Group Catharsis

I went to group on Monday with no intentions of sharing. I wanted to just listen and be "unemotional" for one session. I enjoy the support group, but I don't know if I'll sign up again for another session. I have a problem with being open and just saying things.

I am to self-conscious to just say, "I thought about killing myself this week." As someone did tonight and in saying that I almost burst into tears. I had to hold on as I watched two guys in group cry and ponder what their futures will hold. The younger side of the group that is my age, we all related to him. We all have thoughts about killing ourselves. We all shared that. The older side of the group sat and listened, almost indifferently at times.

To be HIV positive and young, it destroys your outlook on the future. Where you once saw endless possibilities, you now only see fuzzy goals. Promises made to yourself are broken and choices that seemed obvious are not anywhere near as logical.

I watched as this guy talked about how he didn't feel motivated and that he wasn't the same anymore. He hated this body he now lived in. I felt an endless agreement and it terrified me. However, there was a calmness that came from it too. Once again I was no longer the only one who felt this. I was not crazy and these thoughts and emotions could be shared with others. In a perverted way, I felt calmed by this discovery.

Then the next kid began to discuss how his mother always ends their telephone conversations with, "Be healthy." This destroyed him because he believes that he has failed this simple request. He too began to weep. I sat there blinking my tears and not calling attention to them. The pathos I got from their confessions was enough for me to know that, I too, have these issues.

It was such an intense group for having not admitted anything directly. I felt exhausted and wanted to do nothing but go home. Unfortunately, I got talked into getting dinner with a couple of the older guys from group.

Perhaps it is cause they are both "emotionless" in general. Or that they couldn't relate, but at dinner they both agreed that they were so bored with group tonight. I know that we all have different ways of coping, but that shocked me. I was not necessarily upset with them, but the fact there was not empathy for the two guy's sadness. This confession exhausted my soul even more.