What it is To Black Out

While trying to escape from Fire Island I wasn't feeling very well. My stomach had been amiss the entire trip and I probably was dehydrated. With the weather at a minimum of 90 degrees, I basically needed an I.V. of Water running into my arm to stay normal.

As the Ferry hit the mainland I was eager to get out. I watched couples flirt and hold onto the fun they had on the Island. As I was just eager to get back to Brooklyn. Perhaps it was the nausea that comes with watching a couple flirt. Or it was the heat and lack of water.

Slowly my vision started to fade. I've never had that happen to me, but for a good 30 seconds I went completely blind. I couldn't see anything. Suddenly my music started to fade and I held onto a wall. I wanted to go home and not create problems.

So the brilliant idea of: You can just pretend you've got your sight and walk off the Ferry and it'll probably come back. Luckily, as I bumped into countless people it slowly came back. It was terrifying though. To be alert of the fact that you were due to pass out. Yet, I didn't because I don't like to be a bother.

Funny how this world works

Oh great pain in my stomach and back and neck. Oh but nothing has been comparing to the pain in the back of my skull. I wonder sometimes if that's what death will feel like? I walk down the street and stagger, for if I move my head to quickly. The feeling of weighted lead shifts in the back and I am off-balance for a moment.

Life has become a blur of sorts. I find it harder to want to stay focused, I like crossing my eyes and then seeing what turns out in my obscurity. Maybe I'll get an internship, maybe I won't. If so either out come with change the threads of time that await me.

I finished And The Band Played On. I found it amazing, a piece of history many people don't know and will never know. It took until the very end, when Reagan actually started "helping" the situation. That so many gay men could die for four years and just because Rock Hudson gets it, that's why it's the way it is today? How is that possible? Or the closing of the bathhouses, once again the way this whole situation was handled was surreal.

It chills me when I figured out I was 21 days old when AIDS officially became a national issue of importance. Also, upon reading the final page I was left feeling terrified because it didn't continue up to now. Where have all the leaders in the fight gone? When we left them they were dying of AIDS! The last chapter sums is all up when Schlitz just blatantly asks, "Where is the leadership?" That was in 1988.

Next book is: Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. It's one book. I know my grammar, okay.

I saw two experimental shows, and with the recent pain in my head, thought I would die. I didn't need to think so much. God's Ear was annoying to me. I loved the writing at times, but casting pick a lead woman without an obnoxious voice and who preferably knows how to act. I hated that woman. In scenes she wasn't in, I was happy and content. Unfortunately she was in most scenes. Especially the mistress, she hit the nail on the author's proverbial head. Then that damned wife would return.

Charles Mee's Fire Island was terrific. With the pain though I was pulled to my maximum for retaining information. I got free burgers and wine. I got to see this cute little freaky clown man court this awkward girl. I got to see affairs on this magical land of Fire Island come together and fall apart. So much was going on, that I felt myself alienating my mind from sensory overload. I loved it.

Why do Kashi TLC crackers taste so fucking good?

A small delay...

Last night around 2 am my Internet stopped working. I am at work now. If I don't say anything for a little while, in the words of Marianne Faithfull, "Don't forget me."

This weekend I am going home to finally retrieve my passport. The bus ticket is bought and I feel full of resistance to head home. It's always difficult for me. Don't know why. It's for the trip to China, so I'm determined. I have everything else completed other than this and the letter of recommendation from my teacher.

Every girl in Venice longs for Casanova.

Unfortunately, I can't apply for this school because my parents make more than 75,000 a year. Since I'm still registered under his household and every now and then they grant me money, I apparently can AFFORD to pay for China by myself. This is a common complaint in most college students, so I am going to have to accept what is and cannot be changed.

Today I woke up feeling decent, but later than planned. Then I got the stabbing pains in my stomach. They are finally subsiding so I'm feeling much better. That's good to know for me. Yet, I still have no Internet as far as I know. Tonight I'll watch a DVD or go to bed early.

No new love, and you will be my true love.

I have three days off and yet I am spending it doing nada. Well I don't exactly wish to be crazy when hours before my stomach was reeling. Tomorrow shall be different I assure you! Or I don't, I lie terribly.

Our fashion, a fire of un-endless passion.

I'm also upset that The Spelling Bee Tickets I ordered, have yet to arrive. I smell an AWFUL post man. He will PAY if I don't get the tickets I ordered...pay DEARLY.

Simple are the ways of love.