Who's to blame?

So the quick ballad of the Artist is complete. He was a very nice guy, we clicked in an odd way. We hung out a lot in the last two weeks. He wished to create a connection and for some reason deep down inside I cannot. One a social level we clicked, but in the bedroom we were good. Yet I felt a pulling.

Finally last night we messed around and there were two things that didn't sit well with me. First was that he told me originally that he was going to wait two weeks before doing anything sexually, just cause he didn't want to fuck it up. I respected this determination and then last night it was broken. Then he wanted me to spend the night, very romantic right? For some reason I just couldn't.

I've grown so accustomed it seems to my own schedule and loneliness that I don't feel like spending the night when I know I have chores to do the next day. Plus I don't know if I'm exactly looking for a relationship right now. I'm going to China, it's a month and things can last for a month, but I don't necessarily want excess feelings.

I don't know what I want. I feel this is more my own fault that The Artist's though. This has happened several times before it seems. People start to care and I just don't. I don't feel sexually driven towards them. This is where my true insanity tends to shine. The moment he started discussing possible relationship ideas with me, how we click and he could see something working. In my mind something clicked as well. This isn't a good habit to have, yet it's happened before.

Also I can't help but feel the psychic from New Orleans was RIGHT again. When we were talking he said (I felt this was random too) the man you will have sex with will tell you he's versatile, but he's lying. Now it seems odd, but I thought he was referring to the Tall Man, but I feel he was making a note about The Artist. He advised me against thinking it was okay. I don't know I'm probably now making excuses to help me get through.

Alas, last night I lost all feeling for anything towards The Artist it seems. I need to work on this more, at least address it to my Therapist (I won't be seeing her until I get back from China though).

And the beat goes on...

Can you show her where we keep the euphemism

Stress, stress, stress. La Dee Da!

Papers and pillows to make. China to visit, yet try to keep off my mind because I'll psyche myself out. Artists planning our futures together, when I'm not sure I'd like it that way. Yet, retaining sex in fear of "fucking things up." Christmas to go home to. Family to see. Random party to hold. Sweeney Todd to see before I fly to China, literally before.

Beckett to read by choice. Yes. I said Beckett's NOVELS to read by choice. Am I intentionally making myself stressed? The answer is yes/no. I haven't been to a show in a while, which adds to the stress. This week though, there will be Kiki & Herb: The Second Coming at Carnegie Hall and The Homecoming at the Court Theater. That will be my final show before I go to China.

Deep breath, breathe deep.

I've recently read Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Wow. The show pulverized me. I'm currently obsessing as usual, I am in the middle of watching the 2004 revival. The movie will be next. I plan on researching a touch to find out more. Albee has his hold on me. It could be worse.

Break in between things...

I'm resting my brain...not even like I'm doing that much. I've just lost the knack for staying focused. This weekend besides drugs, I also saw The Golden Compass...I didn't think it was all that bad. Granted I do agree that it could have been 100000 times better. So I guess that means I didn't like it. They handed you too much and never let you guess what was going to happen next. As well as the fact they withheld the original ending. Which is bullshit. At the end of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, that hardly had a happy ending, but because we knew that there were two other books to come.

This would be the same idea. Yet, we had to give it a promising and happy ending for the people who haven't read the books. Well I hope you're happy Chris Weitz for compromising your artistic integrity. Sure, opening weekend will be terrific, but why would you want to see it after the lame reviews it's been getting? I would love to see the other two on screen, but after this I feel nervous to trust Mr. Weitz in making these movies. He may need to be stopped.

I thought Nicole Kidman really did well as Mrs. Coulter.

Otherwise, I went on date number two with this new guy. I will call him The Artist. The Artist is actually only 25, which means we are only 3 years apart. He's one odd duck and for that I feel comfortable in his presence. Actually as I write this he is coming to my place now to be a distraction. I'm surprised but happy by that....I am going to stop writing now since I have to work on homework until he arrives.