I have been spending the night with the ShyGuy, yes, I'm braking my usual rules. We haven't "slept" together because he has a nice potpourri of issues that get in the way. I really know how to pick them. He's on a bevy of medications that stop his already silent personality. In turn, sleeping next to him turns more into a question of, "Why am I not in my own bed right now?"
I enjoy him, but underneath the shyness there is something missing. I put myself into this position and will give it some more time. We're not dating, I don't think we are. I know that I would rather be away from him right now, not necessarily near him. Once again, I accept that that I put myself into this situation.
The group of friends I am creating through my support group is nice. They wanted to try out for softball tomorrow, then things got difficult. I can't afford the $100 fee and I don't own a mitt. I feel like a quitter, but just these are circumstances outside of my control.
My insomnia has returned, so I feel as if something has brought it about. I've run out of Ambien and like Judy Garland I am going through the shakes. Today I woke up feeling like I'd been through an all night bender. My headached and I slept until noon. Thus today has been so off. Oh so off.
My roommate leaves for two months on the 30th. I know she's returning, but I feel so stoic. She gets to go on a fun and wild adventure and I sit at home. Always at home. I'm happy for her though and it will be great for her to see the world. I have always wanted to see the world, I'll get my chance again someday.
All these complaints. I know there are good things. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I will not go to softball practice or ShyGuy's rugby game. Tomorrow I shall try reclaiming myself. I am going to be selfish, I do love these new friends and all they want to do, but I can't do it right now. I just cannot.
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