A Dream and a Reality — A Symphony of Emotion

I wrote this post last night before my date with Harring (whom was known before as The Documentarist, which is not an actual word). Remember this as you read on:

I had a dream last night. It was sort of a nightmare, but I can't quite tell. As usual, keep in mind that my dreams border on realism most times. So here we go...

I am with The Tall Man and other friends. We are renting a van to go to the zoo and we are standing around and smoking cigarettes. The Tall Man takes me aside and begins to berate me with insults. It's random especially since this is the first time we've seen each other in almost a year. I begin to cry and he doesn't react. When the group returns I stop crying and say, "I am sorry I can't be in this group right now. He is being a fucking asshole." Then I stalked off.

Hmmm...

Sometimes I wonder if I have Post-Traumatic Syndrome or something. Why is that my dream? Oh well, I just took it in my mind as one last memory of a past. That I'm moving on and always being positive. That's my only resolution. . .

The day thus continued on. Harring called and we decided to see a perfect date movie. Revolutionary Road. I have loved Kate Winslet around the time I saw her in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have wanted to BE Kate Winslet since she stepped out of that car in Tiantic. After Revolutionary Road, she is a Goddess.

Yet, this still isn't a proper date movie. We went because I want to test fate, luckily, it wasn't a deal breaker. It's what happened afterward that caused me to once again question my life and why things happen the way they do.

We were standing and waiting for the L Train. Unexpectedly, I hear a voice say, "Hello Craig." In this moment there was no one I wanted to see less, yet life somehow deemed this plausable. An audience voted and results show that of anyone I could run into it would be The Tall Man.

Before this day, this moment, I have always wondered what would happen. How would I react? Would I be able to carry on a conversation? Would I cry? Suddenly this answer was about to be revealed. Here he is. Still incredibly tall and equally handsome. His hair had grown much longer, just as my own had shortened considerably.

I think I blinked for a considerable amount of time before stuttering, “I--I had a nightmare about you last night.” He laughed nervously and replied, “Oh. . .wow! I hope I didn’t die.”

The pang, mixed with the sharpness of my tongue almost caused, “Oh. No, my dreams are horribly real to life. I’m sure you know what it was about.” Yet, I think I may have just drooled. I can’t accurately remember what happened during this conversation because suddenly my mind went blank.

I could see The Tall Man, I just could not hear anything he said. I began to ask him questions, I didn’t want a moment of silence so my disbelief could be fully comprehended. “What are you doing on the L Train?” I watched as his mouth moved and I acted like I understood, but then I realized his explanation was taking longer than I expected. Oh no, he was asking me a question! “Wait, I just hallucinated, what are you doing on the L Train?”

As this silent film played out, I turned my head slowly to my right and realized there was still another player in the scene. Harring was standing there silently, “This is . . .” I looked at him hoping he could see my sudden panic. He seemed to catch on and quickly added, “Harring.”

I looked back at the Tall Man and informed him of the movie we saw. I felt my body begin to tense more, but I just smiled and laughed. Slowly but noticeably, I leaned into Harring. I just felt my body naturally doing it and suddenly a little switch flickered in my mind.

I felt life was on my side at this moment. Give me the strength to accept that which I cannot change. I could never think of what would happen when I saw the Tall Man because I always pictured it happening by myself. I never wrote a third character into the scene. I would not cry, because I was not alone. I would not yell, because I could lean and still get the same feeling of relief. I am moving on.

I knew that I had no feeling to reunite with him anymore. Also that he had no idea what happened after he hung up the phone. I suddenly didn’t care either. I was still trying to figure out why 2008 was running into 2009. Even if Harring and I don’t last longer than any other affair, he has already paid off his investment.

After the train arrived the Tall Man understood his time on stage was through and he took his leave. I looked at Harring and inevitably had to explain exactly why that hoofer was being allowed so much stage time. I got about two sentences out about the dream from earlier and just stopped talking. I needed to think. . .