Iguana's Letter to his Gentleman Caller

A letter that will never be sent and written for my own sanity:

Dear Gentleman Caller,

It was a wonderful Saturday that I spent with you. You were very fun and sweet to hang out with. I was glad that you suggested we have a day where we do "nothing" even though we did do several things. We had Vietnamese food in China town, we walked around Soho, we went to a movie in Chelsea, we watched HD TV and we had a slice of pizza outside of your apartment.

I am glad we are friends and I truly enjoyed myself. It grieves me though that I have to bring up the next topic, it will make me seem vain and foolish to bring up such an issue on such a wonderful time.

My issue being: Why didn't we have sex? Now before you react I know there are several possible answers to this question that I actually milled about in my mind while I slept next to you. First, would be that we agreed to have a day of just relaxing (as we had), just to unwind. As that is the probable answer, but because I am a Cancer, I must worry because the answer wasn't presented that way.

Second, could be since you mentioned at lunch how there is a man you are interested in. You also mentioned though how you were fooling around with others a couple times during the week. Now unless I misunderstood you and that was the man you are interested in (which I don't think I did), why wasn't I one of them?

The last option, and though I will doubt this is the reason, it is still a possible reason. That you no longer find me attractive/find any sexual attraction to me. Of course of all three reasons, as you fell asleep around 11 o'clock this immediately was the reason that went through my head.

There I sat on your bed, in my tight underwear completely in your hands. It's been four months since we've had sex, you remember that crazy sex we used to have. That fun memorable sex. I openly told you I miss good sex. You were so happy I said that to you, you felt prouder than a Rooster. You even told a co-worker. But, since you put these thoughts in my head, I'll be honest. I have found good sex since you, I told the little white lie, you were great sex, but it's not like I haven't found replacements. It's nothing against you, but I do still miss your good sex.

You also refer to me as one of the top 3 sexual experiences in your life. That touches me to, but as you know I'm not as vocal as you are about your sexuality. Unless of course you were lying and that was only to make me feel better, which I highly doubt. You remember Thanksgiving, CERTAINLY as well as I remember Thanksgiving. There's no way that I can't be slightly memorable.

I found it funny how you never asked me about my life, if I was seeing anyone? Do you not care that much? You just pretend? If you do, your game is wearing a little thin. I know you have always kept me at arms length from getting close to you. It became painfully obvious when you told me about this new man in your life and how you were going to see a show with him soon. If it had been a orchestra or ballet I would've been fine. But to tell me you're breaking down and seeing a Broadway show with this man. Why didn't you just spit in my face there. Of course I smiled and feigned a surprised look mixed with a tone of, "But you hate Broadway theater?!" When inside I was screaming, "You CHEAP FUCK!!"

Then you add onto this pain inside by refusing me carnal pleasure. You're a sly one GC, very sly.

I write this to you because I am still weak. I know I am human and worth more than sex, and our friendship should be enough. But to be denied that still hurts me. When I know the times we had, the way you still hint that it could happen. You don't know how long I laid awake just thinking about it. Almost crying. Yes, the movie didn't make me cry, but your actions almost did.

The joke is on your though, I am stronger than that. I won't let you make me feel this way, so you'll have to try harder next time. Tell me how your Broadway show goes and I will smile and tell you I've already seen it, probably ask your opinion, but I won't care in the least. Who cares what you did with your older lover after the show...I won't care.

Regardless, I still value your friendship and the kindness. I will forgive you for your friendly torment that you bring into my mind and body. As a way to make up even, I won't pay for you the lunch, the pizza, the movie and anything else you paid for me on Saturday. I know we discussed it, but I think the mental angst you put me through it payment enough. Until we can do this again...

Love and Faithfully Yours,
Your Blue Eyes

P.S.Know that it's men like you that keep me in my prim shape and body status. While you know what drives me wild I also know what makes you crazy too.