Ambien

My doctor didn't give me anti-anxiety pills because, "The world is going mad. It's not you."

Touche, this is true doctor. Then Cesar, my blood technician gave me a pep talk on life. Telling me to live my life and not to let this disease get me down. How did I fall into this Lifetime movie and who do I have to blow to stay here?

I am giving the world karma and taking back it in equal thrusts! I am trying my best. I want a job, I can get a job and I will try. Soon I'll be graduated from college. I'm cooking eggs! These are all steps in some direction.

I have news and I want you to all gather around. I have finally taken that leap and signed up for a support group. This is a big step in a good direction! Am I at a point where I want to get to know myself better? To reenter the Gay Race, with people who are in the same boat? It's terrifying.

It's starts sometime in January and that means it'll have been almost a year when I start this group. The group is for the Newly Diagnosed. It's a three month long group and you have to go to an intake session beforehand. Where they ask you a bunch of personal questions so they know what kind of person is joining. I plan on being as honest as I can be.

I signed up and wondered if it's been almost a year, am I still considered newly diagnosed? Will I be with a bunch of people who just found out? Were people that in control when they first found out? How is that possible? They just knew they wanted help?

It's all so odd, I begin to feel guilty for not acting sooner. Like why didn't my "flight" sense go off and I drop everything and seek help when I first had my breakdown. When The Tall Man dropped me?

Nerves would be one reason. I was (still am) a mess, I was scared and depressed. Another reason would be time. I was working and going to class and I found those two tasks tiring enough. The idea of entering a new comfort zone was non-existent. I had no comfort zones at that time.

Which is a reason I want to join it. I want to learn to trust again. I want to know that I can feel normal in my own skin. That I can feel normal with people like me. I want to know what other people are going through.

Oh, my head is so light just from thinking of this. I get nervous that January won't come fast enough. They gave me numbers to other places like GMHC and Greenwich House. And I need to wait for the play to finish before I can think of calling. Making this appointment was probably calculated because it gives me time to back out! But I won't! Someone, Mark my words.

I hope by that time I will have some sort of job. So life won't be that dismal. One step at a time, it's a long and slippery ride. These little steps have only helped me realize how far I am coming and how well I have it together.

The last point of news for the night is I realized that since 2004 I have continually been keeping a blog of my life in New York City. I have begun archiving them. Call it vanity, but I recently have sat down and thought, "I don't remember certain memories. It seems so blurry. Maybe it's how quickly it's moving. Or perhaps it's the drugs? Or it could be that I am choosing to forget!"

I can't deny it anymore. Counting my old blog before this one. Starting on July 12th 2004 (before I moved) have been constantly keeping a log of my life. Emotionally, not for show like blogs nowadays. That pretend they are about the human experience. Instead they are about the latest Mac Product being release. How can you look back at that and feel like your life was at all interesting?

It'll be scary to remember, to relive and to reread these entries in sequence. I will see the ups and I will see the downs. Perhaps I'll remember what I was really thinking when I wrote this. What substance was I abusing when I seems so blatantly upbeat here? Was I really happy, or just projection an image I wanted the inter web to perceive.

It's going to be a long journey, but I intend on taking it in stride. It can't ruin anything that's not already ruined. Don't you agree?