Catch Me I'm Falling

I would like to record the last few dreams I have been having. My therapist says that they are significant and my unconscious has been telling me something. The last several nights my nightmares have been distressing and though I wake up relieved they are not real, it's still disturbing nonetheless.

1. My first dream is that I am in my apartment. My roommate, our friend who is subletting and myself are in the living room. A giant python is slithering across the floor from inside the radiator into my room. I am distressed and telling the other two we should get rid of it. I mean there's a GIANT FUCKING SNAKE in the apartment! Yet, they do nothing. At one point the snake slithers by me and touches my leg.
2. Alice Ripley's Tony speech is playing from every direction. She is angry and screaming about art. I am offered a job and I say, "That's fine as long as I have a week before the drug test." heh.
3. An acquaintance of mine is trying to murder me. He is a schizophrenic and one personality is nice to me, while the other is trying to murder me. I am the only one who realizes this and I tell my friends and roommate about it. No one believes me, but thinks that the acquaintance has a twin brother who is insane. They tell me he must be the one and I should find him. No one believes that they are the same person.
4. Last night I dreamed that I missed my registration for the Wardrobe Union. I woke up (in my dream) and it was 1. I couldn't tell if it was 1 AM or 1 PM. If it was the day of the registration or if I had slept through the day and it was the next day. I look outside and it's dark and I just cannot tell what day it is.

The last dream was actually a sleepwalking occurrence. On Sunday morning I woke up in my roommates bed and had no idea how I got there. I went into my room around 6 AM and noticed that my bed hadn't been slept in. Apparently I came into the room and was convinced someone was in the apartment.

These have been my dreams. Weird, right?

As These Days Of Collegiate Experience Wane On. . .

The vicious cycle begins one last time. For one last semester. I'm writing this to keep my mind off other issues. I need to just type for a bit. Endless banter, as it were. I awoke early this mourning in a coughing fit. I couldn't breath and gasped for air, my eyes began to water. I could not tell where I was, the haze from the TheraFlu made sure of that. It could have been the end.

The choking fit pulled me from a nightmare I was having. A reoccurring one in which I am involved with a production of some kind. Usually it is a musical, this time was no different. I was in the lighting booth at my college. The show was opening tonight and I was to run the light board. Unfortunate as it is, the light board is broken. I can't communicate with anyone and the show goes on. Surprisingly, the performance is good. I sit there watching helplessly and hoping no one will notice that there are absolutely no light cues. No one does and they tell me how well they thought the show was . . . I feel guilty of taking the praise for doing nothing.

To have that dream and then to wake up in a coughing fit. It would put the shake on your day too? So I have been a little weary of everything, feeling doubtful of the future. The movie business is shaky right now, issues with production being organized. I have no power and tomorrow classes begin. It takes us full circle, no?

Class will be a welcome reminder. . . Oh and the Support Group! I am giving myself a pep talk right now, because this being positive thing is difficult. I am doing pretty well with it. It puts me to bed early.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of Insomnia

After I fell asleep again and because pills weren't involved. I remembered my dream. It started off so hot and good, then ended on such a low note.

My friends and I were on a street on Halloween night and I was dressed as a Sex Pig again. We went to a bar and I immediately fell for the cute redheaded bartender named Iggy (or something like that). He talked and then began making out. Eric, who tends to be competitive when there's someone hot around said, "Oh, who is HE?" and I turned to him and snarled like a pig. He backed off.

Eventually my friends all left the bar to go down the street to this water park and Raymore & Flanagan show room area. Leaving the bar empty, except for Ricky (perhaps that's who it was) and I alone. He made out and touched each other in dirty ways.

After a little while of some heavy petting, one of Nicky's (I think) co-workers returned and he had to stop making out with me. I told him I'd be right back and I'd leave my clothes, wallet and bag at the bar in the upstairs room.

I found my friends, who were having a grand time at the water park half of the wonderland. They asked me how it went and I told them I was gonna get lucky tonight and I was SO ready to have sex. So ready in fact I couldn't hide my erection in my short shorts. I was so horny and piggy I didn't care.

I ran back to the bar and ran upstairs to meet Ziggy (hm), but was stopped by two Italian bodyguards. They told me I wasn't allowed upstairs or really anywhere in the bar for more than five minute intervals. I told them all my stuff was in the upstairs and they still denied me entry. I looked beyond the bodyguards and saw my beau and he just shrugged and mouthed he would be downstairs later.

I returned to my friends and told them of my situation. They told me that it was my fault for leaving my stuff in the bar. I got mad, but I knew I could get it back tomorrow when they changed shifts. By the way, my erection still wouldn't go down.

I began to notice how closely the bar was monitoring me from afar. As I looked around the water park I saw small camera's pointed at me. Even a little toy Scuba diver was swimming in the water and had a little blinking red light. It followed me everywhere, until I squashed it with my feet.

I returned to the bar for another five minutes and found my bartender working in the downstairs bar. I asked him for his number so we could continue this another night when the bodyguards weren't around. He frowned and said they monitored his phone, so it would be best for me to give him my number. I told him to take a hike and left. I then tried to find my way home, dressed as a Sex Pig with a hard-on, on the subway.

Let's Look At It All

I woke up this morning from a nightmare. The answers probably lie in the meaning of the dream. Let's look shall we:

My wardrobe supervisor and I are in a dungeon in the cellar of the school. We are folding laundry and she brings up how someone was talking about how much I have changed. She then gives weird examples, one including when I "drank wine coolers backstage while dressing a show." I immediately felt guilty (re: Trip Home) because I know this, I just didn't know it was every one's number one concern.

That was the gist of it and I have been down since. I ran at the gym, hoping I would get an Endorphin high. Not being able to have a cigarette until September 1st, I feel just like a junkie going through withdrawal. I haven't tried clawing out my roommates eye's out because she won't give me a 10-spot to buy my next pack, but I'll keep it in the back of my mind.

Then, school...college...classes. What do we call them nowadays? Anyhow, that starts soon. This one is the final lap before the checkered flag of life. What's that tense feeling in my chest? It's been a week since I've been to work and the beginning of several months of this trend.

My brain seems to finally be waking up and I'm getting that chance to think about myself. What I've been doing for the last couple of years and the choices I have made. It all really feels odd and embarrassing at times. It's a very uniquely grotesque feeling. I'll evolve from this all I am sure. A better person for it? That I'm not sure.

This one was EASY to read

Oh last night I had a dream I came home from China for ONE day and instead of seeing friends or having sex with the guy I am currently sleeping with I somehow decided to GO to work. When I got to work my boss looked at me and said, "You are here for ONE day and you came to WORK?" And I was like OH SHIT! And I couldn't leave cause I punched in and they saw me. So I was contemplating quitting.

In short...it's time to quit.

Knowing When To Leave

Go while the going is good

Jill O'Hara sang is very well, but Betty Buckley is redefining it for me right now. In my regular insomnia of cycle that I've been having for weeks now. I'll fall asleep soon I am very sure of it. I skipped the gym today and that was my folly. I wanted to get rest from the early wake up call of Saturday. Yet, it was a sleep filled with nightmares.

Knowing when to leave may be the smartest thing that anyone can learn.

I watched at people got crushed and contorted, yet still remained alive. I watched people I didn't know get tortured and I was helpless to do anything. I just watched. No one specifically in my life really. It could've been the cast of Heroes and I wouldn't have known who they were.

At one point a monstrous wardrobe swallowed two people and the doors slammed shut. I rushed to it to hear their screams as they were slowly being digested on the inside. I wanted to try and crack it open, but I have seen one to many movies and knew that they were lost and even if I got them out, they'd be a mess. So I let them die...

I'm afraid my heart, isn't very smart...

In other news. I am buying a sewing machine tomorrow. Part of my stress has been school and getting all my sewing done. I don't have time to sign up during my free time with everything else. Also, since I enjoy Costume Construction and actually am very interested in it, I don't want to do badly in the class because of my lack of time. With other classes this feeling on inadequacy has made me want to just take a Sabbatical. Find myself. Which leads me to my next topic...

Foolish as it seems, I still have my dreams.

I have been in a horrible mood in the last week. Bad news didn't help. Added with frustration and other things. I have come to the conclusion I am horribly unhappy with myself. I can't clearly articulate the feelings, but it's late and I am going to try...

I am at the point that I feel like a standstill. Change is coming, whether if be forced or not. Idle hands are the Devils playground, I suppose. Yet my idle hands haven't touched that swing set in a while. I am disgusted with people who are older than 25, right now. Why?

So I keep hoping day after day as I wait for the man I mean.

The Gentleman Caller says that I shouldn't feel like an object. HA! Of all the people to say such a thing. He is a friend, I do agree. Yet, I sometimes wonder how long I will be held onto until he solves his issues with himself and meets someone and suddenly I'm just the 21 year old who was.

The phrase that caught me was, "We can do the deed when we're at Busch Gardens." The deed?

Well I don't want to bother you, but since we're sharing the same bed I guess I could oblige you, Sir.

I am glad truly glad you made some guy have the best sex of his life the other day. I truly am. Yet when you said, "Then why doesn't he return back if I was so amazing?" I wanted to just raise my hand. Instead, I gagged in my mouth for a moment, resisting the urge to scream. I have to wait three weeks to have sex with you? Seriously?

Deep down, whoever you are...

Then there is the Cyclist. Who's blatant objectifying me is as obvious as the awful text messages he sends me. He was on a role this Sunday until he blundered it up. I had to cut him off and let him go. Like those fish I caught this summer. Sea Bass truly are the worst fish to catch and must be sent back.

My mother raised something to be proud of, not a Distraction.

The moment came later that night. In a sign that only myself and a few others can appreciate. I will retell the tale though, since it must be told:

I was riding the subway. Biting my lip and trying to read The Golden Compass. Meanwhile, down the train was an adorable gay couple. My age I'd guess, scruffy and in that moment of their relationship where only they felt each other existed. Both very attractive.

I do believe at this point my lip started to bleed.

At every stop I watched them to see if they'd leave, wondering where two adorable guys like that would be heading to. Probably Christopher St or something. Yet they didn't get off. I started to wonder the last time I ever felt that way with a guy. I don't know if I ever have...

No I have, when I was younger, in my teens. When I believed that guys were capable of that type of romance. Then down the train there was proof that it still happens...to others. I had a pure teenager moment when I thought, "They why hasn't it happened to me?"

As I turned to read my book, my gaze was caught instead by something else. I saw myself in the reflection of the Subway window. If there is a reflection you don't want to see yourself in and suddenly have a revelation. It's in a subway window, while two gay guys cuddled only feet away.

Yet I looked at myself.

To add the the moment, Lucy and Jessie started to play on my ipod. A song I knew was soon to be followed with Live, Laugh, Love. This song was just after Losing My Mind played. Let me tell you, never before has three songs in consecutive order EVER made such a moment in my life. I watch the couple as Barbara Cook sings, "Losing my Mind."

You said you loved me...or were you just being kind.

Then I see myself and Lucy and Jessie starts to ring out of Lee Remick's mouth. I just stared at myself. What did I do to deserve this moment? What did I see? I saw someone who I couldn't take seriously. I was wearing a tight fitting shirt that I got from a teenage girl's store and made my body look...well good.

Yet I wondered what do people see when they see me? Do they laugh that I would wear this? Do they seem something frivolous, not worth more than sex? Do they feel intimidated? Something not worth more than a moments glance?

Here comes, Live, Laugh, Love. I can't stop the thoughts now. Things need to change, I see something that other people don't. I don't know what the difference is, but it confuses me. I wish I could see myself through others eyes. So I could get a grasp onto things.

Success is swell, success is sweet...

The train came to my stop. And I saw it coming as the couple got off the train with me. To do what people in love do at 10:30 pm. I can't possibly tell you what anymore. Sleep? Talk about the future together?

Me I like to live! Me I like to love, Me I like...me...love..me...I don't love me...

I think it's time to try that sleeping thing...