Hanging On By a Thread

There are good times and there are down times. There are the high times and small times. This is the time of year where everything dies. Where seasonal depression is created and pushed onto people. Where the pressure for holiday spirit is around, but you really do not feel it.

I got a call from my job, well the job I've spent the last month interviewing for. The homo-receptionist called to let me know they would hire me. Yet, the union is pressuring the office to hire someone in their Union. So I'm in limbo. I was accepted and rejected in the same breath. There is hope, but it will take time. With the possibility that I may lose out, cause a union is pressure and loyal. . .in difficult times. In these oh so difficult times.

Then in the same breath, I went to my fair hearing yesterday. Iguana took the stand to fight for his right to not pay $2,004 dollars. That he allegedly owed the government from one month of working. I made a time line printed out and was planning my speech in the waiting room. 2 hours of waiting, being the last white boy in an office filled with the poorest of the poor. I watched a man dry out a huge stack of newspapers on the bench. I could only guess they were his bedsheets or he was going to recycle them for money. I could only wonder.

To hours of waiting for 5 minutes of actual action. I sit down and take out my time line. Across from me sits a black woman, who once again can barely speak English. The judge turns on his phone and begins speaking legal jargon. I'm taking in the scene and wondering if I should cry or not. Do the poor black women with head wraps sit in this chair acting humble or yelling out, "I let him suck my titty so he'd love me!"

Then the judge informed me that a notice had been sent from the office telling them to ignore the existence of the $2,004 debt notice. A wash. A complete wipe. Months of worry and anticipation for one sentence. I danced out of the room and performed my best rendition of Singing in the Rain. We must celebrate the good moments.

Tis The Season

To cry in a CVS. After your dad successfully reminds you what an irresponsible person you are. Just cause you went to go see Milk twice.

Happy holidays.

The longing to touch, to be touched...

I'm watching Little Children. I'm enjoying it enough. Patrick Wilson is gorgeous, dreamlike beautiful. Someone I'd dream of and wake up the next morning with a smile on my face. Plus Kate Winslet is genius...And I just watched them having sex and saw Patrick's ass. I am set for the day.

Patrick: What does Richard [her husband] do for himself?
Kate: Lies...

As stated last night, I'm suffering from the Christmas Blues. Slight loneliness, followed by frustration. I mean, as I said last night. It'll pass. I just hate the feeling sometimes, as all of us do. The one thing I get sick of is uncertainty. Sure I'm able to feel comfortable with the Tall Man...or some other guy. For one day, [possibly one day a week as it has been]. Then after that the rest is thrown to the wind.

I am trying to grow more comfortable with independent monogamy. I made that phrase up, can you tell? Something along the lines of meeting someone I can feel great with, but then go for days or weeks at a time living my own life. No hassle to really worry about, but to know they are there and want to be with me.

This is why I sometimes content myself with being a spinster. As the urban dictionary puts it though, a male spinster is a Ginnywoman...uh what? I'm digressing. I am like a spinster by way of Summer & Smoke and The Eccentricities of a Nightingale. I can do the sex, very well. Yet, when I get close to possibility of relationships I turn afraid because they can't be morphed into what my mind wants them to be.

So I find the ones that want emotional distance and I play my games based off of it. I'm one loopy case though, I know that much.

Hard Candy Christmas

Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair. Maybe I'll move somewhere? Maybe I'll get a car, maybe I'll drive so far, they'll all lose track? Maybe I'll sleep real late. Maybe I'll lose some weight. Maybe I'll clear my junk?

Me? I'll be just fine and dandy. I'm barely getting through tomorrow, still I can't let sorrow bring me way down. Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew. Maybe I'll just lie low. Maybe I'll hit the bars? Maybe I'll count the stars, until the dawn.

Maybe I'll settle down. Maybe I'll just leave town. Maybe I'll have some fun, maybe I'll meet someone and make him mine?

Some of us work out our issues out differently, okay?