I was upset so I sat in my room with a paper bag over my head. Inside the paper bag I looked around, felt cramped and absurd. If someone could see me the would probably break out in laughter. So in my stress I broke out in tears.
Realist, let's be real right now! In less than two weeks I am going to New Orleans, I feel like such a world traveler. I will watch my wallet, but I intend to enjoy myself. I can do this, I think.
The job search. When does it happen, I have a couple of lame options. They're options though.
I finished reading The Beautiful Room Is Empty. Very good novel, so earnest and sincere.
I have been feeling sad recently, it's a tough feeling to fight. It's fall and things are changing. We are trying new things (ie: Paper Bag on head) and seeing different results (ie: Tears).
This weekend is dedicated to homework. Model building, studying, outlining, drafting, etc. Just need to get through this semester and it'll be okay. It'll be okay.
Friday, November 14
Thursday, November 13
Tuesday, November 11
San Francisco Reflection
I wrote this on the plane ride home today:
San Francisco to New York. Fleeing the daylight as quickly as I can. The other end of the country, a place that came and went in five days. I left at 4:30 AM and had to hold back tears. It’s not like I suddenly hate New York City, but the difference of the cities is stunning.
I am excited to return to New York and I plan listening to Liza Minnelli Live at Carnegie Hall . When she sings, I Happen to Like New York and then finishes with New York, New York. I will be home.
San Francisco is where I will go to die, I think. No, no that’s a touch harsh. It’s true what they say, “You don’t move to New York to rest peacefully.” I think I may have made that saying up. Or a wise man once told me, I forget which. I can only presume that the opposite end of the country is where you go to rest peacefully.
I met some of the locales and enjoyed their quirkiness. Jim is an interesting guy, my San Franciscan Connection, for this I am eternally grateful. Cool, cute and calculated. He’s got a plan and intends to follow through. He captures the world through a camera lens and I find that a worthy cause to live for. I love his photos.
The waitress at It’s Top’s Diner. During both my trips there she discussed politics rather heatedly. She ran the counter and chatted with me as if I’d come into the diner everyday for years. She wasn’t annoying and she often got her point across eloquently enough.
The girl from New Orleans, but not lives in San Francisco whom sat next to me at Hemlock Tavern. She placed her wine down and simply said, “I am just putting this on the table. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to be friendly or anything.” I smiled and we joked back and forth. Then quickly added, “I’m holding you up from being rude.” It was a completely harmless and fun interaction.
In New York, you’d probably get a lewd look, luckily I left the New Yorker Attitude on the East Coast. The only time it slipped out was when we missed a Trolley Car and I screamed out, “WELL FUCK YOU, TOO!” Since it was a tourist area, not to mention little kids were around, I got off looks. You can take the boy out of New York City...
When San Francisco is sunny, it’s like seeing an classic movie in Cinema-Scope. The colors are so lush I found my eyes tearing from the saturation. When it’s rainy the city changes drastically. It isn’t like a gray day in New York. It seems as if the city is in mourning. At one point during my stay the city became completely engulfed in fog. I couldn’t see an inch in front of me. My entire mood fell and thus I allowed myself to weep.
Will I move there? Why is that a question I keep hearing? The waitress, K, my mother and different others would randomly asked that. Is San Francisco where New Yorkers go to when they’ve had enough? I suppose it’s only of the other cities to escape to. For it’s almost impossible to live in anything else after New York.
My soul, my spirit, my body and my mind have all been shaped by such a cruel mistress. In San Francisco, I was able to recapture something. To relive memories of my childhood I’d all but forgotten. Life would be quieter if I moved there, it’s only a fact that the city closes down at 2 AM. Silly Westerners, there were nights when my being didn’t begin until then.
I am home though. I am back in the state where I was born and raised. I am back in New York and the bloodline that connects me to this city, tainted yes, is of a superior strain. To move West would mean to change. To escape. Am I ready to escape?
Not quiet yet. It’s all a matter of order. Finish college, this annoying priority is ahead of any other decisions I make. I am 23-years-old...
I'm back home and finishing up a project. I'm sleepy and tired, but it feels nice to be back. Elizabeth was here to greet me. A friend texted me and asked if I wanted to go into the city for
dinner. The 5-hour plane ride I just got off of obviously didn't seem to matter, I should still come out into the city. It's acts like that that remind me, I am home.
Open your Golden Gate.
Sunday, November 9
Lost It Today
Today was a rainy day in San Francisco. At one point the fog swallowed the landscape completely, the view was ruined and nothing could be seen.
I decided to check my bank account status. The honeymoon was over. I'm still on vacation, and I will enjoy myself. As I bought some books today and ordered tickets to Alcatraz for tomorrow. I just realized how low my bank account is.
When K returned to the apartment I burst into tears. I wrote myself a postcard. I told myself to stay strong, that these issues are only for now. I reread it aloud to K and was crying by the end of the postcard.
It was expected though, the tears I mean. So much excitement and happiness over the last few days. Then the fog comes in and I turn into an emotional mess. I am realizing that life is here to stay, you can't live in Oz forever. Eventually you'll have to return home.
I sat there crying and fretting. I need a job! There's so much homework to be done! How am I ever going to graduate? Why can't this happiness last? Will the city be grayer when I return?
The last time I felt like I wanted to cry this much was on April 1st. I had to remind myself that the game of life was starting again. I had to make sure I still was alert. It's time for a job, somehow you'll work. Someway you will work. Think and it will become a reality.
Life will always be this way, you have been neglecting your duties as a human being. You've been allowing yourself to much joy. Is that a true fact? Personally I blame my college, which is why I feel like it was so easy to leave it.
I'll return and get my shit together, the memories of San Francisco fresh in my mind. The tears have stopped flowing and I have regained my composure.
I decided to check my bank account status. The honeymoon was over. I'm still on vacation, and I will enjoy myself. As I bought some books today and ordered tickets to Alcatraz for tomorrow. I just realized how low my bank account is.
When K returned to the apartment I burst into tears. I wrote myself a postcard. I told myself to stay strong, that these issues are only for now. I reread it aloud to K and was crying by the end of the postcard.
It was expected though, the tears I mean. So much excitement and happiness over the last few days. Then the fog comes in and I turn into an emotional mess. I am realizing that life is here to stay, you can't live in Oz forever. Eventually you'll have to return home.
I sat there crying and fretting. I need a job! There's so much homework to be done! How am I ever going to graduate? Why can't this happiness last? Will the city be grayer when I return?
The last time I felt like I wanted to cry this much was on April 1st. I had to remind myself that the game of life was starting again. I had to make sure I still was alert. It's time for a job, somehow you'll work. Someway you will work. Think and it will become a reality.
Life will always be this way, you have been neglecting your duties as a human being. You've been allowing yourself to much joy. Is that a true fact? Personally I blame my college, which is why I feel like it was so easy to leave it.
I'll return and get my shit together, the memories of San Francisco fresh in my mind. The tears have stopped flowing and I have regained my composure.
Friday, November 7
Anti-Prop 8 Protest and The March of City Hall
Tonight I was part of an Anti-Prop 8 Protest in San Francisco. We stumbled upon it right outside of K’s apartment. It started off as a group of about 40-60 people blocking the street shouting out, “What we do we want? EQUAL RIGHTS! When do we want it? RIGHT NOW!!” I felt a charge, nothing major, but one that put a smile on my face and an extra beat in my chest. Yet, I wondered if these 60 people were the only ones who cared about Equality.
After about Ten minutes the group of 40 slowly turned around to face the other side of the street. There was a quiet calm and in the distance a huge mass of bodies was moving down Market St! They had walked to Dolores Park and back. Gathering more and more followers in their wake. Now they were ready to march on city hall (which was only two blocks away from where we were). I quickly called K, told her to move, cause we were marching on City Hall!
K and I quickly joined the march. Shouting proudly and walking amongst people who all believed in Equal Rights! Oh, the energy of it all! It was astounding. Suddenly, I knew that I have discovered a passion I feel so greatly towards. My friend (a native New Yorker) was telling me that Homosexuals from the West are to complacent and not passionate about anything anymore. Was this complacency? Does that mean the homosexual population in New York City is close to death?
The whole feeling was amazing! Coming here at 15, having just come out. I never foresaw in 8 years I would be returning and marching for such a historic cause! This trip keeps making circles in my life. I feel increasing clarity each day. Though I know the real world will return the moment I set foot back in the city. I will be jobless, I will feel alone, I will still worry at night and I know that all these feelings won’t just go away. Tonight though! Tonight was for discovering, for experiencing and for taking it all in.
We reached City Hall and continued to shout. I grabbed K’s hand and quickly got us as close as I could to the hall. I texted friends back in NY and just felt so exhilirated to be there! We shouted and I took a step back. Suddenly, I bumped into a deity, I wanted to fall to my knees in Rapture. Our Messiah has descended.
A Drag Goddess dressed in all gold made her way up to the steps. She didn’t have a name, she was just one of the many who were here and were proud! Ironic as it all is, no one thought to bring a megaphone. Yet her voice rang out, not mic’d and as clear as any voice in the dark. The crowd soon fell silent.
“We are here for a common cause! We all believe in Equality! This march was formed spontaneously through text messages and emails. Through Myspace and Facebook messages! And somehow, I seem to have been voted as the leader!” The crowd broke out in loud cheers of excitement!
“Tonight a straight couple was walking down the street with their baby in a stroller, because they believe in equal rights! A lesbian couple was walking with their baby and I turned to them and said, ‘When your child is grown. No matter what sexuality, gender or race he will be. He WILL have the right to marry whomever he chooses!” We cheered more than ever! “It may take a while, but we will get there! Tonight is only the beginning!” Eva Peron had spoken and the Casa Rosada was alive with hope!
Oh, to be there was powerful! I have never protested for anything, because I rarely feel so strongly towards anything. I find everyday I want to be part of a gay cause. Fighting HIV/AIDS or fighting for Equality. Something, but for tonight, I was part of something and it will stay in my memory for the rest of my life!
After about Ten minutes the group of 40 slowly turned around to face the other side of the street. There was a quiet calm and in the distance a huge mass of bodies was moving down Market St! They had walked to Dolores Park and back. Gathering more and more followers in their wake. Now they were ready to march on city hall (which was only two blocks away from where we were). I quickly called K, told her to move, cause we were marching on City Hall!
K and I quickly joined the march. Shouting proudly and walking amongst people who all believed in Equal Rights! Oh, the energy of it all! It was astounding. Suddenly, I knew that I have discovered a passion I feel so greatly towards. My friend (a native New Yorker) was telling me that Homosexuals from the West are to complacent and not passionate about anything anymore. Was this complacency? Does that mean the homosexual population in New York City is close to death?
The whole feeling was amazing! Coming here at 15, having just come out. I never foresaw in 8 years I would be returning and marching for such a historic cause! This trip keeps making circles in my life. I feel increasing clarity each day. Though I know the real world will return the moment I set foot back in the city. I will be jobless, I will feel alone, I will still worry at night and I know that all these feelings won’t just go away. Tonight though! Tonight was for discovering, for experiencing and for taking it all in.
We reached City Hall and continued to shout. I grabbed K’s hand and quickly got us as close as I could to the hall. I texted friends back in NY and just felt so exhilirated to be there! We shouted and I took a step back. Suddenly, I bumped into a deity, I wanted to fall to my knees in Rapture. Our Messiah has descended.
A Drag Goddess dressed in all gold made her way up to the steps. She didn’t have a name, she was just one of the many who were here and were proud! Ironic as it all is, no one thought to bring a megaphone. Yet her voice rang out, not mic’d and as clear as any voice in the dark. The crowd soon fell silent.
“We are here for a common cause! We all believe in Equality! This march was formed spontaneously through text messages and emails. Through Myspace and Facebook messages! And somehow, I seem to have been voted as the leader!” The crowd broke out in loud cheers of excitement!
“Tonight a straight couple was walking down the street with their baby in a stroller, because they believe in equal rights! A lesbian couple was walking with their baby and I turned to them and said, ‘When your child is grown. No matter what sexuality, gender or race he will be. He WILL have the right to marry whomever he chooses!” We cheered more than ever! “It may take a while, but we will get there! Tonight is only the beginning!” Eva Peron had spoken and the Casa Rosada was alive with hope!
Oh, to be there was powerful! I have never protested for anything, because I rarely feel so strongly towards anything. I find everyday I want to be part of a gay cause. Fighting HIV/AIDS or fighting for Equality. Something, but for tonight, I was part of something and it will stay in my memory for the rest of my life!
The Castro
I felt like Dorothy leaving the house and entering Oz, everything was in color. The Castro is gayer than I ever pictured, but in a good way. In a way that writers unfold in their novels. It's so different from New York City, it's refreshing in a way. No one was cruising me when I walked by them, and I know it's not cause I'm ugly.
I met a Live Journal friend. Jim, whose name I'm not afraid to use, met me for lunch and we talked. The circle is complete. I know that I was a little excited, so I hope my personality didn't terrify him. We'll see tomorrow when he goes out dancing with me. If he doesn't then I'll know if I was to much. Oh, the joys of being an over sensitive Cancer. He was very nice and polite. As well, he was very put together
Moving along, he showed me some of the sights of the area. The park was beautiful and we had lunch at a cute diner. Except a diner in San Francisco is really nice, oh Jim, if I could show you what "diner" means in NYC. My favorite thing as when he showed me the Adobe Book Shop and I swear we saw a bum(an) who was feeling affects of the Heroin. I'm going back to the bookshop soon though, cause it's got used books and if there's anything I do now, it's read all the time.
Speaking of books, last night K gave me a signed copy of Tales of the City. What's odd is the other day I was thinking about that book (seeing as I was coming to San Francisco) and she got it for me.
Tomorrow is the Aquarium and dancing and other things I guess. I play is by ears.
Oh and I've decided that my new favorite gay author will soon be William S. Burroughs. It was only a matter of time. I think this trip is turning gears and cogs in my mind and life, I am discovering what I came here for. I knew it would happen, but wasn't sure how.
The weekend isn't over yet, it's only beginning.
I met a Live Journal friend. Jim, whose name I'm not afraid to use, met me for lunch and we talked. The circle is complete. I know that I was a little excited, so I hope my personality didn't terrify him. We'll see tomorrow when he goes out dancing with me. If he doesn't then I'll know if I was to much. Oh, the joys of being an over sensitive Cancer. He was very nice and polite. As well, he was very put together
Moving along, he showed me some of the sights of the area. The park was beautiful and we had lunch at a cute diner. Except a diner in San Francisco is really nice, oh Jim, if I could show you what "diner" means in NYC. My favorite thing as when he showed me the Adobe Book Shop and I swear we saw a bum(an) who was feeling affects of the Heroin. I'm going back to the bookshop soon though, cause it's got used books and if there's anything I do now, it's read all the time.
Speaking of books, last night K gave me a signed copy of Tales of the City. What's odd is the other day I was thinking about that book (seeing as I was coming to San Francisco) and she got it for me.
Tomorrow is the Aquarium and dancing and other things I guess. I play is by ears.
Oh and I've decided that my new favorite gay author will soon be William S. Burroughs. It was only a matter of time. I think this trip is turning gears and cogs in my mind and life, I am discovering what I came here for. I knew it would happen, but wasn't sure how.
The weekend isn't over yet, it's only beginning.
Thursday, November 6
San Fran Fun
I arrived safe and sound. Lovely to be with my friend. I'm upset because my roommate called me with news that no one was prepared for. I am here for five days and I plan to enjoy myself! Tomorrow I am seeing a friend and getting lunch and exploring!
Wednesday, November 5
This Is All I Can Relate To Right Now.
Chita Rivera and I just want to spread a little sunshine.
I was all over the city tonight watching the election. With friends in barrooms and in streets. In "Election Plaza" and then to Time Square. When we arrived at the hotel room it was done! There was shouting and excitement. A great speech by both parties and just a feeling of relief in the air.
Then there's Prop 8. We're holding our breath in this household. It's not the end, it's only the beginning. There's many new beginnings for everyone. Hurrah beginnings!
I was all over the city tonight watching the election. With friends in barrooms and in streets. In "Election Plaza" and then to Time Square. When we arrived at the hotel room it was done! There was shouting and excitement. A great speech by both parties and just a feeling of relief in the air.
Then there's Prop 8. We're holding our breath in this household. It's not the end, it's only the beginning. There's many new beginnings for everyone. Hurrah beginnings!
Sunday, November 2
The Gnawing Bother
I'm going to write before bed and see if that calms this anxious feeling in my stomach. Tomorrow is my Bio Midterm, something I feel under-prepared for, but will pass like all exams. Then is the election, oh I am sure I'm not the only one to be worrying about that.
Then the trip to San Francisco. Oh, that one I am really looking forward to. I am excited to meet people who I admire and great friends that I deeply love. To travel, what a thought. I would have never foreseen my life coming this path.
I think that's what keeps me going in life, it's the twists and turns it takes. Thoughts you had and have continuously. Tonight I did something I don't like. I got lost in thought, the weakness, but it happens to all.
It started during a conversation with a great friend. About dating, life and love. He made a comment, "I just can't see any of us pairing off." It struck a chord and kept echoing in my head.
He was referring to our group of friends. It made me feel really special, because without knowing it I've spent 2.5 years with these guys. I remember being terrified so long ago, because I just wanted them to like me. How strange is that?
They are my first real gay friends and I learned so much by just being around them. That realization was a good point of the day. Then the presentation of being unable to "couple up" hit my desk. It's obviously not true, but sometimes I think about how anyone can really break into a group that's pretty solid. Isn't that the kind of plot used in most movies, but does it happen in real life?
So I let it sit the entire day and that was my fatal error. Then I came home and it grew, as I began to feel overwhelmed. My midterms, the election, my trip, my homework. Why did I agree to go to Spring Awakening?
Oh, wait I don't mind that surprise.
It's a free ticket, it's cathartic bullshit and I need it! Despite the fact there are no Spring Awakening performances on any other Monday besides this one, that's what told me I had to go. If you let life run it's course, sometimes it's a little easier to deal with.
Which leads me back this trip to San Francisco! I lose my points so easily. This trip was originally tentative, but it happened nonetheless. It marks beginnings and continuations.
I know my story, and that's the point it's my own. Is it also ironic that I leave for San Francisco the exact same week that I'd met The Tall Man? 'Tis Fate I swear.
And I go off to see a friend that is a chosen family member. Someone I would love to grow old with, how wonderful to know I can feel this towards someone. She's a female, how ironic. A fellow Cancer and she showed me that kindness in this world can still exist.
Then I'm going to grow a pair of testicles for once and meet someone off of Livejournal. Oh, blogs of yesteryear, if these walls could talk. This story once again goes on and it is my own. So I'll share it with those I see fit.
So I will fall a little behind in my work. I'm letting myself sink into "travel" mode a couple of days early. This trip has been coming for months and the anticipation is almost to much. I only hope those in San Francisco are ready for the surges of emotion that my erupt, or perhaps none will happen at all.
Then the trip to San Francisco. Oh, that one I am really looking forward to. I am excited to meet people who I admire and great friends that I deeply love. To travel, what a thought. I would have never foreseen my life coming this path.
I think that's what keeps me going in life, it's the twists and turns it takes. Thoughts you had and have continuously. Tonight I did something I don't like. I got lost in thought, the weakness, but it happens to all.
It started during a conversation with a great friend. About dating, life and love. He made a comment, "I just can't see any of us pairing off." It struck a chord and kept echoing in my head.
He was referring to our group of friends. It made me feel really special, because without knowing it I've spent 2.5 years with these guys. I remember being terrified so long ago, because I just wanted them to like me. How strange is that?
They are my first real gay friends and I learned so much by just being around them. That realization was a good point of the day. Then the presentation of being unable to "couple up" hit my desk. It's obviously not true, but sometimes I think about how anyone can really break into a group that's pretty solid. Isn't that the kind of plot used in most movies, but does it happen in real life?
So I let it sit the entire day and that was my fatal error. Then I came home and it grew, as I began to feel overwhelmed. My midterms, the election, my trip, my homework. Why did I agree to go to Spring Awakening?
Oh, wait I don't mind that surprise.
It's a free ticket, it's cathartic bullshit and I need it! Despite the fact there are no Spring Awakening performances on any other Monday besides this one, that's what told me I had to go. If you let life run it's course, sometimes it's a little easier to deal with.
Which leads me back this trip to San Francisco! I lose my points so easily. This trip was originally tentative, but it happened nonetheless. It marks beginnings and continuations.
I know my story, and that's the point it's my own. Is it also ironic that I leave for San Francisco the exact same week that I'd met The Tall Man? 'Tis Fate I swear.
And I go off to see a friend that is a chosen family member. Someone I would love to grow old with, how wonderful to know I can feel this towards someone. She's a female, how ironic. A fellow Cancer and she showed me that kindness in this world can still exist.
Then I'm going to grow a pair of testicles for once and meet someone off of Livejournal. Oh, blogs of yesteryear, if these walls could talk. This story once again goes on and it is my own. So I'll share it with those I see fit.
So I will fall a little behind in my work. I'm letting myself sink into "travel" mode a couple of days early. This trip has been coming for months and the anticipation is almost to much. I only hope those in San Francisco are ready for the surges of emotion that my erupt, or perhaps none will happen at all.
San Francisco: 2 Days.
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