Sorry for that sudden discovery, but I had to make it known. It's hard having an idol like Anita Morris, because her appearances in things are just so rare. But it always keeps me looking...I never feel that I've seen her in everything, cause when I least expect it, there she is in something new...
Moving on.
Today was horrible. I am learning more and more everyday, to never set me heart on another man. Here is the long short of it...
I met a guy at W's birthday party, after we had broken up. He was sweet, funny and intelligent. I may have mentioned him before (my memory is not what it used to be). The catch was he lives in NJ. Then to my surprise one night we went out to a bar, on his invitation. He drank, talked and had a wonderful make out session. He stayed at my place and we slept in my bed together, nothing dirty happened. It was nice. I was really starting to like him. He was sweet and honest and sincere.
His mind worked differently from anyone I'd ever met. He thought outside of the box. It was refreshing and made me feel hopeful.
We had never really had a talk about where we stand, except that we were friends. Even though we had made out and slept next to each other. I had often alluded to the fact that I was attracted to him and liked him.
Maybe it was my coy behavior, who knows.
Moving on.
So I'm at work today and it's busy as it has been all week. He texts me at how I am doing. Which is sweet and a surprise. We text each other back and forth and he tells me how he was up very late last night. I proceed to ask him what he ended up doing. And his response...
"I went out to a bar with a friend and drank a lot. Then I went back to his place in Chelsea and lost my 'virginity' so to speak."
Excuse me please?
And like clockwork Judy Garland came onto my ipod and I felt my soul shatter a little more. I rarely in my inner recess of a place I call a soul...or an empty void if you will, make room for someone to stay in there. He was one of those rare exceptions.
I was bit by a bug that I thought couldn't bite me anymore. I was suffering from puppy love I guess you'd call it. Every time we'd chat I'd enjoy it, I would always like to make contact with him. It was just that old feeling I rarely ever feel.
"Love does funny things when hits you this way...I could keep on singing like a lark going strong..."
And in one brief block of text those young puppies are castrated before they can go into heat. So being so good at hiding my emotions even through text message I respond:
"This is a little to much for me to deal with right now, but I am glad you had fun."
WHAT?! Could my nervous breakdown have seemed more apparent? There I am sitting at a computer, my smile drops, my eyes grow wide and I stare off into space. As Judy Garland rings in my ears.
I sit there thinking, "Why, why? What possessed him to want to tell me this?" Was my telling him I found him very attractive off putting? Did he never feel the same way? Perhaps, it's a possibility? I'm trying not to be melodramatic here, but it's difficult...
"No more his eager call, the writings on the wall, the dreams you've dreamed have all gone astray."
Perhaps he didn't feel the same way, the making out was just a drunken fluke, it's all very possible. He just wanted to be friends, because he values friendship more than sex. He actually is that type of guy...
I'm upset because I let it happen to myself. I mean this technically means nothing to me. We didn't have anything to lose, well he didn't. But why did he feel it was okay to tell me that? Granted I'll admit I wasn't exactly staying loyal for him. But it wasn't like I text messaged him and said, "Guess what I did four times this week, without you there?"
"I'm sure that love's an overrated past time, it's the last time I'll ever be anything but fancy free. For love is just a junior-high diversion, one-way excursion. I am sure that I am old enough to fly alone! And I'll face the unknown, I'll build a world of my own...No one knows better than I myself, I'm by myself alone."
By this song on my Judy Garland playlist I'm usually bitter (or reassured), you pick which, enough to get on with my life.
That's it heart, you're done with, not allowed to get in the way anymore.
Which is worse: Having lots of meaningless sex? Or falling for someone just to have them step on your heart? I'm not sure but I can tell you:
The meaningless sex may hurt at times, but I can deal with it much easier than the latter.
Which is why this entry comes full circle. Anita Morris, the role I play so well, and can't seem to get out of...It's a gift and a curse.
I leave you with Dorothy Loudon (The Original Miss Hannigan) being AMAZING for 45 seconds...
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