The Gnawing Bother

I'm going to write before bed and see if that calms this anxious feeling in my stomach. Tomorrow is my Bio Midterm, something I feel under-prepared for, but will pass like all exams. Then is the election, oh I am sure I'm not the only one to be worrying about that.

Then the trip to San Francisco. Oh, that one I am really looking forward to. I am excited to meet people who I admire and great friends that I deeply love. To travel, what a thought. I would have never foreseen my life coming this path.

I think that's what keeps me going in life, it's the twists and turns it takes. Thoughts you had and have continuously. Tonight I did something I don't like. I got lost in thought, the weakness, but it happens to all.

It started during a conversation with a great friend. About dating, life and love. He made a comment, "I just can't see any of us pairing off." It struck a chord and kept echoing in my head.

He was referring to our group of friends. It made me feel really special, because without knowing it I've spent 2.5 years with these guys. I remember being terrified so long ago, because I just wanted them to like me. How strange is that?

They are my first real gay friends and I learned so much by just being around them. That realization was a good point of the day. Then the presentation of being unable to "couple up" hit my desk. It's obviously not true, but sometimes I think about how anyone can really break into a group that's pretty solid. Isn't that the kind of plot used in most movies, but does it happen in real life?

So I let it sit the entire day and that was my fatal error. Then I came home and it grew, as I began to feel overwhelmed. My midterms, the election, my trip, my homework. Why did I agree to go to Spring Awakening?

Oh, wait I don't mind that surprise.

It's a free ticket, it's cathartic bullshit and I need it! Despite the fact there are no Spring Awakening performances on any other Monday besides this one, that's what told me I had to go. If you let life run it's course, sometimes it's a little easier to deal with.

Which leads me back this trip to San Francisco! I lose my points so easily. This trip was originally tentative, but it happened nonetheless. It marks beginnings and continuations.

I know my story, and that's the point it's my own. Is it also ironic that I leave for San Francisco the exact same week that I'd met The Tall Man? 'Tis Fate I swear.

And I go off to see a friend that is a chosen family member. Someone I would love to grow old with, how wonderful to know I can feel this towards someone. She's a female, how ironic. A fellow Cancer and she showed me that kindness in this world can still exist.

Then I'm going to grow a pair of testicles for once and meet someone off of Livejournal. Oh, blogs of yesteryear, if these walls could talk. This story once again goes on and it is my own. So I'll share it with those I see fit.

So I will fall a little behind in my work. I'm letting myself sink into "travel" mode a couple of days early. This trip has been coming for months and the anticipation is almost to much. I only hope those in San Francisco are ready for the surges of emotion that my erupt, or perhaps none will happen at all.

San Francisco: 2 Days.