First Thing...

Something about my High School Years just clicked...

I need time to figure this one out.

The Plague

I was talking with a friend from high school tonight about life. She called because she feels guilty for jumping into Graduate School to soon. I'm one of the belief that I try to treat friend's problems as if they all equally important. We all develop differently, and if going to Grad School to early is what aches your heart, who am I to disagree?

So I listened and I tried to tell her that she needs to grow and that what she will be doing in ten years won't have any repercussions because you went to Grad School right after college. The world is falling apart, feel glad you'll have gone through it without having to have dealt with real life.

Then she uttered, "I am still a little weirded out with you being...you know?"

To which I responded, "What with my affliction to the plague?" I told her that she needed to realize that what I have isn't some rare disease anymore, that I'm not an imaginary figure somehow come to life. That what I have has been around since before we were born. I do not what to be viewed as some tragic victim. As if the me now, is any less of a person than he was years ago.

Perhaps I am a little less of a person. I still will not just sit around and talk about myself as if I'm some legendary figure. It bothered me more than I figured it would.

This is my life, it's no less normal than yours. We just want to be normal here.

Normal people have issues too.

Normal. Issues.

Jumpin' Jacks is for Stoners

I always forget how gay and loud I am until a moment like last night.

Above you can see a picture of one of the big summer hangouts in my hometown. The ice cream tastes like delicious paste, you can get a sundae for $3.25 and anything you want (I mean anything) can be fried within an inch of it's life. The place is white trash and Grease all rolled up into one.

This is my childhood/Teenage Development right in front of you. We arrived and to my surprise, a couple of high school guys I expected was an entire picnic table of them. Being one of the only homos in my high school I opened a door that was closed until I made everyone aware that Faggots exist everywhere, even in my small backwoods town.

The table consisted of the straight boys who in high school were punks/rockers/emo/anarchists/Best Buy Employee/stoner/Christians/screamo/scene/atheist/artists and yet through their stone cold gazes I felt like the odd man out.

These are boys in high school I could handle (unlike the tricky Jock, but I'm sure nowadays I could definitely handle them too) and we walked up to this table and I realized I could still deal. Yet, I didn't want to and neither did they. And how sad the scene seemed. All of them just hanging out in my sad town. Most of them were done with school and living at home. I approached the table and some feigned an interest is saying hello.

There was no interesting in how I've been and vice versa. There was no talk of high school times. Just me stand while they didn't even ask me to pull up a chair. I stood there with the one friend I'd chosen to bring. Krista, ever faithful Krista.

Recently, I've been spouting out this:

I sometimes regret having spent my early twenties growing up in the City. It's turned me into a crazier person that I think I would've become. I wish that I had moved here when I was in my later twenties and more financially stable.

I am going to take this time to publicly apologize for saying that. Sure I may have many more woes. Sure I may have been going through a rough time. Sure I may be gay and louder than all of the population of my town put together.

Yet, in that moment. To see this table of people who'd just finished school and were now living at home. I wanted to scream:

There may be more of you than myself. You may be able to gracefully give me the cold shoulder because we are past subtleties of high school politeness. But I have lived 10,000 more lives than you have already! I have cried tears and seen things that you can't even fathom. Don't say hello, don't ask me how I am. I will gladly return the favor, but know that you have helped me. You have helped me see what life could have been like. You have reminded me that there are sadder days than my own and they sit at this very picnic table. I see them in your boredom of a life you haven't even started yet. Good luck fuckers.

After that internal monologue, we left. I think it was heard loud and clear.

Good Things Come To Those...

I would be in bed right now, I really would, but I'm waiting for the two William Finn shows that only an entry ago I mentioned and someone is gracefully giving me. I'm forever grateful! Thank you Robbie!

In other news, I signed up for my first therapy session this coming Tuesday. I made that big step and we shall see what happens with that one. Perhaps I'll work through these issues. Do I have issues you ask? I do have issues I suppose, but who doesn't?

Small Sidenote: The Royal Family of Broadway by William Finn is sort of Fabu. Carolee Carmello and Melissa Errico? Can it get better? Yes, Marcia Lewis is with us too.

This play is awful, but I'm getting good little pushes on my homework. I'm doing both wardrobe and calling cues. I'm every woman, it's all in me. And tomorrow morning I plan on running 4.25 miles at the gym.

How do you do it all Iguana? You ask, yet I can't answer. It's difficult to answer. Instead I may just speak randomly. Try and follow me shall you?

Something interesting happened to me this evening...This has never happened...yet it's possible. This is proof that I was once a good and considerate person:

12:27:39 AM Me: Katherine told me you were asking about me
12:27:40 AM Beka: i love how katherine just hooked us up lol
12:27:46 AM Me: how utterly sweet of you
12:27:50 AM Me: no one has ever asked about me
12:28:02 AM Beka: well mark me down as the first :-D
12:28:12 AM Beka: ok but heres why:
12:28:20 AM Me: please do tell
12:28:36 AM Beka: i was thinking today of burnt hills and remembered all the wonderful emails you sent me in 9th grade
12:28:47 AM Beka: even though my parents were crazy and screened everything
12:28:58 AM Me: Oh my goodness
12:29:01 AM Beka: and how you took me under your wing in our theater class
12:29:04 AM Me: that was ages ago
12:29:11 AM Beka: and i was like oh my goodness, craig is a good man
12:29:20 AM Beka: because i was the sheltered little homeschooled girl
12:29:25 AM Me: I can't believe you remember that, cause I barely do
12:29:30 AM Beka: and you saved me from sinking into oblivion
12:29:30 AM Me: Do you still have the emails
12:29:35 AM Me: I did?
12:29:45 AM Beka: um yes
12:29:53 AM Beka: because id go right to class after homeroom
12:29:56 AM Beka: (loser)
12:30:04 AM Beka: and you told me i had to go walk around with you
12:30:06 AM Beka: and i did
12:30:18 AM Beka: therefore saving me from loser status forever and ever
12:30:24 AM Me: awww
12:30:29 AM Me: I wasn't even popular haha
12:30:45 AM Me: is it possible I could read some of these emails cause I want to remember better
12:30:54 AM Me: my email is ________@_____.com
12:31:17 AM Beka: definitely, i have them on my computer at home so i can send them over thanksgiving break

Yea, it's true! The story goes like this. In my Freshman year of High School I took intro to theater and this girl entered named Beka who spent her entire childhood being home schooled and had no friends. I introduced her to the right people and she soon became one of the most popular girls in my school...well not my school, but my social circle.

I can't believe I did that. Who was that boy? I am still in shock it was me. I was once kind an understanding? Now I scramble for affection and friendship like I'm some kind of parasite.

Well I don't do that necessarily, but things have surely changed. What happened to that boy who I barely remember. I'm curious to reread these emails I sent. I can't remember them for the life of me. Expect to see them after Thanksgiving!