Chita Rivera and I just want to spread a little sunshine.
I was all over the city tonight watching the election. With friends in barrooms and in streets. In "Election Plaza" and then to Time Square. When we arrived at the hotel room it was done! There was shouting and excitement. A great speech by both parties and just a feeling of relief in the air.
Then there's Prop 8. We're holding our breath in this household. It's not the end, it's only the beginning. There's many new beginnings for everyone. Hurrah beginnings!
Showing posts with label Bed Time Note. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bed Time Note. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 5
Friday, March 14
A Moment if you will...
I am going to be introspective. It's been in affect for the last 24 hours, starting with my visit with the Tall Man. He seemed to handle it well, but I felt I soured my mood of the night with constantly recollecting my life. We were sharing, ideas and stories, which is very nice. Due to recent events, being introspective has taken on a much stranger meaning for me. I feel myself getting tangled up and lost in my memories.
Moments that once seemed trivial suddenly weight the balance. Then I am wondering how I wasted those moments performing that task. Or I wonder why can't that feeling I had once, and taken for granted, return? The Tall Man says I have a a good voice for storytelling and that I am teaching him a whole world he doesn't know. My ramblings of theatre, actually interest someone to the point that they asked me to continue speaking? Yet, I withdrew in my mind feeling conscious of the assault & battery with my mouth.
I come to a moment where I think: Return back to your old ways and freak out over this...this nothing? Or try a different route. I shall take a route that I normally have looked over. I shall not pity myself for making a minor mistake. I will not recede back into the shell.
I am lost in a specific memory: I am 14. I remember visiting my grandparents in Florida. A small retirement village. Stationary motor homes, decorated as if families had lived in them for generations. I never felt so safe. I think of going out on the boat. I remember discovering Starlight Express and Sunset Blvd. For the first time. I remember sitting on the deck and reading Agatha Christie, just sitting for hours and reading. Breathing, letting the non-time pass on. Laying in it. Not thinking about the future, thinking about anything. Taking for granted what it's like to not think. At that time my future didn't matter because I was assured in one thing. That I would be in it.
Destiny and life didn't matter. Once again they were written out already. I just had to go along in my ways and it would all unfold. I remember riding out on that boat, watching the sun and feeling the stillness. Sitting with my Disc man on my lap. Listening to silence. The end would come, but like my life I somehow had skipped out on it. I was going to feel like this forever.
Then I leave the memory and return to now. And I'm overcome. I partially blame it on John Steinbeck. Which may seem absurd but you try going through life changing moments and reading East of Eden. Then tell me how you handle those moments, as you watch the entire history of a family pass through pages. It happens so quickly, but naturally we accept it. We accept the briefness of it all. When the characters skip ages, we allow it because that's how life goes. One moment we're 14 and the next we're 22.
Yet, that's only been 8 years! Hardly a decade yet! Though you, you have the nerve to be introspective? You pretend to think your life means something, not even a decade in. You have no legacy yet. You don't even have real memories yet. You have breezes, you have small drifts that come and go. If you're lost now people will not remember you. They will recall, but they won't feel it. They'll say I recall. Let's face it, even the sound of the two words has a distinctive difference.
So let the time pass, let it flow. I shall wade in it. I shall lap up the time and enjoy those moments of in taking. For it happens as quickly as you inhale, then finishes before the exhale. Then when I am without it, when it's moving to fast. I cannot stop to take a drink. I will go on, knowing it'll happen again.
Now I am drinking, I am guzzling. I have tasted life tinged with something else. And it's caused my mind to shift. It's the calm that has descended from the delirium or the shock. I am the lost tragedian, I've always played the sob song. So well that I begin to feel comfortable in a skin that I shouldn't. I rebelled and not only went the way they advised not to feel, but I preceded to live in it. I am capable of moments of happiness, but I feel that I'm more susceptible of the opposite.
Yet now I have decided to live against it. I have decided to be gracious! To enjoy the life that the world has given me. Which may be moments to late. On whose authority, I ask? Society? The moment I was born society was against me, this is just another battle of a larger war.
My body, that's so used to the sad state is reminding me. That's where this introspection comes from. It's the siren calling the ship back to the island. It's just set sail ladies, let us see where it ends up? Are we agreed? For however far this ship sails, if it's journey proves to be a disaster, the song will sound sweeter when we return.
Moments that once seemed trivial suddenly weight the balance. Then I am wondering how I wasted those moments performing that task. Or I wonder why can't that feeling I had once, and taken for granted, return? The Tall Man says I have a a good voice for storytelling and that I am teaching him a whole world he doesn't know. My ramblings of theatre, actually interest someone to the point that they asked me to continue speaking? Yet, I withdrew in my mind feeling conscious of the assault & battery with my mouth.
I come to a moment where I think: Return back to your old ways and freak out over this...this nothing? Or try a different route. I shall take a route that I normally have looked over. I shall not pity myself for making a minor mistake. I will not recede back into the shell.
I am lost in a specific memory: I am 14. I remember visiting my grandparents in Florida. A small retirement village. Stationary motor homes, decorated as if families had lived in them for generations. I never felt so safe. I think of going out on the boat. I remember discovering Starlight Express and Sunset Blvd. For the first time. I remember sitting on the deck and reading Agatha Christie, just sitting for hours and reading. Breathing, letting the non-time pass on. Laying in it. Not thinking about the future, thinking about anything. Taking for granted what it's like to not think. At that time my future didn't matter because I was assured in one thing. That I would be in it.
Destiny and life didn't matter. Once again they were written out already. I just had to go along in my ways and it would all unfold. I remember riding out on that boat, watching the sun and feeling the stillness. Sitting with my Disc man on my lap. Listening to silence. The end would come, but like my life I somehow had skipped out on it. I was going to feel like this forever.
Then I leave the memory and return to now. And I'm overcome. I partially blame it on John Steinbeck. Which may seem absurd but you try going through life changing moments and reading East of Eden. Then tell me how you handle those moments, as you watch the entire history of a family pass through pages. It happens so quickly, but naturally we accept it. We accept the briefness of it all. When the characters skip ages, we allow it because that's how life goes. One moment we're 14 and the next we're 22.
Yet, that's only been 8 years! Hardly a decade yet! Though you, you have the nerve to be introspective? You pretend to think your life means something, not even a decade in. You have no legacy yet. You don't even have real memories yet. You have breezes, you have small drifts that come and go. If you're lost now people will not remember you. They will recall, but they won't feel it. They'll say I recall. Let's face it, even the sound of the two words has a distinctive difference.
So let the time pass, let it flow. I shall wade in it. I shall lap up the time and enjoy those moments of in taking. For it happens as quickly as you inhale, then finishes before the exhale. Then when I am without it, when it's moving to fast. I cannot stop to take a drink. I will go on, knowing it'll happen again.
Now I am drinking, I am guzzling. I have tasted life tinged with something else. And it's caused my mind to shift. It's the calm that has descended from the delirium or the shock. I am the lost tragedian, I've always played the sob song. So well that I begin to feel comfortable in a skin that I shouldn't. I rebelled and not only went the way they advised not to feel, but I preceded to live in it. I am capable of moments of happiness, but I feel that I'm more susceptible of the opposite.
Yet now I have decided to live against it. I have decided to be gracious! To enjoy the life that the world has given me. Which may be moments to late. On whose authority, I ask? Society? The moment I was born society was against me, this is just another battle of a larger war.
My body, that's so used to the sad state is reminding me. That's where this introspection comes from. It's the siren calling the ship back to the island. It's just set sail ladies, let us see where it ends up? Are we agreed? For however far this ship sails, if it's journey proves to be a disaster, the song will sound sweeter when we return.
Wednesday, February 20
I don't know if Sheba ever came back...
And so quickly the mirror crack'd. On both sides, so quickly. This whole weekend I felt it, last night I felt it. The way I held on and refused to let go, I knew it. I'm in a state beyond description, which is difficult. I am terrified to sleep, but the sleep is so strong.
It will change. It all will change. It's not a necessity, it's a have to sort of matter. It's weird that you feel it coming before it happens. You can't do anything more, but let it unfold now.
That's enough for tonight.
It will change. It all will change. It's not a necessity, it's a have to sort of matter. It's weird that you feel it coming before it happens. You can't do anything more, but let it unfold now.
That's enough for tonight.
Monday, February 11
Pushing off stress...
I feel like I have 10,000,000 things I should stress about. Yet, I can't remember most of them. Which isn't necessarily bad. I just need to stay motivated. Nothing really new in the last few days. I spent the night with The Tall Man again. It's developing, believe it or not. It's developing, true it is. We had a serious conversation last night, something that I'd like to believe, tells someone they are intimate with. More than just previous relationships I've had. Step by step, little by little.
See I have nothing to talk about tonight...School is school, I am me. We are all the same as we were yesterday. I was listening to Evita today with Patti Lu and I was once again captivated with her brilliance. I wonder what would happen if she ran for president? President of Broadway of course.
Okay, stupidity over.
See I have nothing to talk about tonight...School is school, I am me. We are all the same as we were yesterday. I was listening to Evita today with Patti Lu and I was once again captivated with her brilliance. I wonder what would happen if she ran for president? President of Broadway of course.
Okay, stupidity over.
Saturday, February 9
A Saturday Night at Home
I suppose that's okay. I'm rewatching Side Show and seeing if it lasts the test of time. I bought Ms. Buckley's new album today. I like her older feel and you can hear her age in her voice. That's obvious though.
Today seemed to be, "Lay at home and do nothing day" for everyone I know. I was supposed to meet with friends and they canceled. I was supposed to do something, yet nothing happened. I am looking at a new laptop and phone, which excites me. Yet I mourn for my bank account. I need to get both of these items, I'm not such a good consumer though. I just want all Mac products...iPhone and MacBook. Once I get my tax refund (if I'm not arrested by the IRS first...long story, let's say my name isn't actually Iguana for certain reasons).
So yes, back to being alone. Last night I went to a little get together/game night at a friend of a friends. It was a gay gathering and I wore a tight shirt for such purposes. I was quickly announced as 22 immediately and knew my jig was up. The older men hit on me, how grand...I don't remember how many there were. It was mainly couples, couples make me mad because I am not one. Sure there is the Tall Man...but it's not that or I'd be there right now.
Instead my insanity catches up with me and I send texts asking when I can see him again. Bleh.
Moving along. Carol Channing does it again and stuns me with her greatness. Dr. Timothy Leary raved about this movie. I need to find it:
Today seemed to be, "Lay at home and do nothing day" for everyone I know. I was supposed to meet with friends and they canceled. I was supposed to do something, yet nothing happened. I am looking at a new laptop and phone, which excites me. Yet I mourn for my bank account. I need to get both of these items, I'm not such a good consumer though. I just want all Mac products...iPhone and MacBook. Once I get my tax refund (if I'm not arrested by the IRS first...long story, let's say my name isn't actually Iguana for certain reasons).
So yes, back to being alone. Last night I went to a little get together/game night at a friend of a friends. It was a gay gathering and I wore a tight shirt for such purposes. I was quickly announced as 22 immediately and knew my jig was up. The older men hit on me, how grand...I don't remember how many there were. It was mainly couples, couples make me mad because I am not one. Sure there is the Tall Man...but it's not that or I'd be there right now.
Instead my insanity catches up with me and I send texts asking when I can see him again. Bleh.
Moving along. Carol Channing does it again and stuns me with her greatness. Dr. Timothy Leary raved about this movie. I need to find it:
Thursday, February 7
And I'm Still Wearing My Socks...
These are the days that make life worth living:
Gather around one and all to hear my tale and believe me or not if you wish...
So for almost a year someone from Livejournal who I've been speaking with regularly told me he practiced hypnotism and he had been trying to come to Park Slope to help try it on me for my stress and such. Now this man is an older man with a wife and children. I'd never met him before, but since I do have an issue with sleeping and life. I am getting therapy, why not try to get hypnotized?
So finally we made plans to meet today and he showed up. I am open to the idea of being hypnotized. So I embraced it...until it happened. It started off normally and he did what you'd think, "You're getting sleepy..." kind of bullshit. I do admit the first time I did feel like I had fallen in a trance.
He then told me that I would remove my socks. Wearing my socks would now be my biggest worry, no more stress. He then told me that he'd wake me and I would want to show him my tattoos and that I loved being hypnotized and I would ask him to hypnotize me again. Harmless fun, why not?
I woke and felt silly. I did as I was told, removing my socks, etc. I asked him to do it again.
Sleep, sleep, sleep...
I laid my head down and went into my trance again. I was not in any sort of trance.
Now ladies and gentlemen. This is where it gets strange. So it was more of the same, "You hate wearing socks, you love being hypnotized. When you wake this time you'll feel warm and you'll take off your shirt to change for your play. Then you'll ask me to hypnotize me again."
What?!
I'm used to being to being shirtless, so I thought I'd indulge him. So I wake up and tell him I'm hot and I need to remove my shirt. Then I ask him to hypnotize me again. Why not? Third time is a charm, right? RIGHT?!?
So he continues with the same stuff but adds, "This time you'll start to get ready to go out and you'll ask me to hypnotize me again."
Can I take a moment to mention that during all of this I heard a rubbing noise. As if he was rubbing something on the outside of his pants. Yes, I lie not.
So I start to put on a new shirt and...
Sleep, sleep, sleep...are you serious?! Well here we go again...
"You've decided that this shirt isn't right, you'll decide to change your shirt and your pants and you'll thank me for hypnotizing you and ask me to do it again. You love being hypnotized, you will want to be hypnotized again." Oh dear sir, I called that one out from a mile away. I awake and tell him I need to change. I put on a new shirt and start to take off my pants. While I am trying to pull on my new pants...
Sleep, sleep, sleep...Oh fuck you, motherfucker!
This is the part that gets me. This entire time I guess I'd been either very convincing or he wanted to see how far he could push me until I broke character. Being the consummate actor I am, this last round I did break character. I admit.
"I want you to take off your shirt this time and your pants and lay on the bed. You feel amazing right now, no shame in it..."
It was at this moment I dropped my pretending and my face tightened out of both shock and the urge to open my eyes and say, "Surprise, I was kidding! You asshole! And you're a pervert, get the fuck out of my room before I beat you within an inch of your life!" I think he noticed this look in my face because he suddenly changed his request to. "You'll dress and thank me for coming and we'll go out separate ways."
Thus, I put my switch blade back in it's holster...
He left and I put my socks back on...
Wednesday, February 6
Boys on the Side? But we need boys...
Last night while hanging out with The Tall Man. We decided to order food and watch a movie. Now I brought over an eclectic mix of movies from Billy Elliot to Death Becomes Her to Donnie Darko. I let the Tall Man pick and I wanted to watch Billy Elliot, but he decided on Boys On The Side. He asked me if it was funny and I replied, "Yes...but I may cry in the end."
Now three years ago when I bought Boys On The Side because Mary Louise Parker stars in it. All I remembered was it's a tale of three women (Whoppi, Drew and Mary Louise) who go on a trip together, Mary has AIDS, Whoppi's a Lesbian and Drew kills her drug dealing boyfriend. Yet, they overcome and are triumphant, even Mary who dies. I remembered laughing and enjoying the movie...
Watching it last night, all I can say is. What the hell what I thinking! This movie was not only one of the most depressing movies I'd ever seen. It was also a propaganda movie in a way. How do I articulate this? It was made in 1995 and seems to address every issue of the time. Lesbianism, AIDs, Drugs, etc. The Tall Man paused the movie at one point and asked, "How is it possible that two women who have lived in NYC in the mid-90s. One who is a Lesbian and one who has AIDS both spend an entire movie amazed at each other?"
Basically Whoppi can't get over that Mary has AIDS and Mary has (apparently) never met a Lesbian before. Same for Drew. They spend a long time together and cannot seem to get over these facts. Meanwhile, Mary's health gets worse. Drew gets pregnant and sent to jail. Whoppi doesn't get anything really. This movie just kept getting worse and worse.
The Tall Man put it best when he said, "I bet when you first saw this movie. You were all 'Mary Louise Parker!' and watched the movie that way. Tonight you actually WATCHED the movie and saw what it was really about." He hit the nail on the head. I kept telling them (Tall Man and his roommate, who spent half the movie making me laugh, so I didn't cry) that we could turn it off. Yet, they insisted we watch all the horror happen. Despite that, the Tall Man still cares about me it seems as he didn't kick me out after the suffering was over.
I ask you now to experience my night and watch this clip as AIDS stricken Mary Louise sings to Whoppi right before she dies in the next scene. Try not to have to much fun:
Now three years ago when I bought Boys On The Side because Mary Louise Parker stars in it. All I remembered was it's a tale of three women (Whoppi, Drew and Mary Louise) who go on a trip together, Mary has AIDS, Whoppi's a Lesbian and Drew kills her drug dealing boyfriend. Yet, they overcome and are triumphant, even Mary who dies. I remembered laughing and enjoying the movie...
Three years ago.
Watching it last night, all I can say is. What the hell what I thinking! This movie was not only one of the most depressing movies I'd ever seen. It was also a propaganda movie in a way. How do I articulate this? It was made in 1995 and seems to address every issue of the time. Lesbianism, AIDs, Drugs, etc. The Tall Man paused the movie at one point and asked, "How is it possible that two women who have lived in NYC in the mid-90s. One who is a Lesbian and one who has AIDS both spend an entire movie amazed at each other?"
Basically Whoppi can't get over that Mary has AIDS and Mary has (apparently) never met a Lesbian before. Same for Drew. They spend a long time together and cannot seem to get over these facts. Meanwhile, Mary's health gets worse. Drew gets pregnant and sent to jail. Whoppi doesn't get anything really. This movie just kept getting worse and worse.
The Tall Man put it best when he said, "I bet when you first saw this movie. You were all 'Mary Louise Parker!' and watched the movie that way. Tonight you actually WATCHED the movie and saw what it was really about." He hit the nail on the head. I kept telling them (Tall Man and his roommate, who spent half the movie making me laugh, so I didn't cry) that we could turn it off. Yet, they insisted we watch all the horror happen. Despite that, the Tall Man still cares about me it seems as he didn't kick me out after the suffering was over.
I ask you now to experience my night and watch this clip as AIDS stricken Mary Louise sings to Whoppi right before she dies in the next scene. Try not to have to much fun:
Tuesday, February 5
1:25 am — Things happen strangely here.
It's 1:25 am and I'm not asleep. You know what that means...
So I'll just type until I feel tired and get somethings out of my mind. Why am I letting little things bother me? Like the light that filters through my windows while I try to sleep. It's such a light night out. I need to be up at 6 am...I will hate myself, but I will get up.
I just bought 8 tickets to see RENT. Hello major credit card purchase. It's for the greater good. Even though I look at my bank account, which seems to had dwindled since before China and I feel panic. Immediate panic. Immense panic.
With the idea of leaving my paying job into nothing. With such low funds, I swallow hard and say worry not, it'll replenish. Then I have those thoughts I could easily have believed when I was up in the bank account. Those thoughts are, "Maybe I should stay with the job through the summer..."
Then what about a possible internship? What about feeling better? What about telling my boss I am leaving? It's not bad to go back on your word. Was the psychic right? Oh my God. Why? I need to be involved with theater, but I also need money to live here. Especially being that I will so be independent of my parents. Completely. With bills to pay and loans. And all that grownup stuff. Oh my GOD, why is this coming into my head now??
The Tall Man called me tonight to hang out tomorrow and go out on a date. Does that make me feel better? Yes, it does. What doesn't make me feel better is the lack of money in my account. Also school. Tomorrow I will purely focus on homework. Get a majority of it done tomorrow. Put myself ahead of the game and focus.
The gym at 6 am...the gym...Oh God groceries must be purchased tomorrow!
Musicals need to be thinned out, you knew this would happen eventually. The belt buckle would have to tighten. It just WOULD. Yet, you aren't adjusting as well as you hoped. You've been home, what? 13 days. why haven't you assimilated to the new life yet? The real life. You knew it was coming all through China.
Why isn't life unfolding the way I wished it ever would? Why did they assign me to Costume Crew for Two Gentlemen Of Verona? When I clearly asked to be on deck crew of a show. So I wouldn't have to do hours in the shop. So when I thought all was going well in that vein at least, I was shown differently.
How has Next To Normal become my absolute favorite musical? So much that I have been listening to it repeatedly for two days straight. As well as I just bought tickets to it again. Despite the fact that I really should have told myself, "You're getting poorer, you need to calm your soul son...calm your soul."
Why did you do this? You did it because you love theater and this is the first show in a while to renew that love of theater. It stirred your soul. Even though you feel that listening to the recording over and over again has promoted this upset feeling you have. It's a dark show. This is The Hours, ALL over again. Why are you so drawn to unhappy housewives? They speak to you in a language no one else was ever able to understand.
It's bordering two, I need at least four hours to function. Correction. I can function on four hours right? In conclusion, I need to be happy again. You need to fix this rut. Try, you know you can. You need things to begin falling into place. You need to not feel this in betweenness that you are indeed feeling.
I can always take up temping again. That's always an option. Keep it there. Hold it and try not to let it slip in the hazy morning when you wake and forget these fears because sleep finally came.
So I'll just type until I feel tired and get somethings out of my mind. Why am I letting little things bother me? Like the light that filters through my windows while I try to sleep. It's such a light night out. I need to be up at 6 am...I will hate myself, but I will get up.
I just bought 8 tickets to see RENT. Hello major credit card purchase. It's for the greater good. Even though I look at my bank account, which seems to had dwindled since before China and I feel panic. Immediate panic. Immense panic.
With the idea of leaving my paying job into nothing. With such low funds, I swallow hard and say worry not, it'll replenish. Then I have those thoughts I could easily have believed when I was up in the bank account. Those thoughts are, "Maybe I should stay with the job through the summer..."
Then what about a possible internship? What about feeling better? What about telling my boss I am leaving? It's not bad to go back on your word. Was the psychic right? Oh my God. Why? I need to be involved with theater, but I also need money to live here. Especially being that I will so be independent of my parents. Completely. With bills to pay and loans. And all that grownup stuff. Oh my GOD, why is this coming into my head now??
The Tall Man called me tonight to hang out tomorrow and go out on a date. Does that make me feel better? Yes, it does. What doesn't make me feel better is the lack of money in my account. Also school. Tomorrow I will purely focus on homework. Get a majority of it done tomorrow. Put myself ahead of the game and focus.
The gym at 6 am...the gym...Oh God groceries must be purchased tomorrow!
Musicals need to be thinned out, you knew this would happen eventually. The belt buckle would have to tighten. It just WOULD. Yet, you aren't adjusting as well as you hoped. You've been home, what? 13 days. why haven't you assimilated to the new life yet? The real life. You knew it was coming all through China.
Why isn't life unfolding the way I wished it ever would? Why did they assign me to Costume Crew for Two Gentlemen Of Verona? When I clearly asked to be on deck crew of a show. So I wouldn't have to do hours in the shop. So when I thought all was going well in that vein at least, I was shown differently.
How has Next To Normal become my absolute favorite musical? So much that I have been listening to it repeatedly for two days straight. As well as I just bought tickets to it again. Despite the fact that I really should have told myself, "You're getting poorer, you need to calm your soul son...calm your soul."
Why did you do this? You did it because you love theater and this is the first show in a while to renew that love of theater. It stirred your soul. Even though you feel that listening to the recording over and over again has promoted this upset feeling you have. It's a dark show. This is The Hours, ALL over again. Why are you so drawn to unhappy housewives? They speak to you in a language no one else was ever able to understand.
It's bordering two, I need at least four hours to function. Correction. I can function on four hours right? In conclusion, I need to be happy again. You need to fix this rut. Try, you know you can. You need things to begin falling into place. You need to not feel this in betweenness that you are indeed feeling.
I can always take up temping again. That's always an option. Keep it there. Hold it and try not to let it slip in the hazy morning when you wake and forget these fears because sleep finally came.
Sunday, February 3
Let There Be Light
Next To Normal. A new musical with a dark story, but I turned into a musical theatre geek and fell for it. It's about a Mother who believes her dead son is still alive. It is tearing their family apart. So after giving up medication they decide to give her ECT. You're thinking, "What the fuck?"
It's an interesting idea, and a dark comedy. I was a little "What the fuck?" myself when I saw the Electric Shock Therapy scene. Then I realized I was setup to expect this and if this is shit, then what are the truly bad musicals considered *cough*Shrek - The Musical*cough*? Not to mention that Alice Ripley was great. Finally, glad I got to see her in person.
Then today I saw Betty Buckley in concert in Queens today. The performance? Second verse, same as the first...
The rest of my weekend was calm. It involved The Tall Man, which I appreciate. He agreed to going to see RENT with a group of my friends. Which means he wants to participate in my life and meet my friends. That's more than being a sexual object right? I feel foolish asking, but this place is for fears and anxiety. If he follows through, I will count it as something nice.
I then had this other moment. I told a friend that I am focusing not just on the Tall Man because nothing has been announced. So last weekend, untrying, I attracted the attention of a guy. Who I kissed a little on the dance floor. Then when he asked me, "Want to get out of here?" I replied, "Yes, I think I am going to head home. Goodnight."
He wanted to meet again and because I blew him off a night before. Also he was near my apartment. Oh, how the trap had been set and I walked right into it. So when the time came to head home, who but he invited himself over. True, I could have said no the game ends here. I did not because saying No is how adventures never happen.
See it is this attitude that gets me. It's because I'm paranoid that it's happening to me. Sing Alive Ripley, sing! I wish rules would be clearer with that issue. Yet, some friends are jealous in what I've developed with this man. It seems ideal to them. I just don't want a repeat of previous events.
Back to the issue at hand though: So he slept next to me. How do people with bad breath not get told. I mean it's not necessarily my job as kisser to stop and inform him. I see the difficulty. I assume my breath doesn't smell for the fact I have had many a person want to continue kissing me. Point and case. So when we woke up and he wanted to kiss, I said I had to go to the bathroom. When I returned I said, "Time to get up...I've got plans today and you're not in them." He suggested we lay around more and I said, "No...I can't, I need to go to the gym." He did respect my wishes not to have sex.
Subtleness has never been my forte...I admit that wholely.
That's enough for the night to come to an end. Consider yourself informed.
It's an interesting idea, and a dark comedy. I was a little "What the fuck?" myself when I saw the Electric Shock Therapy scene. Then I realized I was setup to expect this and if this is shit, then what are the truly bad musicals considered *cough*Shrek - The Musical*cough*? Not to mention that Alice Ripley was great. Finally, glad I got to see her in person.
Then today I saw Betty Buckley in concert in Queens today. The performance? Second verse, same as the first...
The rest of my weekend was calm. It involved The Tall Man, which I appreciate. He agreed to going to see RENT with a group of my friends. Which means he wants to participate in my life and meet my friends. That's more than being a sexual object right? I feel foolish asking, but this place is for fears and anxiety. If he follows through, I will count it as something nice.
I then had this other moment. I told a friend that I am focusing not just on the Tall Man because nothing has been announced. So last weekend, untrying, I attracted the attention of a guy. Who I kissed a little on the dance floor. Then when he asked me, "Want to get out of here?" I replied, "Yes, I think I am going to head home. Goodnight."
He wanted to meet again and because I blew him off a night before. Also he was near my apartment. Oh, how the trap had been set and I walked right into it. So when the time came to head home, who but he invited himself over. True, I could have said no the game ends here. I did not because saying No is how adventures never happen.
See it is this attitude that gets me. It's because I'm paranoid that it's happening to me. Sing Alive Ripley, sing! I wish rules would be clearer with that issue. Yet, some friends are jealous in what I've developed with this man. It seems ideal to them. I just don't want a repeat of previous events.
Back to the issue at hand though: So he slept next to me. How do people with bad breath not get told. I mean it's not necessarily my job as kisser to stop and inform him. I see the difficulty. I assume my breath doesn't smell for the fact I have had many a person want to continue kissing me. Point and case. So when we woke up and he wanted to kiss, I said I had to go to the bathroom. When I returned I said, "Time to get up...I've got plans today and you're not in them." He suggested we lay around more and I said, "No...I can't, I need to go to the gym." He did respect my wishes not to have sex.
Subtleness has never been my forte...I admit that wholely.
That's enough for the night to come to an end. Consider yourself informed.
Tuesday, January 29
Musings at night...musings at night
School is underway, no need for alarm. Classes look promising. When will this petty little game of "classes" and discussing them end? I feel like I've been playing this game forever. Hopefully it'll end. I want to at least pretend I'm an adult. How childish to say that...
I love Chess the Danish Cast. After all these years I finally get the full recording of the entire show. How superb! I sort of want to sleep with my People, Power and Politics teacher. He has a touch of the Irish brogue and a beard. He seems like a complete genius. He also isn't making us write any papers and only have tests to do.
The Costume Shop at school will not be getting me as a dresser this semester. It really annoyed me when I went up there and one of the bitchy girls is like, "We were gonna kick you out of the room anyway..." Referring to the fact I signed up to work in the shop. I look at her and go, "Well I have all semester." And she sassy replies, "I wouldn't count on that..."
I turn to her and look her dead in the eye and ask, "Are you being cryptic...what does that even mean?" Like what sort of secret message was she trying to convey?! It's true I was told I had the entire semester and I only need the room once. Then I'm good to go. She just replies, "I mean get your pillow done as soon as possible." I know her point, but why did she have to be such a bitch about it?
I love Chess the Danish Cast. After all these years I finally get the full recording of the entire show. How superb! I sort of want to sleep with my People, Power and Politics teacher. He has a touch of the Irish brogue and a beard. He seems like a complete genius. He also isn't making us write any papers and only have tests to do.
The Costume Shop at school will not be getting me as a dresser this semester. It really annoyed me when I went up there and one of the bitchy girls is like, "We were gonna kick you out of the room anyway..." Referring to the fact I signed up to work in the shop. I look at her and go, "Well I have all semester." And she sassy replies, "I wouldn't count on that..."
I turn to her and look her dead in the eye and ask, "Are you being cryptic...what does that even mean?" Like what sort of secret message was she trying to convey?! It's true I was told I had the entire semester and I only need the room once. Then I'm good to go. She just replies, "I mean get your pillow done as soon as possible." I know her point, but why did she have to be such a bitch about it?
This whole situation seems like a scene from Clueless the TV show...
Friday, January 18
This one was EASY to read
Oh last night I had a dream I came home from China for ONE day and instead of seeing friends or having sex with the guy I am currently sleeping with I somehow decided to GO to work. When I got to work my boss looked at me and said, "You are here for ONE day and you came to WORK?" And I was like OH SHIT! And I couldn't leave cause I punched in and they saw me. So I was contemplating quitting.
In short...it's time to quit.
In short...it's time to quit.
Tuesday, January 15
A Faggot Grows China – Part Nine
The DVDs alone has made the trip to China so memorable. I mean more important things have happened. Like The Great Wall, Terracotta Warriors, Hong Kong, Dim Sum, Chinese friends and many other things. I've been sleeping weird though, having to take Melatonin to rest my head.
Therefore my dreams have been wacky. I had a strange sexual dream last night, which left me rather aroused and bothered. I had a dream that was very Hostel-esque, people getting ripped apart. I then went to bed again after waking with a start, I dreamt I was drowning and needed to take a breath. I knew I was asleep and I knew if I didn't wake up I would stop breathing in my sleep.
I'm watching To Die For, a movie that once created a lot of drama in my family. When I was say, 14 years old and my cousin was 12/13. To Die For was on HBO and my cousin told me that his mother said it was okay for him to watch it. So we did. This movie is utterly brilliant. Nicole Kidman isn't over acting, she is acting correctly. Suzanne is cheap and fake. Ms. Kidman captures it.
I digress. The script isn't great, but it's written like a trashy TV Drama, which is why it's so good. We watched it and a few days later my cousin told his mother. She came over with him and "reprimanded" my mother for allowing me and her child to watch a movie with sexual issues and murder.
My mother was livid. Livid. I remember sitting in the living room with my cousin, trying to ignore my mother's screams and shouts. You see, my cousins family life was nothing to this movie. The thing is because of that event, I wrote off this movie for years and years. In my mind is was trashy and not worth my time. Which is a lie. It's more than that. I would love to see if a musical would work out. If it does I'll be jealous, because it's a smart idea. I am against movie musicals, as we should know. I am for movies that are not deemed as good, made into fun musicals. Like Xanadu.
This is one of those cases...
Therefore my dreams have been wacky. I had a strange sexual dream last night, which left me rather aroused and bothered. I had a dream that was very Hostel-esque, people getting ripped apart. I then went to bed again after waking with a start, I dreamt I was drowning and needed to take a breath. I knew I was asleep and I knew if I didn't wake up I would stop breathing in my sleep.
I'm watching To Die For, a movie that once created a lot of drama in my family. When I was say, 14 years old and my cousin was 12/13. To Die For was on HBO and my cousin told me that his mother said it was okay for him to watch it. So we did. This movie is utterly brilliant. Nicole Kidman isn't over acting, she is acting correctly. Suzanne is cheap and fake. Ms. Kidman captures it.
I digress. The script isn't great, but it's written like a trashy TV Drama, which is why it's so good. We watched it and a few days later my cousin told his mother. She came over with him and "reprimanded" my mother for allowing me and her child to watch a movie with sexual issues and murder.
My mother was livid. Livid. I remember sitting in the living room with my cousin, trying to ignore my mother's screams and shouts. You see, my cousins family life was nothing to this movie. The thing is because of that event, I wrote off this movie for years and years. In my mind is was trashy and not worth my time. Which is a lie. It's more than that. I would love to see if a musical would work out. If it does I'll be jealous, because it's a smart idea. I am against movie musicals, as we should know. I am for movies that are not deemed as good, made into fun musicals. Like Xanadu.
This is one of those cases...
Sunday, January 13
Now on a lighter note.
Funny, it's the final ten days of China and people are dropping off like flies. The older people are all dropping off, paying extra to go home early. Which I was tempted to do for ten seconds. Then I realized my chances of going to China ever again are super rare and well. I can suffer through a few more days.
I miss the Tall Man I admit. He's responding well to my random emails that often involve me saying hello and how much I can't wait to be naked with him. I am not thinking about it really, I really enjoy his presence. Yet, in the back of my mind this works. I get a little nervous that it's just going to be The Gentleman Caller all over again. We don't want that, now do we? As long as the Tall Man wants to continue what has been going on like when I left. I only see positive things happening.
I am glad I haven't gained much weight on this trip, despite the eating I've been doing. I can't wait to return to the gym. I brought my running shoes with the all intensive purposes of running daily here. Yet, the cold weather and the amount of events that have been happening have left me saying. One month is one month. I have enough time to run and lose any of the weight I gained when I return to my gym membership.
Speaking of which, I am trying to figure out what is going to happen when I am Independent of my parents...very, very shortly...Then I become an adult...
Okay, Melatonin is kicking in...getting sleepy...
I miss the Tall Man I admit. He's responding well to my random emails that often involve me saying hello and how much I can't wait to be naked with him. I am not thinking about it really, I really enjoy his presence. Yet, in the back of my mind this works. I get a little nervous that it's just going to be The Gentleman Caller all over again. We don't want that, now do we? As long as the Tall Man wants to continue what has been going on like when I left. I only see positive things happening.
I am glad I haven't gained much weight on this trip, despite the eating I've been doing. I can't wait to return to the gym. I brought my running shoes with the all intensive purposes of running daily here. Yet, the cold weather and the amount of events that have been happening have left me saying. One month is one month. I have enough time to run and lose any of the weight I gained when I return to my gym membership.
Speaking of which, I am trying to figure out what is going to happen when I am Independent of my parents...very, very shortly...Then I become an adult...
Okay, Melatonin is kicking in...getting sleepy...
Monday, December 24
Holday Cheer Pt 3
Sleeping on the night before holidays has never went well for me. I try, but I feel so anxious. I took some kind of sleeping supplement, I bought it for the trip to China. It'll hopefully help. If not, then it's gonna be a slow boat to China...as the phrase goes. This time literally.
I saw Sweeney Todd the movie tonight. Eh. That's all I can really say. It was about ten minutes in that I realized it was never meant for the screen. The show is genius, the lyrics are brilliant. It moved way to quickly to really feel anything. Plus watching Mrs. Lovett burn up was almost comical to watch. I was happy that Toby was defined as a boy, rather than a man child.
Christmas is a strange season. As usual, I was home for about 30 seconds and now I'm leaving again. I'll be with my family on Christmas, which is nice. I'll drink a little and feel all tipsy. Before the day is done I'll be bus bound to Brooklyn. Then the next day to relax and pack. Then to JFK to go to China.
There wasn't a day this weekend that I slept in past 8:45, which is odd. What is wrong with me? Why can't I sleep in anymore? Maybe I'll do that on the 26th, seeing as I don't have to go to the gym.
This Christmas shall not be difficult. I feel as if there's always some anthill to climb, yet it feels like a mountain. Why is that? Little Children, I felt just like Kate Winslet. We live on dreams. The scene where she is spying on Patrick Wilson and sees his wife and just bursts into tears. I've felt that before. She makes a simple affair into an infatuation, how typical of the dreamers of life.
I think it's time to TRY to sleep. Perhaps Beckett will push me into dreamland. I haven't enjoyed my dreams since I've been home. Hopefully tonight will not continue the trend.
I saw Sweeney Todd the movie tonight. Eh. That's all I can really say. It was about ten minutes in that I realized it was never meant for the screen. The show is genius, the lyrics are brilliant. It moved way to quickly to really feel anything. Plus watching Mrs. Lovett burn up was almost comical to watch. I was happy that Toby was defined as a boy, rather than a man child.
Christmas is a strange season. As usual, I was home for about 30 seconds and now I'm leaving again. I'll be with my family on Christmas, which is nice. I'll drink a little and feel all tipsy. Before the day is done I'll be bus bound to Brooklyn. Then the next day to relax and pack. Then to JFK to go to China.
There wasn't a day this weekend that I slept in past 8:45, which is odd. What is wrong with me? Why can't I sleep in anymore? Maybe I'll do that on the 26th, seeing as I don't have to go to the gym.
This Christmas shall not be difficult. I feel as if there's always some anthill to climb, yet it feels like a mountain. Why is that? Little Children, I felt just like Kate Winslet. We live on dreams. The scene where she is spying on Patrick Wilson and sees his wife and just bursts into tears. I've felt that before. She makes a simple affair into an infatuation, how typical of the dreamers of life.
I think it's time to TRY to sleep. Perhaps Beckett will push me into dreamland. I haven't enjoyed my dreams since I've been home. Hopefully tonight will not continue the trend.
Thursday, December 20
Insomnia Blues
There's something about Nell Carter screaming at who I imagine to be Michael Bennett in an early demo recording of One Night Only, that makes me smile like a giddy school girl.
I am too eager to sleep. Tomorrow I have one final (granted I'd like to attend the gym) and then I'm spending my last day in Brooklyn with the Tall Man. This makes me immensely content. It's been a long while that kissing someone has made me feel warm. Which therefore means it will end disastrously.
I've been watching movie trailers: Prince Caspian, Funny Games U.S. and Cloverfield all look VERY good. Of course the next movie on my list is Sweeney Todd, it will be seen before China. I listened to the soundtrack and nodded approvingly. I think a lot of it's to be felt and seen in the movie itself. The soundtrack sounded scarce. I can say though that I love Toby actually being a BOY. Not some man-child like the original. Also the switching of Joanna before God That's Good!
Samuel Beckett is my new love of life. I can't explain why. He speaks to me in ways many authors haven't. I think, years ago, when I first read Waiting for Godot and kids in high school poo-poo'd it. How could I not feel that this is what "good" writing isn't.
Now this may come off as extremely nerdy, or ridiculous. I'll let you be the judge. I cannot wait, I have actually felt anticipation too, to read Beckett's plays. Like I am finishing Molloy as we speak. I will never think about sucking stones the same way again. Or the infinite ways they can be placed in coat pockets.
I am too eager to sleep. Tomorrow I have one final (granted I'd like to attend the gym) and then I'm spending my last day in Brooklyn with the Tall Man. This makes me immensely content. It's been a long while that kissing someone has made me feel warm. Which therefore means it will end disastrously.
I've been watching movie trailers: Prince Caspian, Funny Games U.S. and Cloverfield all look VERY good. Of course the next movie on my list is Sweeney Todd, it will be seen before China. I listened to the soundtrack and nodded approvingly. I think a lot of it's to be felt and seen in the movie itself. The soundtrack sounded scarce. I can say though that I love Toby actually being a BOY. Not some man-child like the original. Also the switching of Joanna before God That's Good!
Samuel Beckett is my new love of life. I can't explain why. He speaks to me in ways many authors haven't. I think, years ago, when I first read Waiting for Godot and kids in high school poo-poo'd it. How could I not feel that this is what "good" writing isn't.
Now this may come off as extremely nerdy, or ridiculous. I'll let you be the judge. I cannot wait, I have actually felt anticipation too, to read Beckett's plays. Like I am finishing Molloy as we speak. I will never think about sucking stones the same way again. Or the infinite ways they can be placed in coat pockets.
Tuesday, December 18
Some Thoughts on Matters...
As I walk down the streets of Park Slope in this chilly weather, in my stolen coat that fits well, but is missing a button. I tend to be distracted by my shadow, which I agree sounds ridiculous and is playing the old saying. Yet, I can't help that I have a nice silhouette, especially since the way the coat shapes my body. I walk forward without looking up for moments at a time. I am not trying to be immodest, these thoughts come naturally.
Another feeling that comes in this chilly weather, is the want to be naked. Not necessarily naked, but scantily clad. I have the feeling of wanting to be in underwear or less lying on a warm bed. I don't think I am actually sensual at all, I more or less believe that I am sensually deficient. I need others to get a fix. Don't get me wrong, I am wonderful at displaying sensuality to others with touch and breath, but when not helped by a catalyst. I am utterly unable.
Another feeling that comes in this chilly weather, is the want to be naked. Not necessarily naked, but scantily clad. I have the feeling of wanting to be in underwear or less lying on a warm bed. I don't think I am actually sensual at all, I more or less believe that I am sensually deficient. I need others to get a fix. Don't get me wrong, I am wonderful at displaying sensuality to others with touch and breath, but when not helped by a catalyst. I am utterly unable.
Sunday, December 9
Xanadu
Xanadu has once again played an important moment in my life.
I did 'shrooms for the first time with some friends while we "watched" Xanadu. By watch I mean we laid and looked at the light refracting off the silver metal in a bowl on the ceiling.
I am recording this for purely memorable purposes. So if you don't find this funny or it seems ridiculous then ignore. But it was very crazy. With each ELO song we had these mini adventures that kept coming.
In the light I saw God...well it took a while for him to come. He did show up though. It was very strange to be in the presence of God, mainly because I didn't have anything planned to say. So we just chatted for a little while. I began to cry a little, but let the emotions happen.
God kept shifting in an out of the form of the Virgin Mary. Once again, very awkward. Yet, I felt more comfortable with Mary than with God. I am drawn to the female figures of life, so it only seems appropriate.
Then one of the friends went to the bathroom and in my body, I began to scream. Well it was a laugh that eventually became a loud scream. Which suddenly became my purging of all the anger out of my body. Which became more of a braying than my screaming.
I returned to see God and realized that he was actually Lawrence Oliver. So I began to start shouting out Lawrence's name for a long while. At one point I did have a stare down with God. I think I won though, cause his eye did waver. In return for my conquest he gave me the gift to feel light and time. I began bending it with my hands. I felt the strings of light in the atmosphere. It was a very silky feeling (go figure).
While this was happening my friend developed a love affair with my ear. Just my ear. Not me, my ear. It was okay with me.
Then I began to sink into the floor a little. I was falling and screaming for some time. I didn't want to be lost. The light returned and I was content again.
So, yea. Xanadu.
I did 'shrooms for the first time with some friends while we "watched" Xanadu. By watch I mean we laid and looked at the light refracting off the silver metal in a bowl on the ceiling.
I am recording this for purely memorable purposes. So if you don't find this funny or it seems ridiculous then ignore. But it was very crazy. With each ELO song we had these mini adventures that kept coming.
In the light I saw God...well it took a while for him to come. He did show up though. It was very strange to be in the presence of God, mainly because I didn't have anything planned to say. So we just chatted for a little while. I began to cry a little, but let the emotions happen.
God kept shifting in an out of the form of the Virgin Mary. Once again, very awkward. Yet, I felt more comfortable with Mary than with God. I am drawn to the female figures of life, so it only seems appropriate.
Then one of the friends went to the bathroom and in my body, I began to scream. Well it was a laugh that eventually became a loud scream. Which suddenly became my purging of all the anger out of my body. Which became more of a braying than my screaming.
I returned to see God and realized that he was actually Lawrence Oliver. So I began to start shouting out Lawrence's name for a long while. At one point I did have a stare down with God. I think I won though, cause his eye did waver. In return for my conquest he gave me the gift to feel light and time. I began bending it with my hands. I felt the strings of light in the atmosphere. It was a very silky feeling (go figure).
While this was happening my friend developed a love affair with my ear. Just my ear. Not me, my ear. It was okay with me.
Then I began to sink into the floor a little. I was falling and screaming for some time. I didn't want to be lost. The light returned and I was content again.
So, yea. Xanadu.
Thursday, December 6
Another Night Alone...
So after listening to Rufus Does Judy, the travesty remake of Judy Garland's Legendary Carnegie Hall Concert...I don't even know why I ever feared Rufus was trying to "outdo" Ms. Garland in the first place? It's enjoyable as an ode...a mediocre ode in my opinion. He gets some songs down well and the others he misses.
I listened to a bootleg version of The Little Mermaid (I tell you today has NOT been a good musical day). I do still want to see the show, but it was boring from what is sounded like. Ursula was good, Sherie really captured the Campy Octopus. As a gay man I must love the overly campy parts...I just must!
Lastly, I listened to a full record of BARE: A Pop Opera. And I ask you, REALLY? Really? It's decent, but so strangely upsetting and over the top. Not even all that enjoyable. Everyone seems to be a horrible archetype of what I wouldn't want to be. And then the gay guy dies? Since I don't know the story...he kills himself? What I love most is that they're putting on a musical version of Romeo and Juliet. Which is supposed to reflect the gay couples nature. And there's the Sista Nun...who is a nun...but sassy enough to help out the homos.
It was too much to take at some points. And the whole bonding while at a Rave. Oh that was priceless.
I left work today, not having done any work for school and listened to these three shows and feeling utterly exhausted. I need to listen to something good tomorrow. I really need to focus on finals, and yet I can't. Does that mean I'm becoming an adult.
I did register for classes to much success. I'm on my way...I truly am...
I listened to a bootleg version of The Little Mermaid (I tell you today has NOT been a good musical day). I do still want to see the show, but it was boring from what is sounded like. Ursula was good, Sherie really captured the Campy Octopus. As a gay man I must love the overly campy parts...I just must!
Lastly, I listened to a full record of BARE: A Pop Opera. And I ask you, REALLY? Really? It's decent, but so strangely upsetting and over the top. Not even all that enjoyable. Everyone seems to be a horrible archetype of what I wouldn't want to be. And then the gay guy dies? Since I don't know the story...he kills himself? What I love most is that they're putting on a musical version of Romeo and Juliet. Which is supposed to reflect the gay couples nature. And there's the Sista Nun...who is a nun...but sassy enough to help out the homos.
It was too much to take at some points. And the whole bonding while at a Rave. Oh that was priceless.
I left work today, not having done any work for school and listened to these three shows and feeling utterly exhausted. I need to listen to something good tomorrow. I really need to focus on finals, and yet I can't. Does that mean I'm becoming an adult.
I did register for classes to much success. I'm on my way...I truly am...
Tuesday, December 4
1:22:49 AM Friend: i feel like bedtime stories should have happy endings
1:22:53 AM Friend: and maybe some element of magic
1:23:07 AM EccentricIguana: Okay here's a good one that relates to me and you and yesterday
1:23:11 AM Friend: k
1:23:21 AM EccentricIguana: It's got a justifiable ending. Not necessarily happy...
1:23:58 AM EccentricIguana: Last year, as I was working on The Comedy of Errors at my school as a Dresser I walked by a guy who was in the same building as me
1:24:27 AM EccentricIguana: We smiled at each other and for the first time in my life I'd smiled at another guy and could tell he was openly flirting with me with his eyes
1:24:33 AM EccentricIguana: not that casual look
1:24:40 AM EccentricIguana: like is he checking me out or not
1:24:44 AM EccentricIguana: It was full on
1:25:11 AM EccentricIguana: I said hello in my awkward way and we both laughed nervous. I found out he was a music major studying the Viola
1:25:24 AM EccentricIguana: I told him I had to go work on my play and perhaps I'd see him around
1:25:52 AM EccentricIguana: Low and behold I found out he had herhersals in the next theater over and while I was dressing the actors he came and said hello
1:26:39 AM EccentricIguana: We talked, I nervous as I often am and him too. We chatted and I learned he was a Violist and I was a dresser...not an actor...My friend working with me was in love with the idea I met someone.
1:27:24 AM EccentricIguana: The next day in a class in the same building I was telling people this funny story of my new "boyfriend" as I jokingly called him (it was a small class of about 6 people and we are all close as classmates can be, I often told stories to entertain them).
1:27:35 AM EccentricIguana: I told them how I kept bumping into this kid and it must be fate
1:28:07 AM EccentricIguana: And about 20 minutes after this story he somehow found my
class and popped his head in to say hello everyone laugh and I was immidately smitten
1:28:53 AM EccentricIguana: The fflirting went on as the weeks continue until the last day of my show and the last day of his as well. He lives in Prospect Heights and was telling me about his dogs and I said I would like to meet these dogs.
1:29:11 AM EccentricIguana: This is before I lived here...keep that in mind. I'd literally just looked at my apartment
1:29:18 AM EccentricIguana: So anyway....
1:30:13 AM EccentricIguana: I met up and met his two adorable dogs, one of which had lost it's leg to Cancer and was the bravest dog I'd ever seen. We chatted, I found out he was older and owned his apartment. Me being in my sad state at the time felt jealous, but didn't necessarily mind
1:30:27 AM EccentricIguana: we went to dinner and chatted more. Then came my fatal mistake
1:30:49 AM Friend: haha
1:31:30 AM EccentricIguana: We sat down and talked at his apartment after dinner. This is why I was nervous to tell you my story because especially at this time I was in the height of it all. It was all on the edge of ending and he asked why my year could've been so bad...and like a damn overflowing I spilled everything
1:32:08 AM EccentricIguana: As I spoke I kept thinking, "You're a fool telling him this...stop talking..." Chelsea, scabies, staph infection, all of it came out. Smiling the whole while.
1:33:08 AM EccentricIguana: I could tell he was shocked and I felt absolutely defeated by the end (as I did a little yesterday) and decided it was time to go my way and say goodbye. He walked me to the door and I went to give him a hug. to my utter surprise he pulled me in and proceeded to kiss me passionately on the lips
1:33:35 AM EccentricIguana: I pulled away sort of confused, but totally loving what happened, as he pulled me in for another kiss
1:34:02 AM EccentricIguana: A coy smile and a soft goodbye from him I walked away from his door floating...I even got on the train but it was going the wrong way...
1:34:16 AM EccentricIguana: The story should end here, it's almost done, but it doesn't
1:34:44 AM Friend: : )
1:35:04 AM EccentricIguana: He never spoke to me again. A common trait that has happened to me many times in my life. Something I really don't enjoy, but it happens always at the right time to remind you that people will do this sort of thing
1:35:51 AM EccentricIguana: I called him a couple of times and left a couple of voicemails and decided it must've been what I originally thought. My insanity was too much, and he probably just wanted the kiss to at least know what it was like, but not have to commit to anything REALLY.
1:36:35 AM EccentricIguana: For months, the entire summer I was upset about it. Why would he do such a thing? Kiss me so passionately and never return a call. I didn't even initiate the kiss, he did!
1:36:43 AM Friend: right!
1:36:51 AM Friend: so confusing : (
1:36:59 AM EccentricIguana: Low and behold I move to his neighborhood, right down the street from where we went to dinner
1:38:07 AM EccentricIguana: I saw my friend who was in love with the whole event after the summewr and told her what happened, I ended with, "I just want to know...I just want to ask him...what did I do. I'd like to know for future reference. I am holding out for when I see him on the subway." She told me that's not likely to happen...I said you're right and put it away in my mind...
1:38:19 AM EccentricIguana: Epilogue: Last Tuesday
1:38:50 AM EccentricIguana: I was coming home from school after my China Orientation, just
having arrived back from New Orleans only a few hours earlier
1:40:16 AM EccentricIguana: I was getting off the Subway and I see the boy. I swallow my nervousness and call out his name. He turns and smiles, I smile to him and say hello. How have you been? That usual answer of busy. Oh so have I, I'm going to China soon...and without missing a beat I asked him, "What happened? Why didn't you ever call me back?"
1:41:48 AM EccentricIguana: I was surprised with my own forwardness. Something I'm not really that known to do, voice my feelings like that....He said he got busy and wasn't man enough to call and let me know. I replied with, "It's okay if you think I'm crazy. I just wanna know if I scared you away with that story. I kicked myself afterwards. That was a lot that you didn't need to know." I basically rambled, but it was what I needed to say.
1:42:10 AM EccentricIguana: I have no doubt in my mind I'll never hear from him again. But that confortation was one of the proudest moments of my life...
1:43:12 AM EccentricIguana: I know that I'm changing because I was able to do something like that, years ago I would've said hello and pretended that nothing happened and hoped we'd reconnect. I know I'm changing because of this little encounter. And for that I'm sort of glad.
1:43:14 AM EccentricIguana: The End
1:43:53 AM Friend: craig
1:44:06 AM EccentricIguana: yea
1:44:27 AM Friend: give me your forehead
1:44:39 AM EccentricIguana: huh?
1:44:53 AM EccentricIguana: what do you want to do with it?
1:45:00 AM Friend: i'm going to kiss it goodnight
1:22:53 AM Friend: and maybe some element of magic
1:23:07 AM EccentricIguana: Okay here's a good one that relates to me and you and yesterday
1:23:11 AM Friend: k
1:23:21 AM EccentricIguana: It's got a justifiable ending. Not necessarily happy...
1:23:58 AM EccentricIguana: Last year, as I was working on The Comedy of Errors at my school as a Dresser I walked by a guy who was in the same building as me
1:24:27 AM EccentricIguana: We smiled at each other and for the first time in my life I'd smiled at another guy and could tell he was openly flirting with me with his eyes
1:24:33 AM EccentricIguana: not that casual look
1:24:40 AM EccentricIguana: like is he checking me out or not
1:24:44 AM EccentricIguana: It was full on
1:25:11 AM EccentricIguana: I said hello in my awkward way and we both laughed nervous. I found out he was a music major studying the Viola
1:25:24 AM EccentricIguana: I told him I had to go work on my play and perhaps I'd see him around
1:25:52 AM EccentricIguana: Low and behold I found out he had herhersals in the next theater over and while I was dressing the actors he came and said hello
1:26:39 AM EccentricIguana: We talked, I nervous as I often am and him too. We chatted and I learned he was a Violist and I was a dresser...not an actor...My friend working with me was in love with the idea I met someone.
1:27:24 AM EccentricIguana: The next day in a class in the same building I was telling people this funny story of my new "boyfriend" as I jokingly called him (it was a small class of about 6 people and we are all close as classmates can be, I often told stories to entertain them).
1:27:35 AM EccentricIguana: I told them how I kept bumping into this kid and it must be fate
1:28:07 AM EccentricIguana: And about 20 minutes after this story he somehow found my
class and popped his head in to say hello everyone laugh and I was immidately smitten
1:28:53 AM EccentricIguana: The fflirting went on as the weeks continue until the last day of my show and the last day of his as well. He lives in Prospect Heights and was telling me about his dogs and I said I would like to meet these dogs.
1:29:11 AM EccentricIguana: This is before I lived here...keep that in mind. I'd literally just looked at my apartment
1:29:18 AM EccentricIguana: So anyway....
1:30:13 AM EccentricIguana: I met up and met his two adorable dogs, one of which had lost it's leg to Cancer and was the bravest dog I'd ever seen. We chatted, I found out he was older and owned his apartment. Me being in my sad state at the time felt jealous, but didn't necessarily mind
1:30:27 AM EccentricIguana: we went to dinner and chatted more. Then came my fatal mistake
1:30:49 AM Friend: haha
1:31:30 AM EccentricIguana: We sat down and talked at his apartment after dinner. This is why I was nervous to tell you my story because especially at this time I was in the height of it all. It was all on the edge of ending and he asked why my year could've been so bad...and like a damn overflowing I spilled everything
1:32:08 AM EccentricIguana: As I spoke I kept thinking, "You're a fool telling him this...stop talking..." Chelsea, scabies, staph infection, all of it came out. Smiling the whole while.
1:33:08 AM EccentricIguana: I could tell he was shocked and I felt absolutely defeated by the end (as I did a little yesterday) and decided it was time to go my way and say goodbye. He walked me to the door and I went to give him a hug. to my utter surprise he pulled me in and proceeded to kiss me passionately on the lips
1:33:35 AM EccentricIguana: I pulled away sort of confused, but totally loving what happened, as he pulled me in for another kiss
1:34:02 AM EccentricIguana: A coy smile and a soft goodbye from him I walked away from his door floating...I even got on the train but it was going the wrong way...
1:34:16 AM EccentricIguana: The story should end here, it's almost done, but it doesn't
1:34:44 AM Friend: : )
1:35:04 AM EccentricIguana: He never spoke to me again. A common trait that has happened to me many times in my life. Something I really don't enjoy, but it happens always at the right time to remind you that people will do this sort of thing
1:35:51 AM EccentricIguana: I called him a couple of times and left a couple of voicemails and decided it must've been what I originally thought. My insanity was too much, and he probably just wanted the kiss to at least know what it was like, but not have to commit to anything REALLY.
1:36:35 AM EccentricIguana: For months, the entire summer I was upset about it. Why would he do such a thing? Kiss me so passionately and never return a call. I didn't even initiate the kiss, he did!
1:36:43 AM Friend: right!
1:36:51 AM Friend: so confusing : (
1:36:59 AM EccentricIguana: Low and behold I move to his neighborhood, right down the street from where we went to dinner
1:38:07 AM EccentricIguana: I saw my friend who was in love with the whole event after the summewr and told her what happened, I ended with, "I just want to know...I just want to ask him...what did I do. I'd like to know for future reference. I am holding out for when I see him on the subway." She told me that's not likely to happen...I said you're right and put it away in my mind...
1:38:19 AM EccentricIguana: Epilogue: Last Tuesday
1:38:50 AM EccentricIguana: I was coming home from school after my China Orientation, just
having arrived back from New Orleans only a few hours earlier
1:40:16 AM EccentricIguana: I was getting off the Subway and I see the boy. I swallow my nervousness and call out his name. He turns and smiles, I smile to him and say hello. How have you been? That usual answer of busy. Oh so have I, I'm going to China soon...and without missing a beat I asked him, "What happened? Why didn't you ever call me back?"
1:41:48 AM EccentricIguana: I was surprised with my own forwardness. Something I'm not really that known to do, voice my feelings like that....He said he got busy and wasn't man enough to call and let me know. I replied with, "It's okay if you think I'm crazy. I just wanna know if I scared you away with that story. I kicked myself afterwards. That was a lot that you didn't need to know." I basically rambled, but it was what I needed to say.
1:42:10 AM EccentricIguana: I have no doubt in my mind I'll never hear from him again. But that confortation was one of the proudest moments of my life...
1:43:12 AM EccentricIguana: I know that I'm changing because I was able to do something like that, years ago I would've said hello and pretended that nothing happened and hoped we'd reconnect. I know I'm changing because of this little encounter. And for that I'm sort of glad.
1:43:14 AM EccentricIguana: The End
1:43:53 AM Friend: craig
1:44:06 AM EccentricIguana: yea
1:44:27 AM Friend: give me your forehead
1:44:39 AM EccentricIguana: huh?
1:44:53 AM EccentricIguana: what do you want to do with it?
1:45:00 AM Friend: i'm going to kiss it goodnight
Sunday, November 18
I Resolve...
I swear, the day that an attractive gay man under the age of...let's say...27 finds me attractive enough to actually ACT on it, will be a day that I will forever remember!
I don't know what happened?! Where did I go terribly wrong? I had two chances this weekend, where I was there. He was there (and under 27). And we knew why we were there. Sex was supposed to be had. It was going to happen and yet it didn't.
I swear, I really don't enjoy being an aggressive bottom. It's like being Ethel Merman. We're both very good at what we do, yet we seem out of place.
That's exactly it, when bottoms have to be aggressive it's just like Ethel Merman's entire career.
Don't even start me on what Rose's Turn means in my life...
I don't know what happened?! Where did I go terribly wrong? I had two chances this weekend, where I was there. He was there (and under 27). And we knew why we were there. Sex was supposed to be had. It was going to happen and yet it didn't.
I swear, I really don't enjoy being an aggressive bottom. It's like being Ethel Merman. We're both very good at what we do, yet we seem out of place.
That's exactly it, when bottoms have to be aggressive it's just like Ethel Merman's entire career.
Baby if I'm the bottom, you're the top...
Don't even start me on what Rose's Turn means in my life...
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