My Own On the Road

"I dance because I love dancing and I love men."

Jeffery Marx tells the story of New Orleans better than I could ever do it.

I feel like I'm reading a novel.

Ambien

My doctor didn't give me anti-anxiety pills because, "The world is going mad. It's not you."

Touche, this is true doctor. Then Cesar, my blood technician gave me a pep talk on life. Telling me to live my life and not to let this disease get me down. How did I fall into this Lifetime movie and who do I have to blow to stay here?

I am giving the world karma and taking back it in equal thrusts! I am trying my best. I want a job, I can get a job and I will try. Soon I'll be graduated from college. I'm cooking eggs! These are all steps in some direction.

I have news and I want you to all gather around. I have finally taken that leap and signed up for a support group. This is a big step in a good direction! Am I at a point where I want to get to know myself better? To reenter the Gay Race, with people who are in the same boat? It's terrifying.

It's starts sometime in January and that means it'll have been almost a year when I start this group. The group is for the Newly Diagnosed. It's a three month long group and you have to go to an intake session beforehand. Where they ask you a bunch of personal questions so they know what kind of person is joining. I plan on being as honest as I can be.

I signed up and wondered if it's been almost a year, am I still considered newly diagnosed? Will I be with a bunch of people who just found out? Were people that in control when they first found out? How is that possible? They just knew they wanted help?

It's all so odd, I begin to feel guilty for not acting sooner. Like why didn't my "flight" sense go off and I drop everything and seek help when I first had my breakdown. When The Tall Man dropped me?

Nerves would be one reason. I was (still am) a mess, I was scared and depressed. Another reason would be time. I was working and going to class and I found those two tasks tiring enough. The idea of entering a new comfort zone was non-existent. I had no comfort zones at that time.

Which is a reason I want to join it. I want to learn to trust again. I want to know that I can feel normal in my own skin. That I can feel normal with people like me. I want to know what other people are going through.

Oh, my head is so light just from thinking of this. I get nervous that January won't come fast enough. They gave me numbers to other places like GMHC and Greenwich House. And I need to wait for the play to finish before I can think of calling. Making this appointment was probably calculated because it gives me time to back out! But I won't! Someone, Mark my words.

I hope by that time I will have some sort of job. So life won't be that dismal. One step at a time, it's a long and slippery ride. These little steps have only helped me realize how far I am coming and how well I have it together.

The last point of news for the night is I realized that since 2004 I have continually been keeping a blog of my life in New York City. I have begun archiving them. Call it vanity, but I recently have sat down and thought, "I don't remember certain memories. It seems so blurry. Maybe it's how quickly it's moving. Or perhaps it's the drugs? Or it could be that I am choosing to forget!"

I can't deny it anymore. Counting my old blog before this one. Starting on July 12th 2004 (before I moved) have been constantly keeping a log of my life. Emotionally, not for show like blogs nowadays. That pretend they are about the human experience. Instead they are about the latest Mac Product being release. How can you look back at that and feel like your life was at all interesting?

It'll be scary to remember, to relive and to reread these entries in sequence. I will see the ups and I will see the downs. Perhaps I'll remember what I was really thinking when I wrote this. What substance was I abusing when I seems so blatantly upbeat here? Was I really happy, or just projection an image I wanted the inter web to perceive.

It's going to be a long journey, but I intend on taking it in stride. It can't ruin anything that's not already ruined. Don't you agree?

Pandora's Box

I will never look at a someecard the same ever again. Last week, in humor, when I dropped the news to my date that I was in a delicate way. I decided to be show how humorous I can be by doing it through a someecard. He got his revenge, I suppose, but in a less serious way that I did.

I opened his someecard to find that he has found this blog. In the words of Ms. Piaf: Non, je ne regrette rien. I appreciated his honesty and basically was won over when I read the body of the message:

I like knowing that under your occasionally dizzy exterior theres an articulate, self-aware writer with an eloquent command of the language and a powerful desire to know himself and make sense of the world around him. The combination of goofy twink and thoughtful artist is oh, so endearing.

Can I quote this regularly? I feel like I want this written on two things. My resume and my tombstone. Except when I quote it I may mistake my date with the NY Times. As I said, there is a third date to be had tonight. His sobriquet hasn't been worked out yet, but I have ideas I'm working out in my head.

In other news I have finally discovered Pandora. As usual I am three hundred years behind everyone else. The Music Genome Project? Really? How stunning that I put in one artist and it just works out all the kinks of who I may also like. This will greatly help the improvement of my music knowledge outside of Musical Theater. Like Etta James...

Lady, where have you been my whole life?

Now if I could just figure out the back button?

It's All In Your Head

I'm an elitist. I write and apparently come off as an asshole. I comment on other people's blogs and they attack back. And for a moment I ask myself: Am I really that awful when I write? Do I come off as that pretentious? That I'm intentionally trying to piss someone off?

Then a friend, yes a friend, which is my first clue that I'm not that bad. I have friends. A friend simply said:

best not to care what others think, be you and the people who get it get it and eff the people who don't because isn't it their loss in the long run?

Brilliant. And like that I don't care anymore. I even did a big thing, that I normally wouldn't do in the past. I didn't read the last comment that this alleged blogger sent me. Therefore in my mind, I got the last word.

I am an Elitist.

In other news I finished a play recently I would like to discuss for a moment:

The Baltimore Waltz by Paula Vogel — A play written in 1992 about a woman who gets ATD (Acquired Toilet Disease) and is extremely deadly. So she travels to Europe in a dreamlike fantasy, seeing the world and fucking her brains out before she dies. A brilliant reactionary piece to the AIDS epidemic from a Lesbian woman's point-of-view (Vogel is a Lesbian, but her lead is straight). The ending is heart wrenching, but I enjoyed it. I would have loved to seen Cherry Jones play the lead, but alas I won't.

Some of my favorite quotes:

ANNA: When you're a much older man, and you've loved many women, you'll be a wonderful lover if you're just a little bit nervous...like you are right now. Because it will always be the first time.

or;

ANNA: In lovemaking, he's all fury and heat. His North Sea pounding against your Dreamer. And when you look up and see his face, red and huffing, it's hard to imagine him ever having been a newborn, tiny, wrinkled and seven pounds.

That is, until afterwards. When he rises from sleep and he walks into the bathroom. And there he exposes his soft little derriere, and you can still see the soft baby flesh.

and;

THE THIRD MAN: Unbeknownst to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, there is a Seventh Stage for the dying. There is a growing urger to fight the sickness of the body with the health of the body. The Seventh Stage: Lust.

New Look – Blogger's Way

You'll notice we have a new face on the Blogger side of my Blog. For those of you read in Livejournal are going to be sorely disappointed for all your missing. But if you wish to see what you're missing just click here to see it.

Funny little note

So I've been blogging for about 7/8 years now. And I realize today (granted I did have several blogs of my past) Blondie_Boi, MinusThePurity, TentaclePorn, etc, etc and so forth. 8 years and right now according to my friend's list I have like 25 people who "read" it.

This makes me laugh for the soul reason that...well I guess I'm not interesting. Just in case you're wondering, this isn't a plea for compliments (though they would be nice and appreciated). I just find it funny that I don't have a huge fan base as some people so strive for. I've always been nonchalant if people read my blog or not. Nor do I care.

Many of you may know of the certain incidents that have happened when people DID read my blog. Like threats in the library and comment "fights" because I'm a stereotypical asshole.

To make myself feel better I'll smoke pot and sleep with the Tall Man tonight.Yes, that will take the edge off, I can say one thing about this Tall Man is that well he's a much nicer than The Gentleman Caller ever was to me. Oh did I go there?

Whatever happened to The GC you ask? Well for those of you who missed it, he cut off most communication towards me and I took that as a sign that he wanted really nothing to do with me. Surprisingly, I haven't really regretted it since. I mean I do miss him, he was a nice friend and great lover, it was all the OTHER stuff I couldn't deal with.

And another thing, while we're on the subject. The Cyclist is gone too from my life I am pretty sure. I'm kind of glad I have been doing this purging from my life!!

Plus I got a makeshift haircut...perhaps pictures. My new goal is to grow my hair out who knows how long :)