The Problem with Harring

A Point-to-Point if you will. . .

• The first two weeks of his Mexico trip he texted me constantly. Telling me he missed me , he couldn't wait to see me, when he came home he was going to be very intense, etc.
  
• The last week I did not hear a word from him. When I would text him there would not be a reply as there was the first two weeks.
  
  
• He could NOT wait to see me when he got home.
• When he got home I did not even hear a word from him until I called him the next day and then his response was just sort of, "Hi."
  
  
• I opened myself up and said, "I missed you more than I expected while you were gone."
  
• He responded with silence. Nothing.
  
  
• He told me we've hang out tonight [meeting time was tentatively 8 o'clock] and that he would call some time to talk about it.
• 8 o'clock rolls around. Nothing. In my wonderful way I call and text him. Instead of asking "What's up?" I send: Are you blowing me off?
• He calls me back and asks me what is up. "You've been acting strange since I returned home." I admit I have been strange, but no stranger than you.
  
  
• I respond that I will tell him fully when I see him. I say this as the movie I am working on is going crazy and I just exposed raw nerves at the support group last night and I have missed him for weeks.
• He ends up canceling because he thinks he is getting a cold.
  
  
• I call him on the way home and tell him I didn't mean to be weird or paranoid.
• He was understanding and told me that he wants to get to know me. To be myself.

Now, while I agree with his last suggestion. From here on out I will be nothing but myself. He does not know that the notion that someone would just lose interest in me is hardly a fairytale in my life. I am terrified of opening myself up to anyone and I am trying to do this well.

My intuition is ringing out like a school bell. I have ideas and thoughts that have brought about this paranoia.

Yet, here is what is going to happen. . .

After all this was finished and I was riding home on the train. A man got on and looked at me. We rode home and I felt him looking at me. He was a tall man, not handsome, but a unique beauty was in his face. He wasn't ugly by far, but taller than a normal man and possibly bald under his winter cap.

In that moment I knew what was wrong with my equilibrium. I am not giving myself enough credit. I woke up today at 6 am, ran 4.30 miles (with a cold mind you!) I went to class, came home and did homework. Made myself hot for the meeting that never happened. I went to Manhattan, bought some plays for class, went to the Designer for the movie and worked until 10 PM.

The powerful being I am is beyond me. I am doing so much and I am allowing myself to fall apart over a guy. To let Harring rule my emotions and cause me to sound like a stuttering fool!

Not anymore. I still like him and wish to see him (perhaps it will happen sometime soon) again. No more paranoia though. If in Mexico he tells me of some Folgers man who came over the hills of Merida, riding on his mule. That they had a passionate tryst and that's why he stopped texting me. I can only reply with, "That was your choice."

I walk down the street and I see eyes. I see attractive men seeing me, looking at me. It makes me smile. I know anyone of these guys I could go up and strike a conversation, if I wanted to. For the moment I want to direct my attention towards Harring. I want to, that's why I don't just sleep with just anyone anymore. I know how nice it feels to sleep with the person you WANT to. If he wants to abuse his right and sleep with others and then show interest in me still. That is fine, I can expect no more or less these days.

Harring has been moved to the back burner. He decided that himself and I am okay with that. I will see him when I see him. I like him, but I was rash and thought his advances were sincere. He wants to spend time getting to know one another, I want to get to know him, but in order to do that. You actually need to see the person.