Why Do The Wrong People Travel? – An Essay of the Soul

This weekend has been an odd one. It's been filled with white lies and little stresses that have left me feeling tired and overwhelmed. I feel pulled in all different directions and wish to be pulled in simply one direction at a time.

The support group has brought an interesting cast of characters into my life, but sometimes I'm left wondering: Where did the original cast go? I used to have people who I saw on a daily basis, but not these days. It seems they recast my life while I was not looking.

I had a social panic this weekend. I was asked to do so many things and in my Cancerous way I retreated into my shell. I feel bad for my lack of interest in certain events and I feel even worse for my inability to care for people's emotions.

I see the telltale signs of my karma coming back at me. I needed to comfort a dear and close friend, more than I needed to make new ones. That's my reasoning and I will stick to it until the day I die. In return the ShyGuy has blown me off for dinner once and I'm only waiting until April 1st, when I will break apart completely.

This weekend has been a reminder of how I need to be careful with my emotions. I am a delightful person to be around, this much is true, but if you try and force me into a corner. I swear I will scratch and lie until people back off.

In the coming months I will be expected to perform all sorts of fantastic feats and without my roommate by my side. Instead, I will have a stranger living under my roof and I am wary. I will welcome him into the apartment with open arms, but he already has his own agenda. So I may just be a bookmark in his life.

I have two more group sessions left. Which is slightly terrifying. Soon there will be no more Monday night commitments. Hopefully it will be replaced with a job. Hopefully.

Cover All The Mirrors

The movie is through [If they had been paying me, I'd be sad]. I'm jobless [but looking]. I'm losing my health insurance [but trying to find a new one]. I am having problems with filing graduation [but speaking to the powers that be so I will graduate]. I am running out of Ambien [but that may be a good thing]. I did my taxes and owe $705 between Fed and State [but I'm not filing them until I know my way out of that one].

Basically I know what my list of things to do is. I just need to stay motivated and positive to do them.

I want a hug, a long hard hug that's filled with care and concern. That's all I ask for.

The Way I See It

Listen, it's all I can do to not jump on you. We really need to set aside some time one night this week for some carnage. -- Text Message

I'm feeling very tense, like the week ahead is already overwhelming. It's just movie, social and other business like that. Nothing seriously, so why feel tense? Maybe because there is a lack of the "serious" matters at hand. I have plenty, but I just put them behind me.

Today on the way to school. I saw the same man who I saw weeks ago who smiled at me on the train ride home. He looked at me once and didn't recognize me, perhaps cause it was before 9 AM and he was tired. I looked the same, he looked different. His lack of recognition upset my balance. Ah, well. Our third encounter will be charming, I am sure.

Tonight, I return to group. It's been a week hiatus and was there ever a week I needed group more it was last week. I am here, left to my own devices and what do I do? Well, I'm still here and that is enough.

Kathy Griffin was funny. I saw her live, did I fail to mention that? Well, I did. I lived a gay man's wet dream. What was funnier was this text I got on my way home. I don't try, I did nothing to get it except be myself. I will feel no blame.

The Week I Have Known About For a Year

It's here, the week that I haven't looked forward to for a year. It's hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know if there's a way to explain myself. I am going to write and if it comes out in a way that makes sense. I shall be content at that.

It's a day. February 20th is a day. There is the stresses of life. The movie, college, love, unemployment and the future. There are the stresses of the year. Health, blood, loneliness, depression and the struggle to find a balance in it all.

I woke up yesterday morning. A Monday. As usual I felt tense and unsure. I did not want to go to the movie set because that's an unnecessary stress. An added worry. I feel like I'm shirking responsibility. I haven't been there today either. I will return tomorrow, but it leaves me terrified. Just being there. I will not quit and only a few weeks until it's all through. Then it will be complete.

I will hope that in that time I can gather strength to continue on with it. How do you explain to people that you just can't deal with it? I feel the need to be alone, but when I'm alone I feel like I want company.

Recently, I've just felt like the awareness of my situation is not helping. Tonight I made dinner. I am cooking full meals. Something a year ago I could never do. I made dinner for my roommate and a member from group. He says he doesn't think about his status. I suddenly felt like a child babbling about something I didn't understand. I just talk out of nervousness, I'm a scared person.

How can I get to this point where it's a non-issue. I'm not trying to be a martyr, it's just always there. When can I get to the point where it's like an unseemly birthmark? It's there, but I've learned to live with it.

My Mark of Caine returned because I have blood taken. Looking at a bruise on my arm can open a door. Thinking of a stupid date can do these things too.

Just ignore it then! It's a day, it was no different than two February's ago. Or four February's ago, except for the fact it is.

Sometimes I just want to be held until I can't breath and I'm forced to either scream or cry. Yet, the person will not let go until I have exhausted my emotions to the point of breaking. I want to sit there and scream.

I want therapy. I will get therapy. The anxiety that comes from simple tasks like calling and finding out information. The clarity of my mind says to do is ASAP, but the fogginess says to hold off.

I want to be a defined person. No more dramatic events, no more worrisome nights. No more loneliness. I know what I want to do it and sometimes I'm tired of just trying. Always pushing. There's always another step, there's always the advice, the offers and suggestions.

I'm going to sleep and keeping it in mind that when I wake. I will be better. I will feel better.

The Great Work Has Begun

Finals, finals, finals. I'm jobless. I'm tired. Blah blah blah. I think I'm dependent on Ambien. I have finished most of my projects, but what of the tests? Blah blah blah. I am reading Angels and Demons, I feel so common. That book is like an amusement park ride, I don't need to do any work. I got the crappiest gift in the White Elephant Gift Exchange. Cause someone did not want to get a crappy gift, I took it. I don't really care. Blah blah blah. In five days I'll be upstate for ten days. In fifteen days, I'll be back in the city looking for jobs. Blah blah blah. Will anyone hire me? Where do I want to work? I have class, though it seems pointless to go cause one of my teachers a crazed bitch who sued Jonathan Larson, after his death, I might add. Blah blah blah. I will be driving a rent-a-car when I get home, is that even allowed? What does the future hold? Where will I be in years to come? Will I make it to the end of all this? Yes, I know I will.

Tis The Season

To cry in a CVS. After your dad successfully reminds you what an irresponsible person you are. Just cause you went to go see Milk twice.

Happy holidays.

Long Day's Journey

My wardrobe gig started. I performed the last 24 hours for my roommate in the kitchen tonight. It was a one man act of perfection. Unfortunately, I'm now to tired to live it here. I'm sleepy and focusing on finals. I'm choosing my moments as if I'm playing Chess.

During stressful times, all I want to hear is vocalists. Powerful singers keep me going.

I am going to reacquaint myself with Oz. IF you'll excuse me...

Oh, one last thing. Last night a girl called me brave when I showed her my Halloween photos. She's southern so that's probably the polite version of stupid. I was a little touched and I stopped and replied, "Thank you, no one ever called it that before."

I need to stop reading so much Eugene O'Neill.

Overbooked?

It's 4 AM. Finals are my life. I haven't consistently been to the gym in over a week. I feel my eyes constantly tearing up.

I am more messy than I have ever been. It's finals time, I am like a hurricane, destroying all in my wake. I designed a set today while listening to Shirley Bassey for hours on end. After three hours of her nonstop, I realized something was wrong and switched to Rilo Kiley.

Then I worked wardrobe for a TV Pilot that will not take off. If it did, then I would be amazed. It's experience and interesting. I am going to bed soon because low and behold we have to get up and be there again at 1 PM to[day]morrow. Luckily, it's down the street, which makes me happy. Unfortunately I won't have time for the gym...as far as I know I'm not waking up to go in the morning.

I miss the gym, I miss the gym. I miss the gym! I want to run again. Oh, Ambien, you kick in so quickly. I am going to lay down.

I am going to try and appear coherent for the next couple of weeks. I will fail often, almost more than often. I'm waiting for little things to make me happy.

For example. I've been promised a ticket to see Liza at the Palace from my roommate. I'm waiting for when it will appear. With finals I fear that may be a promise that just may not happen. Or, I am waiting for the Support Group to contact me about an intake session. Yet, no one has called. It's made me nervous. I should call back, but I'm so busy I forget.

It's still 4 AM.

Then there's me, waiting, for the grace of God to show up. I am waiting for my body to change and tell me it's okay to smile again. It's okay to clean up the room and get a job again. It's okay, you're worth something these days.

The computer screen is starting to move slowly in my drugged up eyes. So I'll end this quickly. I am in a state of emotional stress. Oh, but I know we all are. So in my defense, just be understanding and be polite.

Take a moment in your life to tell someone you know that you love them. Or give someone a gift. Or reconnected with a new person and show them you care too. Don't allow others to feel as lonely as you yourself have become.

Everything is swirly right now

Oh, finals times. How strangely written you are.

Endings and Beginnings

I am home from New Orleans.

I am working on that tale. Now begins the final three weeks of insanity that teachers like to pretend is "normal". The projects, on top of tests, on top of presentations, on top of first and final drafts, on top of biology labs, on top of scheduling for classes.

It is hell these next few weeks. I will be living off the money I don't have anymore. I will be doing final projects until I bleed. And I WILL bleed, trust me.

I am exhausted and I need to sleep. Tomorrow is the beginning of a marathon I don't wish to run in. Finals have never been my forte, but finals without financial stability is even worse.

I am taking an Ambien, falling into a sleepless haze and hoping that all the answers come to me in a grand dream.

I will return in full mind.

To Anyone Who Has Gone To College

To Anyone Who Has Gone To College:

What the fuck? I start off by asking you a simple and plain statement. What the fuck? I was led to believe that college would be the carefree years of my life. That I wouldn't have to worry about real issues until I had graduated. Whoever told me, told us, these things, lied.

Perhaps it's because I went to school in New York City. I exposed myself to soon, I became to involved. Whenever, I sit back and think about my life, it's a wonder to even myself how I did it. I didn't get four years in the middle of nowhere. It's just been on continuous journey. The friends I have now, I will not lose once I graduate. I will be in the same place I am once I graduate. I will need to find a job and see what happens from there.

There was only two years of dorm life, and two years of unadjusted "real life" living. I still get motion sickness when I think about those days. In June, there will be no packing up. There won't be any graduation parties or Senior Formals. It'll be working for a diploma and a continuation of a program already in process.

So I ask you, I ask you people who have gone to college. What the fuck? I am told all the time, "Stay in school! Stay as long as you can!"

Seriously? For real? I can't even get a loan to live comfortably. Perhaps when you went to school in the mid-90s, when they were giving out loans left and right, yes it was an easy life! I want to work with my wardrobe shop, but my college has deemed that I cant' do that by not allowing me the proper loans, because my parents are rich. It's an eternal paradox I can't seem to grasp my head around.

Oh, the complaints go on and on and on. I am okay, it's just one small thing amongst many other things.

I want normalcy. I would like some regularity, a source of income. No part time work, but focusing on a future. Call me old fashioned. I don't want AWOL apartment situations, scabies or sadness. I don't want insecurity and confusion all the time. I would like a little order. God, I am trying for order.

To those who have gone to college. Was I to hasty in my decision to come to the city? Did I cheat myself out of some experience later in life? If I had gone to school in a smaller town and learned life's lessons in simpler ways, then moved here and understood it all, would it have been easier at all?

Alas, worrying about the past cannot happen. It promotes nothing! You lived as you have lived and there's nothing that can change it! No time machine, no magic incantation, nothing!

Tonight I had dinner with a guy my age, but with less knowledge of life than I. In the ways of life, as it were. He's a sweet person to have around and makes me smile. We listened to music and I cooked for him. I told him things and he actually enjoyed hearing them.

I am in love with the idea of this guy, but I know he is far outside of my reach. I could never appreciate his naivety to it's fullest extent, I would always be tainting it somehow. He enjoys my company though, I make him laugh. I refresh him, or so he tells me.

He's so innocent and young. How am I refreshing? My character is refreshing? I sometimes don't understand what people mean? I don't view my life in terms of comedy, I see it terms of struggle more or less. When you laugh at my life, I see it for a moment as refreshing. I am making someone smile, for a moment. Then I see it only as sadness. My struggle is startling enough to make people chuckle? I don't remember laughing when I was bleeding from all that scratching. There was no fit of giggles that came when I was trapped in a sling? I wish I had heard the applause when I was packing my suitcase and being kicked out of my apartment.

Oh I am losing my point. I am tired and beginning to feel weak. This was just a moment to vent. It's confusion and not in a particular kind of order.

I have finished reading, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Wings. We're moving onto On The Road. I need to read/listen to happier things.

In short. To anyone who has gone to college. What the fuck?

A Monday Completed.

A Monday Completed
A Poem

Marc: you there man?

me: hey

who is this?

Marc: would love to see that big cock of yours on cam...

marc

me: haha Marc who?

do I know you

Marc: 10" dick that you wanted back in the summer.

we've never met

but you said,

me: Oh okay yes

Marc: I love the idea of tackling something that big. I'm really turned on by that right now. I decided I'm to tired for the gym. So I'm gonna crawl into bed. When are you free.

and i quote.

me: It's coming back. Sorry I'm in the middle of building a coffee table right now. I'm not that horny either. Try again another time

Marc:

haha

alright

me: yes, yes. That was me in my dirty mind. woof. But tonight. Not so much right now.

It was a valiant gesture on his part. Bravo, dear sir.

Other than that, I am stressed out a little. I will be working soon. I'm tired, I wish to sleep.

A Paper Bag Over My Head

I was upset so I sat in my room with a paper bag over my head. Inside the paper bag I looked around, felt cramped and absurd. If someone could see me the would probably break out in laughter. So in my stress I broke out in tears.

Realist, let's be real right now! In less than two weeks I am going to New Orleans, I feel like such a world traveler. I will watch my wallet, but I intend to enjoy myself. I can do this, I think.

The job search. When does it happen, I have a couple of lame options. They're options though.

I finished reading The Beautiful Room Is Empty. Very good novel, so earnest and sincere.

I have been feeling sad recently, it's a tough feeling to fight. It's fall and things are changing. We are trying new things (ie: Paper Bag on head) and seeing different results (ie: Tears).

This weekend is dedicated to homework. Model building, studying, outlining, drafting, etc. Just need to get through this semester and it'll be okay. It'll be okay.

Lost It Today

Today was a rainy day in San Francisco. At one point the fog swallowed the landscape completely, the view was ruined and nothing could be seen.

I decided to check my bank account status. The honeymoon was over. I'm still on vacation, and I will enjoy myself. As I bought some books today and ordered tickets to Alcatraz for tomorrow. I just realized how low my bank account is.

When K returned to the apartment I burst into tears. I wrote myself a postcard. I told myself to stay strong, that these issues are only for now. I reread it aloud to K and was crying by the end of the postcard.

It was expected though, the tears I mean. So much excitement and happiness over the last few days. Then the fog comes in and I turn into an emotional mess. I am realizing that life is here to stay, you can't live in Oz forever. Eventually you'll have to return home.

I sat there crying and fretting. I need a job! There's so much homework to be done! How am I ever going to graduate? Why can't this happiness last? Will the city be grayer when I return?

The last time I felt like I wanted to cry this much was on April 1st. I had to remind myself that the game of life was starting again. I had to make sure I still was alert. It's time for a job, somehow you'll work. Someway you will work. Think and it will become a reality.

Life will always be this way, you have been neglecting your duties as a human being. You've been allowing yourself to much joy. Is that a true fact? Personally I blame my college, which is why I feel like it was so easy to leave it.

I'll return and get my shit together, the memories of San Francisco fresh in my mind. The tears have stopped flowing and I have regained my composure.

A Universal Reminder

There will be no sadness in this entry! This week has been slightly intense. It was busy and hectic. With reminders of depression and unhappiness. I remembered the touch of skin and the feel of lips. It made me weak. The season change, full moon, cold weather and being at school all night. They have all played a roll in upsetting my equilibrium.

I wanted to depend on someone again. I wanted to believe that someone out there had my best interests in mind. Someone who does not fully understand who I am or how I work. I often forget that the eccentricities of my mind, are not understood by normal people. Poor, unfortunate, normal souls. The music I can hear, that most can't, sometimes seems worth the trade-off.

I got weak and I began to hate myself again. Just because two men told you they were only interested in fucking you? It's a cruel reminder sometimes and it hurts more than most people can understand. Yet, to most ears, it probably sounds foolish.

The problems with keeping my breath and heartbeat controlled. I get restless, being alone in my room. My roommate being out at the time and the unexpected text message. An offer I could not refuse.

So I returned into the garden. I should not have gone back into the garden, I didn't plan on going back. I feel guilty and a little upset this time, because I was doing so well. I just need a few days to break the after effects off. It'll be difficult, but I've gotten through it before.

Then the days after came. The moment two nights ago when my roommate was upfront and honest with me. I respect that, I take her point into the back of my mind. She has my best interests in mind, of this I can be certain.

Later, I hung out with my friends. I knew that I could hug and swoon and make a fool of myself and not feel judged. Everyone in the room who cared, cared for me and not how I acted.
It's silly to feel tears in those moments, I was content and happy to be in the presence of people who cared for/loved me.

I spent the week with people I couldn't feel close to: The Escort and the people from my school. I felt alone again and that was the downfall. I allowed myself to feel alone again. I'm still not strong enough to be BRAVE all the time. Sometimes, I fall apart and over the silliest things too. Instead of dealing with the issue, I acted out upon it. Not in healthy ways all the time.

The play is through, a chapter has closed. Seven Weeks have gone by without a real notion of passing fully though. When it happened? I'd love to know. Was I even there for it?

Oh, yes, I keep documentation in this thing so I can remember.

No Internet Yet, Just a Hoarse Voice

I took the day off or work to have my internet installed.

As I write I am at work. Something went awry. Very wrong. I spent the early afternoon screaming and not showered.

I am in a haze and internet-less until at LEAST Friday.

Edit: I'm a monster when I get angry. I think it has to do with the sadness that I've been trying to leave behind. I apologize to all those I've yelled at.

Steady, Steady

If I suddenly took control. If I suddenly grabbed the bull by the horns. If I suddenly began plotting and made the conscious decision that never again was I going to let my life slide out of control. Would I be able to do that? People in their later years have no right to tell early younger people to learn to stop worrying or to take life in control.

If I said right now:

I will finish college in 2009. I will graduate. I will move away. I will find a job I enjoy and write plays in the meantime. I will eventually, around 31/32 have a transfer back to NYC where I will have my Broadway premiere. I will be nominated and win a Tony award. I will bask in success and then retire down someday and make the final edits for my anthology that is being published.

In a time of The Secret and positive thinking. Wouldn't that mean this is all possible? I think it's time to take control of the situation.

I Am Trying...

So something came over me the last week or so. It was a feeling to not inform. To not let people know what is going on with me. It's also adjusting to the 9-5 schedule too. I feel like there's no more time in the day.

The gym is more difficult to go to at 6 am, when people always want to do things that go past 11 PM and you don't get home until midnight or later. Writing is difficult too, mornings when I would normally update are now filled with interning things. I've gotten some swell things out of it though. Free things. Like books and tumblers.

Then there is moving. Which luckily has been postponed until the end of July. As originally planned! That's a plus my friends. A big plus. Finding the place and such isn't as easy. I want to find a lease this time and with my friend by my side, we will.

I tend to feel like people expect me to be better because it's been sometime since things have come to pass.

Said even that happened in February has passed. It's now June. Move on.

Huh? Life isn't like a TV show where it's contained into small episodes. Once the 30 minutes is through you move on to the next issue.

You're only 22. You have so much more life to experience. So don't dwell on it.

Who? I do honestly believe there was a small difference in what you were experience when you were 22, than what I am going through now. I'm being selfish of course. When you were hyperventilating over a C- in Biology. How could I ever not see that as a crisis?

I thought a trip to Fire Island would suddenly relieve all my issues. How silly of me. It only showed me how some people are so comfortable in their lives they can go to Fire Island every weekend. Those people aren't me. They are the people I don't even see on this island.

Now the question at hand is:

Is their life the real thing?

or;

Is mine?

I'm sure that's an objective question. All I do know is despite all my trials one day some 20-year-old boy will look at me that way. And when he does, I may not even remember this thought I'm having right now.

Granted I live to 30.

An Apology

I've been an incredibly moody person lately. My tongue and fingers have basically been poisonous razors. I cut to the quick when I'm upset because I don't know what else to do. Being happy in the face of adversity isn't easy.

Having stress from every angle is difficult. I am apologizing and stating that from this moment on I will try to "be better" in my moods and anger. I can't promise anything, but I can say that it's a start.

The Story of the Red Umbrella

The last few days have been upsetting to my emotional state. I am doing what I do best, which is holding up those barriers that get shakier every month. I mean come on people! Each month has posed a new little stress on this wall. And while the barrier can withstand one or two, it can't take a barrage of them! I know it's all relative and it's all on varying degrees. You have the long-term issues. Then you have the short term issues. The story of the Red Umbrella is a mixture of the two.

The red umbrella is the only physical item I have of The Tall Man's. And it's sat in my room for several months since he first let me borrow is on a rainy day. After the beginning of the end I tried to ignore using it. It's strange how physical objects that really are just that, physical. Can be charged with emotional sentiment. I walked in the rain most days after this all happened, I didn't want to give my body reason to gasp and tear up. A little fall of rain won't hurt me now.

Then came the day when it rained so hard that I had no choice but to use it. I'd open it and as if I'd opened a box of mementos I'd become prone to thoughts I don't wish to happen. Yet, in the rain I admired it's way of keeping me completely dry. Talk about metaphors.

So onto the short-term issues. Some people call college the most informative years of your life. I disagree. College has caused me angst, financial nervousness, insomnia and stress. And now it's adding onto that with registration for next year. I don't want to go into issues, but the officials are being rather difficult. In ways they shouldn't necessarily be.

Since I have my past stories of trouble with college authority, I have these moments where I'm like, "Fuck it, I'm done!" I call my mother and scream to her. Not at her, that's very important to take note of. I merely say it to hear it so I can let it mill about in my mind. Then I can remember that it's pointless to stop now because I'll have the rest of my LONG LIFE to not be in college.

I am keeping myself pretty put together these days, but I have moments. Of pure mental release (a break if you will) and I had one yesterday. So after the frustration of registering and that distant thought of going to college for 6 years. I was walking home muttering swears and phrases of anger to no one in particular. I was giving life as it really is free to anyone's ears. I was carrying the red umbrella on a muggy overcast day. Oh and it felt heavy in my hands at that moment, so heavy indeed.

What is this? The third month of these upsetting news items. One after the next. That's all I could think in my head. In this exact moment all three of these issues in my life were together. The tainted liquid in my veins, the registration book in my bag and the umbrella I was holding...

And without warning I just started shouting and slamming the umbrella against a streetlight.

Slamming. Swinging. Shouting. Screaming.

If there was an ending to this story, I'd write it. There is not.

Picture-A-Day #054

This face equals the summation of my day. I will write about it later. It involves registering for classes, graduating, yelling and a red umbrella. Also, I'm writing a Gay Greek tragedy. Which ones weren't that way...I ask you?