Then there was my long term lover from L.A. who I met several months ago and happens to be spending the month in the city. First off, he tells me last week how he misses me and can't wait to see me (he was visiting his family that weekend) and so I think:
Okay, he's going back to L.A. soon, why not just enjoy it and kiss and touch? I don't want to marry him. I don't want to end this month with him telling me he loves me. I'll just do what I do and let it runs it's course.
I just want an uncomplicated little love affair? Is that a crime? I ask you.
How annoying people can be. He mentions last night during our second outing this week how tomorrow he's basically going to an orgy. He may not partake in it, but assuredly he's going to an event similar to that. Whatever, read the above.
I think it's very indiscreet and rude to feel nowadays that you can just openly mention to someone you're having sex with how you're going to an orgy right after they finish kissing you. What matters to me right now is I wish to get my rocks off. So I ask him if he wants to come back to my place and spend the night. His excuse: My shoes are just so damned uncomfortable. Add that onto it's a Friday night and he wants to go out.
Fine. And scene and the interlude has just ended a week or so early. In short, fuck you.
I feel with the quitting of Manhunt and the events that have happened in the past, mixed with the events that have happened this week. That I am willfully entering a phase of my life where I shall be solitary and not care about others in a sexual way.
I think about this for a moment every time it enters my mind. I think about how I'm 23 and consciously doing this is like jumping the gun. What gun though? I think about how obviously frustrated I get with dealing with others sexually that at times I feel it's stinting my personal development. Is there anything more to develop? I think about how I've had enough sex for two lifetimes and even a year of nothing wouldn't necessarily ruin anything. I think about how without sexual encounters in my life, I will be so boring.
I actually discussed the events of last night with L.A. and was as honest as I could be. I always pay attention to my passive behavior. Unfortunately, it's the way I deal with stress and if anyone has the sense to tell me that I need to fix that. Here's a big fuck off ahead of time. After all these events I feel as if fighting for a relationship that doesn't even exist is pointless.
He has it set in his mind that we're friends with benefits and he's going back to L.A. Despite this whole speech he once gave me about moving in with me when he moves here next year. The only way to get through a world of absurdity is by being passive, I tell you.
The long-short of it goes: I am abstaining from sex for a little while. I am tired and annoyed of dealing with people that way. I'll be open with the fact that I probably will break this rule because I'm a person and we all get urges. The thing is I'm neither dumpy nor uncomfortable to look at. So men will ultimately want to kiss me. I have a weak Constitution. Until those days come, I'm not actively seeking it out. It wears on my soul and I just don't care anymore.
We've lost all sense of ourselves. I'm a romantic who is actually cutting out the sex all the time. The world isn't slowing down for me, that I am fully aware. This city of gay men is so funny at times. We're fully content with the niches we have found that the thought of changing them terrifies us.
You announce that the owners of Manhunt are Republicans who have donated 2,300 to McCain's campaign. Or that it's destroying gay culture. Gay men will chuckle and continue to use the site because: It works better than anything before. This sort of behavior sounds so familiar. Hm.
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