Iguana Is Done with School

I did it.

I feel the chains releasing.

I want to say more but I'm on my way out the door soon to go to my soon to be new neighborhood. Yes it's so true. I am officially moving at the end of this month. Not just to anywhere, but to Park Slope. Beautiful, beautiful Park Slope. I know I shouldn't be discussing this, but I feel it's okay now. The Year of Magical Thinking is done and I'm allowed to move on.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Yesterday...

No longer than yesterday...

I'm so flustered to know the summer is here again. That I can actually sit and relax again. The marathon is done and I have finished at a good pace. Not first place but I did pretty well.

Today I finished reading, The Year of Magical Thinking. One of the best personal looks into a life of a woman who suffered so much loss in such a small amount of time. If I believed in love (which I do, but not sure if I'll ever find it) I wouldn't know what to think if my husband dropped dead in front of me. Then three months later my daughter underwent emergency brain surgery. I wouldn't know what to think, let alone write an entire book about it. But what a book. Read it if you get a chance.

It made me realize how this year (May 15th as mentioned in previous entries) has been my own personal year of magical thinking. I just don't know how to turn it into a book. Perhaps someday.

I was in a live DVD recording of Kiki & Herb performance. It'll be in stores someday soon, considering it's their first DVD ever. I'll be in the audience cheering on. It was amazing.

Back to finals...

I made the finals my own. I didn't worry once. Yes I have a couple of nervous issues with them, but I made them my own. I got them all done, much sooner than everyone else AND I did them all very well. My drafting final, that I was most nervous about, what did I do? Oh I made it my bitch. I finished it WAY sooner than anyone else. I have my shit together, always and pretty much forever.

And in that, I am very proud to be an American.

I walked down the streets of Crown Heights the other day, thinking of leaving it. As I looked at the chicken bones on the street, the black neighbors arguing loudly in front of their small children and someone was making chicken out of a barrel (converted into a grill) that was painted Jamaican colors (and a bottle of Sunny-D sat next to it). I thought. You really can't get this kind of atmosphere living in Manhattan.

It's real life.

This is what comes to mind when I think of Crown Heights. A Mixture of ghetto, with class:

Iguana's Moon for the Misbegotten

365 days (yesterday). One year. 8,760 hours. Really not matter how you put it, yesterday was the mark of one year.

I have be living in the city, well existing is more like it. Tomorrow marks the last day of classes. It's like markers of my life are coming at me both left and right.

I also found out yesterday that my living situation may have finally taken a turn for the much better. Which lead my to breath a sigh of relief seeing as my Internet in my apartment have been VERY shitty.

"The bill is paid" Quoth my scummy landlord. YEA BULLSHIT. Is how I respond in my mind. I've been stealing off of some illegal connection that goes in and out every couple of minutes. It's not fun, trust me.

Also the gross sandy (possibly fecal matter, but it doesn't smell like that) leak has been coming out of the bottom of the toilet. Then the cockroaches have been getting larger. Apparently, my French roommate (did I mention I live in the United Nations practically) has no caught on seeing as he's leaving food out in the open constantly.

I refuse to speak more of the living situation cause I have learned that things like this are fleeting and I'm very superstitious about it all. If I talk to much it may disappear like many of the other places I've been interested in. So let's leave it as such. I will be sure to talk about it, the day I move in.

I have moved 4 times in the last year...4 times. How many people have moved 4 times in their life? I haven't been able to acquire large possessions because I never know when I am moving again. Not to mention for the last seven months I've been eating trail mix and dried fruit. Oh to actually food shop again will be amazing!

Oh I'm getting ahead of myself.

Also it looks like I'm on the verge of being in a relationship of some kind. Once again I'm not really going to get into. It's a guy that I've probably mentioned before. He's older but has a childish personality, he seems to like me. I like him too. It's just strange, it's actually very comforting. For the first time in a while have I met someone who talks almost as much as me. It's pleasant and comforting in it's own special way.

That's all for now. I felt I deserved a nice entry for a second.

Iguana's Newest Anthem

Just wait until my 22nd birthday this July. This song will be playing all day!!!

Happy Birthday — Diane Langton — I'm Getting My Act Together and Taking it on the Road!

"I've got these arms that can reach out,
I've got these eyes that can see.
I've got this voice that can sing,
celebration of me.

And I don't know what's coming,
But this new day feels fine!
Cause I woke up this morning
and the face in the mirror was mine!

Chorus:
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!

I've got these friends I can count on,
and they can love and let be.
I've got these feet than can dance,
celebration of me!

And I don't know what's coming,
but I am my own design!
And my whole life is a poem,
and the words and the rhythm are mine!

Chorus:
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!

This was the day I was born!
This is the day I begin!
With the rain still tap dancing
on my head!

The sun is starting to grin,
Happy birthday, happy birthday,
happy birthday!

And I don't know what's coming,
but this new day feels fine!
Cause I woke up this morning,
and the face in the mirror was mine!

Chorus:
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!"

You really need to hear it to get it's glorious feeling and how 70s/80s fantastic it is!!

Iguana Is Breaking the Glass Menagerie

Last week I was a mess I'll admit. But not without good reason. One reason being what I am about to explain here. I think my Gentleman Caller is going to be leaving my life very soon. The unicorn has been broken and well he's about to take his leave.

In all honesty, I'm not 100% sure why. He's been acting very strangely towards me, I haven't done anything wrong as far as I can tell. It all really started last Saturday when he went with me to view this apartment. I was a little down afterwards and he just outwardly said to me, "You've been complaining A LOT lately." Just like that. When aside from the moment (and this journal doesn't count because that's part of why it's here.

I found this rude and inappropriate because I think I'm allowed to complain a touch. I'm in the final weeks of school and have a lot of work. I had to spend two weeks working on my school play, while I had to balance doing finals backstage. I am going on my year anniversary of shitty living, and I am trying to move while doing all this school stuff.

Yes Gentleman Caller, I do have a little to complain about, and because a nice apartment in a beautiful neighborhood that I just saw may or may not be open to me. I can be a little sad and mopey afterwards!! And just earlier that week I told him I am there for him whenever he has a problem, and he's basically telling me to shut my mouth!

So that aside onto the REAL fun...

So Monday I get a weird call from my Ex-bf about the HIV rumor. So at the time my Gentleman Caller (at this point he had apologized for what he said on Saturday) was on G-Chat and I said, "Weird things are happening to me." And he responded to it with, "Send me an email."

Now before I continue, I want to point out that he offered that option. He invited me to tell him this...

This is the email I sent him:

"Apparently I'm well known, but for all the wrong reasons.

So way back when, like last year almost I had this threesome with this couple. I'm not sure I told you but it was freaky. It was the threesome where the one guy decided in the middle he didn't WANT to have threesomes anymore and it turned into this screaming match while the one was fucking me. Yea, fucked up, I know. I lived in Bay Ridge then, long ago.

So anyway, my ex, from a while ago too. Tells me that he's been talking to them, they're in some fucked up relationship. They fight everyday and the one guy apparently tells my Ex everything. Free Therapy. So apparently the crazier of the two hangs out with this group of slutty guys. I am assuming they probably go on manhunt and I guess he is telling people (when I'm brought up into conversation I suppose??) that I'm HIV+. Now this was all told to me secondhand, but WHAT?

I told my Ex to dig a little more. Like who is this group of slutty people? What exactly is the extent of this rumor? And what the fuck? It was 101 years ago that this failed threesome happened.

I'm not really shaken, but I don't like when people talk about me without my knowing in general. If it's under these terms it really makes me weirded out. The fact that it GOT back to me is what stirs my soul just a tad. Obviously it's enough that if I'm mentioned, that topic will come up.

So anyway, this is why I don't deal with younger men anymore. They are insane and hate me for what I am."

Now this was written past midnight so I went to bed cause I had to wake up at 6 am.

The next morning I wake up and head to the gym, but not before checking my email...Here is what his response was:

"i'm sorry to hear about this verrrry strange rumor.

about your last sentence... you yourself are very young and quite often show your youth, as you do in that last sentence. you sound like a 12 year old complaining about the school bully. Do you realize that?

Anyways, I'll talk to ya later - take it easy."

Now maybe I'm over reacting to be offended by this response. Why is the longest sentence about me complaining again? Why is the point of my email REALLY ignored to the fact I made one sentence that made me sound young.

Wait. I am 21.

I wrote a response but I can't find it, but basically I brought up these points and more. It was past midnight, I was exhausted, confused and trying to bring humor to a situation. So I wrote him a big email asking him why he felt he needed to remind me of this fact, why that sentence stood out to much he needed to point it out to me. Why nothing else in the email seemed worthy of bringing up. I also told him perhaps because I forgot to mention the guy who's telling the rumor is 23, maybe that helps him understand. I told him I'm not mad, I'd just like clarification.

It's been five days and he hasn't bothered to write back. Plus when I tried to G-chat with him he said, I need to reply before we speak.

He broke the unicorn.

Iguana Takes his Meds

I am going to sound so bipolar. Every other day I am depressed and complaining about something. Then the next day things are swell, then the next day things suck again.

Today is sort of a good day. Well yesterday was, but I'm counting today since it's today and yesterday was yesterday.

Moving along. I really don't want to talk about things for sure cause I'm afraid I'll jinx them as I always do! So I'll give you the gist of it and you can wait for full explanations later.

1. I have an internship! A casting intern (and perhaps other things) on pretty big movie sequel!!
2. I may have found an apartment. That's all on that one since if I talk further I WILL jinx it.
3. School's almost over/plays almost done/semester is through. I will so be doing the summer thing, not like some of my friends who want to graduate as quickly as possible and are taking summer classes. I am not this summer. I don't have the heart to do it.
   
4. Another boy in my school thinks I'm cute. What is this sudden arrival of all the guys who think I'm cute and want to talk to me. I feel sometimes I should be a statue because people find me so pleasing to the eye, but the moment I talk I seem to scare them off. My friend says, "It's okay to let out all those aspects of your life to him...as the relationship DEVELOPS!! On your first date no mention of staph, scabies, crack den or your whorish past." I agree, but for me it seems easier said than done. So we shall see where this one goes...who knows nowadays.
5. I got the best musical EVER!!! It's called I'm Getting My Act Together and Taking it on the Road. I know what a title right? Well it's so fucking good. Betty Buckley apparently did it at one point in her career and what would I give to get a copy of that? I would give a lot. It's about a woman who is a performer and is turning 39 and she's trying to create a new act. So it's just songs from it. The opening number and the final number are astounding to me. I have been listening to Happy Birthday, over and over again!

That is all for now, who knows what tomorrow brings....

Iguana Asks for Strength

Time is wearing me thin. My nerves are shot. Today was the worst to date. The absolute worst.

I'm losing control.

"You're running out of steam, trying to chase that dream."

I'm stressing, losing thought, sleeping in stolen moments.

The only highlight of my day was looking at this apartment in Park Slope. That good moment was crushed, stopped suddenly when the person called to tell me, they had to cancel. But not just cancel, but tell me the apartment won't be available by June 1st and probably not until July...POSSIBLY. Yea.

"Pleasing everyone has not been fun."

So I had a small nervous episode. I went into the city and got a hair cut. I needed to shed something. I bought two CDs I didn't need and I had other issues. It's been tough these last few weeks. VERY tough.

"I think I'll change my attitude."

Someone suggested taking summer classes today. To help accelerate my graduation process. I laughed, thought about it. And then realized I'm not emotionally ready to continue school during the summer. When am I supposed to feel like a human being? I want to get out like everyone else, but I can't, I just can't. Is that a normal feeling?

May 15th.

It's a sad day for me. A day that will be hard to get through. That's why I bought a ticket for The Moon for the Misbegotten on that day. Which explains my life, at least title wise. May 15th marks 365 days of travel. Of living without a place to call home.

Those who have said it takes a year to get settled in this city better be telling the truth. I know it won't happen on the day, but it would be magical if it did. You don't know the tears the well up in my eyes when I think of how a dream of living peacefully and happily somewhere in the city remained just that. A dream.

The pain of feeling so disconnected from the world. So not part of it. Part of anything. I haven't watched TV in 365 days. I haven't eaten a REAL home cooked meal in 365 days. I haven't slept in a bed that I call my own in 365 days.

It's so quick how a year goes by and so cruel what this feeling is. I want to keep fighting, I really do. I want to FIGHT until I can't move anymore. I have battled, I have scars. But I also want to rest. I want to have a moment where I look around my room and smile cause I am happy.

I can hide pain so well. I of all people know how to smile when things are low.

"I remember sky, it was blue as ink.

Or at least I think, I remember sky."

Iguana's Hot Stuff Update

In a strange turn of events something weird happened. Something I didn't foresee...

Well let me start at the beginning. So as I last told you the Viola player and I saw each other again. He casually, almost nonchalantly, invited me to see his two dogs after the show today. He apparently is a big Dog person and loves his two dogs very much. Does this mean he hasn't been dating much? Perhaps?

So the show went on and I found a possible apartment, which seemed so promising, and turned out to be a complete and utter bust. It was a nice place, but I'd have to pay the same rent (if not more) that I pay now and it's sort of a dirty space and it would be leased month to month, and I don't want that! Thank God these questions were answered before I totally agreed. I digress.

On the train ride to the place who sits down next to me but, the Viola player. I know! We chat and I ask him if he is still up for meeting after I see this place, he says no problem.

The apartment goes by, etc. Life sucks in that aspect, but I'll live.

So I meet up with him. Now I don't necessarily know what this is. A date, a meeting, really a chance to just see his dogs. Next thing I know he invites me to get something to eat. A simple dinner turned into a long walk to Park Slope and a nice conversation.

He's very sweet.

So we return back to his place and I want to crawl under a rock and die, but I had my word vomit. Where I told him about my unlucky year. He sort of asked and I couldn't help it! So I felt stupid inside, thinking, "Oh Jesus he now thinks I'm a freak with issues." So I tell him I'm gonna head out and to my utter surprise...

We kissed.

What? I didn't see that coming, honestly. He regarded me more as a friend I thought...Plus I made a fool of myself only minutes before. I was mortified and he kissed me, like KISSED me goodnight.

I was wobbly. I got on the wrong train going in the opposite direction.

Iguana Is Hot Stuff

Apparently I have become a hot commodity at Brooklyn College. This week I have been approached by so many gay men, etc. One has a crush on me, um what is this high school? It's cute, until I learned who it was (well I think it is) and I know he is NOT my type.

Then I have finally discovered where all the gay men are. Certainly not in the Theatre Department. They are in the Music Department! ALL OF THEM! I discovered this when A. One hit on me, which I will get to in a second and B. Many of the music students are performing in a Opera (orchestra obviously) down the hall from the dressing rooms and they apparently all LOVE me. They keep giving me looks, like cutesy eyes and such.

So to my little tale. So on Monday I was heading to the Costume shop to get ready for the show and I make eye contact with this guy who his carrying his instrument. We then proceed to perform this weird circling routine. Where we kept crossing paths, but wondering if we should just go to our respective destinations. Finally after making eye contact for the 20,000 time I walked up and said, "Hello."

We only spoke for a moment, he's cute but shy and awkward. It's nice. He is a Viola player and is getting his grad. So here's what that means in my mind...

I did what I often do when I meet a guy I think is cute, which has always had disastrous results in the past, but I still do it. In those short couple of minutes speaking...

I planned out life together.

Well he is a musician, so that must mean he has some cultural background. Probably not theatre, but enough that we can go to the NY Opera when the seasons starts next fall. He's probably 25/26 (well he looked that age with his acne and shyness), which means that he's older, but he's not old enough to support me for the rest of our life together. Not that I need support, but I don't want to have to pay the bill when he comes up short because his last gig was canceled.

He lives near me, but in a better part of the neighborhood, so the move won't be far. His shyness is a littler unsettling because if he doesn't like theater, we may always have little to talk about. And when we do talk it will be strange and always like the first date. Which could be fun, but also a problem.

Then there is the issue off sex. I don't know how musicians work, but he seems shy enough that he probably hasn't been with that many men. He looks completely monogamous. Which is VERY sweet, but am I ready for that? Maybe I can break his old fashioned ways and "corrupt" him slightly, you know, so things will have a little spice in them!

When he finishes his Grad, and if he makes it big. Perhaps performing for the NY Philharmonic, I will be the Viola player's partner, probably not going to be famous. So can I handle always being in the background? All those concert premieres? Taking care of the house and making sure his tux is cleaned for a show? Will I be like Laura Brown and just crack one day and run away to Canada?

Time would tell I suppose.

So after several days, and not asking for his number, since we had JUST met. I left it to fate. If I meet this boy again, he is worthy of looking into. At the advice of a friend I looked him up on Facebook.com. Only to discover something that changed my whole perspective. He's not 25, but in fact he's 34! Which means he's the perfect age for me! I knew his skin looked older!

So I regretted not getting his number. I figured it would amount to nothing and quickly turned our meeting into a delightful little anecdote. So cut to Thursday and I am in my drafting class telling my friends about our meeting and laughing about it. Making jokes that he is my lover...

20 minutes later...

He stops by the class room to say hello. How strangely serendipitous! So it's a go. The thing is he is very shy it seems. So it's hard to talk to him, I can't tell if he REALLY is interested in me, or just wants to be friends.

A shocking fact I found out about him last night was he has a Prince Albert. Yea, so that innocence thing about Music Majors, totally wrong I guess. I made a joke about the reason I had 6 piercings and 6 tattoos is because I like to feel pain. I have a high tolerance. He gives me a skeptical look and I wanted to say, "Listen bub! Don't cast that look when you have a piece of metal in your penis!" Agreed?

Iguana is Doing it for Himself

Okay, it's almost done I am doing this...doing it well. I am going to finish on a high note. I am running on high, but the fuel tank is almost empty I feel.

There's a lot, I am not certain of. Hello love.

I am seeing an apartment this Saturday in between plays. Yea I'm that multi talented. After one show ends I'm running to the train and seeing this apartment. Is it unreasonable that I invited my Gentleman Caller since he agreed to help me look at apartments.

And now life really begins...

Every day presents a new challenge. I think if life is going to work out well, this is the time for it to do it. I really believe my luck is changing. With my luck on the ascendancy. Yea that doesn't make sense, but I'm going with it babe, I'm going with it!

It's hard sometimes, life is truly difficult, but we survive, that's how it works. I am showing my endurance and keeping my spook/blue devil at bay. I smile, smile. My issues are greater than anyone else, but they are my own and I can show you that I know how to handle it.

Go to it.

I think I had a small nervous episode yesterday. Yes, full and true. Picture it if you will.

I got a ticket to Coast of Utopia Part 2 yesterday. I was thrilled on Saturday when I got it, bidding my favorite play of the year a sweet goodbye. Waiting eagerly for South Pacific to arrive. Then the week happened. The entire first act I sat there thinking, I shouldn't be here, I need to do work, I need to get to school, I need to buy food, I am so hungry, when will this thinking end? So when intermission came I got out of my seat, got my bag and just walked out of Lincoln Center. I never felt more like a betrayer. The play is by no means awful, and the second act is immaculate in my opinion, and I skipped it. I was in a daze, my mind wasn't working properly.

God I'm a dancer, a dancer dances.

Iguana Is Nearing The End...

Why do I always feel horny nowadays? It's like with the Spring comes my sexual side. OY. I feel like I can't control it. It won't be good for my dating life...But the guy I am seeing is very sweet and nice. So I may keep it inside.

"I was in love with a man, big time! And that time of my life was not a good time."

So much work, so little time. It's almost like my teachers are TRYING to promote that mental breakdown I'm almost having. Today I find out that I have to write an 8 page paper for my Acting class, amongst doing the scene with my emotionless partner. My emotionless JEWISH partner. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But she's not allowed to wear pants EVER. What? Oh and that 8 page paper BULLSHIT I find out is due...May 8th. Well suck my cock you talentless Lesbian (she really is a Lesbian and I feel she's talentless, she has a generic last name and therefore cannot be google'd) but I finished like 5 of the pages today!

"So I ran, bought a pair of sneakers and ran..."

The Comedy of Errors is TIGHT! The show is only an hour and thirty minutes with no intermission and it ZOOMS by. The costumes are REALLY beautiful. Very Oriental in design. I wish I had a picture of the leads costumes. It's beautiful. I can't wait for it to be over though, I really can't. Then that means one week of hell and I'm done...well sort of. I'd much rather not discuss it, okay?

"If you're hating your life, big time! Then you gotta take steps to have a good time..."

I want it to end, school is destroying me. Something fun happened the other day. I got hit on by another student at my school. It was this awkward circling in, we both made eye contact and kept walking in circles and smiling at one another. Finally I said hello and it was so awkward cause I don't think either of us thought we'd do it. Then I went to facebook and found him, he's 34, I love him MORE now.

"Now I love myself! And everybody can, all because I ran..."

Speaking of love and relationships. I'm still seeing that guy I've been dating. He was on business last week, and now I start my play week so I'm not free until night time. However, I like to sleep in his arms. He wants to take me to Florida in June. I feel awful because I have NEVER had a man offer to take me anywhere. Plus I'm not good at talking about the future in any sense of the term.

Questions like, "What do you plan to do with your life?" Or, "Would you like to go to Mexico next spring break?" Put me into silence and sometimes make me very tense. Like he mentions Florida in June, that's a month away. Barely. Last night he says, "So I was looking at prices to fly to _______(I forget the place we'd fly to) and then rent a car and drive to Miami..." And I just walked next to him and said softly, "That sounds like it would be a fun time." I can't even bring myself to say, "That sounds great! I can't wait!" Because I've never done something like that and never expect to.

It's foolish really, REALLY foolish. I hate the idea of him thinking I'm taking advantage of him or something. Oh goodness my head is to filled to process this.

But now I REALLY wanna go to Florida.