Iguana Asks for Strength

Time is wearing me thin. My nerves are shot. Today was the worst to date. The absolute worst.

I'm losing control.

"You're running out of steam, trying to chase that dream."

I'm stressing, losing thought, sleeping in stolen moments.

The only highlight of my day was looking at this apartment in Park Slope. That good moment was crushed, stopped suddenly when the person called to tell me, they had to cancel. But not just cancel, but tell me the apartment won't be available by June 1st and probably not until July...POSSIBLY. Yea.

"Pleasing everyone has not been fun."

So I had a small nervous episode. I went into the city and got a hair cut. I needed to shed something. I bought two CDs I didn't need and I had other issues. It's been tough these last few weeks. VERY tough.

"I think I'll change my attitude."

Someone suggested taking summer classes today. To help accelerate my graduation process. I laughed, thought about it. And then realized I'm not emotionally ready to continue school during the summer. When am I supposed to feel like a human being? I want to get out like everyone else, but I can't, I just can't. Is that a normal feeling?

May 15th.

It's a sad day for me. A day that will be hard to get through. That's why I bought a ticket for The Moon for the Misbegotten on that day. Which explains my life, at least title wise. May 15th marks 365 days of travel. Of living without a place to call home.

Those who have said it takes a year to get settled in this city better be telling the truth. I know it won't happen on the day, but it would be magical if it did. You don't know the tears the well up in my eyes when I think of how a dream of living peacefully and happily somewhere in the city remained just that. A dream.

The pain of feeling so disconnected from the world. So not part of it. Part of anything. I haven't watched TV in 365 days. I haven't eaten a REAL home cooked meal in 365 days. I haven't slept in a bed that I call my own in 365 days.

It's so quick how a year goes by and so cruel what this feeling is. I want to keep fighting, I really do. I want to FIGHT until I can't move anymore. I have battled, I have scars. But I also want to rest. I want to have a moment where I look around my room and smile cause I am happy.

I can hide pain so well. I of all people know how to smile when things are low.

"I remember sky, it was blue as ink.

Or at least I think, I remember sky."