Childhood Memories

The other day while talking to someone I had a rush of nostalgia. It was odd and surreal, to have memories that I had entirely forgotten come rushing back into my mind.

While I was a young child growing up and moving around from house to house. We had a temporary stay in a camp. The house we were building was not through, but we had sold our old one. So we lived in this camp that was in the middle of the woods.

I don't remember how long we lived in this camp, or why we were even there. It was old and musty. It was far away from everyone we knew, but it was so odd. I do remember sitting in the living room nook. I was reading the comic book version of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. I also remember something to do with being soaking wet, but that is all beyond me now.

A Small Thing

A moment worth remembering. . .

IGUANA: Good night.
GUY: Night.
(They move in and quickly peck on the lips.)
GUY: Oh that kiss wasn't wet enough, here's another.
IGUANA: Huh?
(The GUY moves in and kisses IGUANA quickly for a second time. This time with a little more spit.)

BLACKOUT

It's little things like this.

Gay Love Signs: Cancer

A friend gave me this book. Here's what it says about Cancers. See if you can see me in this:

Symbol: The Crab

Ruling Planet: The Moon

Colors: Pale blues and greens.

Natural House Ruler ship: Fourth House, the house of the home and the family

Fourth House Traits: Desire for emotional security and regard for the past

Motto: I FEEL

Element: Water Sign (Emotional)

Parts of the Body: Chest and stomach

Now select quotes:

As a Cardinal sign, your instinct is to lead with your creative, intelligence and quick wit. At the same time, however, your innate shyness holds you back. You question yourself , weighing your need for affection and recognition against your fear of rejection, ridicule or failure.

Extreme sensitivity is both your prime talent and your biggest obstacle in developing a successful personality. You are intuitive, but the shifting sands of your moods cause you to doubt your ability to act upon your feelings. You need a sound affectionate continuity in your life to give you emotional security in a sea of change.

Cancer is blessed with the power of intuition. You can see someone who attracts your interests or attention and file them away in your memory. Your paths will mysteriously intersect in the future, almost as if you had willed it. Often, these chance encounters will reveal important associations in your life. In similar ways, your sex partners are "chosen for you."

Worry and doubt can nibble at your consciousness like the tides eroding the shoreline of self-confidence. Your imagination is so finely tuned that you can fall prey to unwarranted paranoia. A glance, a sigh, a hesitation or an overheard remark can etch itself in your brain and send you into gloomy despair or delicious rapture.

As you become more sexually experienced and self-assured, you learn to cope with anonymous or casual partners. But your need for gentle and affectionate contact can become frustrated in the search for uninvolved sex because Cancers tend to size up each trick as a potential partner.

Many Cancers live too much in the past, failing to take advantage of the present. You keep your secret hurts and fears to yourself, and yet you long for a lover with whom you can be open and vulnerable.

It's weird, the whole thing. It rings true, perhaps cause it's vague, but it's me to the small details.

A friend from high school's mother passed away today. It's weird how life works, memories of people you push back in your mind. It makes you think about how we archive memories. Which ones gain precedence over others. When people tell me memories of high school, that I can't remember. Does that mean I neglected to see the significance in keeping that memory close?

I remember being in 8th grade and going to an elementary school. I was volunteering for their after school drama program. It was myself and another classmate. The girl who would eventually try and "save" me from being a homosexual.

My friend's mother ran the program and we put on two plays. I got to know young 5th Graders who wanted to be "stars" in the show. It was a fun and pleasant time.

Such an interesting memory to show up.

Diva's Playlist

A Tale of Two Cities sounds like one of those shows that's 20 years to late. I've heard mixed things about the show, but tonight I'll know.

In other news I ran around the campus getting things in order. I had two surreal moments during this running around. First was on campus when I remembered how after 1:30 in the afternoon I won't have to quickly leave class to get on a train to get to work. Or how I'll have time to spend on work. Well, more time than what I've been used to.

Then I walked from my old subway stop to the gym. This means I took a stroll through Park Slope. This was the first real stroll since I've moved a month ago. I was presented with the question of: You lived here for a year? Just the same as when I asked myself if I really lived in Chelsea. I lived in Park Slope for over a year, just a month more, but still over a year.

Remember when a year actually meant something? Maybe I just stopped caring about years. When did I stop caring? It was before I moved to the city. There are those people who hold onto the high school years. Those memories they associate with everyone. They can't accept how the memories have developed into actual people.

People will recall these obscure memories of things I did or said. All I can often conjure up is a vague recollection and then I decide: Just laugh and agree, it must have happened. I still wonder where exactly I was when these memories happened. I wasn't stoned or drugged up. I was sober and aware of everything at that time.

Maybe I was aware of to much, even then , I had to sacrifice pleasure in exchange knowledge? The issues of my childhood/middle school/high school life could be a book of their own. For now I won't go into it.

Avoidance, avoidance...Time to see the play.

Where to place my thoughts

I can't figure out where to place my thoughts. Parents came, parents went. It was the quickest visit yet. It was rainy and things were mild and well. Mom announced that I was expected home for Easter. To which I need to figure out. These small things stress me out for some odd reason. To put it simply, I don't wish to go home for Easter.

I am having several childhood memories that I am falling into and wading around in. I've been remembering times that are much calmer and fill me with ease. A particular memory that reminds me of Colored Lights by Kander & Ebb. The memory is of when I was visiting my grandparents in Florida when I was probably 15 or 16. I was reading Agatha Christie's mystery novels. I had just discovered Starlight Express and Sunset Blvd. It was so calm. I was stuck in a retirement area and I loved it. We would ride out on my grandparent's slow-moving boat and I would listen to my CD player. Through my new found interest in Sunset Blvd, I was able to see the movie for the first time with my grandmother's help.

These memories comfort me. So strange. I miss those colored lights.

I've found that recently due to events that I have become terrified to be alone. I don't like it, I find myself seeking out the company of friends. Which is a great because it is not my initial reaction to seek the company in a sexual manner. Yet, I dislike it because I am becoming afraid of silence. I'm afraid to deal with thoughts. I feel selfish that I am allowing myself to let it pass. I have days I want to scream and days I want to cry and days where I want nothing but to laugh. I try most for the laughing nowadays.