Where to place my thoughts

I can't figure out where to place my thoughts. Parents came, parents went. It was the quickest visit yet. It was rainy and things were mild and well. Mom announced that I was expected home for Easter. To which I need to figure out. These small things stress me out for some odd reason. To put it simply, I don't wish to go home for Easter.

I am having several childhood memories that I am falling into and wading around in. I've been remembering times that are much calmer and fill me with ease. A particular memory that reminds me of Colored Lights by Kander & Ebb. The memory is of when I was visiting my grandparents in Florida when I was probably 15 or 16. I was reading Agatha Christie's mystery novels. I had just discovered Starlight Express and Sunset Blvd. It was so calm. I was stuck in a retirement area and I loved it. We would ride out on my grandparent's slow-moving boat and I would listen to my CD player. Through my new found interest in Sunset Blvd, I was able to see the movie for the first time with my grandmother's help.

These memories comfort me. So strange. I miss those colored lights.

I've found that recently due to events that I have become terrified to be alone. I don't like it, I find myself seeking out the company of friends. Which is a great because it is not my initial reaction to seek the company in a sexual manner. Yet, I dislike it because I am becoming afraid of silence. I'm afraid to deal with thoughts. I feel selfish that I am allowing myself to let it pass. I have days I want to scream and days I want to cry and days where I want nothing but to laugh. I try most for the laughing nowadays.