Time Draws Nigh

The Velvet Rage is almost done. Not for me, but the book. Fascinating, the lot of it. It's obvious, but as the author says at some point. It's not always so obvious at the time. All the anger and hate I've been feeling towards myself. With this book making these issues known, it's helping me actually be able to articulate them for once.

I have two Sunday classes left, one of them being the final for Philosophies of India and China. That's the one final I'm terrified of, I don't know how I'll necessarily pass any of them. This ones gonna be the most difficult though. These two weeks will pass and suddenly it will all be done. With a hoot and a holler I will be done. Five years to get to a point of complete confusion.

In an ironic turn of events. I got a jury summons in the mail. They want me there on the day I walk in graduation. I laughed for a long while upon receiving that one. I'll postpone, but still. Hah!

I had a date on Friday. It was unexpected. I need to go back a few days though . . .

On Tuesday I visited my drag queen friend at a bar where she was hosting the night. It was rainy and empty when I entered. My friend came up and said, "Hi honey, wanna win $50 bucks in a Hot Package Contest?" Of course I said yes.

There was no competition and I stripped down to my undies. I won because it was me against a go-go boy and a mail clerk. Plus, I knew most of the people in the bar, still it was very empty. I could use the 50 bucks. After my lackluster performance I jumped off stage and an older man sitting near my friends was looking at me.

I mentioned I had Judy Garland tattoo'd on my rib cage and the man chimed in that he was so impressed that a person my age would have that sort of tattoo. That night I got drunk so incredibly quickly that I was highly talkative when he began our discussion.

Considering on Monday the Vespa-Rider decided to play the 5th in a long line of reoccurring situations. I was not going to deny a man's conversation. I was drinking and he was incredibly polite. I learned he was a film professor spending some time visiting friends in the city—he teaches in Boston—and he gave me his card. I thought nothing off it. I knew he was probably somewhere in his forties and in the lighting I couldn't tell if he was attractive or not. Plus, I was drunk.

I returned home and went to bed. I thought nothing of the polite gestures and figured it would end there. On Thursday, he called me to talk. It's been a while since a man could discuss theater, film and the arts. I told him I was 23 and I heard him have a small stroke over the phone. I told him not to worry, these things don't bother me.

I figured a date couldn't hurt. We set up plans for Friday. He learned from my stripping that I had a nice body, I'm unemployed and I have a Judy Garland tattoo. So he took me to dinner and the ballet.

Yes, dinner and the ballet. We spoke so eloquently and got along very well. I learned he was 44, but that doesn't bother me, as I said. He was a gentleman. After the ballet we walked around the park and held hands. We laid on the grass and made out. I told him no more that that, I have plenty to reveal in other days.

It was a positive experience overall. I'm taking it with a grain of salt and we shall see.

In other news, I had dinner with The ShyGuy. He was curt with me tonight because of his new medicine. I care about him more than he possibly will ever know. I don't like to be scolded for simple things and I told him, "I'm going home after dinner." He apologized, but it hurt me. He's already so hard to read, I don't need to suffer from anything more. He knows this, it's funny what we feel for ones we care about.

The Danger Party

Last night the ShyGuy and I went to the Brooklyn Masonic Temple and attended the Danger Party.

It reminded me of a cross between short bus and a rave. We took some shrooms to begin the night and then someone offered us Mali, which is the "purest part of E". Which I took two and really feel I was tricked. Straight people don't understand their drugs. Then someone sold us a pill of what I guess was actual E. ShyGuy made that decision, I just decided why not?

Yes, yes the chemicals! The dangers. These are the challenges of life. All I really got from all that is night sweats and I started rolling when I was in bed. Cause I couldn't fall asleep.

The party was multiple rooms. The upstairs being a auditorium with bleechers and movie projections and the downstairs acting like a rave, which is essentially as I said the above room was. There was also ice sculptors and ladies eating fire. People were dressed as various ideas dealing with the bail out. It was fascinating to see who showed up, yet I was there too. I felt I was there more for a sociology project. I always see myself observing things, never partaking in them. Telling!

I was by far one of the youngest people there, but there were a few. So many people were just fucked up, like publicly fucked up. It was a liberating feeling. It was fairly interesting music and the setting was fascinating. The people who show'd up were numerous and older, but a lively sort of crowd.

I can see why after about one of these you would be over it.

The Aria for the Night

I am home and going to sleep soon. Soon being a relative term. I rolled out of bed today with all the ill intentions of a villain committing a crime. Instead, I saw a recital and had dinner with new friends who have come into my life.

I reflected on issues in my head about the ShyGuy and what happened earlier this week. I put the problems of his, ahead of my own. I don't know what that means, except that I am growing up. Such childish reasons to be an adult, because a REAL adult won't get his act together. 31-years-old and relapsing. I can't even cry about my petty issues for a moment.

As I said, I'm growing up.

Growing, growing. We advance in maturity and I mistake life lessons for passing moments. Only to stumble upon them later, discarded like stickers than fell to the floor. Still sticky with growth, but slightly used.

I want to prove that I'm growing. That I'm progressing. It's terrifying. Let's see. . .

This week I went to an interview and I held myself at bay. I didn't freak out at the cattle call of it all. How people were ushered in and out. It was merely a barbacking gig. Minus the E and with all the respect too. If I procure this, I will count my blessings. Who knows, who truly knows.

As you can see, I am trying to prove my growth to you, for this is the only documentation I have of it. I am finished with school, mentally.

Spring break begins this Wednesday. My support group ends this Monday. I am visiting my parents this Saturday. There are so many days to do things, when will I rest? Yet, I am at rest now.

A Closed Letter

Dear ShyGuy,

I know you hit a low point in your life and I respect that. I am upset regardless. You lied to me twice and as a result have blown me off twice so you could do things you yourself know you should not be doing.

On all the days of the year when I needed someone to be with me. This was the day you decided to reveal what you've done. In a way it helps because I realize I am in a much saner place than I was last year. Yet, I still wept for you and myself.

I want to be there for you, but I feel hurt and let down by this all. I hope you are able to get your act turned around, but I don't know if I have the strength to deal with it. I am sorry.

Sincerely,
E.Iguana

On April Fool's Day

A year ago today, around 11 PM actually.

I lost my grip on most everything. I broke down for hours crying over the man who got away and the life I could no longer feel in control of.

It's a year later. I may be stood up again on this same day. Let's try and be stronger. Let's try.

Sadness in the Form of a Day

I have been spending the night with the ShyGuy, yes, I'm braking my usual rules. We haven't "slept" together because he has a nice potpourri of issues that get in the way. I really know how to pick them. He's on a bevy of medications that stop his already silent personality. In turn, sleeping next to him turns more into a question of, "Why am I not in my own bed right now?"

I enjoy him, but underneath the shyness there is something missing. I put myself into this position and will give it some more time. We're not dating, I don't think we are. I know that I would rather be away from him right now, not necessarily near him. Once again, I accept that that I put myself into this situation.

The group of friends I am creating through my support group is nice. They wanted to try out for softball tomorrow, then things got difficult. I can't afford the $100 fee and I don't own a mitt. I feel like a quitter, but just these are circumstances outside of my control.

My insomnia has returned, so I feel as if something has brought it about. I've run out of Ambien and like Judy Garland I am going through the shakes. Today I woke up feeling like I'd been through an all night bender. My headached and I slept until noon. Thus today has been so off. Oh so off.

My roommate leaves for two months on the 30th. I know she's returning, but I feel so stoic. She gets to go on a fun and wild adventure and I sit at home. Always at home. I'm happy for her though and it will be great for her to see the world. I have always wanted to see the world, I'll get my chance again someday.

All these complaints. I know there are good things. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will not go to softball practice or ShyGuy's rugby game. Tomorrow I shall try reclaiming myself. I am going to be selfish, I do love these new friends and all they want to do, but I can't do it right now. I just cannot.