. As usual I did expect this. There was June, which was filled with with perpetual worry and acrewing my list of things to complain about for the remainder of the summer. Then there was July, birthday, moving and boredom sum up that month. Lastly, now is August and I am about 13 days away until the semester. There was Katherine Hepburn. I suppose this was the summer Iguana met Hepburn. Checkmate indeed!

What has become of this summer? I ask you? I've done much, but so little. I moved, I aged, I crawled out of depression. Okay those are some accomplishments. I've also been stupid and wraith-like at times. Those moments don't need to be relived, they are on file. Reading Long Day's Journey has totally made me realize what I am like when I've been hopped on illegal substances. I think about it, shrug and keep it on file as well.

Mary Tyrone is fascinating, as is Violet from August: Osage County. Two ladies who can't break the habit. Yet, because one was written in 1940 and the other in the 2007. The results are startling similar. My favorite part in A:OC goes something much to the vain that she got clean off drugs, then went back because she liked the world better that way. While Mary apparently has the same feelings, but because every one's to polite to ask. She spends most of the play pretending she's not even doped up on Morphine.

It's not an easy task being fascinated with depression. And no, I haven't found an answer in these characters. I just can understand the point you can get caught into, that you would delve into an altered reality when you face the mundane.

What are years? What is time? It's just a tunnel from one event to the next. There are in between moments, but they're repetitious. You see people, you get to know them. They repeat themselves. You go to work the same time everyday. You sit in the same cubicle. You go to the same place for lunch. You come home and start over once the alarm clock goes off again.

I had these feelings years ago when I read A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham. There's a chapter where Bobby [I think his name was] suddenly jumps seven years because he's sort of given up. I was amazed how Cunningham chose to skip seven years of a character's life. While the others he skipped less.

It was a moment though where I realized that seven years can go by, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sure you're seven years older [30, if I started now]. Life still goes on. You've stalled, but the world has continued to turn.

Now, years later, when my life has taken a turn. A sharp left on a road that was normally straight forward and only a couple of rights every now and then. I want to just be stationary for a while. I want to standstill and breath. I want to openly cry.

Tonight I danced around in my living room with Elizabeth. She watched me play PS2 and then we put on the video I posted before this. And I sang out of key and did my best Annie Golden impersonation. I laughed until I couldn't breath, I made a lean cuisine. Stationary!

What is this? I'm not 10, I'm not just getting used to this. How does one sort out these thoughts correctly? I know at the end of the day I'll still be odd and off. I'll still be loud and awkward. Those are scars of the last 2.5 years. Right now though, I am entering a place I haven't been allowed into. I'm still lost as all hell, but this is a good resting point for the time being.

An Intermission.

I've been missing for several days on purpose. I have chosen not to do pictures-a-day or anything along those lines. I'm trying to figure things out and basically I'm just tired a lot.

Forgive me, you four people out there in the dark. I just am going through some changes.

I'm reading Kate: The Woman Who Was Hepburn and allowing a new obsession to evolve. I'm still adjusting to 9-5 jobs and how I'm going to have to "shift" my schedule to get used to it.

Also, the whole moving thing has brought me down in energy. Though for some reason my roommate told me I could wait until the end of July. Which ultimately brings me back to the original plan. So that's okay, but moving still depresses me.

I'll return I am sure.

Trying for Depth

I'm gonna try and be deep right now. Well as deep as I can be, which I'm sure is like a small koi pond. I suppose I'll start this post with a poem, as I am sure all deep thinkers do. They begin their thoughts with an opening act:

Oh, Oh, You Will Be
Sorry for that Choice—Redux
By E.Iguana

Oh, oh, you will be sorry for that choice!
Take a moment to fathom what went wrong.
Was it my mouth or my movements that,
Offended you firsthand?
"Oh but I still wish to remain friends!"
Seriously,is that the game you wish to play?
Trying to become the better man,
And I'm supposed to sit here and smile because
You wish to preserve a friendship!
Oh, I will love you still, and all of that,
I will be your pal; granting this wish you request.
I shall be called a close friend and,
Will live up to the title to the nth degree;
You will not see any jealousy of me,
Because I am playing the role a trusty comrade does.
But some insane day, your life has turned
Upside down and inside out.
I shall be waiting and with open arms,
And with my comfort, I shall feel vindicated!

So that's me being angstyish and deep. My Koi pond has pebbles. So onto real issues...

The technical rehearsal for my play didn't take long and wasn't half as painful as I expected. That's because they gave me stuff to do on the light board. Which was an amazing experience! I love wardrobe, yet it was nice to actually be part of the show. "Cue 2...go!" How thrilling to feel that surge through my body as I pushed the button and saw the lights change. And since I like pushing buttons, I was as happy as a monkey.

Then thoughts have been coming and going through my head. I was thinking of meeting up with The Gentleman Caller. Now I'm not one for the dramatics. My life is very boring, I just make it exciting. When I think about this impending meeting I am filled with frustration and anger I know I may do something ridiculous. In my mind I want to slap him, and I am convinced I will feel justified. Someone said, "You won't really do it." Which I agree 95% of the time people don't feel that passionate.

Yet, I think about these discussion items I want to bring up: How dare you pretend we haven't not spoken in 6 months and want to pick up where you left off! How dare you play these mind games with a 22-year-old and never hone up to the responsibilities being the mature 30-year-old that you are! How dare you lead me on for over a year and never wish to bring it out into the open and when I finally was honest with you, you play it off as nothing! Add in how he has a personality disorder and then make him pay for dinner.

I'm not looking to make another friend. The way you treated me shows that you aren't really looking for a friend either.

Wow, typing that out has left me breathless.

The new issue is of my person. I'm trying to figure out what I want, who I am and who I want to become. This all in all is a very trying business on one's emotions. So for the time being I've sworn off sexual encounters with men. This may not seem like the wrong choice, but I'm afraid that I will eventually fear sex. The whole idea that -- I will either separate or give to much liberty to the Romantic Era that seems to have taken refuge in my body. Plus to learn who you are, I do believe that you need human contact in the naked sense. It's how to learn about yourself. So that's what I need to figure out.

So I think that's enough deep thoughts for now. I don't want to O.D.