Learning To Connect

I hate the heavy feeling of tears. I don't know if everyone else can feel that when you're about to burst into tears. Suddenly, every facial gesture is calculated and planned. If you forget yourself for a second, then the flood will begin and it may never end.

For months I have been putting a lot of hope and faith into joining a support group to deal with the issues concerning my health and emotional spirit.

Positive Care II: Living with HIV
A group for men living long term with HIV to provide emotional support to maintain and promote health and happiness. This group provides a space to discuss concerns around self-esteem, isolation, safer sex, stigma, etc. Open to gay and bisexual men and men of trans-experience.
Mondays 7:30-9 pm—Jan 12 to Apr 6 (no mtgs on Jan 19 or Feb 16).
Intake required. Please call to schedule. Free.

There it is. My support group as explained by the advertisement on the website. I am HIV positive and I am living with it! To even type that stirs my soul and gives me reason to pause. I get frazzled when the idea enters my mind uninvited.

To partake in this group is a huge step for me. It was agreeing to meet weekly for three months and to address the issue of my HIV status with a group of other men. I ask you for a moment to sit and seriously think about that. What implications this holds on one's mind, body and spirit. Please. That's all I'm asking before I go on. Thank you for indulging me.

There was the intake session. Which is required for this group. It was meeting with this Counselor, Bonnie, that life got a little more real. I was open and honest with her. I named all the drugs I have issues with. All the thoughts that can go on my head in one day. I was being honest with myself. The old memories you have to disturb by just saying the word, "Crystal." Leaving that room left me shaken and vulnerable.

Then you realize the lack of vocabulary you have to articulate ideas about yourself. "Can you describe these thoughts? When you have them and how often?" I am sorry, but I don't see time the same way you do. Years and days have begun to flow into one another. What was once a thought I had for a day. Has suddenly been reoccurring for over a decade. I didn't notice it happening, yet there is the proof.

Also, give me a call next time you have to call up your doctor and ask him for the written paperwork declaring that you're HIV positive. I'll then be able to articulate the weirdness of the whole situation. Do I have to sound excited when I ask for them? Or do I sound matter-of-factly? Or when the front desk receptionist gives you an odd look as if no one with a disease has walked up to that desk before. Then when you tell her what you're seeking her tonal inflection changes just a little. As if apologizing to hear your news. If only you knew I was going to make copies and throw them off the Empire State Building.

* * *

Tonight. The first night of meetings and I arrived early. The train ride was a struggle in both the ride and in my head. I was not sure if this could be for me. Support groups can be so misleading. What if I am the only young guy here? What do I have to complain about? Some guy left you a month after you found out. I've abused drugs? Was that all that bad? Or perhaps these guys all got it from their partners. They may sound like simple fears, but they can make a forty minute train ride take forever.

Now I stood before the Welcome Center Desk and looked at the list of rooms and which groups were meeting where. My heart began to quicken at that moment, my mind was also listening to one of the attendant's talking to another older man who walked in. He was explaining, "I don't know about a group meeting afterward. There was the Positive Care I group that met from 6 to 7:30 PM. Nothing afterwards though . . ."

I quickly looked at the list and told myself that it wasn't my group too! I did not make this trip for nothing! I scanned the names and couldn't find the group. I took out my iPhone out and quickly went to the LGBT Center website to find the group. I then went up the volunteer attendant and showed her my phone. "I'm looking for this group."

She read the phone and called a number, screamed to someone across the room and said a little prayer before looking me in the eyes. There was that weight again, I felt the tears sneaking up. Now I needed to be careful in what I said or I may lose it.

"Why don't you go up to the group that meets before this group. Positive Care I, it's just getting out. Ask the coordinator there!" I still wonder if it hurts less to tire the victim down before giving the final blow?

As I walked up the stairs to the room, the group before was getting out. I had a feeling that even if my group was canceled I could possibly get into this group. Yet, as more people passed and I saw how crowded the group already was. My hopes dimmed a little more and my eyes felt heavy again.

I started into the eyes of a man I could tell was the coordinator of the group. I dared not speak for fear I already knew the answer I was going to receive. We stared at each other for a good 30 seconds before he finally broke and asked what I was looking for.

"I was told to ask you about a second group meeting here from 7:30 to 9?"

"No."

"Excuse me? It's listed on the website and I went to an inta--"

"I was not informed there was a second group meeting here tonight."

"Who would know?"

"Ada."

"Who?"

"Ada. In the CARE Center. Go ask her."

I ran down the hall, paying close attention to my eyes and how they looked. I was now getting frustrated and being sent on a chase that would not end happily. I got to the CARE Center and rang the doorbell. No one answered. I returned to the Welcome Center Desk. I approached the man who I had spoken to less than five minutes ago.

"I asked the man about the group." He gave me a blank stare. "About the Positive Care II group." Suddenly it all registered. "He told me to ask Ada. In the CARE Center. What time is that open?"

"10 AM to 6PM."

"So there's no one else here who can possibly know what's going on? If the group is happening?"

"No. Ada will know. She's gone home though. It's after 6 PM."

I turned away quickly and walked out the door. The cold air and the weight of my eyes caused a reaction that I hated, but was necessary. I wept openly as I walked down the street. The cold made it impossible for my eyes to not water, and the weight of the tears caused it to flow freely.

The crying felt so excessive. I will cry tomorrow after they tell me it's been canceled, I don't need to cry now! It was the irony of it all, the literal symbolism that made me weep. Partially out of hilarity as USUAL! I went to seek support and I found there was none to give. How can you not feel sad after discovering that. Yet it existed. There was another man who showed up. He and I. We wanted to learn about living with HIV from others at the allotted time of 7:30PM to 9PM!

Here I was, walking to the subway and balling my eyes out. I put on David Bowie and a song called Sorrows came on. It was over before it began.

I am not defeated. I know I'm not. I'm upset that this is the entry into what I hoped would be a positive experience. The theme of 2009 seems to be if you are nervous about something then life with throw a curve ball. At the end of the night it's just another night. I've gotten to this moment without a support group, so continuing another week or so won't destroy me.

If tomorrow they tell me that I missed my chance or something along those lines. I will tell them we need to discuss private therapy. Which I'm lead to believe can be given to me for free. It will work out.

I allowed my moment to cry. To burst into tears. How can all that build up not lead to tears?

Is It A Crime?

As a friend said, it's a sucky week to be in my bed. Poi decided that I'm it's jut not worth it. That's fine, I'm not surprised by that.

Then there was my long term lover from L.A. who I met several months ago and happens to be spending the month in the city. First off, he tells me last week how he misses me and can't wait to see me (he was visiting his family that weekend) and so I think:

Okay, he's going back to L.A. soon, why not just enjoy it and kiss and touch? I don't want to marry him. I don't want to end this month with him telling me he loves me. I'll just do what I do and let it runs it's course.

I just want an uncomplicated little love affair? Is that a crime? I ask you.

How annoying people can be. He mentions last night during our second outing this week how tomorrow he's basically going to an orgy. He may not partake in it, but assuredly he's going to an event similar to that. Whatever, read the above.

I think it's very indiscreet and rude to feel nowadays that you can just openly mention to someone you're having sex with how you're going to an orgy right after they finish kissing you. What matters to me right now is I wish to get my rocks off. So I ask him if he wants to come back to my place and spend the night. His excuse: My shoes are just so damned uncomfortable. Add that onto it's a Friday night and he wants to go out.

Fine. And scene and the interlude has just ended a week or so early. In short, fuck you.

I feel with the quitting of Manhunt and the events that have happened in the past, mixed with the events that have happened this week. That I am willfully entering a phase of my life where I shall be solitary and not care about others in a sexual way.

I think about this for a moment every time it enters my mind. I think about how I'm 23 and consciously doing this is like jumping the gun. What gun though? I think about how obviously frustrated I get with dealing with others sexually that at times I feel it's stinting my personal development. Is there anything more to develop? I think about how I've had enough sex for two lifetimes and even a year of nothing wouldn't necessarily ruin anything. I think about how without sexual encounters in my life, I will be so boring.

I actually discussed the events of last night with L.A. and was as honest as I could be. I always pay attention to my passive behavior. Unfortunately, it's the way I deal with stress and if anyone has the sense to tell me that I need to fix that. Here's a big fuck off ahead of time. After all these events I feel as if fighting for a relationship that doesn't even exist is pointless.

He has it set in his mind that we're friends with benefits and he's going back to L.A. Despite this whole speech he once gave me about moving in with me when he moves here next year. The only way to get through a world of absurdity is by being passive, I tell you.

The long-short of it goes: I am abstaining from sex for a little while. I am tired and annoyed of dealing with people that way. I'll be open with the fact that I probably will break this rule because I'm a person and we all get urges. The thing is I'm neither dumpy nor uncomfortable to look at. So men will ultimately want to kiss me. I have a weak Constitution. Until those days come, I'm not actively seeking it out. It wears on my soul and I just don't care anymore.

We've lost all sense of ourselves. I'm a romantic who is actually cutting out the sex all the time. The world isn't slowing down for me, that I am fully aware. This city of gay men is so funny at times. We're fully content with the niches we have found that the thought of changing them terrifies us.

You announce that the owners of Manhunt are Republicans who have donated 2,300 to McCain's campaign. Or that it's destroying gay culture. Gay men will chuckle and continue to use the site because: It works better than anything before. This sort of behavior sounds so familiar. Hm.

Judy Garland Keeps Me Alive

This is no longer about him. He is dead, there will never been a mention of him again as long as I can help it. Well after this post that is. He's no longer worth worry or my time in general.

I punched myself in the heart until I was bruised. I needed physical pain to counteract the emotional. I completely destroyed the Red Umbrella until there was nothing left. And I wrote a nasty email reply to him, but deleted it realizing you aren't going to let him hit you while you're down again.

I then put on Judy Garland and listened to her until she helped me realize that it's okay to feel hatred towards someone who once made you feel so good.

People aren't perfect, he isn't perfect. And though he pretends that he wants to be there for you, you don't need to take that. You have everything under control. I hate him. Perhaps someday I won't hate him, but he has to do more than what he is doing now to change anything.

And in my hate for him I am showing that I am not perfect. Yet, I am content in that.


So this final post is to you ADRIAN...

I'd like to believe that this is my theme song and I would perform this the same way Judy does...

Springtime for Hitler

Why is everyone allowed a springtime-soon-to-be-summer-crush, except me?

Is it because I'm crazy? Or because I'm gifted? Cursed?

Or because...

I'd most likely be an emotional wreck for anyone who steps within three feet of me. And I'd go nuts if they showed the smallest bit of attention.

Yes, I do believe that is it.

Legally Pink

Just got back from the Betty Comden Memorial. Waited outside 2 hours and it was totally worth it. Here's some memorable songs that some of the divas performed:

Beth Leavel, Karen Ziemba and Stephanie J. Block — New York, New York from On The Town
Lucie Arnaz — 100 Easy Ways to Lose a Man from Wonderful Town
Christine Ebersole — Our Private World from The 20th Century
Phyllis Newman — A Shoo-In from Subways are for Sleeping (she won her Tony in that role)
Judith Blazer and Mary Testa — Ohio from Wonderful Town
Carolee Carmello — I'm Going Back from Bells Are Ringing (my favorite performance in it all)
Ann Hampton Callaway and Liz Callaway — Neverland from Peter Pan
Lillias White — I Can Cook Too! from On The Town (She was a hot mess! Broken leg, funny green sequin hat and reading the lyrics off some paper)
Leslie Uggams — My Own Morning from Hallelujah, Baby! (Her Tony Award too)
Elaine Stritch — Some song from a movie they did Lyrics too (haha!)
Lypsinka — A BRILLIANT act while syncing to another song from the movie Stritch sang from
Barbara Cook — Some Other Time from On The Town (SHE SANG THIS TO AN ENTIRE HOUSE WITH NO MIC! It was unbelievable!)

Now onto Part two of today...Legally Blonde! I feel so gay...wanna know why...here's why:



It's not permanent don't worry. I just figured it's a rare occasion, might as well go a little out. I'm gonna feel like such a weirdo riding on the subway, but alas we do what we must do...

How did we come to this?

Some bad things have happened today, things that are pushing my toward tears. For example:

I'm meeting my ex (who I am friends with and is coming to the show with me) boyfriend's new boyfriend who he has gotten very serious with and blah blah blah. It's not that I'm jealous, hardly jealous. From the way he describes him, the new guy has the same hobbies as me. That's normal, but I then wonder what I've done wrong to not merit the attention. Does that make sense? I know it's nothing I've done WRONG per say, but it brings me close to tears when I think about it. I don't know why.

Another issue BIGGER that's bringing me close to tears and might just do it is that my mom called me today and informed me that my parent's health insurance no longer covers me. I've been on it since I'm still in school. Well, apparently my dad intelligently took a new health insurance that doesn't offer a Student Rider. Meaning if your child is in school and they have proof they are included. Nope. He didn't.

Since I'm now 22 that means I don't count as a child in general. So I'm currently without health insurance. Here's the REAL kicker and the reason I may cry. It may be the sole reason I can't go to China with my school. I'm going to write an email after this entry to the people asking what I should do. I need a photocopy of my health insurance card for the application. Even if I get it, the card won't be here by October 12th.

I refuse to cry now, but I may be shortly. I don't believe that it's over so quickly. Before it even began. My throat is closing up...I have to go.