While I Breath for a Moment

I'm taking the night to relax for a moment. I've been doing various things for the little independent movie and I haven't had a moment to just breath. I'm breathing right now. Winter Break has almost come to an end and what did I do?

I went home for oh so long and discovered more than I wanted. Which is usual of every visit it seems. I worked in a warehouse for a few weeks, helping organize Forbidden Broadway costumes. I am working on a film as a Wardrobe Supervisor.

I met Harring and lost him to the sun in Mexico. He returns Sunday and I just know it won't be easy. I wish he hadn't escaped so quickly and I had this time of leisure to have become more acquainted with him. I admit that my body has missed the physical attraction. I have felt withdrawal symptoms in my body. The struggle to not feel lonely.

I like his company, but I believe that I only got the brief illusion of what Harring is. Debonair and charming. I want to see what this extreme personality brings out before I begin to let myself fall for it's charm and glamor.

I want to get to know him more, which is the grown thing to do. I believe in lasting relationships. People change their tune so quickly at our age. Harring wants kids and five child family. Ha! Everyone knows my womb cannot bear offspring. Plus, five?! I can do one or two with the time span of 15 years in between.

I am so dedicated to myself, but I will try my damnedest to work him into the schedule. With class, the filming beginning, oh and, not to forget the Support Group.

Oh, but I joined the Support Group too! You've done so much and come so far! The group will lead to things. As will graduating from College. For better or for worse. You got into this life for a reason. There must be another chapter to all this. I feel my body saying to keep calm, this is that step I'm missing.

That essential piece of advice that I can't figure out. Terror. I'm nervous and scared. I can't let myself just give into it so easily. To share that part of yourself with someone. I should not necessarily run to him because he returns on Sunday. He left me for three weeks to go to Mexico, you met only a week ago. It's not the best idea, I can't spend the night and I need to stay focused in school.

I'm to cautious to live frivolously. To let my head fall into all this again. Yet, the plane will land and he will come home. He will call on me and I will feel the pull to run to him. Part of me says to withhold. You can see him on a day that suits you better. Am I allowed to be this way? I feel such a pull to be cautious, I'm so close to the border of change.

I am simply just writing out my nerves. I just wish it would click. What lesson did I miss?