Knowing When To Leave

Go while the going is good

Jill O'Hara sang is very well, but Betty Buckley is redefining it for me right now. In my regular insomnia of cycle that I've been having for weeks now. I'll fall asleep soon I am very sure of it. I skipped the gym today and that was my folly. I wanted to get rest from the early wake up call of Saturday. Yet, it was a sleep filled with nightmares.

Knowing when to leave may be the smartest thing that anyone can learn.

I watched at people got crushed and contorted, yet still remained alive. I watched people I didn't know get tortured and I was helpless to do anything. I just watched. No one specifically in my life really. It could've been the cast of Heroes and I wouldn't have known who they were.

At one point a monstrous wardrobe swallowed two people and the doors slammed shut. I rushed to it to hear their screams as they were slowly being digested on the inside. I wanted to try and crack it open, but I have seen one to many movies and knew that they were lost and even if I got them out, they'd be a mess. So I let them die...

I'm afraid my heart, isn't very smart...

In other news. I am buying a sewing machine tomorrow. Part of my stress has been school and getting all my sewing done. I don't have time to sign up during my free time with everything else. Also, since I enjoy Costume Construction and actually am very interested in it, I don't want to do badly in the class because of my lack of time. With other classes this feeling on inadequacy has made me want to just take a Sabbatical. Find myself. Which leads me to my next topic...

Foolish as it seems, I still have my dreams.

I have been in a horrible mood in the last week. Bad news didn't help. Added with frustration and other things. I have come to the conclusion I am horribly unhappy with myself. I can't clearly articulate the feelings, but it's late and I am going to try...

I am at the point that I feel like a standstill. Change is coming, whether if be forced or not. Idle hands are the Devils playground, I suppose. Yet my idle hands haven't touched that swing set in a while. I am disgusted with people who are older than 25, right now. Why?

So I keep hoping day after day as I wait for the man I mean.

The Gentleman Caller says that I shouldn't feel like an object. HA! Of all the people to say such a thing. He is a friend, I do agree. Yet, I sometimes wonder how long I will be held onto until he solves his issues with himself and meets someone and suddenly I'm just the 21 year old who was.

The phrase that caught me was, "We can do the deed when we're at Busch Gardens." The deed?

Well I don't want to bother you, but since we're sharing the same bed I guess I could oblige you, Sir.

I am glad truly glad you made some guy have the best sex of his life the other day. I truly am. Yet when you said, "Then why doesn't he return back if I was so amazing?" I wanted to just raise my hand. Instead, I gagged in my mouth for a moment, resisting the urge to scream. I have to wait three weeks to have sex with you? Seriously?

Deep down, whoever you are...

Then there is the Cyclist. Who's blatant objectifying me is as obvious as the awful text messages he sends me. He was on a role this Sunday until he blundered it up. I had to cut him off and let him go. Like those fish I caught this summer. Sea Bass truly are the worst fish to catch and must be sent back.

My mother raised something to be proud of, not a Distraction.

The moment came later that night. In a sign that only myself and a few others can appreciate. I will retell the tale though, since it must be told:

I was riding the subway. Biting my lip and trying to read The Golden Compass. Meanwhile, down the train was an adorable gay couple. My age I'd guess, scruffy and in that moment of their relationship where only they felt each other existed. Both very attractive.

I do believe at this point my lip started to bleed.

At every stop I watched them to see if they'd leave, wondering where two adorable guys like that would be heading to. Probably Christopher St or something. Yet they didn't get off. I started to wonder the last time I ever felt that way with a guy. I don't know if I ever have...

No I have, when I was younger, in my teens. When I believed that guys were capable of that type of romance. Then down the train there was proof that it still happens...to others. I had a pure teenager moment when I thought, "They why hasn't it happened to me?"

As I turned to read my book, my gaze was caught instead by something else. I saw myself in the reflection of the Subway window. If there is a reflection you don't want to see yourself in and suddenly have a revelation. It's in a subway window, while two gay guys cuddled only feet away.

Yet I looked at myself.

To add the the moment, Lucy and Jessie started to play on my ipod. A song I knew was soon to be followed with Live, Laugh, Love. This song was just after Losing My Mind played. Let me tell you, never before has three songs in consecutive order EVER made such a moment in my life. I watch the couple as Barbara Cook sings, "Losing my Mind."

You said you loved me...or were you just being kind.

Then I see myself and Lucy and Jessie starts to ring out of Lee Remick's mouth. I just stared at myself. What did I do to deserve this moment? What did I see? I saw someone who I couldn't take seriously. I was wearing a tight fitting shirt that I got from a teenage girl's store and made my body look...well good.

Yet I wondered what do people see when they see me? Do they laugh that I would wear this? Do they seem something frivolous, not worth more than sex? Do they feel intimidated? Something not worth more than a moments glance?

Here comes, Live, Laugh, Love. I can't stop the thoughts now. Things need to change, I see something that other people don't. I don't know what the difference is, but it confuses me. I wish I could see myself through others eyes. So I could get a grasp onto things.

Success is swell, success is sweet...

The train came to my stop. And I saw it coming as the couple got off the train with me. To do what people in love do at 10:30 pm. I can't possibly tell you what anymore. Sleep? Talk about the future together?

Me I like to live! Me I like to love, Me I like...me...love..me...I don't love me...

I think it's time to try that sleeping thing...