A Weekend in My Mind

What do you want? That's the question on my mind for this last week. It's caused a lack of sleep. My roommate had a moment where she told me "what it's all about." I do agree with most of what she said. Though no one necessarily likes to hear that they are manipulating situations, but I was.

I suppose that if I invite someone over for dinner at 9 PM at night. That is basically a spider inviting a fly into his parlor. I cannot be surprised that they think I want to date them. I feel like a grand seducer and an emotional leech. I don't necessarily mean to lead anyone on, which I have been doing. She concludes [as all good doctors do] that I need to figure out what I want.

I've been trying to figure it out. I think I want to date, but I did make that vow to God and a Starbucks Barrista that I would not have sex with anyone in this group until it was through. Yet, I have been eyeing some and doing the acts described above. What's awful about it is I do it so ambiguously and without conviction. I do want to become friends with people, but to do it with gay men seems to always have the issue of sexual attraction.

Probably because we become friends with people we are initally attracted to. I am trying to improve my ambigious sexuality. It's got to be addressed sometime, but the thing is if you're attracted to that person [and in return he is attracted to you] than you obviously will not address the issue until after infidelities are committed.

So I am thinking on this issue. If I believe in having a boyfriend then I will get one? I don't know if I'll necessarily buy that. I suppose there's no harm in trying. So I guess we'll get that out of the way.

In my life I haven't always been clear on what I wanted. In fact I don't think there has been clarity for several years now. I wish I was cemented in ideas and less confusion. I am flighty and absentmindedly open. I've grown tired of thinking about this issue.