Hopes Up and Go

These days of leisure couldn't be more filled with nothing. Yet, it always seems like I am trying to accomplish something. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have ridden my bike over the Brooklyn Bridge multiple times this week.

I was traveling for some reason. Perhaps it was just to save money, or to get exercise, to cleanse my mind. When I ride my bike there are thoughts that I have at my disposal that I normally feel I wouldn't. Feelings of raw emotion. The wind blowing into your eyes and making them water. You are listening to a song on your iPod and wondering: is it the wind or the song that makes me want to weep? or is it the simple fallacy that I experiencing a real moment in this bike ride. Being in the here and now. I am actively moving towards nothing. Towards something that I can't for tell and never knew was going to happen.

I weep. I feel tears falling down my face as I peddle across the bridge. Tourists get in the way and I want to run them down. The lanes are clearly separated, but they insist on standing in my biking lane. This brings me out of my reverie and dreams. My pathos have been haulted.

I am trying to keep a demeanor of optomism, but with these lack of callbacks and third interviews. You hear of people who are moving away. Even the Israeli is moving back there. He's failed and I love it.

New York City harbors the residence who can make it. People who leave it are banished, never to return. They couldn't figured out the game that is play. I sometimes wonder if I've yet to figure out this game. I've met enough people, but the game aspect of it seems so odd. What rules am I playing well?

Rant done.

It Dawned On Me Today . . .

That if I were ever to become famous, suddenly everything I've written here will seem relevant. Until then . . .well that is just irrelevant.

Oh These Days, Please Pass

I am getting reprimanded a lot this week. I wish I was not, but I am. I want to get out of it, but it's more difficult than I know. I wish I knew what to write about the situation, but I don't know necessarily what to say. It also didn't help that the one telling me how to think is in a serious mistake himself. It's like taking advice from Hedda Gabler, it will only end with a pistol and a wound.

I am going out tonight to not spend money. To be with friends, which is more difficult than you can imagine. It's a hard time to live here and be thrifty. You're never not spending money when you're here. It's terrible. You see people less because you can't afford to. Oh the thing we do for friends, at the end of the day I'll enjoy the interactions.

It's almost time to go off into the night and wait for my friends. Tra-la. Maybe I will buy one drink. Then one drink leads to two, then two leads to twelve. You know how it goes.

The Way I See It

Listen, it's all I can do to not jump on you. We really need to set aside some time one night this week for some carnage. -- Text Message

I'm feeling very tense, like the week ahead is already overwhelming. It's just movie, social and other business like that. Nothing seriously, so why feel tense? Maybe because there is a lack of the "serious" matters at hand. I have plenty, but I just put them behind me.

Today on the way to school. I saw the same man who I saw weeks ago who smiled at me on the train ride home. He looked at me once and didn't recognize me, perhaps cause it was before 9 AM and he was tired. I looked the same, he looked different. His lack of recognition upset my balance. Ah, well. Our third encounter will be charming, I am sure.

Tonight, I return to group. It's been a week hiatus and was there ever a week I needed group more it was last week. I am here, left to my own devices and what do I do? Well, I'm still here and that is enough.

Kathy Griffin was funny. I saw her live, did I fail to mention that? Well, I did. I lived a gay man's wet dream. What was funnier was this text I got on my way home. I don't try, I did nothing to get it except be myself. I will feel no blame.

The Many Faces of Eve — A Series

Though she'd hate that I've turned her into a study, but this girl has some interesting faces. I present The Many Faces of Eve:

Smile

Drunk Smile

Ecstatic

Teary-eyed

Distressed

Smudge

wtf?

The Cockroach and The Sandal

Picture a cockroach, now picture a cockroach that's bigger than that one you originally thought of. Okay, does he look like this. Yes? Good we're on the same page here.

She's been living in my room since August. Maybe it's not even the same one since August. Maybe it's her sister. Well regardless oh which generation she falls into. She is now dead. I killed her with a sandal. She tempted me, deceitful slut. Showed her face and danced into my sight.

Elizabeth was intent on kill her, but she didn't like my roommate. After the first search was through I sat by myself and not before to long she popped up again. The tango started and I got my sandal. She ran into a trap of her devices, into my bookshelf. She ran into a corner and I swatted, not wanting to crush her on my rare copies of books.

She ran up the sandal and fell back downwards and I took one quick swipe and she EXPLODED!

WHOA, what? Cockroaches explode? When does this happen? What video did I miss that told me this fact?

I ran out of my room screaming as if I had just killed a family of four and woken up in their blood. "I killed it! It exploded and it's terrible!!!!"

We quickly got rid of the body and I washed all the tools involved. My fingertips reek of bleach, but no traces will ever be found. Dear god, she exploded.

Sweet dreams.

27 Minutes and 54 Seconds

I am giving myself 27 minutes and 54 seconds to write all on my mind and be done with it. Thats the total length of songs I've purchased on iTunes. Shirley Bassey, The Womenfolk, Regina Bell, Patti LaBelle and Radiohead. Okay, here we go...

It's all just a little bit of history repeating.

I am through with my play, that is a good thing. I am no longer required to work for my school for free...or am I? So the moment this show closed my mind went into work mode. It's not good to be idle. That's why I never would make a proper domestic. Sitting at home is not for me. AND.

I have recently come to a big decision in my life.

The last three years have been ones of confusion and restlessness. Of growing and learning constantly. I have spent three years telling people, "I don't know." When asked what I want to do when I finish school. I always knew that my passion was for theatre, but that was simply it. What did I want to do though?

Theatre Management? Casting? Wardrobe? Dramaturgy? Grad School? Leaving the city? It's all been up and downs. When you're fighting to survive and to keep your head. When you're learning to grow earlier than most. When is there time to make these decisions?

Then the plague entered my life. Things became difficult. Things were still.

All I Ask Of You.

I stopped progressing. I stopped staying motivated. Before the days of constant darkness and worries, I was able to work my way to China! How can I so easily be stopped? It wasn't my choice to stop. It was going to happen sooner or later.

It wasn't just the news of this event. I have an exact date. April 1, 2008. That's when life officially stopped moving, for an undecided amount of time. The Tall Man cut the last thread to my sanity and without my permission, I felt the walls all around me crumble.

Perhaps I'm being melodramatic? How can I not see a silver lining through all this? You're kidding right?

Moving along, my thoughts get so cluttered.

Until recently, I have come to the conclusion that I would like to persue a career in being a Wardrobe Dresser. How humorous. It's attainable, it's not outside of my reach and I have the motivation to do it.

Get The Party Started.

As usual I pick a career that college can't prepare me for. Yet, without college how was I ever going to discover I liked working backstage and in that way? So I suppose I can't say college didn't lead to this.

My parents are coming down to visit this weekend and they plan on buying me furniture. We also will discuss the comedy that is my taking loans out for school. I'll get to that by the next song, though. I plan on telling my parents that I want to be a dresser. I will also tell them how it's actually a career that people can live comfortably with.

If I eventually get into the Wardrobe Union I will be getting very good pay and health benefits as well as all that other fun stuff people strive for. Like a 401 K. Yes, Dressers have a 401 K. A pension!

Ticky-Tacky-Ticky-Tacky-ummmm

As for loans. My mother calls and tells me that I will need to get a job. The silly woman doesn't understand that I haven't spent five years in college just to "get" a job. I know logical sense says to get one and I will get one. I just fear spending another two years working in a job that ultimately will not do anything for me.

I was a financial printer for two years. I gained immeasurable computer skills and decent pay for a student. In the long run of the life I want to lead. What will knowing how to code in ASCII & HTML or knowing how to layout a page do for me? Does my point make sense?

If I could, I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes.

I will eventually cave in a few days and admit I will need to get a mediocre job in the meantime. I hate it because right now is the time I have the opportunity to work for free as a dresser to gain experience. Yet all I can do is wait for these "opportunities" to come my way. Trust me I have all my resources on the patrol. It's only been three days since the play ended.

I have been getting myself upset because I am looking into the wardrobe career path and as I said I can do it. All I lack is experience outside of college. Apparently college experience counts for squat in the city. Then the Union seems so bizarre with their rules. I can't work Broadway shows until I'm Registered, but I can't be registered until I get experience. So I need to work Off-Broadway (but the economy the way it is, that's more difficult nowadays) and other non-equity shows. Most time this work will be for free, so there won't be an income in any of this.

You are my friend. I never knew it til then. My friend.

Then there's the other option, which would have to come after I graduated. This would be leaving the city. Irony is an overused nowadays. I will need to leave the city in order to work in it. I am not against this option at all, I would tour with a show no problem.

Right now it seems it's going to fall down on luck. As life often does, I just need to hope I stumble upon something and it takes me away. I just know that if I finish college and don't strive for it, there's a big chance this could end up another pipe dream.

I am a defeatist by nature. I have always felt behind. This is the first time though that I refuse to surrender, I know I can do it. For the first time in months I have felt driven, I have felt motivated. Like I know what I want to do out in the world, at least for now. It may seem so funny, while people write of wanting to be a doctor or lawyer. I want to be a Dresser.

Wake from your sleep. The drying of your tears. Today. We escape, we escape.

I'll allow it. I'll allow myself to feel hope. I will try to not give up, as I have in the past. It's a feeling like a knot in your stomach. I have tried a gun-ho approach in the last couple days and my impatience (for I am that way) has expected it to just fall into my lap. Yet, it's been dead end after dead end. If it's not going to the Wardrobe Union for a New Union Members Orientation (an accident), or finding out because my parents made $100,000 dollars in 2007 I can't even do work study through my school (Those that said to stay in college for as long as you can, obviously didn't have the same experience I have been having), or just finding out that there's many dressers out in the world and my experience ranks in low on the totem pole (see above).

As I have hopefully gotten across I am trying. No, not trying. I am doing. It simply must be done.

27 minutes and 54 seconds through. Goodnight.

I win. Joele loses

Someone have been doing this to all her posters in the subways on the N/R line.

You know what this means, right?

I still have the BEST lips in the Sunset Park/Park Slope area. Ha!

I came up with the best youtube series that I am going to try and make a reality. We shall see.

It's The Economy

This was posted as a response on QueeClick — The Porn Blog. This was commenting on the newest Corbin Fisher Photoshoot/Movie:

daddytreat on October 10, 2008 11:51 PM

My 401(k) is near zero and I am depressed. This was just the thing to cheer me up. Wooooooo . . .

The economy is truly affecting us all.

The Road to Oz

Finished Season 3 of Oz tonight. I'm on a roll! Hurrah for a lack of social life. My brother surprisingly called me and told me that he's in the city. I would've liked to have hung out with him, had I not already been in the city today and wanted to save money. Plus it was very last minute. I enjoy my brother's company, but not that much.

I had lunch with a good friend today and we always discuss moving from the city. I like to believe that when I'm with him, nothing can go wrong. For those few hours, I can be worried to hell, but when I talk to him I feel so cal--Well, I feel understood.

I spent another night at home. I haven't been sexually active in about two months. I go to bed and can't sleep. I think about being alone forever. Not to be melodramatic, but I have thought about it. I'd rather have a really good friend who I lived with. Give me a friend like the one mentioned above and I say 'Eh' to dating and relationships.

I am sure if given the option I would turn my back on these beliefs. I was just sitting today and thinking about it. This may get confusing, but try to follow me?

I've slept with a lot of people. We're talking three digits! In my young age, that's pretty up there. I did this because I wanted to. Wise or dumb, the decisions I made were my own. I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to fill in blanks.

During this Odyssey, I had a handful of unsuccessful beginnings of possible relationships. First dates, second dates, third dates. Then done. I also had about three or four more more serious moments where I had to go out of my way and have that conversation we all hate to hear. Then there was the two guys I can consider pseudo-relationships. Who ultimately left me and are now both in serious relationships, apparently.

I know the ins and outs of dating. I've seen it played out on stage. I just don't know those moments, those intimate moments. Those fragile and destructible moments. That in years eventually get broken. I see it all the time. And when you try and get close to someone, they someday take all the secrets you've shared and the promises you've made. They take all that and use it against you. In dating you're ultimately inviting someone into your life who can, in turn, become your worst enemy.

Why do we do that to ourselves?

I guess I see the glass as half empty nowadays. I'm the artist, I'm the dreamer. I'm the one that dies young. Who lived fast and never knew the right places to go. He just went and let the world happen around him. Never really thinking of the future. He had moments of inspiration, but they never amounted to anything. They just sprouted and quickly withered away, waiting for another idea to take it's place.

It's a blue night. Blue, indeed.

The Terror of Being Alone

Well I did it, I spent the day by myself. It was tough, but I manged to put my thoughts in order and not left the house in 72 hours. A sensation within itself. I only felt cabin fever a couple of times. I haven't worn a shirt in a while, it feels nice to be shirtless. I may stay that way forever. Ah, for the days of the warrior.

I worked on my solo performance piece, just writing down pieces of memory of the last couple of months. It's difficult to do, but I want to. To recount what I've chosen to remember and decided to forget. It's a patchwork of writing, I'll piece it together when it's all there.

I have been playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It's the funniest game because half the time the ghetto speak means nothing to me. A character keeps using the term water, but I think he means booze. Stuff like that.

This was meant to go somewhere, but unfortunately it's not.

Things To Be Happy About

Things I am happy for:

• Watching Golden Girls with my roommate who has never seen the series before.
• Getting a package from a friend through blogging. One of my four readers. Beckett on film and Joan Didion. What more could a boy want?
• Re-watching Cowboy Bebop and remembering happiness and times when you didn't lie awake at night. I'm working with the insomnia.
• Seeing Burlesque Shows in Coney Island and knowing that not only are you seeing a forgotten art form and a celebration of the unorthodox body, you are in a place that holds a little bit of Americana, soon to be torn down.
• Knowing you have a voice over in a small independent film and that voice over is: "Cum in my ass." This is my legacy.
  

This quote: In brief, people with self-respect exhibit a certain toughness, a kind of moral verve; they display what was once called character, a quality which, although approved in the abstract, sometimes loses ground to other, more instantly negotiable virtues.

And this quote: They are willing to invest something of themselves; they may not play at all, but when they do play, they know the odds.

Oh, and this one too: As it happens, there is a sound physiological reason, something to do with oxygen, for doing exactly that, but the psychological effect alone is incalculable: it is difficult in the extreme to continue fancying oneself Cathy in Wuthering Heights with one's head in a Food Fair bag.

In short, I am really thankful for Joan Didion. It's amazing how we've lived such separate lives in different times, but I read her books and feel like she's writing letters to me. This is how to dealt with this when it happened to me. Here is how you can deal with it. Don't worry, I know because I've been there.

I know that it's preemptive to say that life is on an good level. It's very early, since we are just beginning another phase of life. Moving onto adulthood and figuring it out. I know it's all for the best, I've yet to really feel regret.

What's nice is in writing this all out, I've completely forgotten what I was going to write that made me angry.

Are You The Gatekeeper?

This old man sits at my subway stop late into the night. He always wears a white suit, straw hat and has a cane. He just sits there and lets the trains go by and keep in mind it's VERY hot in the subways this time of year.

I am trying to figure out the proper phrase I can say that will get him to open the gate to whatever world he is guarding. I think they still call it Bay Ridge.

Remeber This Title...

Appliqueing, Seroconverting and looking for the Rainbow High

That is all for now.

My First Day in my 24th Year

A wonderful friend point out I'm living in my 24th Year. How very Chinese. I have several things to say, but not enough time to say them. So they will have to wait. It's sort of exciting news and a manifesto on my deciding to become anonymous. Which means the Photo-A-Day will be disappearing for good.

E. Iguana is my sobriquet and I feel like I can't really talk about issues that have played a big part in my life recently. I don't necessarily want people to know who this is and to see my picture anymore. I want to discuss issues freely, but not feel as though I'm going to be persecuted. You'll soon find I have a lot of bitschues to discuss.

It's been really slacking around here for a while. And I'm Getting My Act Together and Taking It On The Road as it were! If the four of you don't like it (oh five now, hi Eric) there's the door. I only needed four of you anyway.

Oh and in other news. See Title of Show. It's totally worth it!

A Different Encounter

Today a Photographer came an took some pictures of me for a project he's working on. Call it sketchy, call it whatever. It was fun. He was very nice and we had been talking through emails for almost a week and a half. It was really cool to watch him go about his business with the lighting and the camera.

He even gave me an early birthday present. Which was sweet and strange, but I so loved it. It was an interesting experience and he said he'll give me some of the prints too.

Steam Room: Scene II

Scene II

(IGUANA is in the locker room of the YMCA a week later. I listens to his iPod shuffle and sits on the bench bobbing his head up and down. The MAN enters the locker room and looks around warily. He approaches IGUANA who looks up and nods shyly towards him.)

MAN: (Smiling and quietly.) Hey, it was great to taste you the other day.

IGUANA: Ex--Excuse me? D--Do I know you?

MAN: (Looks around to make sure no one is listening in.) The steam room, about a week ago.

IGUANA: (Remembers immediately) Oh...Oh...Yea. Hi.

MAN: So I have a question for you. Would you like to buy me a drink sometime?

IGUANA: (Hurriedly) Listen it was really hot. I don't normally do that, I just thought it was exciting and you are cute...Excuse me? (Laughs) This is the first time I've ever had an older man ask me to buy him a drink! (Laughs to himself.) Sorry, I didn't mean it that way, I just can't afford a drink for myself right now--

MAN: (Asks this question when IGUANA says 'myself'.) Do you do the drugs?

IGUANA: Pass that by me again?

MAN: Do you do the drugs?

IGUANA: (Looks around) The drugs? Well, sir, whose name I don't even know. You have to be a little more specific. And another thing, I blew you in a steam room. I wasn't asking you on a...

MAN: Pot is absolutely fine. E is tricky, but okay. Coke is the same as E. Shrooms and acid are cool, but must be done in proper situations. (Beat) Meth is the DEVIL! If you do meth, I'm sorry but we can't hookup in the steam room anymore.

IGUANA: (Pauses for a long moment) Hi, have we met yet? I don't know if I'm on the same page as you? What exactly did I do that warrants me this anti-drug talk from someone I just blew--

MAN: (Matter-O-Fact) When we were in the steam room, I noticed your pupils were dilated. So I want to know. Do you do the drugs?

IGUANA: (Raising voice a little) What is it with THE drugs?! (Catches himself) And I don't even know your name! Since you're being so upfront, I'll try to return the favor. I have done everything, I have tried everything. While some drugs I do more often than others I am not a tweaker! Yes, I smoke pot regularly. At that moment nothing was in me when I was in the steam room. So I think that covers the ground base area. So if you're excuse me--

MAN: Do you want to do E with me?

IGUANA: (Lets out a loud laugh, which causes the MAN to become nervous) You're kidding right? Is this a test? Like if I say yes you'll walk away and if I say no you'll continue to entertain me?

MAN: (Misses the joke completely) No. I'm serious I've been wanting to do E. I'm okay with E.

IGUANA: (Pauses for a moment then shrugs.) Sure I haven't done E in a while--

MAN: Do you know where to get some?

IGUANA: Well, with all my drug connections, it'll be easy (Beat) NO! Of course not!

MAN: Oh. That sucks. Well so about that drink?

IGUANA: (Looks around without purpose) So are you for real? Or am I being punished because I broke some divine steam room law?

MAN: Huh?

(Blackout)

Steam Room: Scene I

Scene I

(The steam room in the YMCA. A MAN sits near the back wall with his eyes half closed. He is lounging and seems to be waiting for something. IGUANA enters in a towel and sees MAN. A clever smile appears on his face. Godot has arrived. All the actions that follow are to be done slowly and certainly, until the real action takes place of course.

He sits at an angle so the MAN can see up through his towel. IGUANA too takes a semi-relaxed pose and positions his head so he's not looking at the MAN, but can spy him from the corner of his eye. The MAN seems to have the same idea. Both sit there for some time, letting each other catch glances of one another's bodies through the steam. IGUANA rubs his chest and neck, gently massaging them. He is a cat playing with his mouse before the kill.

The MAN touches his legs and opens his towel a little more. IGUANA stares off into space and knows the game is on. Slowly, IGUANA's hand moves to underneath his towel and he begins to touch himself. The MAN obviously sees this and begins to do the same. IGUANA lets out a silly smile.

IGUANA moves closer to the man. Throughout the rest of the scene they constantly check the door to make sure no one is coming. IGUANA immediately reaches between the MAN's legs and jerks him off. The MAN does the same and begins to jerk IGUANA off. The MAN notices the IGUANA isn't as hard as he is. IGUANA lowers his head down and begins to blow the MAN.

IGUANA lifts up his head and the man follows his example. IGUANA stares at the door. He is nervous, but the exhibition excites him. The MAN lifts up his head and abruptly asks.)

MAN: Have you been partying?

IGUANA: (Panting and wide eyed.) Huh?!

MAN: Have you been doing drugs?

IGUANA: (Taken aback) Wh--What? N--No...I'm just nervous...

(IGUANA continues to blow the man. Bringing his closer to climax.)

MAN: I'm go--gonna cum! I'm gonna... (IGUANA pulls off and follows his example and jerks off and cums. A short pause.) Well, that was hot. Thanks.

(IGUANA jumps up and mumbles something like, "My pleasure." He quickly exits the steam room.)

(BLACKOUT)

Of course this isn't the ending. Stay tuned for more.

The Truth About Pearls...

Best Quote Ever:

Everyone knows that when you wear artificial pearls, the third time someone asks you if they are real and you say yes. They become real.

China Forgotten

I had a moment this morning as I couldn't remember my trip to China at all. How odd, I had to take a moment to remind myself. Was it subsequent events or was that it went so quickly. How could I forget something like that. The memories are all there, I've just seemed to misplaced them. Adding onto that I ran into a kid I went to China with. The thing is I didn't speak to him more than two sentences on the trip. Call me bitchy, but why are you suddenly alert to how I am? I know it was a life changing trip, but we didn't talk in China. Why talk in Brooklyn? Why am I such an asshole?

Then there was the walk to the subway the other night. I was talking to meet my friends for our New Orleans Reunion. As I walked to the R Train I was hit by how strange life is at times. That from November through March I was so content and happy because of The Tall Man. So comfortable in everything. Then I realized it wasn't just that it was my trip to New Orleans and China as well that came then.

In the moment, I saw, as only someone with my powers can see. That to remember China and New Orleans will to forever remember The Tall Man. There can't be happiness without regret and sadness? I can't possibly ignore one without ignoring the other. To forget two wonderful trips just to forget hurt. Or to remember happy moments and always remember the false hopes that were held during that time.

Aw, fuck.