The Tale of the Wounded Soldier

I feel like this story should begin with, "Once upon a time. . ." because when I sit and think about what I'm going to write about. Involves a relationship, a small child, revenge, poison and a "mildly retarded faggot. So you'll allow me a moment to open this with that lovely phrase.

Once upon a time there lived an Iguana who lived in the Land of Sunsets. One day he met a Wounded Soldier who carried around way to much baggage. These were bags filled with goodies from all the wars he had been in. There was the War of Iraq where he'd gotten shrapnel in his back and hurt both his knees. This made the Iguana feel warmly toward the soldier. There was the War of the Divorce where he'd gotten a small child and a jilted wife who hated him beyond belief. So much that she'd have him arrested for not being able to pay child support. This made the Iguana a little uneasy, but a child in a different state is a child that the Iguana never sees. Then there was the War of the Homo where the Soldier got mixed notions on what being a homosexual is, a crazy Ex-boyfriend who was hit on the head with a brick and now was unable to tell the difference between wrong and right, and all other kinds of silly things. This made the Iguana laugh because: Who would let that kind of thing into their life?

So the Iguana and Soldier stayed together for a month, living contently. When the Soldier left his immense burdens in the other room, things were good. The Iguana smiled and the Soldier felt content, because a Soldier without an army wife is like an Iguana without an eccentricity. The two cannot exist without the each other.

Then one day the Crazy-Ex boyfriend began to come around more and more. You see the Crazy-ex was gifted . . .literally. He was a sob story within himself. For when the Ex was a young boy someone hated him enough to hit him in the head with a brick. That seemed to have damaged his sense of what was right or wrong. Then when the Ex was a little older he dropped out of school in the 6th Grade. That seemed to have damaged any chance of him being socially adept or remotely tolerable. Then through his whole life the Ex grew up with seizures and brittle bones that broke from even a gust of wind.

Into the woods we go again! We have to every now and then!

With all these problems in his past, the Iguana could not help but feel slightly sorry for the crazy-Ex. The Iguana had a special power though, something that the Soldier in his kindness seemed to lack. The Iguana had the most special gifts of all: Common sense and little empathy.

One day when the Iguana and Soldier were having a picnic, the Crazy-Ex appeared in a puff of smoke. In his hands he had two apples, the Soldier was hungry and quickly took a bite. The Iguana though, slapped the apple from the Ex's hand and yelled, "I only eat organic!" After finishing his apple the Soldier began to sweat and feel dizzy. The crazy-Ex went on discussing his last trip to the land of Divorce and talking to the Queen.

"But you're not allowed into the land of Divorce!" Cried the Iguana to the Soldier. The Soldier remained quiet and let the crazy-Ex berate him more. Then the Soldier began to throw up.

"I've been poisoned. . . again!" Shouted the Soldier.

"Oh my. . .Wait, again?"

"Yes, again!"

"You let a mildly retarded man-child poison you, twice? I'm supposed to understand this? Wait and why is your Ex-bf still hanging out after a month we started seeing each other?! I mean you dated for like two months? What part of his absolutely disgusting and childish attitude did you not catch onto first? Why is he even here offering you edible and drinkable things? Why is there the possibility that he poisoned you. . .for a second time?! And why does he have your ex-Wife's phone number?"

"And I just found out your home address too, one of my Goblins got it for me." The crazy-Ex cackled.

"Excuse me? Okay you know what. I have three rules and they've all been broken in one swift move. First, I don't do drama in my life. I have enough and this, my friend, is a little more than I would ever want to get involved in. Second, I have my own affairs to tend to and as far as your Crazy-Ex is concerned. I don't exist anymore, if I get a knock on my door, I will have him arrested and I don't have any backwater shit for him to threaten me about. You got poisoned twice?! And third, I do not involve myself with people who believe that poisoning is something that enters an equation."

And they all lived happily ever after . . .

The End

The Legend of the Piggie Who Kept Tales Hidden

There once was a little piggie who met three creatures simultaneously and through a series of paradoxes. Yet, each one had a different relationship with the piglet.

The first rode a Vespa and liked to take the piggie out on dates. He would text a little more than the pig was used to, but he appreciated it nonetheless. The Vespa-rider would find ways to spend the night and sneak into the piggie's room to cuddle and kiss and . . . pet. Both had made promises not to do anymore than "kiss and pet and cuddle." For if they did they'd be breaking the rules and the piglet wanted to follow the rules. His constitution was still weak and the piggie enjoyed cuddling ever so much.

The second was the piglet's neighbor. The piggie was attracted to his Neighbor, but he was in a relationship. The principles of this relationship were built on sparkles, glue and fairies wings and now the piggie's neighbor lusted after him.

The pig had met his Neighbor on the street one day and they decided to have dinner together. The piglet knew his neighbor's intentions and the pig loved to have his tummy's rubbed. The Neighbor would send lovingly text messages that declared:

I am home early from work and would love to fuck you right now.

The piggie was touched and it made him chuckle. However, he didn't enjoy being the third "pig in a blanket" if you will. His constitution was getting a little better, but he was still prone to taking a roll in the mud every now and then.

The third was a ShyGuy who was so tall that his head often hit the clouds. The ShyGuy was as tame as a soft wind. He had a nervous twitch of biting his nails in a way that almost seemed painful. He would stare off into space and stutter, rarely making direct eye contact. It was difficult to see into his eyes since his head rested in near clumulus formations.

The pig liked this ShyGuy both emotionally and physically. The ShyGuy shared a similar past with the oinker. The piglet took a liking to him because it was nice to have a person around who made him snort less. Sometimes there would be awkward moments, like when the piggie was leaving and he received two consecutive pecks on the lips from the Guy.

The piggie knew better than to dig for truffles and just wanted to remain friends. The next time he saw the ShyGuy, the piggie was in a hurry and absentmindedly [in all seriousness] pecked the ShyGuy on the lips again! Later that night the ShyGuy came calling on the piggie for dinner. To take out, not to eat.

These gestures made the piglet get all pink and Rosy. Yet, he knew that he would rather be respectful of this one. The piggie had didn't know where this one was going, but was steering towards friendship. He was still learning to control himself.

So here was one little pig, with three different creatures involving themselves into his life. The Pig was content with the current relationships, but had a feeling some would change or evolve soon. Until then, he was going to maintain them and follow where each one lead.


The End.

A New York City Day — A True Story

There are days when you wake up, you walk out your door and you see the rabbit hole. You think, "I shouldn't go in there." But your Alice Intuition tells you to and you've always liked Alice better than logical sense.

Yesterday was truly a New York City Day. Unfortunately, those of you who don't live here can't understand what a New York City Day is. It's a day where you do so much that, explaining it to others who don't live here, seems wasteful. It always make for a fun story though!

They can't comprehend what it's like to arrive at a Drag Queen's apartment at 10:30 AM, with her Majesty already in full drag. You hop in a cab and drive up to Central Park with her while she looks at you in her regal way and says, "Your job today is to make me laugh...for 6 hours...That's all I ask of you."

You climb up a subtle incline in the park at noon. A Drag Queen with green tresses in a fake fur coat, her personal assistant and you. She walks the path as if she's Mother Teresa on the streets of Calcutta. Giving rice to the hungry, while she breathes, "Oh, Veronica! It's a wonderful day to be out in the world!"

You stop and think. What? How did I get here? It's fun, yes! But it doesn't seem right! This isn't a day anyone else has. What is amazing is how natural the events occur. How could it possibly get any stranger?! Maybe it can't--

As you near the top of the incline you see a small gathering of people. You have just arrived at your destination! The Poly-amorous Pride Event! "Oh, what a dump!" Her of the Royal Blood says. "And of course they asked me to host! There's no one here! At least they have a stage. When I hosted last year it was a soap box and some crate paper!"



A celebration of strange people: People who love to love! The strangest collection of Misfit Toys you will ever meet. There were threesome couples, foursome couples, married couples with lovers who were aware of each other. Babies?! Were the babies Poly-amorous?? Poly-Amorous Dogs! Needless to say, it didn't surprise me when I found out everyone here only spoke in Rhyme & Riddle.


Yet, I feel so calm here. I knew it was a world I don't care for, but why not? These people believe a Drag Queens can save your soul and so do I! When asked if she was a Monogamist (the opposite of Poly-Amorous), the picture of Regal Glory responded:

Why let me think? I'm a Mon--Moh--Mah-- Yes! I am a mahoganist! I have a deep love for mahogany furniture that cannot be contained.

I fell to the ground in Rapture! It was a strange day indeed! I watched and joked, while she ruled over the crowd. Then when not in front of her loyal people she questioned their beliefs?

I don't get this whole thing? You either need to have no ego or one of them has to have ALL ego and control the others. Can't we just return to the days where we cheat and never tell our loved one? The rules were you fuck around, don't make it a regular habit, and never do it in the bed. You can fuck on the floor next to the bed. Don't break those rules and everyone will be happy?

Her logic made some sense. I know my ego is to big to be dating more than one person at the same time. Also, if this was the largest group of PPP (Proud Poly-Amorous People) they could find, then the dating pool was a little shallow.

Then there was my Wonderland-esque Poly-Amorous Job! I was to pass a card. I was here to pass a card from my left to the right! It was hysterical, but it felt so much better to be doing this job than working in a cubicle all day!

Alas, the theme of the day was nothing is to unusual. As the day continued I eventually had to leave her Royal Highness's presence seeing as I was needed at a event more usual event.


Now this part you cannot truly believe unless you see it. Describing it is almost impossible. I have never been to a show that is such an experience as this. It was like living a weird dream. Observe:

Life To-Do List

Today was an okay day. Nothing good, nothing bad. I suppose I'm allowed those days every now and then, right? I went to Therapy, which was more like rehash the week. It left me a little drained of feelings. I started rehashing and then told my therapist (poor girl is a grad student...she probably has her dissertation written about me already).

I told her I am making a "Life To-Do List" which is a list. Not a Bucket List, I refused to associate it with death. It's the same idea, but this is own personal list. It's not finished yet. It will be like the Constitution. Meaning it can be amended over time, but only is 2/3 of the house agrees. This means that Anita Morris, Judy Garland and I must out vote the tattoos on my calves.

Here is the list so far:

1. Always love those around you
2. Love yourself, no matter what happens
3. Buy an iPhone
4. Keep going the gym until you can't any longer
5. Finish undergraduate college in Theatre
6. Travel to Egypt and climb the Pyramids
7. Buy a new Computer
8. Get at least FOUR more tattoos
9. Get a theatrical Internship
10. Embrace what life has given you
11. Keep smiling and making jokes
12. Win a Tony Award
13. Travel to Germany and stay in a Hostel
14. Take a road trip across America
15. Do the AIDs Walk annually
16. Travel to Alaska
17. Write a play that you can truly be proud of
18. Have said play be put on by a theater company in an actual performance
19. Travel to Africa in a AIDs-Relief Related Event
20. Travel to San Francisco (possibly live there for some amount of time)
21. Learn to roll a joint
22. Eat a full Mexican Meal and enjoy it (perferably in Mexico)
23. Travel to India
24. Win the Pulitzer Prize
25. Meet Patti LuPone and tell her she's your idol
26. Go to the Ireland and look up at the stars
27. Volunteer in an AIDs related Foundation

In other news I got some more Broadway DVDs. This time I got the LA Cast of Falsettos, which is 10,000 times better than the Broadway recording. I have Chess on Broadway (immense pleasure in typing that one. See what happens if you deny me...I get it), Also Chess in Concert from Sweden with the original cast. City of Angels in London. Legends! starring Mary Martin and Carol Channing. Dance of the Vampires, the flop. As well as a mega flop called Marilyn: An American Fable. They all make me very happy...

Right now I'm half watching Falsettos. What a wonderful staging, truly amazing. What beautiful music.

Lastly, I have to write a short story for Creative Writing. I am trying to train myself to not rely on my own life to write about. I am trying to find common ideas and feelings I wish to write about. Then projecting them into a story I create. I am nervous, but I have a decent idea. We shall see.